DISCLAIMER: I accidentally ate two coffee revels while writing that last bit of insanity, and now I'm mad! Actually, I'm mad, bad and deranged to the nth degree... I own nothing Star Trekie, except for one video, which I cannot find.

Tell Me!
By ralst

Captain Kathryn Janeway stood erect, her posture sure and imposing. "You will tell me, Seven, or by God I'll make you pay."

The tall, former borg, spared her commanding officer a superior glance. "There is nothing you can do, worse than the horror I experienced due to your obsession." A ripple of distaste coursed along Seven's body, before she straightened her shoulders and faced off against Janeway. "I will never tell."

The other members of the command staff slipped further into their chairs, hoping against hope that the two women wouldn't come to blows. All that is, except for B'Elanna, who was sitting up, a big grin on her face, watching the interaction like a spectator at a tennis match.

"I can have Commander Tuvok mind meld with you to find the answer," Kathryn warned, her eyes slits of pure venom.

"Captain?" Tuvok looked as shocked as a Vulcan can, which amounted to two raised eyebrows and a slight twitch.

"Shhh, Tuvok, I'm talking." Kathryn levelled a force ten glare at her security officer, but it merely rebounded off his left eyebrow and deflected the blow to a squirming Harry Kim. "Mr Kim, please get off the floor," Janeway chastised.

"Yes, ma'am." Taking his seat, Harry turned it to face away from the warring figures in front of him - he wanted to get out of there alive, he had a date with the loosest woman on the ship and he wasn't about to hamper his one chance at getting laid.

"I believe discussing this further would be futile," said Seven, "therefore, I suggest we move on to new business."

"No you don't!" Kathryn was incensed, standing toe to toe with Seven, her glare so fierce it topped every gauge. Unfortunately, standing next to Seven her gaze only reached the taller woman's chin, where if fizzled and died when the blonde refused to meet her eye. "Look at me, damn it!"

"Don't do it, Seven." B'Elanna countered, her tone displaying far too much humour for either Kathryn or Seven.

"Butt out, Lieutenant."

"I concur, butt out B'Elanna." Seven gave the engineer a scowl to back up her words, but couldn't keep it up for long, as the hybrid turned on her most charming smile. "Unless you would like to tell the Captain what she wishes to know?"

Kathryn turned to glare at B'Elanna, who was busy muttering Klingon curses beneath her breath. "You wait, borg, I'll get you back for this."

"Indeed, Lieutenant." Seven smiled.

Harry Kim risked a look from behind his hands, wanting desperately to see B'Elanna's reaction to her wife's petty treason. For a moment the Klingon looked as if she might jump across the table and strangle Seven, but then he realised that while she might be contemplating jumping the table, it would not be to harm the other woman. Oh no, it would be something far more interesting than that. He smiled and was about to turn his chair back towards the tableau, when he caught the tail end of a Janeway scowl and turned whimpering back into his seat.

"Lieutenant, is there something you wish to tell me?" Kathryn was gleeful, sure in the knowledge that B'Elanna would easily give in. Not that her chief engineer wasn't just as stubborn as her partner, but she doubted B'Elanna shared Seven's deranged reason for perpetrating the crime.

"Yes, Captain." B'Elanna stood, her posture as rigid and formal as either of the women before her. "I cannot tell a lie. I was equally as responsible for hiding the genetic code for coffee as Seven. Do with me what you will, my lady." And with a theatrical flourish, she bowed to Kathryn and blew a kiss to her wife.

"B'Elanna!" Kathryn stomped her foot. "I want my coffee!"

All the men in the room, bar Harry who was still hiding, looked shocked at the childish display of temper from their captain. It was almost endearing.

"You are fully aware of our demands, Captain." Seven smiled at B'Elanna and her wife nodded in agreement. After the years of surviving on Neelix's cooking and the cherished but scarce replicated feast, the crew of Voyager had finally be gifted with enough energy supplies to power the replicators non-stop for a year. But then it had happened. The coffee invasion. The simplest of dishes had taken on an added coffee flavouring, and inside every mouth-watering treat lay a hidden bomb of caffeine filled bitterness. Poor Seven had nearly sworn off solid food for life.

"But..." Kathryn looked defeated, her own personal nirvana had been at hand, but then she'd been stabbed in the back by two of her so-called friends. For three days she'd been able to languish in the ecstasy of coffee flavoured chocolate; coffee tainted french fries; coffee water; jam tarts with coffee icing and double coffee muffins covered in coffee sauce. It was heaven. "But... Seven." Kathryn whined, her lower lip stuck out in a pout.

"There is no but, Captain. You either agree to limit coffee flavouring to the drink itself or we totally eradicate the computer's memory banks of all caffeine based products."

"Oh, God!" All colour drained from Kathryn's face but she managed to nod in agreement, a tiny sob escaping her lips.

"Very good." Seven smiled smugly at her commanding officer before tapping her comm. badge and giving the computer the necessary code to restore coffee to the replicator's database.

In less than a second Kathryn was ordering a large mug of Brazilian coffee and salivating at the heavenly aroma. With the first touch of the liquid against her lips, Kathryn's senses blossomed and her brain kicked up a gear and a Machiavellian gleam entered her eye.

"Now that issue has been concluded, I suggest we turn our attention to some new business." She spared Seven a calculated smile. "Namely the Doctor's recommendation of a month long period of enforced chastity to eradicate the lingering traces of alien infection brought on board by Mr Paris."

"Ch-chastity?" Seven dropped into her seat, all the colour bleached from her face.

"No way!" B'Elanna screamed before fainting dead away.

The rest of the command staff just shrugged, wondering what the big deal was.

The End

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