DISCLAIMER: I only own the idea, not the characters.
(Nikki POV, kinda dark-a companion piece to Metaphors and Similes)
Silence Is Golden
Quiet is good. Silence is golden.
It has not been quiet inside my head for years now.
I am plagued by voices….whispers of regret and shouts of anger, the smooth talk of longing and desire.
Never silence. I want silence.
Childhood is filled with memories, sounds that make you recall home or family, the town in which you grew, the streets you left behind.
Adulthood is a steady roar, the river churning in your ears…you want it and you hate it. It feeds you and it can drown you. I used to listen to everything.
The talk, the chatter, the music, the glass that clanked on the bar, the clothes rustling by me…it all made it’s mark.
Even kisses make a sound, one you never forget, no matter how old you are…no matter how much you want to forget. Wet skin on more wet skin, warm and inviting.
When I entered hell on earth, I thought I would go mad. My senses were abused in a way no one can ever understand. Like shards of glass, piercing my very soul from the outside, killing me slowly.
There was no silence. I craved silence.
In my box, I could still hear the catcalls and barbs, the cries and the yells, footsteps on metal stairs.
Sleep was filled with ancient sounds, the things I had to live without, leaving me to tears.
My grief was bared alone, yet each sob tore out of me….and I heard it all.
You pretend to shut down. You pretend to feel nothing, see nothing, hear nothing.
You are the three monkeys, all in one, trying to survive, trying to keep from drowning.
I got used to the buzz in my ears and head.
Then I met you. And for a second, I heard nothing.
Your eyes met mine, an endless moment that is too brief. And there was no sound.
I could not even hear my breathing, what had happened? Did you notice?
I think not. It was just me. A moment of peace.
I loved you for so many reasons. You can be caring and compassionate, you can be loving and warm, you have fire in your veins and are determined in anything you do.
But you can be cold and distant, harsh and hidden.
It never mattered to me. You gave me something I thought I would never have, you gave me silence, Helen.
Beautiful and wonderful quiet. And where sound used to arrive, instead I saw images of you…walking, laughing, smiling, talking….I could close my eyes and see you in my mind. The rest of the world just fell away.
You and I. And nothing else.
Silence lulls you, for all it’s merits. It lulled me. I could no longer hear the signs, the warnings…I just lived off of love.
And I didn’t hear it coming. It’s not your fault, not entirely. I traded one pain for another in the end.
I wanted to be deaf to the despair and I wanted your hands to hide the world away.
That was silly and stupid. No one can do that.
Once I entered the world for a second time, it was all different to me. Each thing was something I had missed, at one time or another.
It wasn’t just a vibration anymore, it was a heartbeat, pulsing in me.
Freedom was living. I was living again.
But you were not there with me. And at night, the pain of not having you brought back the noise inside.
If I could have changed one thing in my life, I would have listened to you. I would have committed each word to memory and cherished them.
Then silence would have been ours, not just my dream.
Silence is golden. Silence is you.
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