DISCLAIMER: Birds of Prey and its characters are the property of Miller/Tobin Productions, Warner Brothers, DC comics etc. no infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Barbara Gordon's Talking Vibrator
By Teh_no
It was midnight and the ruins of the Clocktower were cordoned off by police. In the basement, Barbara was… fitful about leaving Gotham, but in high spirits. For the first twenty minutes of their salvage operation she couldn't stop prattling about their new headquarters, all the shortcomings of the Clocktower she would fix and all the new features she would include. Dinah didn't really care. It wouldn't feel like home.
"You had to blow up the Clocktower," Dinah groused as she threw some more treasure from Barbara's walk-in closets/vaults into the cardboard box Barbara was holding in her lap. "You couldn't just shoot Black Mask, no, you had to go all Wraith of Khan on his ass."
"Technically, Kirk blew up the Enterprise in Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock."
"Was that the one with the whales?"
"No."
"Then I don't care." Dinah dug into a pile of old dresses that had been shaken from their hangers in the blast. Her hand wrapped around something hard and cylindrical. She pulled it out and held it up to the moonlight. It was a few inches long and about a centimeter wide, like an elongated lipstick case.
"Found another one of your spy gadgets," Dinah announced. She held the cylinder like a gunbarrel. "Bond. James Bond."
Barbara saw it. Her eyes widened. She reached for it so fast that she nearly toppled the box in her lap. "Give it!"
Dinah, still sore over her home and related explosions, pulled it away. In doing so, she accidentally tripped a switch.
The cylinder began vibrating.
"Oh. Ooooh. Barbara, you naughty minx…"
"Give it here!" Barbara ordered, holding out her hand like a stern martinet.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have one at home, although mine's bigger." Dinah pressed another one of the small buttons at the base. The top of the vibrator rotated. "Ha! Say, what're all these ports for? They look like headphones jacks…"
"It's a…" Barbara set the box down and lunged for the vibrator again. Dinah held it over her head. "They're data ports. For MP3 uploads. It's a talking vibrator."
"A talking vibrator. I know that's what I have a dildo for, conversation."
"Can you please put that thing away before Zinda sees it?"
"Oh, like she doesn't have one. She probably doesn't have one. She have a birthday coming up?"
"Dinah, that is my personal property! Give it here!"
"Well, Barbara, my personal property got blown up…"
"I told you to keep your stuff in the vaults in case something like this happened!"
"I can't live my life out of a vault, Babs." Dinah looked at the vibrator closer. "So, this thing's been inside you?"
"Dinah, if you sniff that, I swear to God we will never have sex again."
"Where's the button that makes it talk?"
"No!"
"Found it!"
Immediately, an outburst of moaning and groaning shot out of the vibrator's tinny speakers. "Oracle, little help?" "Oracle, need you." "I'm in a tight spot!" "Love you too." "It's so hard!" "I'm all sticky." "So hot down here."
"That's my voice," Dinah said. "Oh God, I sound like a porn star when I'm fighting!"
"Dinah, I can explain."
"You recorded my transmissions and made a pornographic mix tape out of them! I can't decide whether that's really cute or just disturbing."
"I made that a long time ago," Barbara explained, wheeling closer to Dinah. "I was lonely and I had a crush on you like you wouldn't believe."
"So, what's changed?"
"Aside from the lonely part?" Barbara rubbed Dinah's knee.
"Oh, do you have one for Dick?" Dinah used a click wheel at the base of the vibrator to shuffle. She scrambled through some porny jazz music before hearing Dick's voice.
"Hey Babs, you up?" "It's my favorite piece of equipment." "I haven't used it in months." "I bet it's hard as a rock." "Oh shit, I've got maybe three minutes!"
"I was, uh, really lonely and not always comfortable with looking at you, umm… that way."
"Well…" Dinah turned the volume up. "How 'bout a threesome?"
And the only sound for a while was Dick Grayson: "You're a sight for sore eyes." "It won't go up any further." "Sure feels good." "I can't hold this up much longer!" "Barbara, come with me." "I want action." "Below me." "It could be useful in the right spot." "Where's the hole?" "It's a small, round hole." "Looks cold and wet." "Sure is gooey." "Pretty slippery." "I think I could make it up." "It's wedged in tight." "Tastes kinda nice." "Don't stop now." "I, uh, think I need to change my pants."
"What was that last one from?" Dinah asked as she pulled the vibrator out.
"Mission to Paradise Island."
"Why can't we have our new headquarters there?"
"Because…" Barbara paused. "You don't really want me surrounded by beautiful women all day while you're off saving the world?"
"Good point. But." Dinah dumped the talking vibrator in the cardboard box. "We are definitely taking Dick with us to Metropolis."
The End