DISCLAIMER: Xena and Gabrielle are property of Renaissance Pictures and MCA.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
By Major Roon
I used to say 'I love you, Xena.'
And she used to say 'I love you too, Gabrielle.'
Sometimes when she was being her usual stoic self she would just nod, but always showing me the gentleness in her eyes. Other times, when she was acting like one of those strong and silent types, she would say 'Yeah ' or something equally monosyllabic.
But nowadays we don't say those things anymore. I don't tell her that I love her anymore and she doesn't tell me either.
I want to say it, I often want to but the words just won't come out.
We are liars, now that we have sex.
One day, a few moons ago, it happened. It was strange because I did it, I came to her. Everyone expected her to make a move; it's not like anybody knows though.
That day I lay on my back in the grass in a small clearing. I watched the sunlight shimmer through the treetops and after a while I closed my eyes. I started to imagine things, I often do that, my best stories found their way on parchment like that but that day was different.
The sound of the whetstone gliding over Xena's sword in rhythmical intervals lulled me into a doze and I lost all control over the images popping up in my mind. They started out the usual; kingdoms in need of a warrior, an Amazon Queen leading her Nation, a bard being praised after she gave one of her best performances but then my mind drifted off further to explore all those hidden things inside of me.
I wasn't an innocent farm girl anymore back then and neither am I today.
I had fantasies, I had passion and lust. I knew about those things and I felt them. The images showed me a tall, handsome man; he was strong and knew what he was doing with his hands. He took me, just like that. Who would have thought that something as primal as that could live in this little girl's mind?
Somehow I tried to weave a story around him, around what we were doing. I imagined that after we were done, I bit him, I was a bacchae. I roamed around the known world and bit men after they had given me pleasure.
What would the Amazons do if their Queen came one day and bit them, one after the other? I imagined biting Ephiny, I imagined her kissing me and then my teeth sunk into her throat. I asked myself what would happen then? I would have a whole Nation of Amazon Bacchae, following my every command, doing whatever I wanted.
What would Xena do? What would I do to her? I would make her one of us. I would lure her into a trap and I would take her, make her mine, overpower her, bite her and take her again and again whenever I pleased.
And she would follow my every command, would take pleasure in giving me pleasure.
I imagined what she would do to me, how she would touch me and give me what I wanted with her hands on my body.
In that moment I wanted her to be mine, only mine and give me and give me and give me. I felt greedy and way too confident; I wanted it all.
My mind kept wandering through all those dark places until a ray of sunlight poked at the edges of those dark images. I came to my senses and stared up at the sky, disgusted with myself.
But only for a moment until my eyes were drawn to the warrior sitting on the ground, leaning against a log, sharpening her sword. The sight of her made me angry somehow. She just sat there, oblivious, while I dreamt of draining her of every bit of life she had in her, while I dreamt of taking her and being taken, of pleasure and primal lust.
I never really asked for much in all the time we traveled together. Of course, Xena gave me things, gave me love and understanding and opportunities but I never really had to make her give me something, I never really had to demand and I wanted that. I wanted to be demanding.
And so I stood and walked over to her. She just kept sharpening her sword and I kept standing there, towering over her. She looked up and narrowed her eyes.
I think she had never seen what she saw then in my eyes. I think she was startled.
But she said nothing until I slowly loosened the leather straps on my top.
'Gabrielle ' Xena couldn't even finish saying my name before she started to trail off.
I pulled the top over my head and tossed it angrily aside on the ground, holding her gaze, trying to burn her with it.
'What are you doing?' She knew alright what I was doing.
I took her hands, took first the whetstone out of one's grasp and tossed it aside. I took her sword next, held it for a moment, felt its weight and rammed it into the ground.
'Gabrielle.' Xena said quietly, menacingly, as I caught her left wrist in a firm grip. I stared into her eyes and dared her to say another word by gripping tighter. I felt no resistance, nothing, not even when I brought her left hand to my breast and pressed it on me.
In that moment I wanted to feel her power, I wanted to feel the Warrior Princess, the Destroyer of Nations but Xena was powerless, she let me guide her hand over my body, let me make her touch my soft flesh the way I wanted it.
I remember hearing myself sigh as her hand rubbed over my nipple, I remember hearing her sigh too. My head tipped back for a brief moment as I felt pleasure and lust spreading through my body like wildfire.
I wanted her to take me but she wouldn't. She was stunned, scared, helpless.
Then I took her other hand in mine and lowered myself into her lap and onto that hand, trapped under my skirt, to let her feel how wet I was, how ready I was.
The moment I guided her fingers into me, I felt a sense of victory. I bit her neck, carefully at first, slowly, so slowly then I ground myself against her hand, brought one arm around her neck and drew her closer to me.
'Give it to me, warrior. Take me now. Take me, Xena.' I breathed into her neck and then that hand left my breast and a strong arm snuck around my waste.
That was the first time I felt it; her power, her strength, her desire and passion, as she pulled my body to hers. Her fingers buried themselves deep inside of me and I groaned as she took possession of my neck.
We were silent most of the time. I moaned into her neck sometimes, sometimes she kissed me and swallowed the noises I made whenever I ground myself into her hand. I held onto her shoulders the whole time and braced myself against the log behind her; my passion was so powerful, it made me tremble.
We were both desperate and it showed in the way we had sex. We clung to one another, our movements far from graceful but hard and fast instead. My hips moved back and forth, coating her hand with my juices while my whole body stuck to her armor, her leather and her skin, our sweat making us sticky.
When I came after just a short time, I wanted to moan, to release the pleasure that crawled through my veins but I couldn't. My breath was stuck in my throat, my moan strangled and so the only thing I heard when my orgasm washed over me was Xena's harsh breath. I felt it, hot and damp, against my collarbone.
When I had the strength to move and the necessary control over my body to do so, I laid my cheek lazily onto her head and panted quietly as my inner walls still tried to keep her fingers inside of me, clenching and twitching.
Xena's breath didn't leave my body for a long time; she too panted and I felt her lips stick to my skin and I felt her tongue licking at the sheen of sweat covering my shoulder.
Later, when I finally stood on my own two feet, I put my top back on, while Xena was watching. For a moment I thought she was as disgusted with herself as I had been before, when I had dreamed of biting her.
I took her sword and handed it to her, she took it and looked at me and I looked at her.
From that moment on, we both knew we would never say the words 'I love you' again.
We kept having sex. We never talked about it though. Sometimes when we had been in battle she dragged me off the street afterwards and into the woods to take me against a tree. Sometimes when we had escaped Hades once again, I buried my face between her legs and Xena her fingers in my hair. Sometimes when we lie near the campfire and look up at the night sky we huddle closer until there is only breath between our lips.
Sometimes we kiss then and have slow, unhurried sex.
It's almost like love-making.
Sometimes I want to tell her then, to tell her that I love her but I can't. It's too hard, it's too painful.
Tonight is such a night.
I still feel her inside of me, still feel her hands on my body. I can still taste her and I smell her.
I want to tell her so desperately because really I do love her with all my heart. If I had known back then what sex would do to us, I never would have given in to my desire to command her.
Xena holds me close, cradles my body in her arms, soothes away the pain of being not able to tell her with her hands. It's too hard. It's so hard to say those words, it's so hard to even say anything at all.
I'm sorry for what I did to us but I can't even tell her that.
My eyes close; I'm tired, so tired but not just because of our love-making, of our sex, no. My mind is just as tired as my body. I sigh deeply into her hair and tighten my grip on her one last time before Morpheus can steal me away and she takes a breath.
A deep one.
'I love you '
And my heart is crying and my eyes are pouring tears onto her skin and my body is sobbing.
'I love you too, Xena.'
People always say that she is the strong one when it comes to battling an enemy. They say that I'm the strong one when it comes to matters of the heart. It's true.
But sometimes the passion of a warrior's heart is just all it takes.
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