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Something on Her Mind
Do you know how much I love you? Not love as in merely admire. I mean, do you have any idea of how completely in love with you I am?
No. I don't imagine you do. We don't spend enough time together for you to be aware of it and I am also quite adept at disguising such emotions. I can only imagine what your reaction would be if you did know. For all you know, I'm incapable of such feelings. But you would be wrong. So wrong, for these very feelings threaten to consume me.
I have often stated that love is an inefficient emotion. It distracts humans from their assignments. It hampers their ability to function rationally. I never wanted to experience this condition. I do not enjoy having no control over my emotions. Yet from almost our first encounter, that is precisely what happened.
My last thought before I regenerate is of you, as is the first thought when my cycle is completed and every thought in between. When I see you in the mess hall, I lose all desire to ingest my nutritional supplement and my heart seems to stop beating. I often find myself drawn to Engineering, even knowing you will berate me in front of the crew, just so I can see you and simply because it will force a conversation we rarely share. However, just to be clear, I will allow your insults to go only so far. No matter how I feel about you.
Presently, I find myself sitting across from you in one of the Captain's regular staff meetings. From the second you sat down, my focus was completely destroyed. Even now, while you and the rest of the senior officers assume I am listening intently to the individual status reports, all I am able to think of are deep brown eyes that haunt me constantly.
It is now my turn to give the report for Astrometrics. I stand and move to the display panel to present my findings. I can feel your gaze follow me as I pass by your chair. It takes every nanoprobe I have to keep from looking at you.
It is at times like this that I am almost grateful for the duality of my nature. While my human awareness is almost entirely centered on your beautiful eyes watching me, my Borg nature allows me to present my report on a nearby anomaly as if that was the only thing on my mind.
As I finish my report, I finally allow my eyes to fall to yours briefly. It lasted only a split second but I wonder if you are able to feel it. How much I love you.
The Captain dismisses us, and with something akin to pain, I watch as you leave. Suddenly my breath catches as you turn back and find me looking at you. You give me a curious look, and then I watch mesmerized as the corner of your mouth lifts in a smile. You wink and leave the conference room and I can't help but wonder if my systems would ever function within normal parameters again.
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