DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the shows or characters featured in this piece of drivel, that pleasure belongs to Paramount, Renaissance Pictures, Shed Productions and Mutant Enemy. The story also depicts women either in loving and sexual relationships, or wishing to whatever deity they knew, that they were. Okay, disclaimer done.
Seven of Nine, former tertiary adjunct to Unimatrix Zero One and now resident Borg hybrid and Astrometrics Officer aboard the USS Voyager, was frustrated. It was an odd kind of frustration for the controlled woman. It incorporated a sense of intellectual frustration, connected to a problem that refused to succumb to her intellect, which wasn't that uncommon since her arrival amongst Voyager's eclectic crew. What made the frustration unusual, was its physical aspect. To use a phrase she'd heard in one of Tom Paris's holo-novels, she was horny. "Most infuriating." She mumbled.
"You're telling me."
Seven span round in her seat, having thought herself alone in the messhall she was astonished to find a short, blonde haired woman standing behind her. The woman was a stranger. "Who are you?" An ocular implant rose and Seven contemplated calling security.
"I'm Gabrielle..." The blonde waited a moment for any sign of recognition, but none came, "bard of Potedia...Queen of the Amazons?"
"Amazons?" Seven let her eyes linger on the other woman's strange leather outfit, that left most of her body uncovered in a highly impractical way. "They are a mythical race, featured in the ancient Greek writings of Homer, so it is impossible for you to be their Queen."
"Homer?" With an irritated shrug the young blonde began to pace to and fro, muttering under her breath, "Homer, Homer, Homer...it's not as if he was the only writer in Greece... stole all his ideas from other people...wouldn't know an original plot if he tripped over it...second place, but still got all the fame..."
"Excuse me?" Seven began to think the shorter woman was mad, or at least severely disturbed. "How did you get on this ship?"
"Ship?" For a moment Gabrielle's face turned an interesting shade of green and she began frantically jabbing at her wrist. "Xena never mentioned you were on the water."
"She thinks this is a sailing ship," came another voice from behind Seven's shoulder.
"What!" The former Borg swung round, her normally calm countenance shattered by the near spectral arrival of another strangely dressed woman. "Where did you come from?"
"London originally," replied the newcomer, "although for the last few centuries I've been hanging around with a few friends in...in..." A hand rose to ruffle her short black hair, the newcomers brow furrowing with thought, "what's the place called now Gabrielle? The stupid buggers keep changing it, Hades one day, Valhalla the next. It's enough to give you a headache...if we could get headaches that is."
"I think the executive committee are still waiting for the official vote before they give it a new name, so for now it's just level 18.4." Supplied the Amazon. "Kind of lacks panache, if you ask me."
Seven tapped her comm. badge, sure now that the two mystery women were an invading party of lunatics. <chirp> "Seven of Nine to security... Security?" Seven glared at Gabrielle before switching her gaze to the other woman, "What have you done to communications?"
Gabrielle shrugged and looked towards her friend, "Can you explain that one Nik? You know I'm not too great at all that science stuff."
Nikki shrugged, "Simple really. We stopped time, so we can help you out with your little problem." Seeing the scepticism in Seven's eyes, the dark-haired woman thought it best to lay it all out in one go and save herself from endless questioning. "My name's Nikki and you've met Gabrielle." The shorter blonde waved, as if to remind them both she was still there, the temptation to interrupt nearly overwhelming the chatty blonde. "We've both been in the same place as you are now...figureatively speaking. So we thought it only fair to come down here and offer you a few words of advice."
"Come down from where?"
Nikki shrugged, "level 18 and a bit, Heaven, Nirvana, whatever."
"The ethereal plane." Gabrielle inserted.
Seven's ocular implant rose once more and she decided that it was probably time she visited the Doctor for a check up. "So, you are trying to tell me that two women, from some form of afterlife, have appeared on Voyager to render me with some advice?"
"Exactly!" Gabrielle turned to Nikki, a smug look on her face, "and Xena said she'd never believe us."
"She doesn't believe us." Nikki countered, "right?"
"You are correct."
Both of the taller women's eyes were then drawn to the Amazon, who once again took up pacing across the floor. "But we're telling the truth." A soft soled leather boot stamped. "What do we have to do to convince you?"
"Disappear?" Seven suggested, thinking the sooner she went to see the Doctor the better and if she could get her hallucinations to agree, it could only speed things up.
"Look. It doesn't really matter if she believes we're real or not, just that she listens to our advice and stops moping around like a wet kipper." Nikki stormed. "Now, can we get on with this? Helen was talking about a full body massage before I left and I want to get back before she changes her mind."
"Since when does Helen changer her mind about things like that?" Gabrielle enquired, "you forget that Xena and I had the cabin next to you two when we holiday'd in Pompeii. Talk about rampant! That woman puts my Xena to shame and believe me that's saying something."
"I know," Nikki agreed, also remembering the thin walls that separated their rooms on that one occasion. To say she'd learnt a few interesting things about Amazon rituals and the use of a well placed breast dagger, would have been an understatement. It was knowledge Helen had found more than one use for that weekend. "Can we get back to this now? I suddenly have the urge to take a long hot bath and not with either of you two."
"Oh yeah," Gabrielle's voice drifted off as she envisioned her own plans for the evening.
"Excuse me! What are you talking about?" The former Borg was prepared to put up with hallucinations, at least temporarily, but she refused to be subjected to ones that ignored her. Not to mention she was totally confused. What was so enthralling about bathing? In her experience sonic showers were a functional necessity, but nothing to get excited about.
"Sorry, where were we?"
"You were just about to explain to Seven the best way to secure a woman's affections." Nikki supplied, sitting back on the edge of one of the tables and preparing to listen to her friend weave one of her tales.
"Me? I thought we were doing this together? Sharing our experience as fellow seducers?"
"Fellow seducers?" Nikki's brow scrunched up in the way that always made Helen swoon, "for some reason I don't like the sound of that."
"Hmm, okay." Noticing a tiny crack appear in Seven's calm façade, Gabrielle thought she'd better get to the point before the former Borg lost her cool and started thumping people - she'd left her sais at home. "Nikki and I have both been in the position you are now,"
"So I was informed." Seven looked to Nikki in an accusing manner, as if it was the dark-haired woman's fault the conversation had been diverted. "Exactly what position would that be?"
"In love with a woman who appears not to feel the same way, but does." Gabrielle and Nikki exchanged a look of long suffering, before the bard continued, "which lead to our having to chase, or should I say seduce, our lovers into revealing their feelings."
"You tricked these women into loving you?"
"No Seven!" Gabrielle rolled her eyes, "you can't trick people into really loving you, but you can show them how you feel in a way that allows them to examine their deeper feeling and realise their own love."
"What she means is, you can put all the Barry White songs on you like, but if the woman or man don't love you, then the most you'll get out of it is a quick shag." Nikki tried to translate.
Gabrielle looked equally as confused by the term, forcing Nikki to search for a way of explaining it that both women would understand. "A mindless, erm, copulation?" Gabrielle still looked a little unsure, but Seven had assimilated the meaning. Nikki leant forward to whisper in Gabrielle's ear, "you, Perdicus, wedding night...get me?"
With a shudder Gabrielle nodded, before turning her attention back to Seven, "right where were we again?"
"Haven't you finished yet?" The three turned to see a short red-haired young woman stood behind them.
"Willow? What are you doing here?" Nikki didn't look too impressed by the wicca's entrance.
"Xena sent me, she said the two of you are needed straight away, something about the last two bath tubs and Helen receiving a supply of bath oils this morning." Willow shrugged, she'd wanted in on this mission from the start, but Nikki had maintained that she wasn't qualified as she wasn't the initial seducer. The former witch had pleaded that after her brush with dark magic she'd worked harder than anyone to seduce Tara into taking her back, but neither of the women in front of her were very impressed. What she didn't realise was that Tara and Faith had arranged a secret get away for the three of them and Cordelia, to a lovely little spot near the rings of Alpha Centuri.
"Thanks for the message, you can go now." Nikki prompted, not wanting to get on the wrong side of Cordelia again. She'd had enough near death experiences during her time in prison, without wanting to face the wrath of the ex-cheerleader.
"Yeah, bye." Gabrielle supplied, her thoughts as one with Nikki's.
"Is she another Amazon?" Seven enquired, as the redhead vanished from sight.
"Nah! Just a witch." Gabrielle smiled, having totally missed the look of bewilderment that crossed Seven's usually glacial features. The poor ex-Borg had almost convinced herself she was suffering an alcove dysfunction and would awaken at any moment to find it had all been a dream.
"Look enough with the interruptions and babbling, lets cut to the chase," Nikki had decided that if this was going to get accomplished anytime this millennium, then she'd have to take command. "You're in love with B'Elanna Torres. Although she doesn't know it yet, B'Elanna is also in love with you.." Seven tried to butt in, but a warning look from Nikki made her reconsider, "now all you need is to stop pussyfooting around and do something about it."
Seven was about to argue, tell them she had no such feelings and that even if she did, there was no way B'Elanna reciprocated them. Then she remembered it was all just an hallucination and decided that would mean she was only lying to herself and that was even more insane than having a conversation with three imaginary women. "What can I do?"
"I'm glad you asked that," Gabrielle grinned, "there are several ways you can go about it. Personally I waited until Xena and I were alone at a beautiful campsite, then I persuaded her to let me give her a massage, before leaning forward to kiss her neck..." The bard wandered off into dream land for a moment, the other two watching her with dismay. "It was glorious."
"I thought you said Xena jumped a mile and suddenly rushed into the bushes shouting about a horde of cannibals attacking?"
"Well, yeah, the first time, but that was only because I'd taken her by surprise." Gabrielle thought for a moment, "so it's probably not a great idea for you to surprise B'Elanna, well unless you can guarantee she's not going to run off into the trees."
Seven turned to Nikki, her trust in the shorter woman's expertise waning. "How did you accomplish your seduction?"
"I don't think you've got time to use Nikki's approach," Gabrielle interrupted, "three years, wasn't it Nik?"
"Two and a half at the most," her friend mumbled, "but I can tell you what part of it Helen said totally won her over. The declaration of love."
"I thought she just walked away from you? Then tried to have you shipped out to another prison, where she'd never see you again?"
"A minor detail." Nikki didn't like to be reminded of those times, far too many painful memories. "Besides, she didn't send me away, instead she kissed me."
"A kiss?" For the first time Seven thought she might be on to something. "Do you think B'Elanna might kiss me? If I told her how I feel?"
Standing, Seven began to march from the room, her destination the chief engineers quarters.
"Hold on!" Gabrielle jumped in her path, almost being knocked over in the process. "You can't just blurt it out," she looked towards Nikki, "well okay, sometimes just blurting it out works, but usually you need to set the scene."
"Set the scene?" The ex-Borg was not happy with the delay. "How?"
"Wine, music, camp fire...that type of thing."
"Make sure you're alone and not about to be disturbed, then look deep into her eyes until you know you have her undivided attention," Nikki added, "then say the words slowly and with feeling."
"Oh yeah, that'll work." Gabrielle agreed. "But I still think a camp fire's a nice touch."
"Look in her eyes and say it slowly? Is that it?" For supposed heavenly advice, Seven thought it a little basic.
"Well, take your hair out of that bun, but other than that, yeah." Nikki and Gabrielle looked at one another and nodded, satisfied.
"Honesty is what will win her heart," the bard confirmed, "honesty and love."
"Enough with the soppy stuff, off you go." Nikki directed, wanting to get back to Helen and their bath.
Reaching up to extract the pins from her hair, Seven set off in search of B'Elanna's quarters, deciding that she wouldn't see the Doctor straight away about her hallucinations, just in case she needed more of their advice later.
"Do you think it'll work?"
"Of course," Gabrielle smiled, "if not, we'll just send Xena and Helen to talk with that stubborn half Klingon."
With matching smiles, the two matchmakers disappeared...
The End...kind of
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