DISCLAIMER: The characters herein are used without permission. No infringement intended.
CHALLENGE: Submitted for the first International Day of Femslash.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Whatcha' Talkin' 'Bout, Gordon?
By Erin Griffin
I wondered what she was thinking as she sat on the roof. The snow fell in soft swirls around her, and I felt frozen to the ground as I watched her. It is my fault those tears fell down her cheeks. I should have stayed the way I was. I should have trusted no one but myself and the lovely woman in front of me. But I promised her I'd give therapy a shot and I did. And now Wade Brickman is dead. Stabbed in the heart, and dumped somewhere like yesterday's rotten meat. Barbara tells me time and again that she doesn't blame me, but I think she lies. If she ever looks at me, it is with those eyes once filled with joy, now asking me why I let her down. I can't face those eyes. Why did I have to tell her about Wade? Perhaps it was better that I didn't tell her everything about Wade... about how I felt about him.
She would have used that against me and I am sure I would have stabbed him, not Harley Quinn. There was no way in Hell I would have told her that I was jealous of Wade. I mean, before it was just Barbara, Alfred and I in the Clocktower. Our own little team of Superfriends. Then there was Dinah, and her perky upbeat attitude made Barbara smile and I no longer did. Then after a while Dinah screwed up, and the disappointment on Barbara's face replaced the smiles for a while... and it was I who made her smile once more. Then there was Wade. Our Clocktower, as large as it is, got crowded. Seems silly now... I sound like a 4 year old that just got a new baby sister or something... I didn't mean to do it. I didn't know why I had to even mention Wade. I think I was going to tell Dr. Quinzel the biggest secret of my life, and Wade was just the ladder to climb to the window of opportunity... What was my big secret? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be my big secret anymore. Besides, the last time I entrusted anyone with stuff like that, I was hypnotized and Barbara's life shattered. Now, Alfred wanders around with Reese, answering his questions about Batman, Robin, Black Canary... all of the superheroes of way back when. Dinah is confused as of what to do, so she stays in her room and studies when she's not needed, and I... I brood in my apartment.
In the far crevices of my mind, I hear 'Why don't you tell Barbara how you feel? Tell her that you are in love with her.' There is no way I can tell her how I feel now. She loved Wade more than anything, more than 'the life'. She wanted one life to mix with the other, and for a few days they did. I think the hardest thing for Barbara was speaking to his parents about his death. They already knew she was up to no good, and now their son was dead. They just knew that she had something to do with it. I felt Dinah's presence in the Delphi area and I turned to face her. She said nothing, and neither did I. Silence was the only sound in the Clocktower, and now it seems too big. It has swallowed us whole. I felt a tear fall from my eyes as I recalled our small battle in the Clocktower, and I saw a box of tissues float towards me. I took one and turned to say my thanks to see that the box didn't have a hand holding it. I saw Dinah walking towards her room. "Thank you." I said to her. She only nodded before she continued up the stairs.
Later that night, I stopped by the Clocktower after sweeps to see how everyone was. Dinah was drawing a sketch of us, but the faces weren't drawn in. Dinah admits she doesn't draw often, but when she does she leaves the faces blank. I asked her why, and she said she doesn't know how to draw very good facial expressions. Well, I looked over her shoulder as she drew our comm sets. "You aren't that bad of a drawer." I murmured to her as a way to start a conversation.
"It's not bad." I heard her agree.
"Hey, where's Barbara?"
"Went for a walk- err..."
"I know what you meant."
"She went to get some fresh air."
"Were those her exact words?"
"In past experiences, 'getting fresh air' usually meant she was going to get shitfaced and then she'll pass out on the couch." I told her. Dinah looked alarmed. "I'll go find her." I reassured the blonde. She nodded and looked back to her paper, then she crumpled it up and stalked away. I knew she was just as frustrated as I was, and I didn't know what to say to her. I took the elevator down to the main floor and allowed my body to change as a part of my power. Then, I was able to follow her sent. Ivory soap with aloe, Doublemint gum, and window cleaner used for the computers. The scent was still in the air, making me shiver with excitement. I kept myself under control. In this frame of mind with my heightened senses, I find it hard sometimes to keep my focus. My other half wants to do... other things. I close my eyes and listen for the whirring of her wheelchair, but I cannot hear it, so I follow the scent I have loved since I was a child. I walked out of the alley and still try to listen for the chair. Nothing. A child lost his mother in the crowded street, then sobs of joy as someone pointed him towards her. I man spoke dirty words to his girlfriend that should wait until they were behind closed doors, and he was rewarded with a giggle from her. No Barbara. I walk for about 20 minutes, taking my time. I feel the scent seem to get a little stronger. Suddenly, it swerves towards the door to my right. I look up at a sign that said Charlie's. It was some bar that I never went to drink at, but I walk by it all the time. I had always thought of going inside for a cold one, but the Clocktower was never too far from it, so I would drop in there instead and get drunk off of the scent of Barbara.
I opened the door and her scent is strong, only I scented alcohol all over her as well. Mostly tequila. No Barbara... I think to myself. I walk slowly in and feel eyes on me as I spot her. I walk slower still until I am about 6 or 7 feet away from her. I couldn't seem to move any closer than that. "Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to join me?" Barbara asks, slowly turning to look at me. Changing my eyes back, I swallow the 40-ton brick in my throat and sit in the chair across from her. "I don't want to talk about anything, but if you want, I will buy you a vodka rocks and you can keep me company." She said, looking down at her drink.
"Fine." I said softly. Barbara ordered the drink and 5 minutes later, I was sipping on the drink in front of me. Mostly I just swirled the contents of the glass in nervousness.
"You've been avoiding me. It sort of hurts." She slurred.
"Sorry." Was all I could think to say to her.
"I don't blame you for what happened."
"Thought you didn't want to talk about it." I shot at her.
"I lied." She retorted.
"Can we not talk about it here then?" I asked, feeling eyes on us as our voices started to rise.
"Where else can we talk about it? Over his grave?" She saw the pained look I had and shook her head. "I'm sorry." I said nothing. "Look, you aren't to blame, okay?" I nodded, but I knew better. "The thing is, it started to get weird. This whole almost perfect, almost normal family we were starting to create was making me want the old days when we didn't know what was going to happen. If the crime-fighting world was messed up, things between us were fine; if things between us were weird, the crime world was fine. We never knew what was going to happen, but we took life by the reins and tried not to fall off of the bull."
"You're philosophical when you're drunk." I said sarcastically.
"You hated Wade, didn't you?"
"No I didn't."
"You didn't like him. At least you didn't like him living in the Clocktower."
"I had my own apartment to go to if I hated it so much. I would have gone there."
"But you never did. Because you wanted to be there."
"Yeah, I guess." I said, not sure where she was going with this. She looked down at her empty glass, and I could tell she was considering ordering another. She said nothing. I stayed in silence as I finished off the vodka.
"You want another?"
"No thank you."
"The truth is, Helena... I do not think we were going to last much after that, I mean, he hated the whole Oracle thing at first... and he never looked at me that way, you know?"
"The way you do."
"What are you talking about, Gordon?"
"I noticed it when you first moved into the Clocktower. Even when you were mad at me and wanted to destroy things, you were still looking at me that way. In your eyes... You have such beautiful eyes... " Was she hitting on me? "You look at me as if you've never seen me before, and I am the most beautiful thing you've ever seen." I closed my eyes for a split second as she slowly touched my cheek, then her touch moved to my untidy bangs.
"You're drunk and lonely Barbara. Let me get you back to the Clocktower so you can take a nap." I said, moving away reluctantly.
"Almost had you purring like the kitten I know you can be sometimes," she murmured. I stood up and walked to the bartender.
"How much does the redhead owe you?"
"Uh, $12.35," he said.
"Keep the change." I said, giving him a 20. I walked back to Barbara and she wheeled away from me and out of the door. I walked behind her, smelling her in. After a while, she looked back at me.
"Walk by my side. It freaks me out when you walk behind me like that." She said. I caught up with her quickly and we walked in silence. When we got to the Clocktower, I stopped and pushed all the buttons and let her get on, but I couldn't. "Aren't you coming up?"
"No. I'll see you tomorrow. Tell Dinah I said I'll walk her home from school tomorrow and we'll train together." I couldn't look at Barbara at that moment. She had a look of disappointment, as if she wanted me there, but I couldn't... I had to leave. I had to get away from there before I did something I regretted. My meta half screamed for me to walk into the elevator, to kiss her, to touch her, to taste her, to- But I fought it off, as hard as it was. I patted her hand before the door closed, and I jumped away.
I don't know how long I was roof jumping before I decided to go to my apartment. I was still fighting my other half, the horny Meta freak inside me. I knew I could go and get anyone I wanted and within minutes be done with them, but I didn't want anyone but her. I wanted only her. I slowly unlocked my door and stepped inside. It was totally dark. Exactly the way I liked things. "Shit, forgot to close the window again." I muttered as I started to walk into my room. Suddenly, I noticed I wasn't alone in the apartment, I smelled who it was immediately.
"Was it something I said?" It was Barbara.
"No Barbara, it wasn't." I said. Get out of here before I lose control. I thought to her. She didn't move, or at least the shadow in the corner of my living room didn't move. "How'd you- you know what? Never mind. I'm sure it's a Batgirl thing."
"No, it's a Barbara thing. You gave me a spare key when you first moved in... In case you forgot yours or lost it somewhere."
"Yeah, that's right. That happened a while ago. I forgot about that." I murmured. It went silent.
"Helena, come here." Barbara softly demanded.
"Okay." I resigned, tired of arguing for once in my life. I did as I was told and walked closer to her.
"I told you Wade was never going to come between us."
"I told you I was fine with it, Barbara. I wasn't just hypnotized when I said that." I said. She grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to her, and I had to put my hands on the arms on her chair so I wouldn't fall on her. She slowly put her fingers through my hair, and both of her hands on the back of my neck and pulled me closer. Our lips met and I didn't know what to do. I tried to say that we shouldn't do this, that she was my guardian and all that, but all that came out was a low soft moan... and I kissed her back. I slowly broke away, and I felt the shift in my whole body. Ah, MUCH better. I could sense her arousal. I could feel it, I could smell it... a smell so strong I could almost taste it. I knew that Barbara felt my whole body change.
"Take me-" I didn't let her finish before I had one arm under her knees and another arm around her waist, carrying her to my room. With every article of clothing that was taken off and strewn to the floor, with every kiss and touch and scratch down my back that I felt, my mind screamed how wrong it was... But with every moan, every climax, every 'I love you Helena', my heart screamed how right it was. For the first time in a long time I listened to my heart more than I listened to my meta half or my mind or any other body part... I listened, as her breathing got heavier. I listened to my name escaping her lips with pleasure dripping from each syllable. I listened to the intake of air I take as she tears more skin in my back. I listen to the springs on the bed. I listen to her voice telling me where to please her next...
This was new to me. Normally, I am the type to screw and run, but seeing as this was my apartment, I had nowhere to go. The truth is, I didn't want to go anywhere even if we had gone somewhere else last night. I just didn't know what Barbara will say when she awakes to see she is naked in my apartment, in my room, in my bed... with me also naked in my room, in my apartment, in my bed next to her. I felt her wake up and my body stiffened. I closed my eyes and waited for her to ask me why she's there. It doesn't come. Instead, I feel a kiss on the corner of my lips. I open my eyes and kiss her back. "I meant everything I said last night." She whispered to me. I smiled mischievously.
"Even the 'Faster, faster Helena!?'" I asked.
"Mmm, especially that." I laughed before her lips claimed mine and after a few minutes she was screaming that again, and meaning it.
It was sort of a hard thing to talk about with Dinah later that day, but we told her (not in detail) what had sorta happened the night before and what it meant for all of us. Dinah told me that she had started to see the school therapist, but she only says how she feels, not why she feels that way. (You know, she's express that she is angry and confused, but she refused to tell the counselor what made her feel that way. She asked her remedies to help these feelings, and the counselor helped in any way she could. I think that was wise of Dinah to do.) Barbara said that it is probably better that she did talk to someone. We are cleaning up the effects of the battle in the Clocktower, but things will never go back to the way it was. In some ways I will miss those ways, in others I think I will be glad they are gone now.
Return to Bird of Prey Fiction
Return to Main Page