DISCLAIMER: Bad Girls and its characters are the property of Shed Productions. No profit is being made.
SPOILERS: Missing scene, set after 1.10 'Love Hurts'.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Pour on Water
The girls will be making a noise about this for weeks. To them it's better than the theatre - the sheer emotional melodrama of it, the bursts of flames - it's like a Greek tragedy. When they watch the events in the courtyard, it's almost like they're waiting for her to crack, to wail and scratch at herself and tumble to her knees.
You shouldn't feel like you're on a natural high. You shouldn't. You should not. You shouldn't be anything but sorry for her.
"Are ya satisfied now?"
But she's letting herself into your cell - you expected her to be locking herself into her flat by this time in the evening. Her own personalised cell.
"I said, are ya satisfied, Nikki?"
Your face falls. She's given in to her need to see you and all you can feel is guilt. You push so hard, desperate that she notices you, sees you, acknowledges. You're something that gnaws away at her. Guilt. Lust. Fear. Love.
"No. It isn't enough, Helen," you search her face. "Can't you see that?"
"I jus' don't know anymore "
You watch her take a shaky breath, brush imaginary specks off her trousers, and sit down with her hands still resting on her legs. She doesn't look at you. You figure maybe she's weighing up the costs of this. Entering problem inmate's cell after lock-up: poor form indeed. But it's less troubling if she doesn't have to look at you. She's playing hide-and-seek with herself. Fooling herself into believing she's not sitting on your bed again, not breathing quick nervous breaths. She isn't here, so close to you, if she doesn't look into your face.
She closes her eyes now. "This isn't right."
Then there's a scream. A sing-song yelp in the cells surrounding yours. London's burnin' London's burnin' fetch the engine, fetch the engine. Fire fire! Fire fire .
"Jesus," you mutter. There's more yelling. More singing. Helen flinches and fumbles for her watch.
"Shit, I didn't mean to come back for this long." She's talking more to herself than to you. You decide right then that she's in shock.
"The man's a bastard."
She's having trouble keeping her face composed. "I don't know why I came in here."
The laugh comes out of you before you can stop it.
"Of course. This again."
"Nikki." She stares up at you, pleading for something. Then she drops her eyes again. "I should leave."
"No, please, wait."
You're not sure what you could possibly say to stop her from going. It's a miracle she's even there. She's been publicly humiliated by her fiancé she doesn't have a fiancé anymore. She's on the verge of tears, here with an inmate she clearly can't stand looking at.
"It isn't fair," you snap. "I'm sorry, Helen I know none of this is easy for you right now, but you come in here, you come back I don't know what you want from me."
"I don't want " Helen stands, her body slackening. "I'm goin', ok?"
But she doesn't try to push past you when you go to her. She doesn't turn away or protest or pull rank. She just lets out a heavy breath.
"You came to say goodbye," you say for her. You lower your head to meet her eyes. "Helen, it's ok."
"No, it's not ok, it's "
"Shhhh," you're so close now that you can feel her breath on your skin. Slowly, you kiss her and slowly, carefully, she kisses back. It's like she's certain she'll break something precious if she reciprocates too forcefully.
She's always the one who pulls away, and it's no different this time. But she doesn't look angry or shocked just scared. Helen looks like a scared child, terrified she's breaking an unforgivable rule. You wish you weren't narrowing your eyes.
She looks hurt, and then her expression hardens. She walks out without saying anything else, and you feel worse from your comment then you had ever imagined.
You watch from your window, and see her shape move across your vision and become smaller. You kick yourself for not grabbing hold of her and begging her to stay. But is she really going anywhere? There's melodrama, yes. There's a scandal and there's humiliation. But she's Helen your Helen, no matter what she says. And your Helen's as stubborn as shit.
You stare out the window again, knowing she'll be back. She will come back for you.
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