DISCLAIMER: Characters resembling those appearing on the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, are the property of MCA/Universal, Studios USA, and Renaissance Pics. Neither copyright infringement nor monetary gain is meant or anticipated in the writing of this fan fiction. Frankly, I doubt anyone would want to lay claim to this incarnation, but......This mess that you see before you is mine, got it? *g*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Dear gods, not another uber? Yup. Uber X&G poetry. Uber X&G narrative rhyming couplets-type poetry. May Athena have mercy on us all. A foul mouthed moose and a fair haired photographer. A recipe for disaster. This is a bit of insanity that I wrote on a whim last July '99. A friend jokingly wanted me to write a poem about a khaki colored sofa. She noticed that one character had Uber-Xe type tendencies- who knew??? Ok, considering whether this uh, bit of "poetry" should deem a subtext warning is a bit on the iffy side of things. It's better safe than sorry, so yaada yadda. You've been warned. Possible romantic interludes of the alternative (Oy kids, do I mean alternative) kind around the bend. Turn back before it hits ya straight (snicker) in the eyes. No dancing blue eyed moose and reddish blonde haired photojournalists were harmed in the making of this fan fic. [first posted aug 1999; final post feb 2001] Whew! Now, on to our story .
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Little Gabby and the Moose
By angharad governal
L ittle Gabby's on the loose
Hunting an elusive moose
She walks into the wood one day
Searching for that giant prey
With horns on head and eyes that twinkle
She's named the moose, "My dear Bullwinkle."
Then suddenly, she heard a sound
She saw the moose; it turned around
And did a little pirouette.
It was a sight to see, and yet,
Our Gabby was not fazed a bit
Although the moose, with starts and fits,
Danced all around a redwood tree
With style and grace and moosely glee.
She'd found her prey and 'termined she
Thought, "Now's my chance! Oh my! Oh me!"
F rom her pack she brought out her weapon
She swung her greenish eyes to heaven
Then aimed her weapon, sure and true,
Towards that dancing moosely view.
She stopped and thought it was quite wacky
The moose's hue was brownish khaki.
It looked just like her brand new couch
Where she'd spend time in thought, in slouch.
She blinked her eyes. It was no doubt.
Her brow did crinkle, her mouth did pout.
Her thoughts flew fast
And then at last,
She decided on a course of action
She thought with glee and satisfaction
That the moose, in dancing splendor,
Would look quite fine if she could render
It in vivid technicolor hues
In pinks, purples, and neon blues.
A nd so, the great intrepid hunter
Crept near her prey and rent asunder
A nearby hedge that blocked her view
And so began to stalk anew
The elusive beast that's colored khaki
Which she did think was just quite wacky
As it danced and spun and preened
Just like a giant drunk drag queen
Around a tree, a hedge, a bush.
And Gabby thought, "Oh geez .A lush!"
"I think it's drunk," she said in whisper.
And wondered if the moose would miss her
Standing up because you see,
She had a terrible trick knee
And it was giving her such pain
That she thought she could not remain
In that awkward crouch position
Long enough to complete her mission.
She hoped the beast would surely stay
To dance the day and night away.
So she took a little chance
And hoped she wouldn't stop the dance
That took place before her eyes.
B ut lo! It took her by surprise
When suddenly the moose saw her
And pointed its big left antler
And spoke with big, deep moose-like voice,
"Come here, my dear, you have no choice.
You must come here and dance with me
In all my moosely, graceful glee."
The moose did say to our shocked hunter.
And so our Gabby began to wonder
If she were suddenly losing wit
That maybe she'll just go, just split
Out of this wood, back to her house
And to her nice, big comfy couch
That was a nice bright khaki brown
Where she would sit and lounge around
Instead of walking through the wood
And hunting for a moose that could
Possibly cause much bodily harm
Although the dancing had a smidge of charm.
I t smiled at her with such a smile
That it would, surely could beguile.
It smiled a silly crooked grin
And so she thought, "Okay, give in."
Our Gabby looked into its' eyes
And it took her by such surprise
That the moose with dark brown hair
Had bluest hue of eyes that stared
Into her own and so she said,
"I think I must have bumped my head
When I was hiding behind that tree
Because you look familiar to me."
T he moose just smiled that crooked grin
And did a little half turn spin
Around our intrepid little hunter
Which made our Gabby start to wonder
In this blesséd Earth's creation
If there was truth in reincarnation.
She was a bit tired and wished she were keener
But took a chance and said, "Xeener?"
"Yes, Gabrielle?" the moose did say.
"It can't be! No sir! No way!"
Gabby said. She was quite astonished
And began to loudly admonish
Herself for walking in the wood
Looking for animals that could
Trick her into thinking that
Her friend was a big moose, oh drat!
It led her from clear trodden paths
Into the deeper wood, alas!
Now she was lost, hungry, alone
And chilled right down to the very bone.
"Gabrielle," the moose did say
"I have a question, if I may?"
"Well, what is it?" Gabby said.
She turned around, heart filled with dread
Looked upon the blue eyed moose
And thought suddenly, "Great Zeus!
It looks just like my dear old Xena.
And not that threatening or mean." "Uh,"
Said the moose. It cleared its' throat to speak.
"I have the answer that you seek
Which will explain my animal form.
I know that it's not quite the norm.
Do you remember that shamaness Alti?
She cast a spell and it was faulty.
She turned me to this hulking beast
Who dwells in the wood and daily feast
On grass and bark and redwood tree
Oh my Gabby! Please believe it's me!"
"What do we need to do, pray tell,
That will reverse this crazy spell?"
Our Gabby said to the regal beast
And hoped it was legal, at least.
Don't laugh! I swear this story's true!
I heard it from my Uncle Hugh
Although he was drunk at the time
But still could speak a lovely rhyme.
Ok, where were we in the story?
Don't worry, though the rest's not gory.
Or filled with strange abominations
That involve moose copulation
With our lovely Gab, the merry.
I know that thought is very scary.
Or weird at best, but don't blame me
Fault Uncle Hugh. Not me. It's he
That told this story to me once
Over a cup of vodka spiked punch.
The moose spoke up and said sincerely,
"That Alti chick, she told me clearly
How to break the evil spell.
Come here by me and I will tell.
And afterward we can reminisce.
What I need is true love's kiss."
"Are you crazy? Out of your mind?
'Cause you know, I'm not that kind
Of girl. Besides my reputation
Won't survive a confrontation
With a big ol' moose that's hairy.
How do I know that you're not Ares
Trying to pull a trick on me?
You're outta luck. Just change your plea."
The blue eyed moose was mad as hell
(I've studied moose and I can tell.)
And steam was coming out its' ears.
It was shaking in anger or fear
And proclaimed with such great passion
In its' very moose-like fashion,
"Oh Gabrielle, that's just like you!
You know that what I say is true!
Our love has lasted thousands of years
It's me Xena. Kiss me, c'mere!"
Gabrielle refused to move
And needed other signs that prove
That the moose's words were true.
(I'd hold out, now wouldn't you?)
The moose spoke up once more
But thought that it was quite a chore
To convince our little Gabrielle
Truth it was that it did tell.
"Ya know I think we're both in luck.
At least it wasn't true love's fuck!
It's only just a little peck
Go on say, 'yes' or 'what the heck!'
Oh Gabrielle, c'mere. Just kiss me!
I don't think you've even missed me.
You must have had an exciting life
While I wandered this wood in strife
Stuck in this khaki animal hide.
Do you have a job besides
Hunting animals for thrill?
I never thought that you would kill
Beasts and birds just for sport not food
I didn't think you were that sort or crude."
"Now wait a minute, you've got me wrong.
I don't sing that kind of song!
I take pictures all the live long day.
I'm really famous, by the way.
I take winning photographs
Of people, places, even giraffes!
All sorts of things the whole world through
I'm here to take a pic of you.
I'd heard rumors about a moose
In the forest, running loose.
People said it did a dance
So I had to take a chance.
Off I went, deep forest bound
To see if I can bring renown
To the dancing forest beast
Or prove rumor false to say the least."
The moose it smiled that silly grin
And thought up a plan that would surely win
The confidence of young Gabrielle.
Its' moose heart began to swell
With pleasant thoughts of what it would do
When it became a human too.
"Now stand right there," the moose did say,
"And I will show you a way
So you will know that I'm not crazy.
I'm really Xena." "Ok, amaze me."
Said the skeptical former bard.
"Now don't blink, try really hard
To remember this little trick,
A simple little backwards flip."
The big moose jumped, it did a spin
In the air and with a grin
It yelled Xena's old battle cry.
It looked like it could almost fly.
Gabrielle was so surprised.
A little tear rolled down her eyes.
As she beheld her dearest friend
Now a moose, but in the end,
She knew they would find a solution
Their problems would find resolution.
A favorite quote from that Shakespeare guy
Floated bright in her mind's eye,
'Journeys end in lovers' meeting'.
The moosely body was only fleeting.
That single quote from the play, "Twelfth Night"
Went round and round her mind despite
The fact that the moose was speaking.
It hoped young Gab just wasn't freaking
Out because it jumped so high
And yelled its' good ol' battle cry.
Gabrielle wiped away her tears
And knew that she should have no fear.
She looked the moose straight in the eye
Thought that she just might try
To give the big ol' khaki moose
A little peck, a little goose.
Truth be told the bard was fearful
Her editors would give an earful
If ever they did find out
She kissed a moose. They'd scream and shout.
But when she looked into that blue hue
Her heart did flutter, as if on cue.
The moose was patient as can be
And it waited most faithfully
For the bard to make up her mind
Whether to kiss or leave it behind
To wander the darkening wood forever
Bereft of hope and human never.
"Ok," our Gabby then did say,
"Come kiss me now, make no delay.
Let's get this over with and fast."
And so the moose bent down at last,
To give Gabrielle a tender peck.
Our Gabby had to crane her neck
Because the moose was really tall.
She thought her lips would not at all
Reach its' furry moosey lips
She was standing on the tips
Of her toes with eyes shut tight
Just in case she just might
See how close the moose would be
To her face. A kiss. "Whoopee!,"
The moose did shriek
After kissing Gabby's cheek.
I t stepped back and began to wonder
What happened when the spell it was under
Failed to break without a hitch.
The moose it screamed and howled, "You bitch!
Alti! This is what I swear,
I will find you then I'll tear
You up limb from limb! I'll break this spell
And then I'll send ya straight to hell!"
"Oh gods I feel just like a jerk
I knew a stupid kiss won't work,"
Our heroine Gabrielle did say,
"Although I feel a bit dismayed.
That kissing stuff works in stories and tales
And I thought our love would never fail."
"Do my moosely ears deceive me?
That you're sure I'm Xena?" "Believe me
Moose, I knew that it was you
When I looked in your eyes so blue."
Now the moose and our heroine
Scrammed out of that forest glen
To a lonely stretch of highway
Headed for the the nearest skyway
To take a cargo plane to Greece
So they can live in happiness and peace
After the curséd spell was broken.
They thought it was an incredible token
Of the gods and such great luck
When they spotted a Mack truck
Headed straight towards them in no great hurry.
The driver said, "Just hop right in. Hey, no worries."
The moose went in the empty hold.
And our dear Gabby, ever bold,
Sat right next to the long haul trucker.
The trucker solemnly declared, "That's a big fucker
Of a moose you got there, ma'am.
Say, where ya headed? Would you like some spam?"
Then he began to talk of Elvis,
The younger one, with gyratin' pelvis.
He didn't like the older, fat one.
He couldn't stand the sight of that one
That had succumb to drugs and burgers.
Then the moose howled bloody murder.
It wanted out of that truck real fast
It didn't think that it could last
Another minute listening to the racket
The trucker made. It just couldn't hack it.
The truck made an unexpected stop
And as the trucker began to mop
His sweaty brow, he gave our Gab a ragged book.
With a torn cover and and a friendly look.
It was a novel by Hunter Thompson.
"Where do you think we are? Wisconsin?"
Inquired the moose and wondered what to say next.
Our Gabby spoke in a tone quite vexed,
"Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas....
I can't believe that you made us
Lose that ride! The guy was nice.
He didn't even ask a price!"
"Oh Gabrielle, I think you'd know
The trucker....he was very stoned.
He didn't even complain
When you said that you'd hop a plane
With a big ol' khaki moose."
"Oh Xena, that's just an excuse
Because you didn't want to hear
And really was dinstinctly clear
That you utterly hate Elvis
Even the younger with the shakin' pelvis."
Then the moose gave Gab a look
Shook its' head and said, "Let's book
It to that diner across the way."
Our ticked off Gab just said, "Ok."
In silence they walked across the highway
Abruptly Gab said, "Xena, let's do this my way.
The people in there just won't abide
To have a big khaki moose inside
The diner while they're eating lunch."
"All right, I'll stay out here and munch
On some leaves and bark and grass
And watch for other trucks that pass
To see if we could get a ride.
Now, go on and eat some food inside."
After lunch, they had a conversation
To ascertain their situation
By a tree next to the road.
They both went into thinking mode.
There must have been something that they missed
After they fulfilled true love's kiss.
Then Gabby said, voice tinged in suspicion,
"Maybe there were more conditions.
Why should we believe that evil Alti?
Didn't you say the spell was faulty?"
"Gabrielle, how many moose do you know
That can talk and dance instead of bellow?"
"Well, that depends.....Can you sing too?"
"Of course I can. Just to amuse you
I'll sing a song that will give you a thrill
Because you know, I have many skills."
And so, Xena the moose started to sing.
Its' moosey voice began to ring
Across the nearby forest and wood.
Even folks in the diner could
Hear the moose's voice so loud
Our two heroes drew a substantial crowd
That listened in utter silence and awe
Watching the moose, voice without flaw,
Singing to Gabrielle, its' eyes to the sky
Belting out an aria from 'Madam Butterfly'.
A man with a with beard stepped out of the throng
As the crowd loudly clapped on and on.
He addressed our Gabby and the moose,
"My dear lady, let me introduce
Myself to you and your moose so harmonious.
And let me assure you there's nothing felonius
About the offer that I will propose....This idea of mine
But if you object, don't hesitate to decline.....
I'm a theater producer and let me just say,
You, my dear moose belong on Broadway!"
Gab and the moose just stared at the man.
Then our Gab said in whisper, "Xena, I may have a plan.
We'll go to New York and you can sing in some shows.
I'll look around town for someone who knows
How to break curses and lift evil spells."
The moose looked at Gab and said, "Oh, what the hell!
We've got nothing to lose so we might as well try it.
But I really doubt that the public will buy it."
So Gab and the moose headed for the Big Apple
To bright city lights to see if they can grapple
With the fickle mistress that is called Fame
And to search for someone to help them reclaim
The humanity that Xena had lost
And they vowed to regain it no matter the cost.
But my Uncle Hugh he stopped mid-story,
In slightly slurred voice he croaked, "Morning glory,
Get your Uncle Hugh more vodka punch
And get yourself a little lunch."
I rose from my chair quite reluctantly.
Got some punch for him, a sandwich for me.
Then sat back down to hear the tale
That he to me so far regaled.
He looked all about in a glassy eyed stare
He chuckled a bit, ran a hand through his hair
And looked at me blankly as I sat there just waiting
Wondering how it would end, my heart palpitating.
I cleared my throat hoping he would say what went next.
And I'm not proud to say it, but I was quite vexed
As the minutes ticked on and he sat and he sat.
And I thought, "He'll pass out and that will be that."
He blinked a few times, took a sip from his drink,
Then said, "Okay my dear, now let me just think ."
And so my drunk uncle continued his story so true
About Xena the Moose and our Gabrielle too.
The City was bright; the City was bold,
Our heroes arrived without fanfare, I'm told.
They looked around town and they were quite thorough
And found a nice place in one of the boroughs.
I think it was Brooklyn or maybe in Queens
The moose started working and they had the means
For Gab to go searching here and there, up and down
To break that old spell, so she headed to town.
And here we will leave our fine picture taker
Let's hope she finds something that isn't a fake ..er.
Our Xena the moose was a singing machine
She belted out tunes, her eyes all agleam.
She had some good numbers and got good reviews
And then one fine day, she got on the news.
The Times ran a story, she was famous you see,
So lo and behold, she was booked on TV.
Today show it was with Katie and Matt and the weather guy, Al,
Ann Curry (She's cute. * Ah, sigh* What a gal.
I chuckled a little and my Uncle did blush.
Because truth be told, he had a big crush
On that Ann Curry chick. Yeah, it was too cute to see.
But like I was saying, the moose, the TV.)
She sang a few songs and did a wee dance
The Today show gang were all in a trance
As they watched, eyes unblinking and mouths all agape
At the sight of our moose in a bright purple cape
Singing and dancing for all she was worth
Then from the large crowd someone let out a curse.
The people then parted just like the Red Sea
For that Moses guy. That someone said, "Hee
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ho.
Ya wanna see something? I'll give ya a show!"
From out of the crowd emerged a woman in red
The woman wore beads on her head and she said,
"Step back! Keep away!
For this is that moose's last dancing day!"
It was Alti, you see, revenge on her mind
Despite the track lighting, she didn't look kind.
"Ah Xena," she cackled as she came ever nearer.
"Since you're now a moose, my aim is now clearer.
I'll kill you right now on national TV.
No one can save you. It's just you and me."
Then from the backstage there came such a fuss.
Gabby burst in, her hair in a muss.
She intoned, "My moose Xena, I've found the right potion.
So you can be human. It's actually a lotion."
Gab stopped in her tracks when she spotted old Alti.
And said, "Hey you bitch, your spell was real faulty.
If the moose you created didn't talk, sing or dance
I wouldn't have found her in those woods, just by chance."
Alti screamed and she lunged at the bard
But the moose tripped her legs and she fell really hard
Flat on her face, live on national TV.
The moose, it just smiled and Gab said, "Tee hee!"
Gab ran to the moose, hugged its neck, kissed its cheek.
The moose, well, it blushed and its knees got all weak.
Gab rubbed the pink lotion on the moose fur
Then a strange thing happened, it shimmered and whired.
But like those old tales of days long of yore,
The moose, it transformed and became human once more.
Then my uncle stopped talking, sipped his punch laced with liquor,
Drained it (one gulp), stood up, said, "Wow, that's a kicker."
I sat there unbelieving that he would just leave
Without finishing the story, so I grabbed onto his sleeve.
Said, "Wait Uncle Hugh. What happens next?
It can't just be over. Aren't they having sex?"
I protested quite weakly.
He smiled, mussed my hair, and said, "Now you're being cheeky."
He shrugged and then spoke, "Well that's all that I know.
I couldn't just say Sweetie, I gotta go."
He waved his goodbye and walked out of the room.
I sat there dishearted, silent as a tomb.
I sat there depressed. I had listened for hours.
I wanted to leave, but lacked the will power.
I sat by myself staring out at the wall
When somewhere from behind me I heard a footfall.
"Oh, there you are," said a voice that I knew.
"I had been searching, then I ran into Hugh."
I nodded my head and that person sat down.
I leaned on her shoulder and started to frown.
"Well, what's the matter?" she said in a whisper.
"Uncle Hugh told a story." And I said that I missed her.
She drew my face up, placed a kiss on my nose.
"Please tell me the story?" "Oh well, I suppose."
I told her tale that Hugh had told me.
I finished the tale. She sat quietly.
"There wasn't much action," she finally said.
No word did I utter, just nodded my head.
"It would have been better with some gore and some blood.
It would have been good, but it's just a dud.
Besides, you know what has got me perplexed?"
"What?" I said softly. "I distinctly remember that we did have sex."
I laughed rather softly as her lips brushed my hair.
"And as I recall, we had it right there."
I started to blush and said, "Love, not so loud.
I'll have you know, it's a gossipy crowd."
Then I heard Aunt Martha call out my name.
"Gabrielle, dear. You're not mingling. For shame."
We stood up and walked to the doorway nearby.
I hugged my dear Aunt and I said my goodbye.
"My dear, you're not leaving? " she said as she took in the view
Of my tall companion with eyes of blue hue.
"It's much too early, about a quarter to two.
Who's your tall friend? My dear do I know you?
Convince my young niece that it's really not late."
I said to my aunt, "This is Xena, my date."
"Xena?" she asked, "Like that story Hugh told?
When he got drunk?" She smiled and said softly, "I'm getting too old."
She kissed Xena's cheek and mine also to boot.
Whispered in my ear, "Oh my dear, she's so cute."
She said her goodbyes and gave me a hug.
As we walked out the door, I tried not to look smug.
We arrived in the boroughs safe, happy, and all.
We entered our home and walked down the hall.
So that's the end of this Xe and Gab story in rhyme.
It wasn't complex or even sublime.
I bet now you're thinking , "You've wasted my time!
You said in the text
That the two would have sex.
You're writing the end
Where's the nookie, my friend? "
See, there's the problem. This rhyming's real tough.
It's hard to rhyme stuff like that off the cuff.
Suffice it to say, Xe and Gab got it on without fail.
There's no need to spell out the lurid detail.
Happily they lived like two turtledoves.
Happily they lived, happily in love.
Now I bet you're wondering what this is about
The story is over, but guess what? Don't pout.
It's an epilogue, silly -- a tad kinky and goofy.
I gave ya fair warning. Don't write and reprove me.
The story, it ended quite happily.
Xena got Gabs. All was well. Hey whoopee.
But between all of us, it wasn't the end
It's a kinky epilogue. That's my warning, my friend.
After the party X and G, they went home.
But like I just said, that's not the end of the poem.
So settle in folks, pull a chair, have some tea or some coffee.
I'll relate the real ending that's just a wee naughty.
Gab wore a dress. It was fabulous, see.
And it fit her quite snugly. It was cute to a T.
They arrived home, closed the door, climbed up the stair.
Then Xena sat down in a big leather chair.
And watched with great interest while Gab got undressed.
Her eyes were like saucers, no kidding, no jest.
Xena sat silent while Gab slipped a nightie
Over her body. Then Xena said brightly,
"That was a nice party your Aunt Martha threw.
Everyone was nice, even your Uncle Hugh."
Gabrielle nodded, gave Xe 's forehead a tap
And with a big smile sat on Xena's lap.
"You know what was strange and unusual to me?
No one knew I was the moose that was on the TV."
Gabrielle said nothing, but smiled a big smile.
They started french kissing. It lasted awhile.
Then they stopped kissing. Gab said breathlessly,
"Oh, Xena I love you. Let's have at it. Fuck me."
Xena kissed Gab sweetly and led her to bed.
Then asked quite politely, "Tongue or fisting instead?"
And now, gentle reader, you're not choking I hope
When you read that last line. Gave fair warning, no joke.
You thought that this tale was nice, but not naughty?
What's that you say? "This stuff doesn't shock me."
Well then that's good. And what happened next?
You all know what happened. They had great sex
Using all sorts of toys. They had a great time.
But there were so many I can't put it in rhyme.
Suffice it to say, Xe and Gab had a ball all the night.
And when they were finished they turned off the lights.
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