DISCLAIMER: I don't own Voyager's senior staff - just borrowing them for this story.

Get me off this Lame Tugboat
By Miss Liz

"Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty...whew! Damn! Take that all you young ensigns who think I'm old." Placing the ten-pound plate back on the rack, Chakotay laughed, and took his time to stretch out. To build his rectus abdominus, he had begun to vary his exercises and add weight to an already punishing routine.

Stepping in front of the mirror in his weight room, Chakotay curled his lips into a smile. Finally, everything had paid off. Staring at his rippling abs and bulging biceps, Voyager's second in command knew he would be hard to resist.

"Janeway to Chakotay." Chakotay sighed "can't I have day off in peace."

"Chakotay here." Responding to his coffee addicted leader.

"There will be a senior staff meeting at 1600 hours. Janeway out."

"4pm - great! That's in twenty minutes. Hey woman - how about some pleasantries. I don't know a - how are you, thank-you, goodbye - might be nice." Janeway - she was on the patch now and crankier than ever.

Chakotay sighed. "What's the point." Jumping into his sonic shower, he could only hope that the meeting would not take too long. He took his time brushing his hair out. Perhaps, a new style was in order. No time for that now though.

"Damn it. I'm already three minutes late." Chakotay threw on a pair of boots and headed down to the meeting.

B'Elanna sighed. For three minutes she had tried to explain that Chakotay was not at the meeting yet. Someone had placed a potted plant into his seat and no one could tell the difference. It can't be him - it's not wearing a comm badge she determined triumphantly.

"That's a freaking plant - you freaking mor-" B'Elanna stopped mid-sentence as Chakotay strolled in.

Before B'Elanna could break into a grin, Janeway spoke. "Chakotay - what are you doing over there - have a seat."

Chakotay removed the plant and sat down. He sighed, must everyone on this ship be a non-culture respecting simpleton.

"Mr. Paris has brought to my attention something important." Janeway explained with a straight face.

"Important my ass-" B'Elanna explained in a most lady like fashion.

"Lieutenant, that's enough."

"Captain - I would have to concur with Lieutenant Torres' colorful assessment. Only on .001 occasions has Mr. Paris voiced anything of any remote importance." Seven looked at B'Elanna quirking a sexy eyebrow. The lieutenant gave a small smile in return.

"Ladies...where was I - oh yes...something of importance. Mr. Paris, Neelix would you like to explain this to the group." Attaching another coffee-be gone patch - Janeway let out what can only be described as an orgasmic sound. "Oh Yeahhhhhhh."

"Ewww." Tuvok blurted out before remembering he was vulcan and forbidden to blurt.

"Really. I am trying to eat here." Neelix pushed his muffin to the side.

"Okay, so back to why we are here. I have been researching Talaxian holidays and it turns out - we've got one coming up. After discussing it with Neelix and Janeway, we have decided to celebrate the Harvest Festival with an open bar, dancing, and karaoke." Paris plastered on a smug grin.

"I would be offended but I really enjoy karaoke." Neelix could only stare at his hands and then at his muffin. Okay, mostly at his muffin. Damn you Janeway - he was hungry.

Groans abounded.

"All senior staff must attend - no excuses." Janeway tried to explain in a direct non-explanatory way.

"But-" all eyes turned to Seven.

"I mean it - everyone."

"When is the Harvest Festival occurring?" Chakotay gave in to the inevitable.

"Hmmm. Did someone say something?" Janeway mumbled, unable to focus in her coffee-free haze.

Before Chakotay could answer Mr. Paris spoke. "It's tomorrow night at 7pm sharp."

"Dismissed." Janeway said that or something like that - she was mumbling.

Chakotay walked back into his quarters, hoping to relax with a good book. Passing by his weight room mirror - Voyager's second in command - got a shock.

"Holy Furk! What the...!" He looked overweight. In fact, he had kind of a gut. To calm down, he decided to some relaxation chants. Sadly, it occurred to him that he did not know any. Maybe an amusing episode of Sex and the City would suffice.

"No, no time for that. I've got to see the doctor."


"Chakotay, how is my favorite Indian doing? Oops, sorry I meant Native American."

"Whatever, I've got an emergency here."

"If it's about your hair - I've run out of ideas."

"No, it's not that. Do I look fat to you?"

"You, of course not. You are in excellent health."

Chakotay could only think - Liar - but he needed to get to the bottom of this mystery. After walking back to his quarters, pondering the question should Carrie end up with Mr. Big, our hero fell asleep. Waking up - it occurred to Chakotay that this mystery would not solve itself.

Was the crew acting weird? Who could tell. What was with the doctor? Had the patch affected Janeway's brain? Borrrrrrrrrrrrring. Chakotay fought the urge to give up. It was strong but alas, he was stronger.

Chakotay pulled out his trusty journal, a pen, and put on some mood music. Our hero smiled - Janet Jackson rocks. Back to the matter at hand.

"Hmmm...things that are weird."

Kathryn - a strange, crippling addiction to coffee

B'Elanna - in an unfulfilling relationship with supposed playboy/slut

Tom - in an unfulfilling relationship with cranky, warrior woman

Harry - has a thing for Tom, doesn't know what to do about it

Tuvok - despite the blurting and wearing a red dress - I am not sure

Neelix - hairy douche bag (scratch that) what's up with his food

Seven - expressing lusty urgings for the attached lieutenant

Me - my weight :(

Now it was time to so some real detecting. After a quick nap of course.

It was time for breakfast or lunch or something similar like brunch. Chakotay knew he would have to work fast. He only had a short time before the party would start to solve the latest Voyager mystery.

After talking to each crew member separately - our hero studied his notes. The doctor seemed to be the common link. Fighting the urge to nap - our hero sought out the medical hologram.

Chakotay placed the doctor offline and began running some tests on his systems. Everything seemed in working order. That would be it for most heroes but Chakotay was different. After ransacking the doctor's office, our hero stumbled upon the medical hologram's secret diary. Since the situation was an emergency, he fixed himself a cappuccino, and sat down for a good read. Now it was time to put the medical hologram back online.

"You read my diary!" The doctor screamed - trying to hold back tears.

"You've got some explaining to do. Get talking!"

Chakotay fought the urge to nap but like a good hero - he pretended to stay awake.

"...so that's how we can reverse what I've done."

"Why did you do it?"

"I've explained this like three times already but I guess once more wouldn't hurt. I felt neglected, used, I was tired of dealing with everyone's silly complaints so I decided to torture the senior staff just a bit."

Chakotay could only think - borrrrrrrrrring. What would Samantha do in this situation?

"As you've requested - I will have a remedy in place by the time the party starts."


"Commander - my diary?"

"Once everyone is better - you'll get it back. I give it a B+ on content. Some interesting gossip - needs more descriptive words. Until then."

"Son of a targ - I thought there was gonna be an open bar." B'Elanna sighed. Looking beautiful was hard and it made her cranky. Wearing an off the shoulder, black, form fitting dress - all eyes focused on the lieutenant. B'Elanna smiled as Seven approached her. Their volatile relationship had developed into a caring friendship. (How sweet)

"B'Elanna, I believe they are still setting up the bar. I had them fix you something in the meantime."

Putting the cup to her lips, "I can't believe you remembered."

Blushing, "How could I forget." B'Elanna looked around - time to change the subject now.

"That's a really great dress. The color really brings out your eyes."

"Thank-you. I was unsure of my selection."

"Come on. You have great taste."

"That's nice to hear from someone who always looks stunning."

"Seven, are you flirting with me?" Seven smiled, placing a well-intentioned hand on the lieutenant's firm thigh.

"Why... did you want me to?"

Now it was the lieutenant's turn to blush.

Neelix shook his head - geez people - get a room already. "Lieutenant, Seven - the bar is now open. Thank-you for being patient."

"Thank-you Neelix." Seven dropped her lusty gaze and cocked a non sexy eyebrow at the Talaxian. She only saves sexy eyebrow quirks for the lieutenant.

Chakotay picked a table near the stage and invited Janeway to sit down. She looked elegant in white and began walking over. Chakotay gave up all thoughts of conversation when Janeway put a patch on her face. At first, it was bizarre. As she had begun to snake out her tongue to lick it - that was the last straw. Our hero - looked to the stage to keep that disturbing imagery away. She sat down and tugged at his sleeve but he wouldn't look.

"You look really handsome in that suit. That tie really brings out your eyes." Harry tried hard to keep the longing he felt out of his voice.

"Harry, you're gonna spoil me. So many compliments in one day - I must be pretty lucky." Tom sighed, "you look pretty good too."

Neelix rolled his eyes - geez people - get it on already. "I'm sorry to interrupt. Here is the box you requested, Harry. Mr. Paris - I think you're needed on stage."

Hmmm - who are we missing. Neelix put a hand to his forehead as Voyager's resident vulcan walked in.

"Tuvok, you look stunning. There are not many vulcans that can pull off the color red." Neelix sighed, get me off this lame tug boat.

"Thank-you, Neelix. This dress accentuates my best features - my legs." Tuvok smiled, finally someone who could understand.

"Neelix - you're wanted on stage. If you're nice - I'll save the first dance for you." The vulcan let out a girlish giggle and sat down near the stage.

As Tom and Neelix approached the stage to explain the importance of the festival. Our hero sighed - borrrrrrrrring. Like any good hero type - he hummed I'm Every Woman until they finally stopped talking.

"and now the stage is open for karaoke." Finally.

Chakotay walked up to the stage, made his musical selection, and changed his clothes. Our hero broached the stage in red leather pants, fierce combat boots, and an Annie Lennox inspired wig. After leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of sisters are doin' it for themselves, Chakotay changed into black leather pants and a Selena inspired wig to belt out Dreaming of You.

Wolf whistles abounded. Yeah, that's right. Our hero is hot stuff.

After explaining that Madonna was ten percent Talaxan/Talaxian/or something similar, Neelix belted out Papa Don't Preach and a saucy rendition of Love Profusion. Janeway bounded up the stairs next, at least they had Liz Phair.

Our hero sighed, he was all sweaty. Slipping out the back, Chakotay stepped inside his quarters for a quick shower. Changing into something appropriate, Chakotay slipped back in.

Before he could stop himself, Chakotay blurted, "Oh for furk's sake." upon seeing Tuvok romance Neelix with a naughty rendition of Erotica. Fighting the urge to vomit - Chakotay focused his attention to the stage.

Seven approached the stage, made her musical selection, and put on a Cher inspired wig. Our hero sighed. Can't things be easy. Chakotay put his head in his hands and attempted to send a psychic message to the former borg drone - do not sing Half-Breed, do not sing Half-Breed.

Seven surprised everyone with an awe-inspiring rendition of Emotional Fire. Chakotay put a hand to his heart, "thank goodness."

"Do I have to?" B'Elanna questioned a perturbed Janeway.

"Everyone has belted something out, even Tuvok. Get on stage lieutenant." Janeway sighed, it would be a long time before she could hear Erotica without the frightening imagery.

B'Elanna walked slowly to the stage and stared at the musical selection for a long period of time. "I can't believe I'm doing this." Taking a deep breath, the lieutenant belted out a beautiful rendition of Run to You, even Whitney Houston would have been proud.

"That was beautiful." Seven approached the lieutenant as she left the stage.

"You're beautiful." B'Elanna replied with a new awareness.

Borrrrrrrring. Grabbing the room's attention, our hero states that everyone needs to sit down. As part of the Harvest Festival tradition - everyone needs to tell at least one thing that has become more clear to them. Neelix looks at him quizzically but goes with it anyway. Who cares.

Captain Janeway goes first, removing her coffee-be gone patches as she speaks. "I've realized that I don't need coffee and never did. I also think I have feelings for my second in command that I haven't dealt with."

Chakotay laughs, get in line.

Neelix speaks next. "I have realized why my food has been tasting darn near awful. I lost the ability to determine salty food - but that sense has seemed to come back tonight."

Chakotay sighs - can we get on with this people. Fighting the urge to nap - he looks to the smoochy figures in the back.

"I take it that Tom has realized that he and B'Elanna were not a good fit and that he has feelings for Harry and Harry has realized that his affections for Tom were worthwhile and would be returned."


"Sorry, no startling revelations for me." Throwing a randy look Neelix's way. Neelix replies with a nervous smile.

"B'Elanna and Seven?"

Our hero sighs - this is gonna be long. Humming his favorite tune, I'm Every Woman, he waits for their mouths to stop moving. Someone takes a breath, our hero stops humming.

"I can't believe that you feel the same way about me too. Us being friends-"

More humming - twenty minutes slowly edge by.

"And that's our revelation." B'Elanna stares lovingly at Seven, interlocking their fingers, placing a chaste kiss on the former borg drone's lips. Would tonight be the night? Seven sighed - for furk's sake - I hope so.

Chakotay sighed, another mystery solved. It was hard being a hero.

The End

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