DISCLAIMER: Characters resembling those appearing on the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, are the property of MCA/Universal, Studios USA, and Renaissance Pics. Neither copyright infringement nor monetary gain is meant or anticipated in the writing of this fan fiction. Frankly, I doubt anyone would want to lay claim to this incarnation, but......This mess that you see before you is mine, got it? *g*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Dear gods, not another uber? Yup. Uber X&G poetry. Uber X&G narrative rhyming couplets-type poetry. May Athena have mercy on us all. A foul mouthed moose and a fair haired photographer. A recipe for disaster. This is a bit of insanity that I wrote on a whim last July '99. A friend jokingly wanted me to write a poem about a khaki colored sofa. She noticed that one character had Uber-Xe type tendencies- who knew??? Ok, considering whether this uh, bit of "poetry" should deem a subtext warning is a bit on the iffy side of things. It's better safe than sorry, so yaada yadda. You've been warned. Possible romantic interludes of the alternative (Oy kids, do I mean alternative) kind around the bend. Turn back before it hits ya straight (snicker) in the eyes. No dancing blue eyed moose and reddish blonde haired photojournalists were harmed in the making of this fan fic. [first posted aug 1999; final post feb 2001] Whew! Now, on to our story……….
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Little Gabby and the Moose
By angharad governal


L ittle Gabby's on the loose

Hunting an elusive moose

She walks into the wood one day

Searching for that giant prey

With horns on head and eyes that twinkle

She's named the moose, "My dear Bullwinkle."

Then suddenly, she heard a sound

She saw the moose; it turned around

And did a little pirouette.

It was a sight to see, and yet,

Our Gabby was not fazed a bit

Although the moose, with starts and fits,

Danced all around a redwood tree

With style and grace and moosely glee.

She'd found her prey and 'termined she

Thought, "Now's my chance! Oh my! Oh me!"


F rom her pack she brought out her weapon

She swung her greenish eyes to heaven

Then aimed her weapon, sure and true,

Towards that dancing moosely view.

She stopped and thought it was quite wacky

The moose's hue was brownish khaki.

It looked just like her brand new couch

Where she'd spend time in thought, in slouch.

She blinked her eyes. It was no doubt.

Her brow did crinkle, her mouth did pout.

Her thoughts flew fast

And then at last,

She decided on a course of action

She thought with glee and satisfaction

That the moose, in dancing splendor,

Would look quite fine if she could render

It in vivid technicolor hues

In pinks, purples, and neon blues.


A nd so, the great intrepid hunter

Crept near her prey and rent asunder

A nearby hedge that blocked her view

And so began to stalk anew

The elusive beast that's colored khaki

Which she did think was just quite wacky

As it danced and spun and preened

Just like a giant drunk drag queen

Around a tree, a hedge, a bush.

And Gabby thought, "Oh geez….A lush!"

"I think it's drunk," she said in whisper.

And wondered if the moose would miss her

Standing up because you see,

She had a terrible trick knee

And it was giving her such pain

That she thought she could not remain

In that awkward crouch position

Long enough to complete her mission.

She hoped the beast would surely stay

To dance the day and night away.

So she took a little chance

And hoped she wouldn't stop the dance

That took place before her eyes.


B ut lo! It took her by surprise

When suddenly the moose saw her

And pointed its big left antler

And spoke with big, deep moose-like voice,

"Come here, my dear, you have no choice.

You must come here and dance with me

In all my moosely, graceful glee."

The moose did say to our shocked hunter.

And so our Gabby began to wonder

If she were suddenly losing wit

That maybe she'll just go, just split

Out of this wood, back to her house

And to her nice, big comfy couch

That was a nice bright khaki brown

Where she would sit and lounge around

Instead of walking through the wood

And hunting for a moose that could

Possibly cause much bodily harm

Although the dancing had a smidge of charm.


I t smiled at her with such a smile

That it would, surely could beguile.

It smiled a silly crooked grin

And so she thought, "Okay, give in."

Our Gabby looked into its' eyes

And it took her by such surprise

That the moose with dark brown hair

Had bluest hue of eyes that stared

Into her own and so she said,

"I think I must have bumped my head

When I was hiding behind that tree

Because you look familiar to me."


T he moose just smiled that crooked grin

And did a little half turn spin

Around our intrepid little hunter

Which made our Gabby start to wonder

In this blesséd Earth's creation

If there was truth in reincarnation.

She was a bit tired and wished she were keener

But took a chance and said, "Xeener?"

"Yes, Gabrielle?" the moose did say.

"It can't be! No sir! No way!"

Gabby said. She was quite astonished

And began to loudly admonish

Herself for walking in the wood

Looking for animals that could

Trick her into thinking that

Her friend was a big moose, oh drat!

It led her from clear trodden paths

Into the deeper wood, alas!

Now she was lost, hungry, alone

And chilled right down to the very bone.


"Gabrielle," the moose did say

"I have a question, if I may?"

"Well, what is it?" Gabby said.

She turned around, heart filled with dread

Looked upon the blue eyed moose

And thought suddenly, "Great Zeus!

It looks just like my dear old Xena.

And not that threatening or mean." "Uh,"

Said the moose. It cleared its' throat to speak.

"I have the answer that you seek

Which will explain my animal form.

I know that it's not quite the norm.

Do you remember that shamaness Alti?

She cast a spell and it was faulty.

She turned me to this hulking beast

Who dwells in the wood and daily feast

On grass and bark and redwood tree

Oh my Gabby!  Please believe it's me!"

"What do we need to do, pray tell,

That will reverse this crazy spell?"

Our Gabby said to the regal beast

And hoped it was legal, at least.


Don't laugh! I swear this story's true!

I heard it from my Uncle Hugh

Although he was drunk at the time

But still could speak a lovely rhyme.

Ok, where were we in the story?

Don't worry, though the rest's not gory.

Or filled with strange abominations

That involve moose copulation

With our lovely Gab, the merry.

I know that thought is very scary.

Or weird at best, but don't blame me

Fault Uncle Hugh. Not me. It's he

That told this story to me once

Over a cup of vodka spiked punch.


The moose spoke up and said sincerely,

"That Alti chick, she told me clearly

How to break the evil spell.

Come here by me and I will tell.

And afterward we can reminisce.

What I need is true love's kiss."

"Are you crazy? Out of your mind?

'Cause you know, I'm not that kind

Of girl. Besides my reputation

Won't survive a confrontation

With a big ol' moose that's hairy.

How do I know that you're not Ares

Trying to pull a trick on me?

You're outta luck. Just change your plea."

The blue eyed moose was mad as hell

(I've studied moose and I can tell.)

And steam was coming out its' ears.

It was shaking in anger or fear

And proclaimed with such great passion

In its' very moose-like fashion,

"Oh Gabrielle, that's just like you!

You know that what I say is true!

Our love has lasted thousands of years

It's me Xena. Kiss me, c'mere!"


Gabrielle refused to move

And needed other signs that prove

That the moose's words were true.

(I'd hold out, now wouldn't you?)

The moose spoke up once more

But thought that it was quite a chore

To convince our little Gabrielle

Truth it was that it did tell.

"Ya know I think we're both in luck.

At least it wasn't true love's fuck!

It's only just a little peck

Go on say, 'yes' or 'what the heck!'

Oh Gabrielle, c'mere. Just kiss me!

I don't think you've even missed me.

You must have had an exciting life

While I wandered this wood in strife

Stuck in this khaki animal hide.

Do you have a job besides

Hunting animals for thrill?

I never thought that you would kill

Beasts and birds just for sport not food

I didn't think you were that sort or crude."


"Now wait a minute, you've got me wrong.

I don't sing that kind of song!

I take pictures all the live long day.

I'm really famous, by the way.

I take winning photographs

Of people, places, even giraffes!

All sorts of things the whole world through

I'm here to take a pic of you.

I'd heard rumors about a moose

In the forest, running loose.

People said it did a dance

So I had to take a chance.

Off I went,  deep forest bound

To see if I can bring renown

To the dancing forest beast

Or prove rumor false to say the least."


The moose it smiled that silly grin

And thought up a plan that would surely win

The confidence of young Gabrielle.

Its' moose heart began to swell

With pleasant thoughts of what it would do

When it became a human too.

"Now stand right there," the moose did say,

"And I will show you a way

So you will know that I'm not crazy.

I'm really Xena." "Ok, amaze me."

Said the skeptical former bard.

"Now don't blink, try really hard

To remember this little trick,

 A simple little backwards flip."

The big moose jumped, it did a spin

In the air and with a grin

It yelled Xena's old battle cry.

It looked like it could almost fly.


Gabrielle was so surprised.

A little tear rolled down her eyes.

As she beheld her dearest friend

Now a moose, but in the end,

She knew they would find a solution

Their problems would find resolution.

A favorite quote from that Shakespeare guy

Floated bright in her mind's eye,

'Journeys end in lovers' meeting'.

The moosely body was only fleeting.

That single quote from the play, "Twelfth Night"

Went round and round her mind despite

The fact that the moose was speaking.

It hoped  young Gab just wasn't freaking

Out because it jumped so high

And yelled its' good ol' battle cry.


Gabrielle wiped away her tears

And knew that she should have no fear.

She looked the moose straight in the eye

Thought that she just might try

To give the big ol' khaki moose

A little peck, a little goose.

Truth be told the bard was fearful

Her editors would give an earful

If ever they did find out

She kissed a moose. They'd scream and shout.

But when she looked into that blue hue

Her heart did flutter, as if on cue.

The moose was patient as can be

And it waited most faithfully

For the bard to make up her mind

Whether to kiss or leave it behind

To wander the darkening wood forever

Bereft of hope and human never.


"Ok," our Gabby then did say,

"Come kiss me now, make no delay.

Let's get this over with and fast."

And so the moose bent down at last,

To give Gabrielle a tender peck.

Our Gabby had to crane her neck

Because the moose was really tall.

She thought her lips would not at all

Reach its' furry moosey lips

She was standing on the tips

Of her toes with eyes shut tight

Just in case she just might

See how close the moose would be

To her face. A kiss. "Whoopee!,"

The moose did shriek

After kissing Gabby's cheek.


I t stepped back and began to wonder

What happened when the spell it was under

Failed to break without a hitch.

The moose it screamed and howled, "You bitch!

Alti! This is what I swear,

I will find you then I'll tear

You up limb from limb! I'll break this spell

And then I'll send ya straight to hell!"

"Oh gods I feel just like a jerk

I knew a stupid kiss won't work,"

Our heroine Gabrielle did say,

"Although I feel a bit dismayed.

That kissing stuff works in stories and tales

 And I thought our love would never fail."

"Do my moosely ears deceive me?

That you're sure I'm Xena?" "Believe me

Moose, I knew that it was you

When I looked in your eyes so blue."


Now the moose and our heroine

Scrammed out of that forest glen

To a lonely stretch of highway

Headed for the the nearest skyway

To take a cargo plane to Greece

So they can live in happiness and peace

After the curséd spell was broken.

They thought it was an incredible token

Of the gods and such great luck

When they spotted a Mack truck

Headed straight towards them in no great hurry.

The driver said, "Just hop right in. Hey, no worries."

The moose went in the empty hold.

And our dear Gabby, ever bold,

Sat right next to the long haul trucker.

The trucker solemnly declared, "That's a big fucker

Of a moose you got there, ma'am.

Say, where ya headed? Would you like some spam?"


Then he began to talk of Elvis,

The younger one, with gyratin' pelvis.

He didn't like the older, fat one.

He couldn't stand the sight of that one

That had succumb to drugs and burgers.

Then the moose howled bloody murder.

It wanted out of that truck real fast

It didn't think that it could last

Another minute listening to the racket

The trucker made. It just couldn't hack it.

The truck made an unexpected stop

And as the trucker began to mop

His sweaty brow, he gave our Gab a ragged book.

With a torn cover and and a friendly look.

It was a novel by Hunter Thompson.

"Where do you think we are? Wisconsin?"

Inquired the moose and wondered what to say next.

 Our Gabby spoke in a tone quite vexed,


"Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas....

I can't believe that you made us

Lose that ride! The guy was nice.

He didn't even ask a price!"

"Oh Gabrielle, I think you'd know

The trucker....he was very stoned.

He didn't even complain

When you said that you'd hop a plane

With a big ol' khaki moose."

"Oh Xena, that's just an excuse

Because you didn't want to hear

And really was dinstinctly clear

 That you utterly hate Elvis

Even the younger with the shakin' pelvis."


Then the moose gave Gab a look

Shook its' head and said, "Let's book

It to that diner across the way."

Our ticked off Gab just said, "Ok."

In silence they walked across the highway

Abruptly Gab said, "Xena, let's do this my way.

The people in there just won't abide

To have a big khaki moose inside

The diner while they're eating lunch."

"All right, I'll stay out here and munch

On some leaves and bark and grass

And watch for other trucks that pass

To see if we could get a ride.

Now, go on and eat some food inside."


After lunch,  they had a conversation

To ascertain their situation

By a tree next to the road.

They both went into thinking mode.

There must have been something that they missed

After they fulfilled true love's kiss.

Then Gabby said, voice tinged in suspicion,

"Maybe there were more conditions.

Why should we believe that evil Alti?

Didn't you say the spell was faulty?"

"Gabrielle, how many moose do you know

That can talk and dance instead of bellow?"

"Well, that depends.....Can you sing too?"

"Of course I can. Just to amuse you

I'll sing a song that will give you a thrill

Because you know, I have many skills."


And so, Xena the moose started to sing.

Its' moosey voice began to ring

Across the nearby forest and wood.

Even folks in the diner could

Hear the moose's voice so loud

Our two heroes drew a substantial crowd

That listened in utter silence and awe

Watching the moose,  voice without flaw,

Singing to Gabrielle,  its' eyes to the sky

Belting out an aria from 'Madam Butterfly'.

A man with a with beard stepped out of the throng

As the crowd loudly clapped on and on.

He addressed our Gabby and the moose,

"My dear lady, let me introduce

Myself to you and your moose so harmonious.

And let me assure you there's nothing felonius

About the offer that I will propose....This idea of mine

But if you object, don't hesitate to decline.....

I'm a  theater producer and let me just say,

You, my dear moose belong on Broadway!"


Gab and the moose just stared at the man.

Then our Gab said in whisper, "Xena, I may have a plan.

We'll go to New York and you can sing in some shows.

I'll look around town for someone who knows

How to break curses and lift evil spells."

The moose looked at Gab and said, "Oh, what the hell!

We've got nothing to lose so we might as well try it.

But I really doubt that the public will buy it."

So Gab and the moose headed for the Big Apple

To bright city lights to see if they can grapple

With the fickle mistress that is called Fame

And to search for someone to help them reclaim

The humanity that Xena had lost

And they vowed to regain it no matter the cost.


But my Uncle Hugh he stopped mid-story,

In slightly slurred voice he croaked, "Morning glory,

Get your Uncle Hugh more vodka punch

And get yourself a little lunch."

I rose from my chair quite reluctantly.

Got some punch for him, a sandwich for me.

Then sat back down to hear the tale

That he to me so far regaled.

He looked all about in a glassy eyed stare

He chuckled a bit, ran a hand through his hair

And looked at me blankly as I sat there just waiting

Wondering how it would end, my heart palpitating.

I cleared my throat hoping he would say what went next.

And I'm not proud to say it, but I was quite vexed

As the minutes ticked on and he sat and he sat.

And I thought, "He'll pass out and that will be that."

He blinked a few times, took a sip from his drink,

Then said, "Okay my dear, now let me just think…."

And so my drunk uncle continued his story so true

About Xena the Moose and our Gabrielle too.


The City was bright; the City was bold,

Our heroes arrived without fanfare, I'm told.

They looked around town and they were quite thorough

And found a nice place in one of the boroughs.

I think it was Brooklyn or maybe in Queens

The moose started working and they had the means

For Gab to go searching here and there, up and down

To break that old spell, so she headed to town.

And here we will leave our fine picture taker

Let's hope she finds something that isn't a fake ..er.


Our Xena the moose was a singing machine

She belted out tunes, her eyes all agleam.

She had some good numbers and got good reviews

And then one fine day, she got on the news.

The Times ran a story, she was famous you see,

So lo and behold, she was booked on TV.

Today show it was with Katie and Matt and the weather guy, Al,

Ann Curry (She's cute. * Ah, sigh* What a gal.

I chuckled a little and my Uncle did blush.

Because truth be told, he had a big crush

On that Ann Curry chick. Yeah, it was too cute to see.

But like I was saying, the moose, the TV.)


She sang a few songs and did a wee dance

The Today show gang were all in a trance

As they watched, eyes unblinking and mouths all agape

At the sight of our moose in a bright purple cape

Singing and dancing for all she was worth

Then from the large crowd someone let out a curse.

The people then parted just like the Red Sea

For that Moses guy. That someone said, "Hee

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ho.

Ya wanna see something? I'll give ya a show!"

From out of the crowd emerged a woman in red

The woman wore beads on her head and she said,

"Step back! Keep away!

For this is that moose's last dancing day!"


It was Alti, you see, revenge on her mind

Despite the track lighting, she didn't look kind.

"Ah Xena," she cackled as she came ever nearer.

"Since you're now a moose, my aim is now clearer.

I'll kill you right now on national TV.

No one can save you. It's just you and me."

Then from the backstage there came such a fuss.

Gabby burst in, her hair in a muss.

She intoned, "My moose Xena, I've found the right potion.

So you can be human. It's actually a lotion."

Gab stopped in her tracks when she spotted old Alti.

And said, "Hey you bitch, your spell was real faulty.

If the moose you created didn't talk, sing or dance

I wouldn't have found her in those woods, just by chance."


Alti screamed and she lunged at the bard

But the moose tripped her legs and she fell really hard

Flat on her face, live on national TV.

The moose, it just smiled and Gab said, "Tee hee!"

Gab ran to the moose, hugged its neck, kissed its cheek.

The moose, well, it blushed and its knees got all weak.

Gab rubbed the pink lotion on the moose fur

Then a strange thing happened, it shimmered and whired.

But like those old tales of days long of yore,

The moose, it transformed and became human once more.


Then my uncle stopped talking, sipped his punch laced with liquor,

Drained it (one gulp), stood up, said, "Wow, that's a kicker."

I sat there unbelieving that he would just leave

Without finishing the story, so I grabbed onto his sleeve.

Said, "Wait Uncle Hugh. What happens next?

It can't just be over. Aren't they having sex?"

I protested quite weakly.

He smiled, mussed my hair, and said, "Now you're being cheeky."

He shrugged and then spoke, "Well that's all that I know.

I couldn't just say…Sweetie, I gotta go."

He waved his goodbye and walked out of the room.

I sat there dishearted, silent as a tomb.

I sat there depressed. I had listened for hours.

I wanted to leave, but lacked the will power.


I sat by myself staring out at the wall

When somewhere from behind me I heard a footfall.

"Oh, there you are," said a voice that I knew.

"I had been searching, then I ran into Hugh."

I nodded my head and that person sat down.

I leaned on her shoulder and started to frown.

"Well, what's the matter?" she said in a whisper.

"Uncle Hugh told a story." And I said that I missed her.

She drew my face up, placed a kiss on my nose.

"Please tell me the story?" "Oh well, I suppose."

I told her tale that Hugh had told me.

I finished the tale. She sat quietly.

"There wasn't much action," she finally said.

No word did I utter, just nodded my head.

"It would have been better with some gore and some blood.

It would have been good, but it's just a dud.

Besides, you know what has got me perplexed?"

"What?" I said softly. "I distinctly remember that we did have sex."

I laughed rather softly as her lips brushed my hair.

"And as I recall, we had it right there."

I started to blush and said, "Love, not so loud.

I'll have you know, it's a gossipy crowd."


Then I heard Aunt Martha call out my name.

"Gabrielle, dear. You're not mingling. For shame."

We stood up and walked to the doorway nearby.

I hugged my dear Aunt and I said my goodbye.

"My dear, you're not leaving? " she said as she took in the view

Of my tall companion with eyes of blue hue.

"It's much too early, about a quarter to two.

Who's your tall friend? My dear do I know you?

Convince my young niece that it's really not late."

I said to my aunt, "This is Xena, my date."

"Xena?" she asked, "Like that story Hugh told?

When he got drunk?" She smiled and said softly, "I'm getting too old."

She kissed Xena's cheek and mine also to boot.

Whispered in my ear, "Oh my dear, she's so cute."

She said her goodbyes and gave me a hug.

As we walked out the door, I tried not to look smug.

We arrived in the boroughs safe, happy, and all.

We entered our home and walked down the hall.


So that's the end of this Xe and Gab story in rhyme.

It wasn't complex or even sublime.

I bet now you're thinking , "You've wasted my time!

You said in the text

That the two would have sex.

You're writing the end

Where's the nookie, my friend? "

See, there's the problem. This rhyming's real tough.

It's hard to rhyme stuff like that off the cuff.

Suffice it to say, Xe and Gab got it on without fail.

There's no need to spell out the lurid detail.

Happily they lived like two turtledoves.

Happily they lived, happily in love.



 Now I bet you're wondering what this is about

The story is over, but guess what? Don't pout.

It's an epilogue, silly -- a tad kinky and goofy.

I gave ya fair warning. Don't write and reprove me.


The story, it ended quite happily.

Xena got Gabs. All was well. Hey whoopee.

But between all of us, it wasn't the end

It's a kinky epilogue. That's my warning, my friend.


After the party X and G, they went home.

But like I just said, that's not the end of the poem.

So settle in folks, pull a chair, have some tea or some coffee.

I'll relate the real ending that's just a wee naughty.


Gab wore a dress. It was fabulous, see.

And it fit her quite snugly. It was cute to a T.

They arrived home, closed the door, climbed up the stair.

Then Xena sat down in a big leather chair.

And watched with great interest while Gab got undressed.

Her eyes were like saucers, no kidding, no jest.

Xena sat silent while Gab slipped a nightie

Over her body. Then Xena said brightly,

"That was a nice party your Aunt Martha threw.

Everyone was nice, even your Uncle Hugh."

Gabrielle nodded, gave Xe 's forehead a tap

And with a big smile sat on Xena's lap.

"You know what was strange and unusual to me?

No one knew I was the moose that was on the TV."

Gabrielle said nothing, but smiled a big smile.

They started french kissing. It lasted awhile.

Then they stopped kissing. Gab said breathlessly,

"Oh, Xena I love you. Let's have at it. Fuck me."

Xena kissed Gab sweetly and led her to bed.

Then asked quite politely, "Tongue or fisting instead?"


And now, gentle reader, you're not choking I hope

When you read that last line. Gave fair warning, no joke.

You thought that this tale was nice, but not naughty?

What's that you say? "This stuff doesn't shock me."

Well then that's good. And what happened next?

You all know what happened. They had great sex

Using all sorts of toys. They had a great time.

But there were so many I can't put it in rhyme.

Suffice it to say, Xe and Gab had a ball all the night.

And when they were finished they turned off the lights.


The End

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