DISCLAIMER: Birds of Prey and its characters are the property of Miller/Tobin Productions, Warner Brothers, DC comics etc. no infringement intended.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Totally Married
By Teh_no


"Okay," Dinah said, getting her thoughts in order, "is it just me or did we just have totally mind-blowing sex?"

Barbara looked at her. They were naked on the floor of the Clocktower's computer room, their clothes scattered all about, wearing only the sleeping bag (Barbara kept it around for late-night hacks when she finally found a crack and then suddenly found herself too tired to make the long haul for bed) that they had been in for the last three hours. Barbara's glasses were on slightly crooked, but she managed to retain her poise despite the fact that her hair was a mess, her body had been drained of energy like a wrung washcloth, and the aforementioned nudity.

"I think it's just you," Barbara deadpanned.

"Okay, right, okay…" Dinah nodded convulsively. "Are you freaking out about this as much as I am?"

"Yes, but I'm managing it a lot better." Barbara reached up and petted Dinah's face. "No reflection on you, of course."

"You've… you've done this before, haven't you?"

"Power Girl. Duh."

"She's your… ex?" Dinah exclaimed, shocked.

"Well… yes. I thought you knew. I mean, it was pretty obvious."

Looking back, it had been pretty obvious. Still, it was like being told that Uncle Phil was the Shredder. Once you knew it, you couldn't unknow it. Dinah rubbed her temples. "Oh God, how did this even happen? Was it sex pollen? Some hidden batch of sex pollen maybe? Or did we get drunk? Were there drugs involved?"

"I'm pretty sure I was just sitting here when you suddenly decided to throw me to the floor and have your way with me. Not that I minded, but a little warning next time? My back is killing me…"

Dinah searched her memory. Yes, that was definitely the way it had happened. "You looked… really pretty."

"It's the glasses. I'm told it gives me a 'naughty librarian' look."

"Those aren't the words I would've used, but you did look very… geek girl chic. Like Willow, only not quite as potentially evil." Dinah suddenly covered her breasts with her hands. "I'm naked!"

"I did notice."

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" Dinah reached for some clothes icon and found her fishnets. It was a start. She began pulling them on. "I'm not the kind of person who just has sex… really, really great sex… with her best friend all of a sudden for no reason."

"Well, you are now." Barbara set her glasses beside her keyboard on the computer desk. "My theory is highly repressed sexual tension."


"Oh yes. You were attracted to me, but since you considered yourself all 'heterosexual to the bone,' you repressed those feelings until they came boiling out in a fit of pent-up lust and wild Sapphic feelings." She settled back down on the pillow. "'Bout time, too. I was waiting for you to figure out you were in love with me."

"What? But… I can't be a lesbian! I mean, I can't be in love with you! I'm not a lesbian!"

"I noticed that right around the time you had your fingers inside me. And yes, it was good for me too."

Dinah moaned. "Oh God, I'm a lesbian. I am such a lesbian, it's not even funny. I've always thought you were attractive, but I thought it was just… you know, sizing up the competition, not that I was actually… attracted to you!"

Barbara held up a hand. "Dinah, can we pause right there for a moment? I need you to listen to me. I know you're very confused about your sexual identity at the moment and I know that you're raking your memory, trying to figure out a time when you had better sex than just now."

"That is not true!" Dinah protested while thinking Ollie Queen, backseat of an '81 Camaro… nope.

"And I also know that you're about to say you need 'time to think.' That's code for 'I'm going to run out and reassert my comfortable heterosexuality with someone who is completely wrong for me, even though I've thought about how great it would be to be Barbara's girlfriend a lot.' Now, this random hetero is probably going to be Ollie, who you're going to have sex with despite the fact that you actually strongly dislike him on a personal level. That's appropriate, as there's not much there to like. While this is going on, I'll either by some kind of demented lady in waiting or I'll actually be getting together with someone totally wrong for me, like Helena or Karen or even, God help us all, Dick… who, don't get me wrong, is a very nice guy, but he needs to mature at least five years before he enters an adult relationship with anyone. Also, he could stand to read something that isn't Harry Potter or a Star Wars tie-in, just so we can have a conversation about literature. All that is beside the point, so sorry for the digression. Bottom-line, we can skip a lot of unnecessary anguish and melodrama by the simple expenditure of you crawling back into bed with me and cuddling."

Dinah stared at Barbara. She'd heard lawyer's closing arguments that were less eloquent. "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"

"There wasn't much else to do while I was waiting for you to figure out that you were both a lesbian and totally married to me. I mean, seriously, are you like the last to know or what? Also, one time only offer, I'll give you a back massage."

"Well… my shoulders are feeling kinda sore."


Dinah laughed and began undressing again. "You could've told me earlier. Asked me out on a date or something?"

"And freak you out unnecessarily? That would be sadistic, Dinah."

"And what do you call five minutes ago, when I realized I was totally your pseudo-wife?"

"A painful, but necessary part of nature. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon…"

"I'll show you painful nature!"

Dinah tackled Barbara, rolling her out of the sleeping bag and across the floor until they came to a rest against a Cray supercomputer.

Suddenly, they stopped. "Oh God," Dinah said. "I just realized."


"Now, whenever I have a naughty thought about you, I can just do it instead of anguishing over my orientation."

Barbara smiled and laid back. "Do tell."

"Don't get me wrong…" Dinah rocked back onto her knees so she was kneeling in front of the prone Barbara. "It's great to see you naked and all… especially since I can see now that you're a natural redhead… but to be able to go one step further… to actually bring the fantasy to life..." Dinah ran her left hand down Barbara's body, between her breasts, over her flat stomach. "I must admit to being slightly drunk with power."

"Don't let me sober you," Barbara moaned with a slight hitch in her voice as Dinah slipped her hand between Barbara's legs.

"So, tell me Babs," Dinah said in a light conversational tone as Barbara groaned and writhed. "Am I doing this right? I've only been a lesbian for about fifteen minutes…"

"Beginner's! Luck!" Barbara panted as Dinah slipped her hand down to massage her thigh. Barbara caught her breath. "Umm, little higher?"

Dinah looked down at the thigh she has been massaging. "Oh, right." She slid her hand back up to Barbara's mound. "Hmm… you know, I always loved it when Ollie sucked my breasts." Dinah bent over Barbara and planted a kiss on her left breast, right above the nipple. "Of course, I didn't like the beard-scratch, but something tells me that won't be an issue."

Whatever Barbara was going to reply caught in her throat when Dinah locked a nipple in her teeth and dragged at it. Instead, the redhead's head was thrown back and she let out a muted cry, barely more than a sigh.

"What was that?" Dinah moved her mouth to Barbara's right breast and poised her free hand over Barbara's left. "I couldn't quite hear you."

She pinched Barbara's nipple, at long last eliciting an excited moan from the hacker. Barbara grabbed Dinah by the head and strongly grappled her upwards, putting her in position to deliver a passionate kiss. Mid-kiss, Barbara rolled around on top of Dinah, finally ending up straddling her with some sort of martial arts move that left Dinah wondering what the hell had happened to that tongue she was sucking on.

"Now then," Barbara said, pushing a pleased Dinah down onto her back. "Let me show you how it's done…" she finished in-between trailing kisses down Dinah's supine body.

"Oh my holy hell!" Helena shouted, dropping her bag to the floor.

Barbara and Dinah looked up at her sharply.

"Helena, I was just about to get head!" Dinah said angrily.

"Helena, I was just about to give her head!" Barbara said, just as angrily.

Helena pointed a finger at them. "I knew you two were totally married!"

Barbara saw what Helena had been carrying and pointed a finger right back at her. "I knew you were the one who took my laptop!"

"I was bringing it back! And besides, why do you need a laptop, you have her!" Helena repositioned her finger so it was pointing squarely at Dinah.

"Actually," Dinah said, "I haven't actually sat in her lap yet. It's mostly just been lying-down sex."

"Come to think of it, you could be standing up and pinning me against a wall while we kinda grinded together…" Barbara thought out loud.

"Hey! I'm still here!" Helena said, before holding up Barbara's computer. "And I have your laptop!"

"Speaking of which, you'd better not have erased any of my files!"

"I didn't! I used a USB drive! So there!"

"That's great! Very thoughtful of you!"

"You're welcome! I was trying to be nice! I'm glad you appreciate it!"

"I do!"

"Well, good!"







"Hold on, hold on, time-out!" Dinah called. "Why are you so angry at us for being lesbians?"

Helena re-pointed her finger at Dinah. "Because! … I don't know why. I guess I just don't like being left out of the loop."

"We were going to tell you," Barbara said sheepishly.

"It's kind of a recent development. I just had my fill of sexual tension, so I threw her to the ground and we just had really hot sex."

"My back still hurts."

"Oh," Helena said. "Well, that's cool, I guess." She set the laptop down on the counter. "I'm leaving your computer here. Now I'm going to go poach on Dick since you won't be using him. Have good sex!"

"Hey, I didn't say you could date my ex!" Barbara called after her as Helena left. "I may still need him as a slumpbuster!"

Dinah lightly slapped Barbara upside the head. "Why would you need a slumpbuster? We just started dating! … Are we dating? I mean, I know we're totally married, whatever that means…"

"Oh, like you don't have a slumpbuster?"

Dinah grinned sheepishly. "Roy."

"It figures."

"And sometimes Connor."

"Which one, the Green Arrow or Superboy?"

"…it has to be just one?"

Outside the Clocktower, Helena was on a payphone.

"Hey, Dick? You wanna get together later? No, don't worry about Barbara, she and Dinah are totally married. No, I mean literally. Yes, as in I literally just saw them having sex. Oh, about fourth base I'd say. No, I'm not going to describe it to you. Okay, maybe if you get a few beers in me… yes, it was totally hot. Okay, see you there."

Back up in the Clocktower, Dinah and Barbara were resolving a post-sex case of the munchies. Neither of them had bothered to get dressed yet, which suited both of them just fine.

I am totally seeing Babs naked, Dinah thought as she watched Barbara be naked.

Dinah is totally seeing me naked, Barbara thought as Dinah watched her be naked.

Dinah searched through the cupboard and came up with a box of Fruit Loops.

"Babs, you know this is a kid's cereal, right?"

"I know, I mostly eat Cheerios like a good little superheroine, but I keep that around for when I need something to munch on and a certain blonde vigilante (who shall go unnamed but wears fishnets, so that should narrow it down) has eaten everything else."

"So I have a healthy metabolism." Dinah poured Barbara a bowl. "Sue me."

"I could. I'd convince you to settle out of court with sex. You'd have to remand custody of your metabolism over to me and then you'd only get to see it on alternate weekends."

"You and your sex bribes…"

Barbara poured milk into her cereal bowl, then threw what was left onto Dinah's chest. Dinah looked down at the cold milk dripping off her nipples. "Babs, what the hell did you do that for!?" She looked up to see Barbara watching her with a rather keen expression. "Oh. Right."

Dinah sat down on Barbara's lap. "Helena was right, this is rather comfortable…" Barbara wasted no time in licking some of the fluid off Dinah's cleavage. Dinah shivered in ecstasy. "Perks are nice too…" She took a bite of Barbara's cereal.

"Hey, I'm going to eat that!"

"No, you're going to eat me. The cereal's going to get soggy." Dinah climbed up until she was straddling Barbara's shoulders, supporting herself on the ceiling fan. Some of the milk had crawled down past her stomach and into her sparse hair, where Barbara licked it up. "Waste not, want not…"

It took Dinah a moment to notice that Barbara didn't go straight for the cunnilingus, instead kissing her knees and thigh. The light brush of red hair tickled her kneecap and Dinah felt an irrational flash of jealousy as she wondered if Barbara had used to do this with Dick. She quickly quashed it and petted Barbara's hair as the redhead moved up the insides of her thigh and directly into her…

"Is that the last of the Fruit Loops?" Zinda asked as she walked inside.

"Zinda!" Barbara said, sitting up and unfortunately throwing Dinah from her perch. "What are you doing here!?"

"Flight school let out early. Seriously, is that the last bowl of Fruit Loops? Can I have it? Because you can't have lesbian sex and eat Fruit Loops at the same time. They'll get all soggy."

"I kinda like 'em soggy," Dinah said as she woozily got to her feet, then saw Zinda and covered her breasts with one arm and her vagina with the other. Neither of these limbs did a wholly adequate job, which Barbara was not dismayed to find out.

"For a woman who's used to 1940s mores and attitudes, you're taking this homosexuality surprisingly well," Barbara said.

"Well, can't say as I see the appeal in doing the nasty with another set of stockings, but if that's your thing, go for it. As for me, I'd never be able to say no to a good hard whanger."

"What's a whanger?" Dinah asked Barbara, sotto voce.

"Doesn't the context make it obvious?" Dinah whispered back.

"Let me guess," Zinda continued. "One of you saw the other as if for the first time, fell instantly in love, then threw her down and had your sordid way with her?"

"My back still hurts," Barbara muttered under her breath.

"How did you know?" Dinah asked.

"Heck, used to happen to me once or twice a week back in the Big One. Course, back then, with so many young, willing airmen… girl's as to develop herself a refined palate. Good times, good times. Now I suppose you'd call it being 'sex-positive' or some such… I just called it fun." Zinda stole the bowl of Fruit Loops. "Well, you two have fun with your nudity and sex now. I'm gonna watch some more of my Full House DVDs. That Uncle Joey… cracks me up! Anyhoo, nice work Barbara. That Dinah is one choice SYT."

Barbara and Dinah watched her go, awestruck.

"Did she just steal your Fruit Loops?" Dinah asked.

"She can have them," Barbara whispered.

"Wait, did Zinda just say I have an SYT?"

"She said you were an SYT. Sweet Young Thing."

"Oh. How do you know all this stuff?"

"Photographic memory plus a website on 1940s slang."

"You cheat." Dinah leaned against the breakfast table. "Not that it hasn't been fun being interrupted every time we start to have sex, but shall we adjourn to the bedroom?"

"We shall," Barbara replied, mock-formally. She began to turn her wheelchair towards the door.

"Need any help?"

"No." Barbara stopped and looked at Dinah. "But I'd like some anyway."

Dinah smiled and scooped Barbara up, one arm under her shoulder blades, the other behind her knee.

"Oooh, upper-body strength. I'm very impressed," Barbara said. She kissed Dinah's cheek. "Now you just have to get to the bedroom."

"You going to stop me?"

"No… I'm just going to provide a little…" Her tongue slithered into Dinah's ear. "Incentive."

Knees wobbling, Barbara's teeth nibbling on her neck, Dinah managed to storm the bedroom. She set Barbara down on her bed. Her single bed.

"Girl, we have got to get you a bigger bed," Dinah said.

"I sent for it just as you jumped me. It was on lay-away."

"Damn, you do think ahead."

"Speaking of which…" Barbara reached under her mattress and pulled out a very useful, very phallic piece of technology. "Guess what this does. No, guess." Dinah turned it on. It buzzed animatedly. "I see you're not stranger to self-pleasure."

"We'll talk about my viewing habits later," Dinah said. "For now, I believe you were going to show me how one who is versatile in the machinations of love handles woman-on-woman passion?"

"Not in so many syllables, but…" Barbara pulled Dinah to the mattress and brought the vibrator up between her legs, but stopped an inch from her pussy. "Wait."

"Now what?"

"Before we have any more really great sex, I'd just like to say…" Barbara smiled. "I am so totally in love with you."

"I'm really in love with you too, Babs. And I'm really looking forward to having some more sex today, so if you don't mind…"

"With pleasure."

"Yeah, self-OOOH!"

The End

Return to Birds of Prey Fiction

Return to Main Page