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Lessons in Defining Emotions: Joy & Despair
By Artemisrulz


It was a long day in Engineering and I was so looking forward to having some down time. Tonight was the perfect night to crack open that bottle of vintage Jack Daniels Whiskey I had been saving for a special occasion. Tom Paris may have been a total ass in many ways but he did have a certain flair for giving the perfect gift even if he had intended to use it to get me drunk and "take advantage" of the situation. Idiot. Did he really think I would fall for that old ploy?

So why was tonight an occasion to celebrate? Well, for the first time in weeks I could finally relax, let my hair down and not worry about anything I say or do. I may have been Maquis but that doesn't make me an expert on espionage or even a very good liar. As Chakotay always says when I get busted yet again for doing something stupid. "Don't even bother to say a word B'Elanna the truth is written plainly on your face!" You'd think my Klingon side would have at least granted me the ability to appear stoic & mysterious if nothing else but no my father's expressive Latin genes make it impossible for me to be anything but totally obvious about my feelings. Not a good thing when you are juggling two… Well, it doesn't matter anymore. Soon I will be free again. I will finally leave behind all the disappointment, hurt and fear that loving you brought into my life and be able to live my life like I've always wanted to, with the one I truly love and everyone will know. I'll no longer have to hide and sneak about I'll shout my love for you and all the joy you have brought into my life for all to see and hear. Just a few more days and then… "What the hell!" I mumble to myself as I walk into my quarters and detect the faint aroma of Jasmine in the air. Only one person on this ship walks around smelling like flowers, an odd affectation for the most powerful woman in the Delta Quadrant. Somebody up there definitely hates me…

Silently I creep across my own living room and stop outside the bedroom. Oh no, I am definitely not alone. I groan in frustration and whisper a silent farewell to my buddy Jack. Then I paste a smile of delight on my face and step through the doorway into the soft darkness to be greeted by a very naked woman in my bed. I groan inwardly in frustration, while outwardly by body reacts with anticipation and heat flushes my cheeks my pulse speeding up, my heart kicking into hyper drive as a throaty voice purrs, "Hello, gorgeous…Did you miss me?"

Shit! Damn! Oh hell…If Kathryn's back that means…Oh this could be bad…really bad. "What a…wonderful surprise. I thought you would still be planet side for a few more days." I silently kick myself in the ass as I realize that whiny, nervous tone I hate has crept into my voice. An elegant eyebrow arches skyward and blue eyes narrow dangerously. I can feel her examining me, my posture, my expression, the tilt of my head for any sign that something might be amiss. "Noooo." The petite redhead drawls and chills run up and down my spine, "Surprisingly enough, the local magistrate was more than willing to meet most of our demands with little bickering. I believe Seven's Borg implants made him somewhat anxious to wrap things up quickly…So, I was able to return to Voyager early and I thought I would surprise you. I thought you would be happy to see me after a week apart. Is there something else you would rather be doing?"

Gods, what's wrong with the environmental controls! I'm sweating like a pig and yet I'm all cold inside. I'll definitely be running a diagnostic on those systems tomorrow. "Heh, um…er…no Kathryn of course not. I just wasn't expecting you." My body quivers like a dog anticipating a kick from a beloved master as I detect that hint of steel creeping into her voice. 'Oh shit, Torres you better make a move quick before she goes all Captain Janeway on you.' Uh, God there are times when I hate the wimpy human traits in me as much as I do the aggressive Klingon ones. With a concentrated effort of will I pull myself together and step across the space dividing us and crush her against my chest and as our bodies meld together my blood begins to sing and my heart thuds ever more strongly in anticipation of the pleasures of her flesh. "You know I'm always happy to see you, Red…Especially naked, ready and waiting for me in bed…" I say as I flash her the patented Torres devilishly rakish grin and attack her lips with my mouth consuming her, drawing her breath from her in a gasp of passion and ending any further ability on her part to think, much less talk. Score one for those Latin genes! Oh Yeah! I mean, besides who wouldn't jump at the chance to lay the Captain of the Starship Voyager one last time. Certainly not her Chief Engineer. It's no big deal. It doesn't really mean anything. I'll tell her everything afterwards and it will all be fine. Did I mention that self-delusion is one of my more definitive genetic traits???

My body stiffens for a moment as I feel her strong hands slip under my shirt. Her nails skim up my sides, over my ribs and stop under my breasts, her palms lifting and cupping me as her thumbs brush over my nipples. My nostrils flair as the heady scent of her arousal crashes over my senses, invading me, conquering, overwhelming my defenses. "Ohhh…"a low moan escapes my lips and I arch into her embrace as my body responds to a familiar passion, my blood begins to boil and I remember the joy that once sang through my veins when we made love. Now it is something more feral, more rushed with, I think a hint of desperation lying just below the surface. We both know but neither of us will admit that something has changed and while there will always be a great deal of passion, love even in our relationship, the intimacy and tenderness that once was there is gone. I often ask myself why this happened, what brought us to this point but I think we both know…It is not a why or what but a who…

I can feel the smile on her lips as she accepts my surrender and then her mouth abandons mine as she pulls my tunic over my head and tosses it behind me. "Kathryn." I whisper harshly. "I thought we decided not to…" She ignores me as if I hadn't spoken at all. I can feel my chest heaving; my mouth open and panting as she unclasps my bra and lets it slide away. Her hands dig into my shoulders and I can feel the burning heat of her gaze as she stares at my breasts and my nipples tighten even more until the sensation is almost painful. I can see the smile on her face, almost a sneer of contempt that says, "You are mine. You belong to me." I whimper in need, in anticipation and hate myself for the weakness within me but with her I have always been helpless. She commands me much like she commands her ship. She throws back her head and laughs with abandon then tugs open my pants and pushes them downward. I kick off my boots along with the rest of my uniform and now find myself completely exposed, I concede the field. She has won this battle and I surrender to the tidal wave of passions crashing over me and drowning me with desire.

Kathryn pulls me onto my bed and we kneel facing one another now. Her arms encircle my neck and my hands grasp her shoulders as she leans in to capture my lips and our tongues clash seeking desperately to taste one another. She shifts and the mattress tilts my leg sliding between hers as I feel her wetness slide against my own thigh in return. She is so hot, and she smells of life, of power of everything that defines a woman beset by an irresistible desire. I groan into her mouth as our kiss deepens and I feel the familiar need to be possessed by her shove all other thoughts aside. My hands slide down her back, silky skin covering compact muscles. A low growl rumbles through my chest. My fingers continue downwards, grasping her ass and pulling her more snugly against the tense muscles in my thigh. She writhes against me her groan of desire vibrating against my lips. I feel her palm sliding against my stomach, ever downward until fingertips swirl against my hardened clit. "Oh God!" I sob. "Kathryn, Please!" and she enters me, fingers thrusting deeply inside, moving in and out lifting me higher and higher until all I can feel is her moving inside me and my flesh quivering helplessly around her. I close my eyes tightly my head tilting backwards as my lips begin to move away from hers until I feel her free hand tangling in the hair at the nape of my neck and she jerks my head forward crushing our lips together again as she ravishes me mind, body and soul.

My hips press downwards as I grind my clit against her hand, her fingers moving quicker ever more deeply. I am so wet, I can feel the pressure building, the inevitable explosion. "Oh God!" I scream into her mouth. "Oh God, Kathryn!" She swallows my screams, drinking them in, feasting on me like she is starving. For a moment my heart stops and time ceases to exist, it is like death, a sweet, sweet demise that I welcome like an old friend. My back arches away from her lifting my breasts to her mouth and she buries her face there kissing, licking sucking and I scream as I feel myself come and the tension flees my body with a rush of wetness. I am languid warmth, I can not move even as I hear her gasp and moan as she finds her own release. I feel her wetness against me, hot and sticky, the smell of her musk clinging to my nostrils, my inner muscles fluttering around her fingers. "Oh Kathryn," I exhale her name like a prayer and my head falls against her shoulder, my eyes closed as I listen to her breathe, in and out, in and out as her heart beat slows to something approaching its normal rate.

I know what my face looks like, eyes closed my mouth slightly open, breath ghosting gently in and out as our sweat trickles between my breasts dripping down her skin and dampening my sheets. I wear the look of a woman marked and possessed who has been well and truly fucked by her mistress. I am lust and wantonness by definition in this moment, helpless to deny it no matter how badly I may hate it deep down inside. "B'Elanna." She whispers softly and I sigh expecting to hear her say she loves me, will always love me and that we can work things out…be like we used to be and for a moment, for one heartbeat I feel the possibility that maybe…just maybe…and then she stiffens in my arms with a sharp intake of breath and I feel her head turn towards the door. That's when I realize we are no longer alone and that the noise I thought was a small sigh of contentment from the woman clutched so tightly in my arms was actually the pneumatic hiss of the hydraulic door sliding open. Oh damn! My eyes fly open wide and I bolt upright scrambling to pull the sheets around my body, knowing it's no use, knowing I can't hide from her…my betrayal is all too obvious. Shit! Shit! Oh Shit! This can not be happening. I feel Kathryn move quickly to stand by the bed, still naked as though she hasn't a care in the world. How can she possibly be so calm when I am sure I am going to die right here, right now. Cold, I am suddenly cold and a knife forged of ice, cold, cold ice rips its way up from deep down in my gut and I know I'm bleeding to death inside as my once flushed face goes suddenly white with fear. I can't breathe, Oh Kahless! Oh Seven I scream in my head but all that escapes my mouth is an inelegant squeak! "Seven…" I reach for her as I fall to my hands and knees on the bed, reaching, pleading, imploring with my eyes. "Seven, no…It's not…Oh God! Seven please…" but you just stand there and stare at me with accusing, blue eyes a grimace of horror, of disbelief on your face and I watch as the warm, loving, gentle soul I have come to know and care for transforms and then you are Borg. Distant, unfeeling…staring at me as if I am some new alien life form unworthy of assimilation. Your hands clenched into fists by your side you pivot on a heel and you are gone, without a word spoken. Then I look up into your face and I know, I know…Oh God Kathryn how could you be so cruel? You knew about Seven and I. It is suddenly so clear. You knew what I wanted to discuss with you when you returned from the away mission, you knew. You pull your sweater over your head and look at me your lips curled into a sneer, voice dripping with disdain you say. "Don't look so surprised B'Elanna. Did you take me for a fool? I know you too well, even better than you know yourself and I'll be damned if I'll let you make a fool of me." And then you are gone and all I am left with is the sound of my world crashing down around my ears and the faint scent of Jasmine in the air.

That's when I know for sure that I've been had. You planned this. This is my punishment for crossing you, for stepping over the line. If you can not have me then neither can she. Oh God, what have I done. I am numb and all around me swirls darkness, a black abyss sucking the life from me. And in this moment I know what it means to have no hope, no light in your life, I have tumbled from the heights of physical ecstasy to the depths of emotional despair in the blink of an eye. Without her I don't even want to live or to feel ever again. How do I always manage to fuck up every good thing that comes into my life. How can I be so weak…so pathetic. Damn it!!! What am I going to do???

The End

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