DISCLAIMER: I don't own Star Trek or Xena and quite frankly I wouldn't have anywhere to put them if I did. This story, if you can call it such, hints at relationships between a man and a woman <shocking> and between two women <oh my> so I thought I'd best disclaim both to be fair. Even though there's not really enough to disclaim, but I digress. This is just what happens when the new series of XWP starts and I'm left with free time to bash out words on my laptop...okay that's it for now.

Holo-novel hiccup
By ralst

The sun was setting to the East as Gabrielle carefully made her way towards her shorter companion. "Xena, it's time to go." The warrior woman merely grunted an inarticulate reply, before pulling the blanket more firmly around her athletic body. It was the third time Gabrielle had tried to awaken her, the decision to attack the fortress at night, meaning they'd slept through the day. Or at least that had been the plan. Xena had laid down besides her friend just as the sun reached its zenith, but instead of falling into mountfistas' arms, she had been kept awake for hours thinking. The fortress belonged to an old acquaintance of hers, Perdicus, one of the most cantankerous and bloodthirsty warlords she had ever had the misfortune to meet. He also happened to be her uncle.

"This is incorrect." Seven stated, drawing the attention of all those in the holodeck, in particular Tom Paris, whose latest holo-novel they were watching being performed. The sandy-haired helmsman didn't look particularly pleased with the interruption.

"Wait, just wait." He hissed.

Kneeling by Xena's side, Gabrielle gently began to shake her shoulder. "Come on, Xena." The bard was anxious to get going and not in the mood for waiting around. She had some killing to do.

"That is also incorrect." Seven repeated.

"Shhhhhhhhh!" Came Tom's and Harry's voices.

"Five more minutes, Gabby." Xena muttered, falling back into her dream of riding off into the sunset with her fantasy lover, a man who bared a striking resemblance to the famed warrior, Joxer the Mighty.

"Stop!" Seven demanded. The tone of her voice enough to stop the heartbeats of all those in attendance. "This is all wrong."

"What does it matter?" Questioned B'Elanna. The chief engineer would have much preferred to spend her few free hours working on a pet project in engineering, but had been forced to attend this latest holodeck outing by her ex-husband. According to Tom, her attendance would be the only way to prove that she wasn't heartbroken over him and silently pining away. After she'd finished laughing, B'Elanna had agreed to attend, but she didn't have the time to listen to Seven complain about the colour of the sand being wrong, or something equally as banal. "Can we just get on with it?"

Seven gifted the engineer with her own version of a force ten glare, one that nine out of ten consumers said they feared the most. "It is a perversion of history."

"History? It's just something Tom made up after discovering an old comic strip in the database." B'Elanna dismissed, while at the same time taking a step back from those fiery blue eyes.

"Yeah, it's just a bit of fun." Tom agreed, using the opportunity to place his arm around his ex-wife, until she hit him in the stomach with her elbow. "Oooffff."

"Can we just get on with it?" Janeway ordered. She had a date in an hour, so would need the holodeck to replicate her a boyfriend. Seeing Seven about to object yet again, she kicked her young friend in the shin before making a shushing gesture. The ex-Borg decided to comply. She also decided to alter O'Sullivan's programming so that he suffered from a chronic case of impotence.

Eventually Xena began to stir and brilliant blue eyes peeked out from behind long lashes. "Gabrielle?"

"Oh, so you're awake." The battling bard finished putting on her armour and retrieved a cup of soup for her perpetually hungry young friend. "Drink this, then we have to be off."

"Okay." The warrior managed to consume her night-time breakfast and crawl into her leathers in record time. "I guess we can't put off visiting Uncle Perdy for much longer." The grimace that transformed her beautiful face was evidence of her displeasure at the prospect.

In a rare show of affection, Gabrielle placed a comforting hand on Xena's arm, taking it away seconds later when all the mushy stuff got too much for her. "He has to die Xena, you know that."


"Why?" Gabrielle looked at her friend in disgust, wishing for the thousandth time that she'd never been persuaded to accompany the warrior in her journey. "He is responsible for the deaths of hundreds, the defilement of..of..."


"I was gonna say religious shrines and things, but sheep too." Scratching her blonde hair, Gabrielle tried to remember where she'd been in her rant. Talking really wasn't her. "He also killed my lover."

"Which one?"

Gabrielle looked confused for a second before her memory supplied the answer, or rather answers. "There was that tall guy with, like a moustache thing. He ran that tavern we stayed in one time, I think. Then there was Marcus, or was it Marius? The one with the club and large sideburns."


"Could be."

"Computer, end program." Seven shouted. She then proceeded to grasp Tom by his uniform jacket and throw him up against the archway's side. "You P'taq."

"Hey! That's my line." B'Elanna interrupted, the smile on her face relating how much she was enjoying seeing her ex squirm in pain. It hadn't been the most friendly of divorces.

"Seven! Put him down!" Janeway ordered.

"No!" The powerful ex-Borg began pounding Tom's body up against the archway in a bruising rhythm. "He has dishonoured my ancestors."

"Now she's going on about honour." B'Elanna huffed, trying her best to get in Seven's face, without stopping the other woman's Tom bashing. "I'm the Klingon, not you."

"Heeeeeaaaaallllpppppppp!!" Squealed Tom, as he was unceremoniously dropped to form a puddle on the floor.

"Honour is not confined to Klingon's, Lieutenant." Seven addressed the engineer. "We are both descended from noble warriors. The similar passions of our ancestors is probably one of the reasons behind our strong attraction."

"Attraction?" B'Elanna gulped, wishing the others in the room were not suddenly staring at her like a monkey in a cage. She decided a diversionary tactic was called for. "So, what was wrong with the holo-novel? Besides it being boring."

Seven looked at B'Elanna intently, letting her know their previous conversation was not finished, but she would respect her wish to change the subject for the moment. It was a complex look. "In reverse order of importance. Morpheus is the God of sleep, not mountfistas. The Terran sun sets in the West. Xena was not known for her appetite, well at least not for food, she was also the taller of the two. Perdicus was Gabrielle's husband, for a day, and not Xena's uncle. Also Gabrielle was not a..a..a woman of easy virtue."

"Huh?" Tom croaked.

"She only had two lovers during her lifetime." Seven clarified before moving swiftly on. "Although she became more proficient with weaponry, Gabrielle was never a bloodthirsty killer, nor did she wear elaborate armour. Finally, and the most blatant distortion of historical fact and reason, Joxer the Mighty was not a great warrior. He was a slightly bumbling, but strangely endearing friend of the duo, who never inspired an erotic dream in a living soul."

"Is that it?" Janeway asked, hoping she could get them all out in time for Michael to open his holographic pub.

Seven thought for a second. "Xena never called her Gabby, either."

"Big deal." Tom mumbled. "So I got a few things wrong, according to you, what does it matter? Oh, wait I forgot, history."

"We shouldn't disparage the history of other cultures." Chakotay chimed in, finally having grasped what they were talking about and conveniently forgetting all the times Voyager had trampled over other people's culture in their desperate search for a way home, coffee or a quickie with an alien beauty. "Although, this is human culture, so I guess we can disparage all we want." He looked to Kathryn for confirmation but the Captain was too busy trying to slip into her busty barmaid outfit, without anyone noticing.

"So.." Kathryn huffed, slipping the last piece of clothing into place. "Why don't you work with Tom to rectify these little inconsistencies?" She asked Seven.

"I would rather work with Lieutenant Torres." Seven answered, bestowing a rare smile on the engineer.

"Fine." Kathryn agreed, as she slipped her panties off to save time. "Now that's sorted. Get out of my holodeck!"

"But its my program?" Tom whined.

"I hate holo-novels." B'Elanna joined in.

"Out!" Bellowed the Captain.

The rest of the senior staff soon found themselves on the other side of the holodeck doors, the security codes for which had been hastily activated. Looking lost and slightly confused, well normal, Chakotay asked the computer for directions to the bridge and left to follow the flashing lights to his place of work. Harry was about to ask his three companions to join him in the messhall for some dinner and possibly a little inept flirting, but then remembered he had a doomed date to get to with some alien of the week. So he left.

"So, do you two ladies fancy coming back to my place to work on the program?" Tom asked in a smarmy voice, that for some reason he thought was sexy.



"Okay." Scratching his head, Tom tried to think of some other way to turn this latest disaster to his advantage. "When the Captain's finished, we could go back inside and watch the rest of the program, just to find all the tiny little mistakes."

It was the wrong thing to say. "The mistakes were not tiny, nor were they little." Seven stormed, poking him in the chest with a force guaranteed to leave a bruise. "You destroyed one of the greatest love stories in Earth's history."

B'Elanna and Tom exchanged the 'She's totally flipped' eye roll, while trying to reign in their laughter. Both thought it unwise to laugh at an ex-Borg who was showing her first signs of extreme emotion, no matter how irrational she was being. "I think you need to go lay down, Seven." B'Elanna suggested, worried that the ex-drone was suffering from overwork.

"Perhaps you are correct Lieutenant." Seven agreed, turning her back to Tom and moving closer to B'Elanna she purred. "Would you like to join me?"

"Wha?" B'Elanna's face went red. "I.." She gulped. "Did you?" Another gulp. "Together?" Her knees began to tremble. "Okay." Taking Seven's hand, B'Elanna led her swiftly towards the turbolift and her quarters.

"Hey! What about me?" Tom demanded.

"You've got to be joking." Seven called over her shoulder, before entering the turbolift and pushing the half Klingon up against the wall to share their first kiss.....

The End??

No holograms were emasculated in the production of this fan fiction, however one did need a severe overhaul after the Captain was through with him.

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