DISCLAIMER: Star Trek is the property of Paramount, this story contains another of my mind meltdowns.
AURHOT'S NOTE: Insomnia is obviously divine retribution for having a warped mind.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Hot Monkey Sex
By ralst


The weekly senior staff conference had just come to a close; no alien of the week to worry about and the food hadn't toppled anyone in a while, so it had been a quick meeting; when Seven of Nine decided to address the room.

"What is the definition of hot monkey sex?"

Those people who'd already begun to rise suddenly found themselves back in their seats, a stunned expression on their faces. The one or two lucky ones, who had yet to begin to leave, dropped their jaws and started to drool idiotically.

The Captain was the first to recover, although it did take an extra large gulp of coffee to restart her brain. "What did you say?"

"I wanted to know the definition of hot monkey sex," Seven replied, in her cool and even manner.

As one, the rest of the group turned to Janeway, wondering how she'd handle the situation. It was at times like those that even Chakotay rejoiced at being a mere pleb in the scheme of things.

"It. I. Huh. Ah. Why?" So much for a long line of eloquent captains, where was Picard when you needed him.

Seven's brow rose at the jumble of words but she decided not to mention the Captain's deficiency of speech at that time. "A member of the crew offered to show me the delights of hot monkey sex and before I accept or decline the invitation I wish to know exactly what it entailed."

"You were propositioned?" The doctor paled, a phenomena Seven attributed to a glitch in his portable transmitter.

"Yes." The former drone didn't know whether to be pleased at the room filled with disbelief or insulted. "I receive at least two propositions a week, from various members of the crew and visiting aliens."

"Aren't we Ms Popular," B'Elanna mumbled.

"So, who suggested the hot monkey sex?" Tom asked, his face taking on a blush of excitement that had his fiancé scowling in displeasure.

"I am not at liberty to say."

"Come on, Seven, you can tell us," Tom wheedled.

"If Seven says she's not at liberty to say, then I suggest we respect her decision," Chakotay cut in.

Several gazes locked on the commander and with a few well placed winks and head jerks, it was decided that he was at the top of the suspect list. It made more than one person change their view of the man, from wooden non-action figure to something with a pulse.

"No," Seven added hastily, "it was not Commander Chakotay."

The tattooed man blinked, as if lost in the conversation, before reverting back to an approximation of an oak for the rest of the meeting.

"If you wish to press charges against this individual for lewd conduct, I will need to know his or her name," said Tuvok, his calm manner belying the thirst every Vulcan shared for the latest gossip.

"I have no intention of pressing charges against this person," explained Seven, "I merely wished to have their proposition properly explained. I tried questioning the Federation database but it was only able to furnish me with information relevant to small primates. I tried to correlate that to human physiology but cannot see the connection with an increase in temperature and the further promise of mind blowing orgasms."

"Min..mi...minddd," Harry stuttered, his eyes opening so wide Tom feared he'd have to pop them back in, "bbbl...blo..blo...blowin.."

"Mind blowing orgasms, yes."

"Seven, don't do that to Harry." Kathryn admonished, a patch containing pure caffeine hurriedly attached to her forehead. "I think... I think this is a medical matter. Doctor?"

The group, except for Chakotay who had taken root facing the Captain, turned to look at the chair where the Doctor had been sitting, only to find it empty.

"Where'd he go?" Tom poked the chair next to him, as if that would somehow help produce the missing hologram. "Does this mean I have to explain it to her?" asked the inept medic with far too much glee.

"No!" The group shouted as one, Chakotay managing to drop a leaf in agreement.

"Could someone please tell me what happened to my chief medical officer?" Janeway whined, brushing a stray twig from her hair.

"I think he overloaded his sub-processor," said B'Elanna. "I shouldn't worry, he's probably back in sickbay or cowering in his database."

For the first time in her life, Kathryn Janeway, wished she was a hologram, but even if she couldn't transport herself to a nice safe database somewhere, she could do the next best thing. Totally ignore everything and run for the hills.

"Well, I think that's all for today, dismissed." Jumping from her seat, Kathryn, leapt over one of Chakotay's roots, swerved past a Tuvok eyebrow ballet and was within a foot of the opening door when she was stopped by Seven's overly calm announcement.

"If no-one can provide me with a definition, I suppose I will just have to take up the offer of hot monkey sex to find out for myself. Do you wish a report for the Federation database, Captain?"

"I. I. I." Kathryn fell through the door, a mumbled "make it so" the only sound as she rushed for the turbolift and escape.

"I believe this meeting is adjourned." Tuvok informed the stunned officers. "Will someone please help me uproot Commander Chakotay, he is needed in the hydroponics bay to shade the saplings."

Tuvok, Harry, Tom and his fiancé Neelix, took up their places around Chakotay's trunk, leaving the two remaining members of staff to leave together.

"Okay, Seven, you win," B'Elanna conceded the second they entered the turbolift. "I never thought you'd manage to short out the Doc, fry Harry's brain and scare the shit out of Janeway in one sitting. It was a work of genius."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"So, do you fancy going back to my place for an in-depth explanation of hot monkey sex?"

"Well, I thought your explanation last night was very thorough, but as I now need to write a report for the Captain, I should investigate it at length."

By the next morning Seven had enough information to fill thirty-eight data padds and B'Elanna was wondering if she had enough strength left to mention hot polar bear sex.

The End

Return to Voyager Fiction

Return to Main Page