DISCLAIMER: Star Trek is the property of Paramount, this excuse for a story implies relationships between women and other women, or more accurately, one woman and one other woman. It also implies that two of the guy's are more than just friends, actually I may not have made it plain, but they're doing the two headed monster with an itchy back routine nightly...episodes permitting. I also don't own the Paramount writers, heaven forbid, I just borrowed them to make fun of. The washing machine mentioned in this story may at some future date have its own show on cable, if this happens I would like to formally acknowledge the support and encouragement of Anaglyph in its construction...I'm only sorry I didn't have the time to mention the near Shakespearean love that exists between said washing machine and a certain weapons dispenser. Okay, I think that enough of a disclaimer....the fact that sanity no longer lives in my house should be obvious and not need to be disclaimed.

The New Script
By ralst

The conference room of the Federation Starship Voyager.

"So, has it arrived yet?" Asked an anxious Kathryn, afraid of all the rumours she'd heard recently of her latest affair with a near sentient washing machine. She'd been forced into some pretty dire situations by the omnipotent beings know as the Paramount writers, or to use their pet name, the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem, but she didn't think her sanity would stand that. Not to mention Neelix, who was getting very ticked off that she had to leave their bed every eight or nine episodes to fall in love with some one appearance wonder, who mysteriously was never heard from again after their little tryst with his beloved.

Harry Kim looked down at the bound script he held tightly in his sweaty hands, the urge to just throw it out the nearest airlock almost overpowering. They'd tried that once, after a particularly trying story centred around Chakotay, who the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem had failed to notice left the ship four seasons ago. That hadn't stopped them from writing stories for him though, so the rest of the crew just took to carrying around a cardboard cut out of the guy and during any of Chuckles scenes Tuvok would stand near by and throw his voice to make it appear that the cardboard spoke. But after a whole episode of doing that Tuvok had threatened to walk, so the crew had banded together and refused to do the next show. It was a disaster. They brought in some poor sods from the Next Generation, who had believed themselves free of the bonds of servitude, only to threaten the Voyager crew with the responsibility of bringing all the old crews back until they got back to work. Being an honourable people, the crew of Voyager couldn't bare to be the cause of others misery, especially as they'd already done their time. So now they just took their medicine like good Starfleet officers and prayed for the end of season seven, when they'd get paroled. "Erm, who wants to open it?" Harry finally managed, too superstitious to do it himself.

"Give it here." Called a tiny voice from the Captain's seat. Young Naomi Wildman having grown up under the watchful eyes of the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem, had become somewhat fearless and a model of courage to the adults around her. "It was Seven's turn to be persecuted last week, so I'm thinking maybe Harry or Tom this time around. Anyone wanna bet on it?" Her cheeky smile was met by quivering lips and watery eyes from a now terrified Harry and Tom.

"Perhaps it won't be so bad." B'Elanna offered, her arm instinctively going around her partner when Seven began to tremble. "Shhhh, honey, after last time they're bound to go easy on you this episode."

Seven's big blue eyes stared up at her love beseechingly, of all those present she had suffered the most during the past three and a half years. If it hadn't been for B'Elanna's love and support during the inter-episode period, she would have given up long ago. "Do you really think so?"

Leaning down B'Elanna place a gentle kiss on Seven's lips, trying to convey all the love and strength she could in that one gesture. "I do my love, I think you'll be fine."

"You're right, Seven's hardly in the episode." Naomi called over from between the pages of the detested script. "But.." The child's voice trailed off, the full horror of what she was reading too much for even her courage. "The bastards."

"Naomi Wildman, watch your language." Seven admonished.

"Sorry Seven." Unable to look Seven or B'Elanna in the eye, Naomi handed the script over to Tom "You'd best read it."

The pilot suddenly became the centre of attention, all eyes turned on the dejected looking man as he began to read. "They can't do this!" His eyes shot up to search out first the EMH then B'Elanna and Seven. "We have to stop them."

"Oh my God! It's the washing machine, isn't it?" Screamed Kathryn, turning to bury her head in Neelix's shoulder. "I can't take it anymore." She mumbled to her lover, until a fury hand began a soothing stroke across a troubled brow.

"It's not you." Tom admitted. Like most he knew how close to the edge Kathryn was and wanted to do all he could to spare the woman who was like a daughter to him. The poor girl had never been very strong, but all the mental cruelty at the hands of the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem had messed her up bad. It was only Neelix's constant reassurance that kept her together. With a deep breath and silent prayer, Tom turned sad eyes to B'Elanna. "It's us Lanna, they've decided to marry us off."

The whole room became deathly quiet, the shock and despair thick in the atmosphere.

"What!?!" The shout split the air in two and forced every eye to its owner. The EMH just stood there in mortification, not believing even the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem could do something so cruel. "We can't let that happen." He pleaded, before tears began flowing down his cheeks.

"Don't cry. Please hon, I can't bear to see you upset." Tom whispered to his lover, using the sleeve of his uniform to brush away the errant tears.

"The Doctor is right." Seven announced, the steel in her voice catching everyone's attention, even Kathryn brought her head out of Neelix's shoulder for a moment. "We will resist."

"Resistance is futile." Harry mumbled.

"No! She is right." Tuvok exclaimed, the years of pretending he didn't have emotions while in episodes had left him an emotional powder keg, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. The separating of two happy couples in such an underhanded and permanent way had provided that provocation. "We should destroy the ship."

"Destroy the ship? Are you mad?" Neelix boomed, quieting all those around him. "I may agree to resisting this latest travesty but its not worth all our lives."

"I had no intention of anyone losing their life, Neelix." Tuvok explained. Like all the others he was somewhat in awe of the Talaxian, having come from a non-Federation world he was seen as something quite special by all onboard. "I think we should abandon ship for that M-class planet we just passed, then set the auto-distruct."

"But, but then we'll ne, never get home." Kathryn stammered, the prospect of hope almost too much.

"Does that really matter?" B'Elanna asked, wrapping her arms around Seven she allowed a genuine smile to cross her face for the first time since entering the conference room. "What do any of us have in the Alpha Quadrant? All I'll ever need is right here beside me." Here she kissed Seven's elegant neck, earning a welcome moan of pleasure from the former drone. "I vote for abandoning ship."

"Me too." Seven agreed.

The EMH shared a meaningful look with Tom before they both gave their ascent to the suggestion. Harry simply nodded, he'd do practically anything to be spared the doomed romances and crushes the fuckingidiotswithoutabrainbetweenthem decided he should suffer on a regular basis. Naomi merely smiled, she had long wanted off Voyager to explore somewhere new. That left Neelix and Kathryn.

"A Captain should never abandon her ship." Kathryn remarked, her voice taking on a granite tone that had been missing for years. "Therefore, I quit." Four gold pips fell to the floor as the auburn haired woman whooped for joy.

"Where Kathryn goes, I go." Neelix stated solemnly, his efforts to seem calm under pressure somewhat hampered by the woman now jumping up and down on his lap.

Tom threw the now pointless script in the bin, what sort of a name was 'Drive' anyway. "What about the rest of the crew?"

"Don't worry about them." Naomi piped up. "They've been wanting to leave for even longer than I have."

"Then there's only one more thing we need do." Announced B'Elanna. "Lets pack." With a smile she clasped Seven's hand and led the other woman towards their quarters, which during episodes they camouflaged as a weapons locker.

Somewhere in the depths of Hell....otherwise known as the Paramount writers kennel.

"I'm telling you Hank, the ship's disappeared." Bob whined. "One minute it was there, the next nothing but a pile of debris."

"Fuck!" Hank exclaimed, showing off the vast range of vocabulary that had led to him gaining a job as a writer on a top syndicated show. "I'll call the big man."

Six hours twenty-four minutes later....

"He said to just use the computer generated crew." Hank mumbled.

Bob merely sighed, he'd never get home in time to watch ER at this rate. "Okay, CGI it is then."

On one of the lush beaches of NoParamountYah, the new home of the Voyager crew...

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh Gggggggggoooooooooodddddddddddd!!! Ssseeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeennnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


"Oh, it must be four o'clock." Neelix commented, as he passed the Torres-of Nine beach hut. "Time for tea."


The End

Return to Voyager Fiction

Return to Main Page