DISCLAIMER: Xena Warrior Princess is the property of Renaissance Pictures and those who now hold the rights to the show.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
The Right Place
By Sparx
Xena and Gabrielle are standing in the middle of an open field.
Gabrielle:
Kiss me Xena. It's been so long since we've made love.
Xena: (Looking around)
I will, my love, but there's something I have to take care of first.
(Looking up) Hey you!
Writer: (Startled)
Me?
Xena:
Yeah you. What do you think you're doing?
Writer:(Blushing)
Well......um...I mean...ah..writing a love scene. It's a really nice love scene. I promise.
Xena:(Looking around and scowling)
Well, there ain't gonna be a love scene until you make a few changes.
Writer:(Getting angry....silly woman)
Hey! I'm the writer here, and I'll write it whatever way I........erp...
Xena has grabbed her chakram, and is getting ready to throw it.
Xena:(With a smirk)
You were saying?
Writer: (Looking for somewhere to hide)
Ah..nothing.....
What's wrong with the scene I wrote?
Xena:(Doing that eyebrow thingy)
Look around. We're in the middle of a field.
Writer:(Still looking for a place to hide)
I know, and it's a lovely field.
Xena:
Yeah, but we can't do it in a field. Someone could see us.
Writer:(Is that a lightbulb? Yep. A little on the dim side, but it's there.)
Ooh, I see your point. Just a sec.
Xena and Gabrielle are standing in the middle of the forest.
Writer:(A little nervously.... Xena is still holding the chakram)
How's that?
Xena:(Frowning)
It's a start.
Writer:
A start?
Xena:(Fingering her chakram)
That's what I said.
(Looking around) Where's Argo?
Writer:
I don't need her for this scene.
Gabrielle:(Rolling her eyes slightly)
Yes you do. Argo is always grazing peacefully somewhere nearby when we make love.
It's a harmony of nature thing. Right Xena.
Xena:(Giving Gabrielle a quick kiss)
That's right, my bard.
You also need a nice grassy glade and a stream. Argo needs somewhere to graze
and she might get thirsty. (This said with a slight smile aimed at Gabrielle)
Writer:
Ok. I can write in Argo but she dosn't really need the glade and the stream.
Xena:(to Gabrielle)
Gods she's dense.
Gabrielle:
(To Xena)
Be nice Xena, she's new at this.
(To the writer)
Argo might be able to get by without it, but I'm not making love on the ground.
Look at all these tree roots. Do you know what that's going to do to my back?
Trust me you need the glade.
(Holding up her hand, as the writer takes a breath to speak)
Don't even think you can leave out the stream. It's been a long
day, and I'm not doing anything until I have a bath.
Writer: (Waiting for a bit, just to be sure Gabrielle is done speaking)
Ok. I get it now. I'll do the glade and the stream.
Xena:(With a strange gleam in her eye)
And fish. The streams gotta have fish. Trout would be nice.
Writer:
Ok. You got it. I'll be right back.
Xena and Gabrielle are standing in a glade, in the middle of the forest.
Agro is grazing peacefully nearby.
A small stream is flowing through the glade.
Trout can be seen swimming in it's depths.
Writer:
How's that?
Gabrielle:
You're getting there.
Writer:(With a resigned sigh)
What now?
Gabrielle:
It needs to be more descriptive. You know, to add to the romance.
Maybe a soft breeze and birds, singing in the trees. That sort of thing.
Oh, and you can't forget, a nice view of the stars.
Writer:(Getting frustrated)
Are you sure you need all that?
Xena: (Damn, that chakram is sharp!)
What Gabrielle wants, Gabrielle gets!
Gabrielle:(to Xena)
That's so sweet. I love you.
Writer: (Gulping. If she's just put that chakram away....)
I see your point. Can I write it in later?
Xena:
Sure, you can do that when you put in the other stuff.
Writer:
Other stuff?
Xena:
Yeah, like our gear for a start. You know saddlebags, clean clothes, scrolls,
sharpening stone....bedrolls..
Writer: (Blushing. Look.....another clue!)
I see your point.
Gabrielle:
Don't forget a nice fire. They're so romantic. Besides, we won't be
able to see what we're doing without one. We'll also need our cooking pots.
I want to make something nice to go with those fish. You should write in some
rabbits too. Xena really likes that rabbit dish I make.
Writer:
I can see the fire, but can't you just eat some fruit or something?
Xena: (Holding up a parchment.....no, we won't ask how she got it.....she has many skills)
This is the love scene you wrote, isn't it?
Writer: (Blushing)
Yes it is.
Xena: (Handing the parchment to Gabrielle, who starts giggling as she begins to read it)
Then you better write in a big meal. We're going to need the energy.
Writer: (Blushing even more, but that lightbulb is starting to gain power)
I'll write it in.
(Mumbling)
This is getting out of hand.
Xena:(Sensitive hearing remember)
There's no help for it really.
Don't worry, by the time I'm done checking the perimeter....
Writer: (Interrupting......forgot about the chakram I guess)
Perimeter? What are you talking about?
Xena: (Leveling a patented, Warrior Princess scowl)
You really are new at this, aren't you?
Gabrielle: (Between giggles)
Told ya.
(Goes back to reading.)
Xena:
How much fan fic have you actually read?
Writer:
Not much really. You see, I'm pretty busy most of the time.
Xena: (Gently taking the scroll from Gabrielle)
I need your help here, sweetheart. This one hasn't got a clue.
Gabrielle: (Looking at the scroll Xena is now holding)
I know, but she does have some good ideas. Did you see paragraph six?
I can't wait to try that.
Xena: (With a raised eyebrow.....paragraph six..... yeah, that was a good one)
Ok. I'll admit, she's got that part down. It's the rest I'm worried about.
I mean, she doesn't even know about checking the perimeter.
Writer: (Meekly)
Could you tell me about this perimeter thing?
Gabrielle:
Every night, Xena has to check and make sure no one has followed us.
It's an ex-warlord thing. It's especially important, if we're in places like this,
where people can come at us from more than one direction.
(With a smirk) We wouldn't want anyone to come along
and spoil the moment, now would we?
Writer: (Blushing)
I see your point.
Xena:
Good. Now, for the rest of the stuff you need to add......
Writer: (Interrupting, yet again. It's her lucky day, Xena must really like paragraph six.)
Rest of the stuff? There's more?
Gabrielle: (With a sigh)
Of course, silly.
Writer:
How much more?
Gabrielle:
Lots. We can't just start right in on the action you know. We have this routine.
Writer.
Routine?
Gabrielle: (With a thoughtful expression)
Look, how about you go and read some more fan fiction?
Then, when you get back, you'll have a better idea of what we do.
Writer:
I can't do that.
Gabrielle:
Why not?
Writer:
It's like I said, I don't really have a lot of time.
I don't even have the time to make all these changes.
(Checking the notes she'd been writing)
If I do everything here, it will run for pages and pages, before it even gets to the good stuff.
I don't have the kind of time it would take to write it properly.
The story will be too long.
I think I'll just have to scrap the whole thing.
Gabrielle:(Getting upset)
Oh, please don't. It's such a lovely story. Xena, do something.
Xena:
Gabrielle if she can't do it, she can't do it.
There's enough stuff out there, losing one story won't hurt us.
Gabrielle: (Tugging gently on Xena's hair, until she can whisper in her ear)
Paragraph six Xena. I really like Paragraph six.
Did I mention paragraph eleven?
Xena: (Raising both eyebrows. She hadn't thought the bard had gotten to paragraph eleven)
Ok, Ok. Just let me think.
(Whispering to Gabrielle)
Paragraph eleven, huh?
Gabrielle: (Still holding Xena's hair and twirling it in her fingers)
Oh yeah!
Xena begins pacing and thinking furiously. After a few minutes, she suddenly stops.
Xena: (To the writer)
You can't write a longer version?
Writer:
Nope. Not enough time. Sorry.
Xena:
What about just a few more lines?
Writer:
I can try, but there's no way I could put all that stuff in.
Xena:
Well, we can't do the story without it.
(Is that a lightbulb over Xena's head?)
I got it.
Gabrielle: (With a hopeful look)
You do? Please tell her.
(In a husky tone)
Tell her now Xena.
Xena: (Grinning wildly. Oh yeah. Paragraph eleven, coming right up)
Come here.
The writer leans close and Xena whispers in her ear.
The writers eyes get really big, and she starts nodding enthusiastically.
Writer: (Grinning hugely)
I can definitely do that. I'll be back in just a minute.
The writer disappears.
Gabrielle:
What did you tell her Xena?
Xena:
Be patient, my love. You'll see.
Xena and Gabrielle are riding Argo towards a small range of hills. It begins to rain. Xena urges Argo into a run. Calling back over her shoulder she said to Gabrielle, "Don't worry, I know a place we can spend the night. I used to go there in my warlord days. There's lots of space for Argo to graze peacefully nearby. There's a spring with plenty of water , we can even have a bath . There's lots of food stored, so we don't have to hunt or cook. There's plenty of wood, we can have a nice romantic fire . It's not very scenic , but it's dry, and the ground is nice and flat for our bedrolls . The best part is, it's so secluded, I won't even have to check the perimeter ."
"Sounds perfect," Gabrielle remarked, "What kind of place is it?"
With a grin, Xena replied, "It's a cave."
Writer: (Smiling)
Well, what do you think?
Xena:
It works for me.
Gabrielle:(Frowning slightly)
A cave? I know we need to keep the lead in brief but....
Xena:
It's the perfect answer. A few drops of rain and we
get to discard our usual routine. That'll save a
few pages right there.The warlord thing is a great
excuse for having it fully set up before we even
get there. That cuts it down even more. Now, we have
a plausible setting that doesn't require any description.
After all, it's just a cave.
Gabrielle: (With a shrug)
I know, but I was hoping for some nice scenery.
Xena: (Giving Gabrielle a hug)
I know, my love. I tried my best, but I couldn't find a way
to save the scenery. The story would have been to long.
Gabrielle: (Resting her head on Xena's chest)
It's Ok. I know you tried.
(Beginning to kiss Xena's chest)
I don't mind. We saved the most important part of the story and that's what matters.
Xena:(groaning softly)
Yeah.
The End