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It's all so quiet. So still. No noises. No inquiries. Nothing. Only me and my thoughts. Me and my feelings.
I feel left behind. I am. She left me. Not that she wanted.
Why? Why am I still here? Why's she gone? Why not me?
This, the unanswerable question. Always why. And never an answer.
So there's just the silence and my thoughts, rummaging through my head, unstoppable.
I miss her terribly.
When I first saw her, it was as if I recognized her. Some ancient part of me instantly knew that we were born for each other. But I was afraid.
So long I kept hidden.
So long I denied my feelings.
Until that fateful day, when she smiled at me. She never smiled. I thought she was incapable of doing so. But she wasn't. She just hid herself, like me. That was the moment when I realized, that she had recognized me as well.
It was just one innocent smile and I couldn't hide any longer. We've fallen for each other and we kept falling with each other into one another. It was a bliss. Somehow it always has been and it always would have.
But fate decided otherwise.
It took her from me.
She took her from me. With her stupid orders. With her jealousy.
Oh, I've always known it. That she had it bad for her. The longing always showed in her eyes. But she was mine, as I was hers.
One day she again tried to separate us from one another with just another away mission. Seven was sent to gather some much needed dilithium together with Harry. He promised me to look after her, but then it was she, who looked after him. She, who rescued him without hesitating, giving her life for a friend, as he would've done and I, for that matter.
I howled for her to warn StoVoKor. That was the last noise our quarters heard.
And now all is quiet.
When I come home from work, our empty quarters are greeting me. Not her smile. Not her voice. There's still a faint hint of her smell in the air. But it will eventually fade away. And I with it.
There's nothing left for me. I had my revenge. I blamed it all on her and her orders, her jealousy and envy. I think in a way she was even more shocked than I was. Maybe because she lost something, someone, what, or whom, she never possessed. And it was her own fault. She kinda went crazy, turned into a shadow of herself. Now she is not longer the Captain.
I cannot say, that I feel satisfied. 'Cuz I'm still alone. And everything is still quiet. As it will always be.
One day though, I will join her in StoVoKor. Maybe it's sooner than later.
After all, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to bear the quietness.
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