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Flying and Falling
Alex slumped against her front door the minute she had flipped the locks, unable to stop the tears that were falling down her cheeks as she slid to the floor. Her heart was racing, her pulse pounding in her ears, and despite her best efforts, she could not stop shaking. She had thought that talking about all this with Maggie would make things more clear, would help her understand why, after so many years, she was finally beginning to understand herself, but she had been unable to say the words that had been pinging nonstop through her head for the last two days.
I think I might be gay.
God, just thinking it now made her feel like she was flying and falling at the same time. Her heart was fluttering with that rush of excitement while her stomach filled with dread because oh my god how could she not have known this earlier? She was a scientist, trained to study all angles, and yet this particular angle had never once occurred to her. Not once had the thought even crossed her mind, and yet now it was the only thought that seemed to cross her mind.
I think I might be gay.
Her pulse pounded harder and faster because she finally, finally felt like she was beginning to understand why she had always felt so different from everyone else. It was as freeing a feeling as when she had gone flying with Kara that first time, like all of the weight and the worry and the expectations she carried around with her had just disappeared as she lifted her face to the sun and felt the warmth of its rays on her skin. And yet, her throat was tight and there was a heaviness in her gut that reminded her of the training exercise she had done years ago where her chute hadn't opened and a fear like she had never known tore through her, making it impossible to breathe as her fingers scrabbled against her harness for the backup cord, the ground rushing to meet her at a speed that seemed so much faster than she was traveling.
She covered her face with her hands, squeezing her eyes shut against the wetness that coated her palms, and sucked in a deep, ragged breath as she wished that this push and pull inside her would just stop. That she could just fly without the fear of falling.
A knock on the door shocked her out of her thoughts, and she bit her lip as she held her breath, waiting for whomever was on the other side to leave.
Another knock. "Alex, it's me."
Alex huffed a tear-filled laugh because of course it was her. It had been her from the moment she broke onto that crime scene at the airport. She leaned her head back against the door and, for a moment, considered continuing to pretend like she wasn't home.
"I know you're home."
Of course she did.
Alex wiped her eyes with her sleeves as she clambered to her feet, under no illusion that it would erase the signs of her distress but there was no way she was going to face Maggie Sawyer, the woman who had flipped her entire goddamn life upside down, with tears on her face. She bit her lip as she unlocked the door, painfully aware of the way her heart seemed to be trying to beat its way out of her chest as she slowly pulled it open. "How did you know where I live?"
Maggie smiled that small, easy smile that haunted Alex's dreams at night. "I'm a detective. I did some detecting." She tilted her head to the side and shrugged. "Or, I might have followed you from the bar."
Alex frowned. "Why?"
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Maggie licked her lips and shoved her hands in the front pockets of her jeans.
Maggie chuckled and shook her head. "Can I come in? This isn't really a doorway kind of conversation, ya know?"
For a moment, for the briefest of moments, Alex considered saying no, but she couldn't send her away. Couldn't refuse the kindness and the understanding that was shining in Maggie's beautiful brown eyes. So she swallowed back her fear and nodded as she pulled the door open wider. "Sure "
"Thank you," Maggie whispered as she stepped over the threshold, her expression so soft and gentle that it made Alex want to start crying again because this was not the way she had imagined her life going, but just being close to Maggie made it painfully clear that this is how it would be. That this was what she had given up searching for. Once Alex had shut the door, Maggie leaned against the wall beside it, her posture open and unthreatening as she took in Alex's haggard appearance. "Are you okay?" she asked softly.
Alex shook her head, too beaten-down by this dramatic shift in her self-awareness to find the energy to lie. "I don't know," she whispered.
Maggie nodded. "It gets better. I know that sounds like total bullshit right now"she smirked as Alex huffed a laugh"but it does."
"God, I hope so," Alex muttered, wiping at her cheeks with the cuff of her sleeve. She swallowed thickly and sighed. "Because right now "
"It's like flying and falling at the same time," Maggie finished for her. "Like, it's amazing and wonderful and exciting, but at the same time so fucking terrifying that you just want it to stop because if this is the truth, then everything will change. Am I right?"
Alex nodded slowly, too surprised that Maggie knew exactly what she was feeling to respond.
"I know. I remember being right where you are now." She bit her lip and sighed. "Everything doesn't have to change, Alex. This is just one part of your life that might be a little different, but you are still Alex Danvers, badass DEO agent who gets a sick thrill in kicking lowly detectives out of her crime scenes."
Alex laughed, sending the tears that had pooled in her eyes tumbling free.
"You're still Alex Danvers," Maggie stressed softly. "You're still smart and driven and capable and none of that is going to change. All of the things that make you so amazing are not any different than before. You're still a perfect sister. You're still an amazing agent. Your life might change a little bit, but the things you hold dearyour family, your friends, and your jobthose won't."
Alex blinked at the conviction in Maggie's voice, sending more tears cascading down her cheeks. "How can you know that?"
Maggie pushed herself off the wall with her shoulder and shrugged. "Honestly? I don't. But I've seen you with Kara and I can tell how much she loves you; how much she worries about you. I've seen you with your agents, who follow your commands without hesitation because they trust your judgment. There are assholes in the world, I'm not going to lie about that, but I've seen the people you've surrounded yourself with, Alex, and I'm pretty sure that they want nothing more than to see you be happy."
Alex bit her lip and swallowed as she wiped at her cheeks. "I hope so."
Maggie nodded. "Me too." She pursed her lips thoughtfully and sighed as she reached up to gently tuck Alex's hair behind her ear. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I think so," Alex breathed, her eyes fluttering shut at the heavenly feeling of Maggie's fingers gliding behind her ear and over the hinge of her jaw.
"Good." Maggie's hand fell away, and when Alex blinked her eyes open, she was greeted with a kind, understanding smile.
Alex could not tear her eyes from the supple curve of Maggie's lips, and she licked her own as she rocked forward, heart pounding in her throat and her breath falling in ragged, shallow puffs. "Maggie "
"I know," Maggie whispered, gently cradling Alex's face in her hands. "But "
Alex closed her eyes, preparing herself to be rebuffed again because that's just the way things went for her. She swallowed thickly as Maggie's thumbs stroked lightly over her cheeks.
"Are you sure?"
Alex nodded, and was unable to contain the gasp of surprise that escaped her when she felt the soft press of Maggie's lips against her own a split-second later. She reached blindly for the rough denim at Maggie's hips, pulling her closer as she whimpered into the kiss, her stomach suddenly alight with butterflies in a way it had never been before, and she knew that this was what she had been missing all her life. She clung to Maggie, allowing her to push her up against the wall as their kiss deepened, tongues lightly stroking together in a way that made her throb, her body coming alive in a way it never had before. Their kisses remained gentle, tender, unhurried, full of more emotion than heat, an easy give and take that was more about exploration than escalation, and she whimpered when Maggie pressed a chaste, lingering kiss to her lips before pulling away.
"Is this okay?" Maggie asked softly.
Alex smiled. "God yes." She tightened her hold on Maggie's hips and pulled her closer. "It's like flying "
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