DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mine Fox owns them and whoever else created them owns them and I'm sure as heck ain't any money off of them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: There are depictions of a loving relationship between two women and drug use in this, nothing major, just picking up where that STUPID series ender left off. DUMB FOX...whoops, there I go again. Oh yeah, and there's maybe two or three bad words in here too.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Thoughts
By Tygris
Part 1
These are Billie's thoughts, as she's held captive.
Pain. Funny how that's one of the first senses that makes you truly snap out of something. A light nap, a deep thought, a slight daydream, a heroine injection.....wait....did I think that last one? My familiar senses of coming down are telling me yes. My muscles are slightly jerking. I feel like crap and I want to vomit everywhere. Great. That was one sensation I'd prefer to forget about. Funny thing is, when I was a junkie I never remembered it. Near the end when I wanted to come clean, I remembered how I hated my self for feeling this way. What had happened to me anyway? Oh right, I was hit with a taser, handcuffed to a chair in some scorching hot warehouse with some psycho blond babbling about her equally psycho boyfriend and injected with heroine. All in a days work huh Chambers?
What if I don't get out of this? What if I die? What's the first thing you feel when you are about to die?
Regrets.
That's what I'm feeling now. I'm not sure whether I'm feeling this because I'm coming off my high, or I really have regrets.
Alexa.
That was a regret. I loved her. She was my one true love. Sure we spent one wild night together, it was after our academy graduation. We were both drunk. You know how it goes. One thing leads to another. To me it was the best sex I ever had; to her it was just a drunken night of passion. Whenever I brought it up, she'd always laugh it off. It meant nothing to her but everything to me. I never told her how I really felt. I was too afraid. Just being around her was the best high I ever had. She stood by me when no one else did. I'd show up on her doorstep like the rat I was after nights of heroine and God know what else. She'd never ask what happened. She'd always know. I'd stand there on her doorstep blubbering about how messed up I was and I needed a shoulder to cry on. My real excuse was I wanted her to hold me, that and I needed a toilet bowl to use. She'd hold me in her arms when I'd be thrashing violently coming down from my high. She'd hold my hair, as I'd throw up in her toilet boil believing me when I told her it would be the last time, but it never was. Then it happened. I had a one night fling with some girl, we shot up, had wild sex, the usual, and as usual I showed up at Alexa's half stoned crying the blues about how whatever her name was had left me without even saying good bye.
"Billie," she approached me cautiously, "You need help, and I can't keep covering for you. Your boss Bob Parish called me tonight. He said you slipped up royally on the Carson case, and he's worried about you."
"Fuck him!" I spat, "And Fuck you too for listening to him!"
"Billie, please" she gently held me by the shoulders and tried to lead me inside.
I took her off guard, and I shoved her to the ground. "Get your fucking hands off of me!" I screamed. That was the last I remembered. I didn't know I had knocked Alexa unconscious as she fell back and hit her head on the doorknob.
When she came through she spent the whole night looking for me, threatening junkies on her way to shoot them where they stood should they not give up my whereabouts. Finally, being the detective Alexa was she found my body slumped in some back ally after having my ass kicked over some stupid argument over the payment of my smack.
"You're hurt" she dabbed my lip tenderly with her hand.
"Where is it? " I demanded grabbing her hand.
"What?"
"Don't mess with me Bitch! Give me my needle!" I screamed not fully comprehending that it was Alexa I was yelling at.
That was it. She knew I was over the edge. I tried to fight her, but I was no match. She took me back to her house and stayed by my side as I writhed in pain. She rocked me in her arms whispering in my ears that everything would be o.k. and we'd see things through together, I believed her. She called my boss and told him what had happened. Then it was decided, Bob would tidy up my muddle and Alexa would take care of the rest. She held my hand as she checked me onto rehab once I calmed down. She took me care of me for weeks after that cleaning up the mess I made when the tremors would seize my body causing me to drop and spill anything and everything. I wanted to tell her so much how I loved her, but I never did. And then....it happened. I found her, her throat slit after a bust gone bad. My regret? Telling her to late, not being there, not kissing her one last time.
Sara
Another regret. Lies. That's what I told her.
I regretted telling her that I did love her, after I knew what I had to do. Turn her in. I regretted falling for her to erase Alexa's memory.... or did I? No, I don't think I did. When Sara first kissed me at the bar, I felt something. Sara loved me for me. She didn't know who I was. She didn't know about my past, she only knew about Van and even that was a lie. When I kissed her in the hot tub I never wanted it to end. Part of me cursed Van and Deaq for showing up when they did. When Van pretended to be my husband it was another lie. When we made love that night, it wasn't a lie. It was the most beautiful pure thing I had done in a long time. I hadn't touched a woman that way since I had come clean from drugs and I hadn't touched a woman at all since Alexa died. Being with Sara made me feel complete.
I got up while she was asleep that night; I stood by the window, my mind reeling about the next day. The day I was to turn her in. I felt her arms slip around my waist as she pulled me close and nuzzled her face into my neck.
"You o.k."
"Yes" I simply stated.
"You worried about tomorrow?"
"Yes"
"Do I ask allot of questions?"
I turned to face her and forced a smile. "Yes"
She led me back to bed and we made love again. We connected in many ways. I was lying to her and yet she loved me anyway. She held me in her arms too as I told her how scared I was about the next day and how Van would take his revenge on me. I wanted to tell her that it was a mistake when she found the wire on me, that it didn't matter, we could still be together. And when Van shot her, for one split agonizing second, I thought he killed her. When we were alone I wanted to hold her, tell her she'd be fine, tell her we could still a life together, but even then, I was to scared. After she was released, she found work at the Girl Bar, she was so savvy she quickly worked her way into management, and eventually part owner. I'd go and sit in one of the darkest corners some nights and simply watch her. Sometimes I'd just sit in my car in the parking lot after closing time just to get a look at her. She saw me one night. She looked good, and healthy. We locked gazes, but nothing was said, I was to afraid to talk to her I simply left. I know I could love her, I know if I saw her one more time I could......Damn, my mind is in a haze. I don't know what I feel.
"Awake?" I hear a voice ask.
My eyes try to focus, the room, it's moving. My head is throbbing, and I'm bleeding I can taste my own blood in my mouth.
"Miss the sensation?" The voice asked again sarcastically.
I utter out a few swear words at her.
"Well I love you too! And to show you how much, I've got more of that warm tingly feeling you love so much."
A needle jab, this time in my arm again instead of my leg. It felt good. No...it can't .......I have to fight this. Like I fought my feelings for Sara.
I mumble some words.
"What?" the voice asked
Again I mumble something. Something I know I have to say. If I don't, and I die, I know I would regret not saying that too.
My head is snapped back forcefully.
"Sara who?" the voice demands. "The girl from the bar?"
I let the all to familiar sensation heroine flowing through my veins hit me. I pray that this time it will be the end.
Epilogue
Gabriella was beginning to be impatient. She needed something, or someone to make the boys talk. She grabbed Billie's arm and with the same force as she used earlier, she jabbed the needle in Billie's arm. Billy began to squirm.
"Sara" she gasped.
"What?"
"Sara" Billie said again, "I'm sorry...." her breathing was becoming ragged as her eyes fluttered to stay open.
"I....really....did love.....you" .
Gabriella grabbed a fistful of Billie's hair and yanked her head back.
"Sara who? She demanded, "The girl from the bar?" as Billie's eyes rolled back in her head as she then went limp.
Gabriella watched Billy with amusement. Sara huh? She'd have to pay this Sara a visit.