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Looking Back on Last Christmas

It's Christmas and you're all I can think about. I sit on the window ledge looking out at the stars, but I don't really see them. I'm too lost in thought, I'm thinking of you.

I'm thinking of how it feels when I see you smile. I love it when you smile, did I ever tell you that? It's not something many people can make you do, I am one of the few. It lights up my life when you do it.

This time last year I was holding you in my arms. We were sitting reading something I don't remember what, but I do remember I was laying on the couch and you where between my legs leaning back against my chest. I had one hand around your waist and the other was playing with your hair. You were reading not so much to me but just out load. It felt like heaven having you in my arms.

We shared our first kiss last Christmas do you remember? I do, it was magic. I remember we were at a party, as usual we'd had a few drinks and a good time with our friends, but you seemed different some how, I'm not sure what it was and I'm still not sure to this day, what ever it was it brought you out of yourself that night.

After you'd drank too much you sat down in a corner on your own. People came and talked to you but you didn't seem interested. Not that they could tell, but I could, I know you well enough to know when you're bored.

I was dancing, something I'm known for doing a lot of when I have a drink or two, but hay it was Christmas and this night was about having fun. After a while you looked over at me and smiled. I don't know what it was but I felt the need to come over to you at that point and see what was going on.

I sat down next to you and smiled, you smiled back and hugged me. We always hugged each other it was not big deal but this time you pulled and looked at me and it was a look I'd never seen before in your eyes.

This is not to say I hadn't seen this look before, I had, I'd seen it from too may people in my time, it was a look that was a mix between passion and longing. God it was a look that usual mad me run and to this day it still does. I had to think someone could want me so much, probably because I always think they will end up hurting me. Seeing this look from you did make me run though and just looked but in to those lovely blue eyes of yours.

The next thing you did took me by surprise. You lean forward and placed your hand on my cheek, then your lips lightly brushed against mine, softly at first but then with more passion. After a few seconds I pulled back, I was scared I didn't know what to do. I tried to stand and you pulled me back. Looking me in the eye you told me you loved me and that you had always loved me.

I got more scared so I stood and walked away. Knowing I couldn't stay there in the same room as you I left and headed for home. I didn't make it far before you caught up with me. Pinning me to a wall and kissing me you once again told me you loved me.

Oh yes I nearly forgot the night of our first kiss was also the first night we made love. It's all a happy blur in my head what happened but I remember the two of us smiled and giggled all night and constantly confessed our love.

The next day I woke next to you. I was terrified that you wouldn't feel the same way as you had the night before, so I tried to sneak out of bed before you noticed but as soon as I moved I felt your arms pulling me close. I turn to look at you, you said you loved me and smiled holding me close to you.

I don't think I've ever had a more perfect moment in my life. It was as though time had stopped. I felt true happiness for the first time in my life. I was sure I was crying or smiling, but I didn't care from that moment on nothing could upset me. I had you and nothing else mattered, all what meant anything to me was you. You were my world and the reason my heart sang. I thought it would never end.

Sure enough though two mouths later you ended things. I don't remember how you did it and I don't want to. It hurt more then any pain I had ever known, it was as though the world its self had ended. I felt as though you took my heart, for even now it feels as though it is not beating inside my chest, it just doesn't have reason with out you.

For months I was a mess nothing or no one could bring me back to my former self. If truth be told I did care, I did want to be me again, but not with out you. It just wasn't the same.

Every time I thought I was over you I would be given a small reminder of you and It sent me back to square one.

I got involved with someone else for a short time and it helped. We were happy and things went well, but after a while I started to make a list of reason why I shouldn't stay in the relationship and number one was always that I still loved you. No one could compare to you. You were my world, my angle from heaven its self.

Not a year later I sit here and wonder if you still think of me. If you still remember the time we had together, or if you even still have my heart that I lost the day you left.

I look at the door and think about leaving to attend the party. Then standing I head for the door, I walk to the party. Once inside I am greeted but many of my friend wishing me a happy Christmas. I smile back wishing them the same.

I take a look around the room, everyone seems happy and to be having fun. I turn and find you standing beside me. Before I could say a word you speak, "I love you and god I miss you so much."

And that's it, that's all I need to I pull you to me and softly kiss you, "I still love you too", I say as I pull back.

We smile at one another and I start to feel my heart singing again. You run your figures across my back then lean in to whisper, "Merry Christmas B'Elanna."

Smiling back at you I reply, "Merry Christmas Seven."

The End

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