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I learnt a long time ago, that you can be alone, but not lonely. Worse is, to be not alone, but lonely. Sometimes I don't even know, which one is actually the accurate description for my situation.
When I am sitting in the mess-hall, surrounded by the people I can call friends, colleagues or something in between, I feel as if I am all alone, although I am not. They are chatting amicably, exchanging the latest gossip, laughing, eating, of course. They are including me in their activities and I do nothing but smile and respond in the way they expect me to. They would never think, that I might feel uncomfortable, displaced or lonely. But I do.
But this is nothing compared to the feeling she induces in me. I need just one look into her eyes and the world around me fades away. One smile and I feel as if I am a whole world in myself, or maybe she is my world.
I try to think of it in that way: she is my world and I am hers. But then she is not. As soon as she turns her eyes away from me, it is my world that fades away.
And why should it be like anything else?
It has been four years since we first met. A lot has happened in that time. But one thing never happened. We never got to know each other. Instead we fought each other. I challenged her, she challenged me. That seemed to be the only way we were able to communicate with each other.
That changed when I first looked into her eyes. Those beautiful, curious, intelligent, smiling, loving eyes. I looked into her very soul and saw who she really was behind her walls.
It was the same first time, when I let her look into my eyes, to show her, who I really am - behind my walls.
I thought of many ways to approach her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to tell her that I actually liked her and that I wished for us to be more than mere antagonists, colleagues, crewmates, whatever
There is no description, no word, that would fit us, our weird relationship, what we are.
However, as is obvious, I never was able to make the final step in her direction, to tell her how I felt, still feel. There have been moments, some chances, a second in which we recognized each other, where we were able to see behind the walls, right through the other or maybe directly in her heart.
But I let those moments pass. I never said a word. I never acted on such an impulse. I kept my mouth shut, the walls up, my eyes closed.
And now I am yearning longing for what I will never have. The chances are gone.
We are living in two different worlds.
Worlds apart from each other.
I'm left in my world, alone and lonely, longing to tell her, to touch her, to kiss her to look into her eyes and recognize her, even if it is just for a second or two.
But it will be enough. It has to be, because I won't get more. One second or two, without being lonely, but being loved and cherished and her entire world.
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