DISCLAIMER: The characters used in this fiction do not belong to me and belong to Shed, unfortunately. This is my first Bad Girls fiction and I hope you enjoy it. The first few parts have dialogue and actions from Episode 11 (also property of Shed) but after a couple of parts I will change the storyline to how I think would be a good way to end Series 6. Anyway I hope you enjoy!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
As It Should Have Been
By Dani
CHAPTER 1
I was so angry with Millie when she'd spoken about being scared and about going to prison, which she wasn't going to anyway. It was self defence, with or without her mum's statement. The lawyer was sure, sure she'd get off and so would Kris. She'd go to court, they'd bring Kris and her mum in, it would be discussed and she'd get out without even a caution. Bringing Kris home with her, so we could be a proper family, Kris, Millie and I. What we'd all dreamed of, except Millie, she dreamt of her and Kris, I was ruining her family picture, she was scared I was going to take Kris away from her, draw them apart, and ruin their sisterly relationship.
When I arrived at work I was pleased, Millie seemed to be coming around to the idea of getting Kris out and I was delighted that we would be able to be a proper family. I loved being with Kris at work, she made that job bearable but I hated not being able to do what I wanted with her for fear of prying eyes. As soon as she was free I resolved to get another job, or go on the intensive development course- either way I had to get out of that shit hole. I only had a tiny insight of what Kris felt, she had to live their 24/7. I felt for her, I really did, and it wasn't even her fault, she'd done nothing to deserve this.
When I found the police by the river I immediately knew Millie was the shapeless dark object in the water, and I ignored the police as they called me back, I had to see if she was dead, if it was really her. But as soon as I saw the coat and bag I knew. I knew she'd jumped, she hadn't been pushed or tripped but she'd jumped. The pressure had gotten too much, she was 15, it was too hard for her and it was my entire fault.
I went straight to Myers' office and told her about Millie's suicide, asking to see Kris- so I could tell her myself. It'd be even worse for her to find out from someone else, especially if it was that bastard Fenner. I downed the drink Myers gave me, knowing I'd need the alcohol to get me through talking to Kris. How the hell could I tell her? She'd be heart broken.
I saw Kris enter the room and Fenner leaving, and my stomach dropped. Couldn't I just stop this now? Kris was going tomorrow, being transferred; I could avoid her until then, take the cowards way out, and get someone else to tell her about Millie. But I owed her this. I was her girlfriend. We'd been through everything together- I couldn't leave her now- when she needs me most. I took a deep breath and stepped in the room, taking my time to shut the door after me, and I heard Myers telling Fenner to piss off. I turned around and Kris jumped out of her seat and came over placing her arms around me. I revelled in the feeling, knowing this could be the last time I ever felt her arms around me.
"What have they done to you?" She paused and I didn't answer. "Tell me"
"I can't…" I whispered, half sobbing. I pushed away from her arms and stood away from her unable to have her sympathy when she was the one needing mine.
"They've found out about us haven't they?" She asked, sounding slightly worried but quickly covering it up. She sighed. "So you get the sack, it was a shit job anyway. It doesn't mean I killed my dad does it?" She asked, pulling my head onto her shoulder and wrapping me in a hug. But if only she knew what I'd done to Millie, she wouldn't be able to run away from me fast enough. "I'll be out soon, we will start again." Yeah, without Millie, I couldn't help thinking. She caught sight of my face and looked panicked, "What? For God's Sake, tell me." And I couldn't keep it in any longer; it was killing me, and her by the looks of it.
"Millie's dead." I blurted it out and she just stared at me, unable to speak, unable to move. Then she screamed, her voice breaking and she collapsed, her hands landing on the table, arms straight, her head down, avoiding my eyes. I sat down on the seat, my legs unable to hold me up anymore.
It all blurred in my head, her screaming and shouting at me. I just sat there, knowing I deserved it, knowing I could have stopped it, if I had never bought Mille here from Canada, Kris' hopes wouldn't have been raised, Millie never been dead.
"How scared must she have been to jump?" She asked, pushing me away from her, but I tried to grab her again.
"If you think I don't blame myself you're wrong, I wish I'd been there, I could have stopped it, but at least I didn't spend years smacking her around like your dad." My voice rose as I finished the sentence, the emotions all too much for me as I shouted at Kris. She pushed me away from her and slammed me into the wall, my cheek pushed into the wall. She let go of me and walked over to the door, I knew Myers was outside listening to every word, I was surprised she hadn't come in yet, but I didn't care, I didn't care about anything if I didn't have Kris. But I wasn't going to let Kris go yet, I followed right behind her. She pressed me against the door, my back against it. My mind flashed back to a couple of months previously, she'd pushed me against the wall, kissing me and I'd responded, our hands searching everywhere on each other desperate for the feel of our bodies together.
"That is why I took the blame in the first place; you stupid, stupid cow. I knew she could not hack it." She slammed her hand into the door with each word, hardly staying upright with the sobs wracking her body. I pushed her off me and pushed her into the wall, pressing my body against hers as her body shook with sobs.
"I'm sorry."
Myers came in and pulled her off me and I leant against the wall,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"It's all over Yates." Myers said and as soon as the sentence came out her mouth Kris looked at me and whispered,
"All over, it's all over." As she was dragged from the room, she still had tears running down her cheeks and I knew she meant me and her, not just this discussion, not just Millie's life, but our lives too.
CHAPTER 2
I went and sat in the garden, needing time alone to think about what to do next. I couldn't just let Kris go like that, I needed her. If we parted on these terms I'd never forgive myself. I went into Myers' office and checked Kris' file, relocation to Brightwell prison at 7.00am the following day. I went to the canteen and went up to her.
"You're sorry right? You will be." She didn't even look at me, she just stared at the floor, unseeing, uncaring.
"This is probably the last chance we'll have to speak, you're on the ghost train tomorrow, 7.00 AM Brightwell. Kris, whatever you think, I'm still fighting for you, we've still got the appeal and Millie's affidavit." I had to convince her not to give up, she had to be strong otherwise when she was transferred they'd take it all out of her. She wouldn't survive alone in prison, with no Millie, with no-one. She didn't need all this with Millie, she needed to keep a strong, clear, level headed mind and get free.
"What's that worth now? She was forced to sign it then topped herself. It holds no water now." She said dryly, torturing us both with her choice of words. I just wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her tears away, make it all better. But I knew I couldn't, I'd lose my job, I might not be able to visit her, and it would ruin her appeal. Not to mention the fact she wouldn't want me anyway. She blamed me for Millie's death.
"You can't give up hope." I tried again, I was aware of people watching us and I fought back tears, Kris' eyes were overfilling and I knew she was still angry with me. I couldn't imagine the hate she must feel towards me, and it was tearing me up inside. Whilst she was in prison, there was no way I'd be able to explain all this properly. We had no chance of reconciliation now.
"I have no hope to give up, and nothing left to live for. So what does it matter?" you have me, I wanted to tell her, you have me. I wanted to shake her, why was she pushing me away, I was here for here, I was here to help her.
"Kris…" I started, not knowing what I was going to say, apart from 'I love you.'
"Get out of my sight Selena." She interrupted, I felt the tears swell up in my eyes as I tried to think of a way to make her okay, to make this whole situation okay.
"I love you." I tried, wanting her to know how I felt, that I'd never leave her. That I hadn't wanted this, that I'd loved Millie like a sister.
"Well I hate you." I felt a tear spill down my cheek and saw one simultaneously slide down her cheek as she bowed her head and I turned on my heel and walked away. I knew if I stayed Kris would end up screaming and shouting, and I'd cry and apologise and tell her how much I loved her.
The next day I was up bright and early and at the prison to watch Kris being taken off. I hadn't had a chance to say a proper goodbye, I just hoped I'd see her again and be able to hold her in arms and kiss her. I rested my head in between the bars, knowing how the prisoners felt, unable to get out and have what they wanted most, how Kris had probably felt for the past year, unable to see me or touch me unless I came to her. I just wished I could rewrite the past 18 months so that Millie had never killed their dad, Kis had never gone to prison, Millie would still be alive and Kris and I would have been together. I saw Fenner come out and I watched him, saying good bye to his 'favourite girl'. It took all my will power not to run out there and kiss her.
I'd given everything up for her, and she didn't want me, she hated me. I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I thought of what Millie had done. She'd ruined it all, I was right, she was a selfish coward. She was dead, and couldn't undo anything she'd done and I wished she was alive, I hated myself for thinking about her like this but she'd destroyed mine and Kris' relationship. I didn't even know if I'd see Kris again. As I watched them snap the handcuffs around her wrists she glanced around and her eyes landed on me, I blew her a kiss and she shook her head turning away from me. I tried to muffle the sobs wracking my body but couldn't, I just watched her climb into the van, and sit down, her small bag of belongings all she had with her in the world. She didn't even have me anymore.
CHAPTER 3
I somehow managed to compose myself and get back to work before anyone missed me. Fenner was all chirpy and Myer's was definitely happier. I went about my normal duties like a ghost, just drifting around, musing on what I'd lost. My thoughts were on Kris, had she arrived yet, would she write, maybe send a visiting order. Or was that the last I'd seen and heard of her. It was at morning tea break that I heard about the car accident-the one Kris had been in. And my heart shattered, I set my features and acted like I didn't care too much. an ambulance had been called, and the bodies hadn't been identified. I just prayed Kris wasn't dead, we'd parted on the worst terms ever and I'd never forgive myself if she was dead. I'd already lost Millie, I couldn't hack losing Kris too. I took an early lunch break and went to the place I thought Kris may go to, if she had escaped. I knew she wouldn't be there, if she had escaped the canal was where people would look first. If she'd gone, she would have gone to stay with a friend, or somewhere she knew she wouldn't be found. There was a second bouquet of flowers, next to the ones I'd put down for millie. The card read;
{Millie, I'll always be thinking of you. Love you forever my baby. Kris xxx}
I sat beside the flowers, buried my head in my arms and cried. I wanted to see Kris and apologise, I'd indirectly killed the only person she ever loved properly, she didn't love me anymore, she hated me. As I stared down at the water, fighting away the images I had of Millie being pulled out of the water. I felt a hand on my shoulders, and I wiped away the tears before turning my head, and staring at the person in front of me.
CHAPTER 4
I didn't recognise him at all; he was tall, with greyish hair and green eyes.
"You okay?" He asked, I shook my head, wasn't it obvious I wasn't okay? I was crying so much my head had started hurting. He removed his hand from my shoulder which I was glad about, I just wanted to be left alone, or left alone with Kris, and seeing as the latter wouldn't happen, I just wanted this man to go. I didn't care what his intentions were unless he had news about Kris or didn't mind pushing me in the water. "Are you Prison Officer Selena Geeson?" He asked. I turned quickly looking into his eyes, wondering who the hell he was. I didn't answer, so he continued, "Because if you are I've got a message for you." He smirked, he knew who I was, he was staring at my chest and I followed the direction of his gaze and saw him staring at my ID badge. I nodded and smiled slightly. I wasn't bothered about the message; no-one I wanted a message from would be able to send one. "Kris Yates says," He paused for effect as I looked up at him so quickly I nearly broke my neck.
"Kris? Is she okay? Where is she?" He smirked again and sat next to me leaning closer,
"She's fine; I can't tell you where she is. But her instructions are phone work and call in sick then meet me, on the Street Corner, in the alleyway in an hour." He stood up and I felt panicked, I had loads to ask him.
"Who am I meeting, you or Kris?"
"Bloody hell, we're not stupid, you'll be meeting me. For all we know your intentions may be to turn Kris in, so you can meet me." I felt a sharp stabbing pain through my heart that Kris didn't trust me, she wouldn't even meet me, we couldn't say goodbye because she thought I'd turn her in. She knew she meant more to me than my job.
'No she doesn't,' a little voice in my mind argued, 'Last she knew you were leaving her to go and do your intensive development course.' Oh shit! What had I done, I had nothing now, I had no Kris, no Millie, my family had abandoned me when they found out I was a lesbian, and my job would most likely be gone by the end of the day, they thought I'd helped Kris escape, Myers knew I was in a relationship with her, and I was going to take the rest of the day off. But why did I need to? I wasn't going to see Kris was I, just that bloke again. I walked back to work via some public toilets and sorted myself out; I couldn't go back to work looking worse than I had when I'd left. I stared at myself in the mirror, and then started crying again. I arrived at work and went straight to see Myers, and asked for the rest of the day off, promising I'd be in tomorrow, after I'd got it out all out my system and had sorted myself out. I still hadn't decided whether I'd meet this man, but I knew I couldn't work in my state.
CHAPTER 5
I got on my moped and drove back home, to the flat. I walked into the house and stood by the front door looking at all the photos of me and Kris around the room, or the places where they had been previously, but now they were all the same, lying face down and smashed. Surely Millie wouldn't do this? I hadn't thought she hated me this much, and we'd been on better terms when I left to go to work that morning. I saw an envelope on the work top, I walked closer and saw there were two, one addressed to Kris one addressed to me. I opened the one addressed to me,
Selena,
I know you don't like me much and I'm sorry for being here for so long. It can't have been fun living with me and looking after me. I'm sorry for putting your relationship with Kris on the line, when she took the blame for me. And I know I'm taking the coward's way out by doing this but its too hard living like this. I don't want to go to prison; I don't want to be away from Kris. If you look in my room in the wardrobe is the knife really used to kill my dad, which should get Kris free. I'm sorry. Love from Millie.
There were splodges on the paper where her tears had smudged the ink. I felt tears slip down my cheeks and I put the letter on the worktop next to Kris' envelope. I looked at it again and saw it was already open; there was no letter in it-which must mean Kris had been here.
I stood up and walked into our bedroom, what had been our bedroom, but for the past year only I had slept in. I saw a suitcase on the bed and clothes strewn everywhere, Kris' clothes, But no Kris. I went through the house checking for her; maybe she'd been here and heard someone, heard me and had run away. I walked into the bathroom and saw her sitting on the toilet seat, a bottle of pills in one hand, Millie's letter in the other hand.
"Kris?" I whispered, standing in the doorway. She looked up at me, her make up had all been cried off, and she had a cut on her cheekbone presumably from when she crashed. I bought my gaze back to the bottle of pills in her hand. "Kris this isn't the way."
"I don't have anything else, at least this way I can be with Millie." I didn't even know if she'd taken the tablets, the bottle lid was on the floor, and the pot was in her hand. I had no idea.
"You have, you've got your appeal coming up, Millie wouldn't have wanted this, she loved you, and I love you." Kris' face crumpled and she dropped the bottle, and pills rolled on the floor, I breathed a sigh of relief.
"What are you doing here anyway? You're meant to be meeting Terry in the alleyway."
"I didn't go; he told me you weren't going to be there so I didn't see the point in going."
"You were meant to go there to give me time to grab my stuff and leg it, or to take the pills."
"Kris you have to go back to Larkhall. You've got the appeal to think of."
"The appeal is bollocks, there's no evidence, and Millie's statement means nothing, not now she's dead. Mum won't testify, there's no hope." she broke down again, "Help me Selena, please, help me." She stood up and threw her arms around me and sobbed, I held her tightly, stroking her hair and her back.
"Kris you have to go back, there's no hope otherwise." She pulled away from me and her eyes searched my face, I don't know what for, but it was comforting to have her back in my arms.
"Okay, I'll hand myself in tomorrow, but first I want you to do one thing for me." She smiled slightly, and placed a hand either side of my head, and kissed me gently on the lips, I pulled back and kissed her on the nose.
"What do you want me to do then?" I asked, slightly nervous about what her answer would be.
"Spend this one last night with me, we'll have the night of our lives, and then tomorrow I'll hand myself in." I watched her mouth as she spoke and as she finished I saw her smile again, pleadingly and I saw the desperation in her eyes. I had to hold her in my arms again. I pulled her into my arms, and we both sobbed. "Please Selena," she asked again "Please?"
"I can't, we can't. The police will be around here soon to search for you, if we're here, we'll both me in the shit, and we'll be separated, and won't see each other."
"It's not impossible, I'll phone Terry, he can book a room in a hotel, in his name so they cant trace it back to you, then I'll go in and then a bit later you can go in. How about it?" I nodded; we both needed this last night together, before Kris was transferred. Kris called Terry and they sorted it all out, and I unpacked all Kris' clothes and sorted out the photos in the lounge. Kris came in announcing that it was all okay, she was going now, and I had to meet her in about half an hour at the hotel.
CHAPTER 6
Half an hour passed slowly, and I sat worrying about Kris running and leaving me again, but I forced myself to believe that she'd meet me. I grabbed a bag and shoved everything I'd need for tonight and for tomorrow in it, I'd go straight from the hotel to work. I walked in to the hotel and asked for Terry's room, and when they told me the room would be empty, that Terry had gone out I nearly burst into tears.
"Did a girl come in for that room too?" I asked holding my breath dreading the response, and the receptionist checked the records and shook her head. I decided to go upstairs anyway and see if there was a note.
As I walked into the room, I was holding my breath, scared that Kris wouldn't be there, but also scared about the consequences if she was. There was a note on the table from Terry,
Selena,
Please look after Kris for me. She needs you. Call me if you need help. Kris has my number.
Terry
He sounded so sure Kris would meet me, or even give me his number. The reality of the situation came crashing down on me; so many things could go wrong. I felt a breeze on my neck as someone lifted my hair off my neck and kissed me, a pair of arms encircling my waist and hands caressing me. Kris took my hands and led me over to the bed, and I kissed her.
I stared down at her lying beneath me, her lips bruised her face flushed, her hair tousled. All a result of me, kissing her so much, unable to believe she was out of prison, not having to look behind me and see who may have been watching. Her hair tousled, from running my hands through it and stroking her hair. Her face flushed from the emotions I'd caused. I was so happy to see her, but couldn't help but wonder where'd we'd both be tomorrow, her in another prison, me sacked. I couldn't believe all that had happened in the last year, I'd been through heartbreak, angriness, sadness, happiness, and many other mixed emotions. I couldn't believe Millie was dead. I felt sorry for her but mostly I felt sorry for Kris, escaping had pretty much ruined her chances of getting out. I couldn't believe herKris; she was so brave yet so stupid, caring and gorgeous. I just didn't want to have to let her go.
The next day we were woken up by knocking on the door and yelling. I went to answer the door, slipping my robe on as I walked, and Kris ran and hid in the on-suite bathroom. I opened the door and was faced with three police men.
"Shit," I muttered, wondering how the hell they'd found us. The police pushed past me into the room asking for a 'Kristen Yates.' I nodded towards the bathroom, knowing it would be easier for both me and Kris to tell the truth. She went and sat on the bed and I sat next to her, holding her hand, feeling it shaking in mine.
CHAPTER 7
"Kristen Yates, we have some news for you. As you know your sister Millie Yates was found dead yesterday in the canal. When we went to your house to search for you, and to find information about her suicide attempt we found this letter addressed to Selena Geeson." He held up a plastic bag with a letter in it. Kris looked at me, questioningly, but I just shrugged my shoulders. "This letter states that you took the blame for Millie killing your father in self defence. We have found evidence to support this, so you are free to go. You will be called to court in a few weeks to testify this, and in the mean time you have been released on bail pending this enquiry." And with this they walked out.
Kris sat staring at me, tears streaming down her cheeks, unable to speak, and I simply smiled at her, wiping the tears off her face and kissing her face. Both of us were unable to believe that we could finally be together, with no-one and nothing to come between us.
The End