By Cirroco DeSade
Oh Kahless, how did this happen?
The timing of the fire fight and then of the explosion was lousy. Lousier because during that time the most wonderful and horrible thing happened. I was there in her arms, feeling the heat of her body, the warmth of her center against my own.
I couldn't have been more shocked than I was when I realized it was real and not one of my fantasies. I tried to quickly hide the effect she had on me. But I know she noticed. I could see her searching my face, wondering.
Damn her. I had begun realizing how I really felt about her a couple of months ago. After I let myself feel it, truly allowed myself to feel the attraction, the feelings took on a life of their own. I noticed everything about her, things I'd never noticed before. I noticed how she smelled for the first time. I sat in the mess hall and observed her when she would glide into the room. The way she walked began to captivate me. I felt like I was becoming obsessed with everything about her.
Does she know how hard it has been to hide this from her? I don't think I have a right to feel the way I do, after the way I've always treated her. I felt guilty ever since I opened my eyes to what was truly there.
I never expected my Klingon side to surface like it has. I realized that all this time, all my anger could be attributed to some primal Klingon urge to test and push a potential mate, to mate with the strongest available. Oh I was disgusted with myself, not to mention a bit scared of her.
Which of course only led to me being angry, and that anger spilled over into another fight. But I heard that sound, knew what might come and threw myself at her, determined to get her to the floor. Her very presence may have been making me crazy, but I knew I couldn't stand to lose her.
It's what happened before I could get a grip on myself and regain my bearings. Oh Kahless, she felt so good under me. And I didn't even think about what I was doing when I ground myself into her. Hell, I don't know if that was some subconscious move of mine, or if I just genuinely had to move that way to steady myself. Somehow I suspect the former, and let me say, I feel like a targh over it.
It's becoming almost uncontrollable. I can't help but be captivated by her every time she and I are in the same room. I try not to show it, and I suspect most people haven't noticed. But Janeway has been looking at me speculatively lately. As for her, well she sees something, and it looks like she's thinking hard about it.
All through today's meeting she stared at me. I could swear I saw her scenting the air like a Klingon might. What is up with me and these Klingon ideas around her? Why has she brought that out in me? I swear, she was looking at me lustfully. And though I tried not to notice, her breathing seemed excited.
But the thing is, I don't know for sure what's in that pretty head of hers any more. She has not been coming to Engineering as much lately, she barely talks to me anymore, and we don't fight anymore. But she does look at me now with a look that makes my body burn with an unquenchable lust.
When the meeting finally ended it was the beginning of Beta shift and the Captain had ordered the entire senior staff to get some rest. I was happy that I could head home. I needed to take very cold shower. Before I had even stepped two meters into the room the door chime sounded.
I hesitated, feeling a dash of crazy hope that she stood outside my door, but scared of the very same idea. I calmly told the computer to open the door and she strode in, immediately past the door sensors, not stopping until she was standing right in front of me.
She was not the least bit hesitant, leaning down and smelling my neck like she had some right to. Instead of pushing her away like I should have, I simply put my hands on her shoulders. She put her hands lightly on my hips, and as I felt her lips travel slowly up my neck I shivered. When she got to my ear her she growled very lightly, telling me that she 'wouldn't wait any longer' for me to act, that since I was too slow she would claim me instead.
As if that wasn't enough to have my blood boiling, she bent down more fully and took my throat gently into her mouth right above my carotid. I couldn't help it, I guess, when my knees went weak. Then she didn't really catch me; she pushed me back and then, as I was off balance, swept me into her arms. By the time I realized what had happened she scattered my thoughts again by seizing my mouth in her own and kissing me like I never imagined I'd ever be kissed.
I can't remember any of the trip to the bed, just looking up at her when she stopped kissing me. She was standing next to the bed, looking down at me and calmly stripping off her biosuit. I know I growled, and I could see that had an effect on her. Then she promptly reached down, efficiently undressed me then joined me on the bed.
I have never felt anything like I did that night. I don't know how long we made love. Oh, I call it making love, not sex. I don't want that to have been just sex. Kahless, I hope it wasn't. I just know after what felt like hours, after we had reached our final climaxes, I found myself clinging to her like a child, listening to her heartbeat. I felt myself surrender to my feelings for her.
I fell asleep sometime after that and when I awoke there was only a padd and the lingering smell of her as evidence that it hadn't been a dream. She had left me a simple note, one sentence, saying that said she had to go to regenerate.
She hasn't tried to contact me since then. I know we've both been busy with repairs, so I try not to think of that or care. I've tried to do my job, tried to not think of her. Tried to not think of how she felt in my hands, what she tasted like, what she smelled like, how she sounded. But I can't stop.
I see her walk into engineering, giving a report to the Captain since the older woman was just leaving after coming to get a status report from me personally. I try not to notice her; I try to turn away from her so I don't give away my obvious desire. I'm not ready for everyone to know how she is affecting me.
Yet, I can't help myself when I turn back to look at her over my shoulder. She notices. The Captain may be looking down at the padd and talking to her, but her eyes are on me. I see her nostrils flare, the feral look in her eyes that I hoped I might see and I see her very small smile. Just as suddenly the moment is over as the redhead has looked up to ask another question.
The Captain puts a hand on her arm, points to the door with the hand holding the padd and they walk out together. She doesn't even look back.
How can she do this to me? How am I supposed to work like this? I'm supposed to be running repairs, not fantasizing about what might happen if she were to come to my door again tonight.
Kahless, please tell me how this happened!
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