DISCLAIMER: Star Trek Voyager and all its characters are the property of Paramount. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh great warrior Captain, would you let this pathetic VJB Lieutenant; the glorious honour of writing a sequel to Messages? Yours in grovelling humbleness Michael. Competition time! This sequel has Latin and Greek phraseology & homage's to Queen, Douglas Adams & Doctor Who dotted in it. Can you find them? Michael
DEDICATION: To the lovely Captain Ralst, who let me play with her baby! Thanks Rach! Xx
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
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CUE VOICE OF MAJEL BARRETT – RODDENBERRY:
PREVIOUSLY ON STAR TREK VOYAGER:
FROM: Seven of Nine
TO: Kathryn
CC: Tom Paris; Doctor; Tuvok; Harry Kim
All,
On my return from a recent business trip Miral Torres-Paris presented me with a collection of drawings she had created for me in pre-school. Her form lacks discipline and she has yet to learn the importance of staying within the lines, but in my opinion she shows signs of true artistic genius. On closer inspection I noticed that the paper used for her drawings - she is experimenting with primitive forms of artistry - was the reverse of several text based messages between yourselves.
B'Elanna and I have since read these messages in full - including those not sent to Tom but available via the judicial use of Borg encryption codes and engineering know-how - and come to the conclusion that you have breached not only our security but also our trust. I realise that having hacked into all your communications over the last six months to come to this conclusion may have rendered some of our indignation moot, but I would still like to express my disdain at your 'sticky beaking'.
However, I can confirm that B'Elanna and I are having copious amounts of non-reproductive sex, and that we plan to be married as soon as Kathryn returns to Earth and is therefore able to conduct the service.
Seven of Nine (and B'Elanna Torres)
P.S. Tom, the hotel B'Elanna and I stay in was the perfect romantic getaway and I would therefore recommend it if your plan is to seduce Kathryn and engage in non-reproductive sex.
P.P.S. Kathryn, B'Elanna has informed me that Tom is a more than adequate lover - although he does not compare to me and my Borg attachments – and would make an excellent husband for you now that he is no longer a member of your crew or Starfleet.
P.P.P.S. Tuvok, you should never lie about the eyebrow code.
AND NOW THE CONCLUSION...
FROM: Captain Isis Morris, Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 - F
TO: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001
CC: Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime of Bad Bedside Manners, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness; University of the United Federation of Planets
Admiral,
I regret to inform you that the condition of Commander Chuckles, I mean Chakotay, has taken a turn for the worse.
Yesterday at 16.00hrs Ship's Time, the smeger escaped from his padded quarters. Dressed only in what can be described as a translucent tutu; and a flashing neon jock strap!
He then proceeded to serenade the crew in the main lounge/mess area. During the course of this 'croon,' he scared the life out of Chief Leola Root Officer Neelix, who is just recovering from a bout of 'Male Middle Aged, Balding and Greying with Beer Gut Syndrome,' making him believe that Kes had come back to him.
Our onboard Emergency Brain Care Hologram; Gag Halfrunt has deduced that Chakotay is suffering from a rare condition known only as Space Wob-Wob, which can be only cured by him confronting his ancestral childhood demons and putting down some roots.
Starfleet has cut short our tour of the Maplin Holiday System, and ordered us back to the Alpha Quadrant, so that the Commander can undergo treatment immediately.
Isis Morris, Captain USS Ardent
FROM: Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime for the Department of Bad Bedside Manors
TO: Captain Isis Morris, Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 - F
CC: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001 Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness; University of the United Federation of Planets.
Don't believe a word Halfrunt says. He is a quack!
Doc Zimmerman
FROM: Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness; University of the United Federation of Planets.
TO: Captain Isis Morris, Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 - F
CC: Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime for the Department of Bad Bedside Manors, Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001
I concur with Dr Zimmerman's prognosis.
Dr Halfunt is a quack.
I recommend that the former Commander be transferred to the Vulcan School of Psychiatric Problems, Caused by Decades of Emotional Suppression, for immediate treatment.
Tuvok
FROM: Chakotay, Saviour of Seven of Nine
TO: Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Head of Caffeine Procurement Division; Sol III; Sector 001, Thomas Eugene Paris; Commissioner, Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
Kathryn, Tom,
I have just discovered, that there is a massive conspiracy headed by the EMH, Tuvok and B'Elanna no-less to keep Seven away from me. The plot goes so deep within Starfleet that even my new Commanding Officer Captain Isis Morris is in its clutches.
She relived me of duty, on trumped up medical grounds. Apparently I have a psychosis and until it has been treated; I am prohibited from performing my duties.
It's all a big ruse, from stopping me from finding her. I mean everyone knows that I single handidly rescued Seven from the Borg, but the Emergency Brain Care Hologram says that it's a lie, but you know that isn't true don't you Kathy?
Halfunt thinks I don't talk to my ancestors enough! Ha! As if! I could tell him a thing or two.
But I don't have time. Even as we speak, my poor Anni is locked up in some Starfleet Top Security Medical Research Station, where the Doctor is doing goodness knows what to her.
Luckily I have escaped confinement and have stolen a Type 11 shuttle, and have renamed her, The Val Jean II.
With your help comrades, I shall go and find my beloved and hunt down the miscreants that have hurt her.
Chakotay
FROM: Captain Isis Morris; Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 - F
To: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001
CC: Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime for the Department of Bad Bedside Manors, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness; University of the United Federation of Planets
Admiral,
Unfortunately, this year's Starfleet entrant into the Federations Village Half-Wit competition has stolen a Type 11 Shuttle and escaped from the Ardent.
He had help from the confirmed quack, Halfunt, as the Brain Care Specialist, informed us so, continuing, that the only way he was going to get better was off the ship.
Please advise Seven of Nine and B'Elanna Torres to not approach him as he can be as boring as fuck.
Isis Morris; Captain USS Ardent
FROM: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
TO: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001
CC: Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime of Bad Bedside Manners, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets, Thomas Eugene Paris; Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
Hi All,
I thought old Chuckles had been locked up for going wob-wob?
If so, why is he walking down a main street of Bisbigliando City?
He was wearing a Khaki combat Singlet, combat boots and camouflage trousers, whilst his long unkempt greasy hair, was pulled back from his eyes with a sweat band. And here's the strangest part, he had two Type 3 Phaser Riffles over each shoulder and power cells strapped across his torso.
He had a strange look in his eyes, when he looked right through me...
Anyway, I've contacted the local law enforcement agency, and Seven and B'Elanna to watch out, but I've got a feeling it's too late...
Harry
P.S Tom thanks for setting me up with Miss Clarinet 2380, she's a bit of a babe, and I think she's the one.
P.P.S Yes I know I say that every time, but this time feels different.
FROM: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
TO: B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble, Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
Hi Ladies,
Watch out Chuckles is about!
Harry
FROM: B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble,
TO: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
CC: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
He will only have to look at my muSHa' and I will see to it that he will personally meet with his ancestors.
B'Elanna
FROM: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
TO: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
CC: B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
B'Elanna will do no such thing!
As she well knows, a carefully choreographed plan has been devised, to recapture my former boyfriend (and I mean boyfriend in the loosest sense possible, do you know we never even kissed?), without him causing harm to himself or others.
I consider it would be advantageous, if you inform The Doctor, B'Elanna, Tuvok, Captain Morris and I, if you hear from Chuckles the Commander again.
Seven of Nine
AUTOMATED RESPONSE FROM: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001
TO: Captain Isis Morris; Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 – F, Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime Of Bad Bedside Manors, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets, Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
All,
Admiral Janeway cannot reply to your message, as she is currently vacationing on the Planet Bacchanalia, in the Outer Rim.
The Admiral would like to point out that she is mightily impressed with the length and girth of Tom Paris' Captain Proton's Pocket Rocket, and may give up coffee as a mark of respect.
AUTOMATED RESPONSE FROM: Thomas Eugene Paris; Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
TO: Chakotay; Saviour of Seven of Nine, Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
Cmdr, Harry Kim
Tom Paris cannot reply to your message, as he is currently vacationing on the Planet Bacchanalia, in the Outer Rim.
However he would like to inform you that Kathryn's unusual placement of a copy of The Prime Directive, with in his body, has impressed him so much that he will never return to a holographic simulation of Eccentrica Gallumbits, The Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six.
Thomas Eugene Paris, Commissioner, Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
FROM: Chakotay; Saviour of Seven of Nine
TO: Admiral Kathryn Janeway; Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001, Thomas Eugene Paris; Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
CC: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
Kathryn? Tom?
What's happened to you?
Chakotay
FROM: Chakotay; Saviour of Seven of Nine
TO: Harry Kim, Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now The Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
Hi Harry,
Have you heard from Tom and Kathryn?
I think they have been got at, by the nefarious interests working within Starfleet, to keep my beloved Seven from me.
So it's just up to us, old friend.
I have located Seven on Berman V, and I am planning an immediate rescue mission.
Chakotay
FROM: Chakotay; Saviour of Seven of Nine
TO: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10 the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble,
My dearest Seven,
I know you are frightened and scared, but don't worry, your Chuckles will soon be there! Yet again you will be safe in my manly arms, knowing that I have dealt with all those who have hurt you.
Your Lover and Protector,
Chakotay
FROM: Harry Kim, Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now The Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
TO: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble, B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble,
CC: Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001, Captain Isis Morris; Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 – F, Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime of Bad Bedside Manners, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets, Thomas Eugene Paris, Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative
The Eyebrow has lifted; I repeat the eyebrow has lifted!
Be vigilant
Harry.
FROM: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
TO: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
CC: B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble, Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001, Captain Isis Morris; Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 – F, Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime of Bad Bedside Manners, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets, Thomas Eugene Paris, Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative
Harry,
I presume by the comment: 'The Eyebrow has lifted; I repeat the eyebrow has lifted!' You have informed us that you have been contacted by Cmdr Chakotay.
As the Commander has also contacted me, this makes it the highest probability.
Conversely if it isn't and to use a line from my parmaqqays book of straight talk; what in Gre'Thor's name are you going on about?
Seven
FROM: B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble
TO: Harry Kim; Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now the Federation's Greatest Classical Composer
CC: Professor Seven Hansen-Torres; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, the Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001, Captain Isis Morris; Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 – F, Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman; Officer Prime of Bad Bedside Manners, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets, Thomas Eugene Paris, Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative
Hi Harry,
Thanks for the heads up about Chakotay. Ignore Seven she was a bit testy and anxious about what was going to happen...
Well we managed to recapture Chakotay, but it didn't quite go as planned, and no Harry, I didn't go all Klingon on his ass.
Anyhow, after we got his message, we put our plan into motion, (I must personally thank Lt Cmdr Ayala, Captain Isis Morris and the crew of the USS Ardent for their help).
We stalked Chakotay for three days, without him once discovering us. This was a good example of how far he had fallen, as the old Chakotay would have discovered us tailing him very quickly.
The Ironic thing was, that he was acting that he suspected he was being trailed, as it took him three bloody days of being evasive, to turn up at the condominium we had been using whilst on Berman V.
It was then that things really went strange.
Icheb observed Chakotay break in at 19.00hrs planetary time, and he still hadn't reappeared by 06.00hrs. It was obvious that he was lying in wait for Seven, so it was time to shut the trap.
When we entered the apartment, it was obvious that Chakotay had really lost it. He decided the best way to hide in the room, was to be in disguise. Here was our former Commander dressed up in a brown lycra body suit, with a green wig on, with plastic bananas attached to it, yes that's right, he thinks he's banana tree! The worse was to come when we tried to remove him from the pot he was standing in, he had actually taken root!
Luckily for us Samantha Wildman was at the same conference as us, she took one look at him, and promptly shipped him off to Insero III, where he now lives happily with the Krynoids, Vervoids and Varga plants, a sad end to our once great Commander.
On a happier note, Seven and I are getting married. We have asked Kathryn to officiate, Tom will be my best man, Tuvok will give Soch away and Neelix will do the Catering, the Doc will be taking care of the photos, and we would like you to write a wedding Oratorio for us.
I can hear Soch cooing to me from the bedroom, (I think she wants to play lets hide the trans-warp dildo again), so time to sign off,
Lanna
P.S Talking about bedrooms, Tom/Kathryn, Seven is pleased to know that you are making good use of Bacchanalia!
AUTOMATED RESPONSE FROM: Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Head of Caffeine Procurement Division, Sol III; Sector 001, Thomas Eugene Paris, Commissioner of The Federal Holo-technology Co-Operative.
TO: Chakotay; Saviour of Seven of Nine, Harry Kim, Former Winner of the Oldest Commissioned Ensign Award, now The Federation's Greatest Classical Composer, B'Elanna Torres-Hansen; Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble, Professor Seven Hansen-Torres Joint Chief of Going Faster Than Warp 10, The Bragaian Institute of Advanced Technobabble , Captain Isis Morris, Captain - USS Ardent NCC 69 – F, Doctor Herman David Sigmund Zimmerman, Officer Prime Of Bad Bedside Manors, Tuvok; Professor of Vulcan Smugness, University of the United Federation of Planets.
All,
Oh for the love of the Tribble haired hair-weave, on James Tiberius Kirk's balding pate.
We cannot be reached at this time, as we are currently engaging in non-reproductive copulation, rumpy-pumpy, naked cuddling, swapping juices, getting down with it, going down, getting lucky, getting laid, riding the boloney pony, doing the nasty, loving the nasty bits, making the beast with two backs, horizontal tango, dipping your nip in company ink, humping, boinking, shagging, poke, shnu-shnu, hiding the sausage, chasing beaver, getting jiggy wid it, slipping one in, happy wakeup call, doing laundry, knocking boots, horizontal monkey dance, fornicating, fucking - making love!
Tom and Kathryn
END OF TRANSMITION