DISCLAIMER: Star Trek Voyager is owned by the mighty Paramont. All characters and rights are theirs. I am just playing with their toys and I am not getting any profit from it.
My sense of humor is slightly skewed at the best of times.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

The Best Christmas Ever
By Texbkwrm

Tuvok entered sickbay to the sound of laughter. As he came around the corner he heard the doctor say. "I suppose you think that is funny Lt. Torres." He refused to believe that Seven had anything to do with this.

That question set the two obviously inebriated women into gales of laughter.

"Doctor," Tuvok inquired with his usual poise. "Why are you not in uniform?" He knew that the EMH experimented with different attire when he we was not in sick bay. Still this green outfit with its tights and unusual footwear was extremely unusual. Also his dimensions had been changed to make him significantly smaller.

"She changed my matrix." He pointed to the giggling lieutenant.

"He's a Christmas elf." B'Elanna informed them as she struggled to stand at the required attention. As she straightened, Seven who was leaning against her for support fell down. That brought B'Elanna down in a sort of domino effect landing on her companion. This set them off again they were laughing so hard they were unable to stand. Tuvok reached over and simultaneously pulled both women to their feet.

As he we making sure that both women would remain vertical, Commander Chakotay walked in. "Doctor how is the captain?" He raised an eyebrow at the holograms changed appearance.

"She is still out of it but she will be alright." The doctor huffed.

"Tuvok did you find out what happened?" Chakotay asked.

"I have been attempting to ascertain that but I am having some difficulty." He had gotten them standing finally but both women were listing and swaying, and there was no guarantee in how long they would remain upright.

Chakotay shook his head as he saw them. He pulled over two chairs and made sure they fell into them instead of the floor. "Okay B'Elanna what happened?"

Trying to look chastened she began to explain how she had changed the Doctor's programming to make him more festive. "No, B'Elanna what happened to the Captain?" Chakotay asked quickly cutting off the rambling explanation.

"Oh the Captain," she paused as she tried to collect her thoughts. "I'm not sure we found her like that."

Turning to the EMH , The frustrated first officer said. "Doctor can't you give them something to sober up?"

There was a definite look of embarrassment on the Hologram as he responded. "I tried to give Lt. Torres the standard protocol it just made it worse. She was actually rather coherent when she came in and with Seven's sensitivities I thought it better not to attempt it."

Deciding to try again he asked Seven. "Seven what were you doing with B'Elanna and the Captain."

"Bonding." came the one word answer.

"Bonding what?" Chakotay asked in confusion.

"I am unsure." she turned to B'Elanna, "What were we bonding?"

"Each other." B'Elanna answered.

Seven looked up and down and then ran her hands over B'Elanna's body to ascertain some kind of connection. "We must have failed."

Seven expression and her hand brushing over B'Elanna's ticklish ribs set the Klingon to laughing again. "I don't think we failed." when she regained her composure she pulled the blonde into a heated embrace ignoring the others in the room.

The Doctor turned bright red and his appeared to blink in and out of existence as he struggled to hold his programming integrity. Chakotay gaped at them mouth open like a gold fish, and Tuvok's eyebrow reached new heights.

Overcoming his initial shock, Chakotay demanded. "Look I need some answers here and if you don't want to spend the night in the brig you'll start cooperating with this inquiry." Seeing the two women whisper he quickly added. "In separate cells."

That hard a remarkably sobering effect. "Okay." B'Elanna said and made an effort to pull her thoughts away from the blonde who was now in her lap. "I'll tell you all that I know. Captain Janeway wanted me and Seven here to stop fighting and give her some peace. So she decided that she would make us come with her to her Christmas holodeck program so that we could get to know each other better."

The Doctor snorted. "It looked like it worked."

B'Elanna glared at the interruption but continued knowing that she would get him back during his next diagnostic. "Any way, to get us to agree she threatened to send us on the next long away mission just the two of us." She turned to Seven. "You think we can talk her into doing that now?"

"B'Elanna." Chakotay interrupted.

"Oh yeah. Where was I?" B'Elanna paused. "So we both gave in and agreed to go. The Doctor knows."

"Yes the Captain had come to me because of the lowered temperature setting and she wanted to make sure that it would have no ill effects on Seven and B'Elanna's physiology. I guide her on the appropriate clothing for B'Elanna and told that Seven's bio suit would protect her still she had me design other clothing so she could enjoy the program as she put it."

As the Doctor began to drone on, Commander Chakotay cut him off. "Okay, lets gets get back to what happened to the captain. What did you do after you entered the holodeck?"

Seven picked up the thread. "B'Elanna and Captain Janeway argued about the attire. B'Elanna considered it overly bulky and restrictive also she did not care for the protective hand coverings."

"Gloves." Chakotay informed her.

"No that is incorrect, it was mittens." the other women nodded her agreement with the term. "Finally Lt. Torres capitulated when Captain Janeway mentioned confinement. We activated the hologram to a snow covered Fair Haven program. As we approached closer to the buildings B'Elanna became alarmed."

The smaller woman shivered in her seat at the memory. "I thought it was an Yt'lak. It's a Klingon ice demon."

"Before the captain or I could stop her she charged the frozen form and obliterated it getting us all extremely wet in the process. The adolescents who were building the," she paused as she searched her memory for the proper term. "snowman became upset and began to pelt us with ice projectiles."

"Snowballs." B'Elanna corrected.

"Captain Janeway encouraged and assisted their attack on B'Elanna and myself." Seven said in disbelief.

"I actually liked that part." B'Elanna added.

"After several minutes, the Captain became concerned that B'Elanna was being over exposed to the cold and guided us into the pub." B'Elanna whined "We were winning."

"Yes but you were shivering and turning an unusual blue color. I agreed with the captain. After we got inside we change into drier clothing and sat down at a table. The captain had programmed replicated food and beverages and they were brought to our table. While we were eating the holograms were singing and dancing, soon the Captain was invited to the dance floor. She instructed us to get out there and dance as she left."

"Well I was going to do that." B'Elanna said, "but Seven just sat there. I told her if I had to she had to."

"Then I told B'Elanna I was unfamiliar with this activity as Borg do not dance. Then she pulled me out onto the dance floor and began to teach me," Seven reached over and grasped B'Elanna's hand. "I found this activity very pleasurable. After several dances the band took a break, why does a holographic band need to take an intermission?" The Commander just shrugged and urged her to continue. We made our way back to the table and with all the activity we had become dehydrated and they brought us out several liquid refreshments. Wassail and eggnog I believe. These are very tasty refreshments. I need see if I can modify the taste of my nutritional supplements."

Chakotay again steered the conversation back to the captain. "When did you see the Captain next?"

"I believe it was after the brawl. Is that correct B'Elanna." turning to her partner in crime for confirmation.

"Yes she really chewed us out."

"What brawl?" Commander Chakotay struggled to hold onto his temper.

"One of the holoprograms kept trying to persuade me to dance with him and was becoming annoying before I could delete his program. B'Elanna punched him he fell backward into another holoprogram and things became chaotic." Seven smiled when she thought about how the lieutenant had come to her aid.

"It was wonderful until Captain Janeway stopped the program. She reset it and told us to stay out of trouble. After that, the captain joined the other carolers by the piano and I don't remember seeing her after that."

Seven took up the thread. "That is when we discovered the mistletoe."

"Oh yeah." B'Elanna's grin threatened to split her face in half. "We really didn't miss her until the program gave us the ten minute warning. We went to look for her and we found her outside in the snow. Why don't you just replay the holodeck files and see what happened?"

Commander Chakotay dismissed them to their quarters. He watched as they staggered down the corridor singing Christmas carols off key. "I wish we had thought of that sooner."

"What about me?" The Doctor asked pointing to his 3ft height and elfin attire.

Tuvok replied. "Do you really want Lt. Torres working on your matrix while she is in this condition?"

The EMH shuddered at the thought. "I see your point."

Chakotay pulled up the relevant files. Motioning Tuvok to the console he started the visual replay. Struggling to control his laughter as he saw B'Elanna smothered in protective clothing it reminded him of holopics of himself as a toddler bundle up so that he looked twice as wide and you could only see his eyes because of his hat and scarf. As the scenes moved forward he could not contain his amusement, seeing B'Elanna launch a full battle attack on a snowman and her expression as it disintegrated followed by a snowball fight with the captain almost made him fall out of his chair. At a look from Tuvok he forwarded the file quickly. Stopping where the captain had left the pub to search for Seven and B'Elanna. She had missed them because they were in a dark corner kissing under the mistletoe. As she moved to cross the road from around the corner came a peculiar looking vehicle. It was being pulled by deer and a small man in a red suit was driving he did not even see her as the captain was caught with a glancing blow.

"Holodeck malfunction she must have lowered the safeties to adjust the temperature." Tuvok explained.

"Well she will be alright in the morning but I bet they all three will have hangovers." Chakotay said. "Computer save file." he instructed and smiled as he thought of the hours of entertainment value this was going to provide the crew.

This story was inspired by the song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." Sung by Elmo and Patsy written by Randy Brooks.

The End

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