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Lessons in Defining Emotions: Revenge
Here I am with a smile stretched across my face. I look at him and see an identical smile on his face. He's so friggin' happy he's practically glowing. He looks like he could just float off into space. He has no idea why I really smile though does he. Stupid man, no a child really, a self absorbed child who assumes that because he is happy, because this is what he wants, that he can not see the reality of it at all. Irregardless, just this once his flaws serve my purpose. Me, I'm not really here, I am visiting another place and time in my imagination when I thought I might at last hold true happiness in my hands and then you came along. I was so close, so close to everything I had ever hoped and dreamed of, longed for in the night lying in sweat soaked sheets, wrapped around her body, hearts beating in contented bliss, totally saturated and then you came and everything quickly went to Grethor in a hand basket. I thought my Captain was the one true love of my life and then Oh Kathryn, what happened, I am so sorry but I just couldn't help myself. I thought you were my everything. I didn't think I could possibly love anyone more than you and then she came. Golden hair and blue eyes like a clear summer day, and she, she wasn't afraid to let the world see how she felt about me not like you. It started out as a way to teach you a lesson, to bring you to your senses and then then it became so much more
Am I any less guilty than you are? I guess not, I mean we all wanted more than we should ever have had the audacity to demand, didn't we? Maybe, maybe if we didn't keep so many secrets then maybe this entire mess would never have happened and I wouldn't be well on the road to breaking yet another heart. I mean I won't stay with him I can't but for right now I must. I look at him and shudder. He of course assumes I am overcome with joy at the prospect of feeling his hands on me, feeling his body against me, his lips on mine. It's all I can do not to fall on the ground and laugh myself into oblivion. One night, one drunken night and of all the lousy luck, he had to be the one there to catch me when I fell. He didn't even bat an eyelash before deciding to take advantage of the situation, now then, did he? My knight in shining armor, come to rescue the damsel in distress. P'TaQ!!! Bloody hell, this sucks. Leave it to me to get pregnant on the first go round. God, the sheer horror of it all the only way I will survive my wedding night is to close my eyes and imagine it is her .her hands her lips her silky golden hair ghosting along my skin tickling me so deliciously. Do you know, Kathryn? (Red hair spread across my pillow like blood, strong fingers digging into my back) I gasp silently as the memory flits through my mind. Do you even know who I really wish was standing here next to me today? Or are you more like Tom than I want to realize. Do you think I wish it were you? Or do you know who it is that my heart really belongs to now. Do I? Damn it to hell! where is a red alert when you really need one Oh god this is such a mistake but what else can I do, my child deserves a father, right? And I I now have a way to hold you both at arms length it's better than throwing myself out an airlock I guess well, maybe it is .Damn! What else can I do
But what else can I do .I stand here and watch you speak your wedding vows and bind yourself to him. God, B'Elanna, my beautiful, beautiful B'Elanna. I can't help but feel this is all my fault. If I hadn't insisted we keep our love a secret then maybe this nightmare wouldn't be playing itself out before my eyes. What have I allowed to happen, oh God what have I done. I can still feel you move against me, your bronzed skin glistening with the sweat of our mingled passions. Your hands are so sure and strong on my body playing, moving me with the same deadly grace and skill that you use to wield your B'atleth. In your arms I am not the Captain. I am not the great, the legendary Kathryn Janeway I am only a woman, like any other a woman so much in love. Then how, I wonder could I have been so foolish, so inattentive. How could I have taken so much for granted? Am I really that much of an egotist, such a narcissistic fool? Well, I must be not to have realized that there would be others. Others overjoyed to call you theirs, to shout that joy to the world. My arrogance astounds even me at times. And then she came and the whole thing spiraled out of control. I think at first I did what I did to push you away or maybe it was just my cursed ego again. Look at me Kathryn Janeway the Great conqueror of all she surveys Borg & Klingon alike. I wanted so badly to get even with you at first for betraying me with her. I know you did it just to make me angry, to taunt me and put fear into my heart, the fear that you might really leave me for another. I understand what you did but why Seven? Why seduce her? Why drag her into our very own private little war. Did you find it amusing? You wooed and conquered my protégé right under my nose, leaving me to fume in silence while I was forced to watch her fawn over you constantly and me unable to say a thing about it. Oh, but I got you back didn't I B'Elanna. We Janeways are as well known for our powers of seduction in the bedroom as we are for our military skills on the battlefield. Nothing more fearsome in the galaxy than a Janeway hell bent on righteous vengeance Only now the jokes on me because now here I am standing next to her and there you are standing next to him Bastard! I can feel Seven standing there slightly in front of me as well as I see her though I can hardly see anything with these tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. I can feel the heat of her body, the scent of her skin ..
I can feel the heat of her body next to mine leaking through the mesh of my bio-suit. I can hear her breath, coming harsh against my shoulder, her pulse hammering in my ears. I believe if I turned to look at her I might even see "steam" coming out of her ears. I find that I wish resistance had not been quite so futile where my Captain and mentor is concerned. I did not see Kathryn as being sexual at all in the beginning. I suppose it did not occur to me until I became aware of your feelings, your relationship with her that the Captain was capable of feeling emotion for anything other than her ship. That realization was followed closely by what I can only now define as a feeling of dismay, rage and jealousy and as all humans will recognize with hindsight being what it is that the next logical occurrence of emotion would be of course the desire for vengeance. What I did not understand at that particular time though was that vengeance, while not really being a "dish" that one can consume at all frequently ends up "consuming" the one who desired it. I wished to punish you and Kathryn both B'Elanna you for loving her and her for daring to touch what I had come to view as mine. If you would not be mine alone then neither of us would have you. If only the Borg were not quite so efficient
The continual circle of emotion I experience every waking moment of the day now has prevented me from functioning totally within acceptable parameters. Most of the time I do not know whether to laugh hysterically or cry until I can feel nothing ever again. Being human is an inconvenience of the most annoying kind.
My teeth begin to grind together, the grating noise echoing through the cavern of my mind as my nails dig into my fisted hands. Then there is him. He He will cease to exist. I will assimilate him .He is, as you say "toast". I look at the woman next to me out of the corner of my eye. There is no denying she is beautiful, beautiful and passionate. Her lithe form denying the true strength that lies not only within but without as well. Her hands are always strong and sure on my body bringing me great physical pleasure time and time again. In this she never fails me. However, it is not the same. It is not the same as when you touched me and held me in your arms. With her I am controlled in my passion but with you, with you there is no denying I am as much a human woman as I am Borg. You B'Elanna Torres, you are perfection and when I am with you I never fail to find the perfection within myself. To put it simply, you make me lose control, you make me give myself up and scream out loud in a very un-Borg like way. Then there are the times when you give yourself up to me and I can see all the way into your soul. In such moments I find I do not doubt that there is truly divinity in the universe it can be found within your beating heart, between your quivering thighs, in the passion of your kiss and the taste of your blood upon my lips. No one has ever exposed themselves to me in such a way; no other has ever placed such trust in me. I know what a gift it is when you lie trembling in my arms, totally spent, your breath soft against my neck and you whisper in my ear, "I love you". Will I never know such bliss again? What have I done B'Elanna, what have I done?
Jealousy is the worst of all human emotions, jealousy and the refusal to forgive, to admit that I was wrong. After all, it was my foolish actions which drove you into his arms. I glance at my Captain standing so still beside me and see the same question burning in her eyes, consuming her the way it consumes me. I glance at the woman standing so stiffly beside our arrogant and foolish helmsman and can only ask myself again what have we done, Kathryn, what we have done?
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