DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Trial By Jury and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
SPOILERS: The series is long over, but just in case the episode is "Truth or Consequences".
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Consequences of Truth
The trial was over, but now as she leaves the bar from talking to Danny's defense attorney she feels defeated. Tracy Kibre, tough, non-emotional ADA, feels beaten and it has nothing to do with the trial at all. Of course, she hates losing Danny when she knows he was a look out in that girl's murder and after talking to his attorney she now knows she was right. Still, it isn't that which is digging at her now. No, now she can only think about her behavior from days earlier in lock up with Carter, his lawyer, and Kelly Gaffney, her assistant.
Tracy absent mindedly gives the cab driver her address as her mind replays where she went wrong in that lock up.
<< Tracy is sitting calmly. She is always calm. It is a nature she has nurtured into being for herself. If you don't have emotions, you can't lose control. She watches as her assistant attempts to question Carter for his testimony against their defendant.
Suddenly, Carter is complaining of a headache. Tracy can see Kelly getting upset, but she herself even starts to feel a little agitated. She pushes it back down. Next thing she knows she is listening to Carter, a murder conspiracy defendant insult Kelly. She can hear it in her head as if it just happened.
"I have a headache. I'm done for today." He whines.
"Today is it, Carter." Kelly stresses, "Carter,.."
Carter is on his feet in a flurry, "Bitch, I said I'm done!"
That was all it took. It shouldn't have upset her. She should have been able to control herself, but it was Kelly and the uncertain danger in the situation. It was the shock of her own feelings bottled up making her act. She sees it as clear as day. She sees her loss of control in an instant and all for her all for Kelly.
"You're done when I say you're done! Now, sit your ass down and answer the questions!" >>
She had wanted to hurt him for screaming at Kelly like that. She had wanted to make sure control of the situation came back to her so that there was absolutely no threat in the room. However, she knew the real reason behind her outburst. She had wanted to protect Kelly. What troubled her most about that wasn't her outburst, but the truth that she finally had to accept that came with her explosion. Then she caught the glimpse of surprise on her assistant's face. It was a moment of weakness. It only took one moment and she now had to face the consequences of the truth about herself.
"I'm in love with my assistant." She whispers to herself, "I'm in love with Kelly Gaffney."
"What's that ma'am?" The cabbie tries to make sure he didn't miss any important directions.
"Nothing for you to worry about." She answers as casually as possible, "but it could be the end of my life as I know it." She murmurs the last part to herself.
The cab pulls up to her building. She pays him with a suitable tip and steps from the cab to look at the dark address it has left her at. She knows inside that nothing waits for her, but emptiness that is filled with work. Before a few days ago, this thought did not depress her, but now it weighs on her. Before a few days ago, she wasn't missing those blues eyes, that dark blonde hair, the naiveté the younger woman displayed. No, that's not quite right. She didn't think that Kelly was really naïve. She knows she is simply an idealist and this business will eat her alive. She knows that all too well.
She opens her building door walking into her brownstone. She looks at the files on her coffee table as she drops her briefcase to the floor. Normally, she would have to put every item in its place before she ended her day, but not tonight. Tonight, she has no desire to be routine. Everything is tilted in her world at this moment so why shouldn't her home be the same way. Slowly, she mopes to her bedroom leaving a trail of clothes behind her. Her heart has been breached and the worst part is that the item of its longing is not even remotely in reach. Semi-clad in her panties, Tracy Kibre drops her exhausted self into bed.
'One night to wallow is what you get, Kibre, only one night. Tomorrow, you must put back up the wall and forget that she is young, beautiful, smart and not perfect in a way that makes you want to hold her forever. Tomorrow, you must remember that she is young, beautiful, smart and straight. She wants nothing to do with an older, bitter, and not so beautiful, less than perfect lesbian that long ago gave up companionship. You must also remember that she works for you, but tomorrow. Tonight, you can wallow in your heart ache, your misery and the fact that you let your walls down that you surrendered to the longing in your soul.' Tracy accuses herself silently as she curls into a ball for what comfort can be gained from it.
"I guess I can take solace in the fact that nobody knows of my surrender, but me." Tracy chuckles heartlessly.
The night drags on and Tracy doesn't move a muscle for hours. She doesn't know when she finally fell asleep, but is aware that is was long after 3am. As she stirs on the bed, Tracy realizes if she doesn't get up she will be late for work for the first time ever. She groans, hauls her body out of bed and begins putting her walls in place for the coming day. Wallowing time is over and Tracy Kibre has a job to do.
To Be Continued
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