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Interviews with a Potential Lover
The single, solitary chair stood in the middle of the messhall, all other furniture having been secreted away in one of the never mentioned cargo bays. A bright light had been positioned to blaze down at whomever occupied the chair, and a second light had been placed behind the interviewer, to obscure her features.
Let the interviews begin.
Captain Kathryn Janeway strode into the messhall and arrogantly straddled the chair, her eyes fixed firmly on the shadowed figure before her. "I'm here."
"So I can see." The calm voice was even smoother than normal, its tone bordering on insubordination. "Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
Kathryn sighed, as if it was the most obvious and troublesome question she'd ever faced. "My name is Kathryn Janeway and I'm the captain of this vessel," her voice descended into utter boredom. "Do we really need to go through this charade, Seven? Can't you just pick..."
"Tell me something I don't know about you," Seven interrupted, her voice almost a whisper, "something private."
Neelix began fidgeting the moment he sat down. First he started to worry at the edges of his purple shirt, then he began squirming further forward in his chair and biting the top layer of skin off his index finger.
"Are you comfortable?"
"What?" He squinted in an attempt to discern some feeling behind the words. "Yes, yes, of course, Seven." Her face remained nothing more than a mask of darkness, causing his hands to tingle with perspiration.
"Tell me something about yourself, something I don't know."
He wiped his hands against his trouser leg as unobtrusively as possible. "Well, when I was four I discovered this wart like object on my..."
"... something I don't know."
Harry's eyes lit up with enthusiasm. "Did I ever tell you about the time I won my school's cross country race? It was amazing! All my family were there, well except my grandmother on my mother's side and she only missed it because her shuttle from Mars was delayed by an ion storm. Luckily my dad took a holo-vid of the whole thing, so she got to watch it with us later."
"I meant," Seven interrupted, "something personal. Something you hold dear to your heart."
"To my heart?" Chakotay was confused. He'd thought he was being interviewed for the post of Seven's lover. He didn't see what secrets and his heart had to do with it. "Don't you want to see my pecs?"
Seven's silhouette didn't move but anyone who knew her could have foreseen the raised eyebrow she was directing at the commander. "The physical attributes section of the interview will come later."
Chakotay smiled. He'd been working on his upper body strength for weeks in preparation and thought he'd finally mastered the Schwartzneggar look. His body was practically an oak. "My six-pack is really something to see."
Seven coughed. "Have you had much experience with women?"
Harry turned a bright shade of red.
Neelix turned a dreamy eye on the ceiling.
Kathryn snorted. "What do you think?"
"Is that a serious question?" Tom wanted to know. "Because if it is I could probably show you a few home movies that would calm your fears on that score." He leaned forward. "Tiger-man. That's what they call me."
"I was going out with limp-man for two years, when did I get the time to have a real sex life?" B'Elanna demanded. "The nearest I came was having Janeway breath down my neck on an away mission, and quite frankly a little of that woman goes a long way. If you know what I mean."
"Indeed." Seven was amused. "Surely there must have been other offers? You are a very attractive woman, Lieutenant."
B'Elanna's forced annoyance took a nosedive and she couldn't help smiling at the shadowed figure. "Do you really think so?" She could have hit herself for being so coy.
"Monogamy?" Paris sounded almost confused by the concept. "Don't you think that's a little outdated?" He'd give his left testicle for a chance at guiding Seven through the Karma Sutra, but monogamy was going too far. "What if you fancied a threesome? Surely that's okay, even in a monogamous re...relatio," he began to cough, "ship!"
"Monogamy is fine, so long as you realise my true mistress is this ship and everyone who travels within her," Kathryn explained in a regal tone.
"In which case you would have one hundred and fifty-three mistresses. I do not believe that coincides with the definition of monogamy I downloaded from the starfleet database. Perhaps it is something peculiar to starship captains or," Seven lowered her voice, "women with severe mental and caffeine problems."
"I don't do threesomes." B'Elanna crossed her arms and practically dared Seven to contradict her.
Looking over at Harry, Seven decided that his facial colouring could only be described as purple. "Would you like a drink, Ensign?"
"A good strong cup of coffee. That's all you need in the mornings," Kathryn explained. "I don't hold with this 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day' brainwashing. That's just a conspiracy by the corn farmers to take over valuable land from the poor, beleaguered, coffee growers."
"So I should not expect you to surprise me with breakfast-in-alcove," Seven muttered.
"Sure," B'Elanna positively glowed at the image. "Although I have to warn you, I'm not the world's best cook."
"I could do you a lovely leeola root waffle."
Seven relaxed slightly, having come to her last couple of questions. She'd thought Tuvok was suffering from space fatigue when he'd suggested she interview applicants for the post of her lover, but so far it had gone better than she'd expected. It was just a shame Mr Kim had hyperventilated and been forced to pull out of the runnings to suck on a tank of oxygen.
"Do you like children?"
"Sure," Tom smiled, "but I couldn't eat a whole one."
"I am the mother of every person on this ship." Kathryn held her chin aloft and waited for the applause that didn't come.
Seven smirked. "You must have had a busy and exhausting childhood. But at least I know you have plenty of sexual experience."
"I.." Seven gulped. "I meant to ask if you liked children?"
B'Elanna scowled at her. "So then why did you ask me if I could locate a g-spot blindfolded?"
"A slip of the tongue." B'Elanna's eyebrow rose and it was Seven's turn to blush. "Children!"
"Kids are great. I always hoped I'd have at least three." B'Elanna let her eyes dive into the enshrouded figure before her. "And yes, I can."
Seven sucked in a lung-full of air and began spluttering in her shadow.
"Are you all right?" Neelix was quite worried, he'd never seen Seven react that way before. "Do you want me to call the doctor?"
"No." Seven took a giant break. "I am fine." She willed her mind to forget the last two minutes. "You were telling me about your attempt to mate with one of the leeola root plants?"
"Oh yes," he smiled wistfully, "happy days."
"Are there anymore questions?" Kathryn's tone was brisk. "I do have a ship to run."
"No more questions."
"Good." Janeway strode from the room, but before she'd fully exited she called over her shoulder. "I won't be in my quarters until late. Make sure you are naked and fully aroused by the time I get there. I'm a starship captain, I don't have time to waste on foreplay."
"Do you want to see my pecs now?"
"No thank you, Commander, that will be all."
"Oh." Chakotay blinked. "Does that mean I can go?"
"Yes, Commander, you can go." Seven spared the man one final look. "The door is that large object at the end of the room. It will open automatically when you get near."
"Will you be much longer Seven? Only I need to set out the tables for the dinner rush."
"No, Mr Neelix, I shall not be long." She smiled at the fury man. "Thank you for attending."
"Anything else you wanna know, just ask." Tom leered at the shadows. "I have measurements if you're interested."
"Thank you, but no."
"So is that it?" B'Elanna looked half relieved, half disappointed.
"Yes. Thank you for your time Lieutenant, if you'd..." Seven's voice trailed off. "If you'd just complete the tactile section of the interview, we can call it a day."
"Of course," Seven reached behind her and turned off the spot lights. "I could hardly be expected to choose a lover without knowing we are comfortable touching one another."
"Touching?" B'Elanna sounded like a choirboy.
"And kissing." Seven held her breath.
B'Elanna stepped towards the suddenly nervous blonde. "And if we're compatible, touch and kissing wise, what then?"
"A three month trial period and full dental." Seven's words were cut off by an all consuming kiss. Lips danced, tongues caressed and hands did things that weren't in an interviewer's handbook. Finally Seven broke away to catch her breath.
"Well?" B'Elanna purred.
"You've got the job."
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