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ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

A Turbo-lift Tale
By Michael, Kris and Tina LaMarch


Inside Turbo-lift 21 alpha

"So B'Elanna would you like sex?"

"Yes please Seven!"

Thirty Minuets later:

"Thank you; same time next week?"

"Yes Please!"

One week later:

"Oh God B'Elanna!

"I have a bone to pick with you Seven. Hold turbo-lift."


"You seriously asked Paris for pointers on sex?"

"He is most efficient. Sex between you two rarely took more than five minutes and eventually the long maintenance routines we initiate in the various turbo-lifts will be noticed."

"Seven. One; how do you know about the five minutes; and two...sex and efficiency. Stop that madness now."

"Everyone on Deck 9, Section 12...."

"Stop.... so find us a place where we won't be noticed having loud and lengthy bumping of biologies already."

"Captain's Quarters- Alpha shift. Ensign Kim's Quarters- Gamma shift, Astrometrics- Beta and Gamma Shifts, Shuttle Bay...."

"Wait, wait.... there's a list?"

"There is a substantial list."

B'Elanna grinned. "I do like a challenge. What comes first alphabetically on this shift?"

"Captain's Quarters."

"We who are about to- Turbo-lift- Deck 3."

B'Elanna looked incredulously at her lover. "Let me get this right you want to build a mock turbo-lift car, transport it to various parts of Voyager so that we can have kinky sex?"

"Correct B'Elanna."

"Sweetie, the idea was to have kinky sex in different places."

"It's true B'Elanna, but for some reason, I feel attached to lift car 21 alpha."

B'Elanna suppressed a laugh, knowing it would upset, instead she perched on the desk in her office, and grabbed Seven's meshed covered hand. "I know it's where we finally succumbed to our primal needs, as you put it!"

She took the padd, which Seven was holding. "Look why don't we concentrate on us."

"You mean go on a date?"

"Yes Seven I mean a date, will you be my girlfriend?"

"I would like that?" The blond answered shyly.

"Good, come to my quarters at 19.00 hrs."

"B'Elanna it's 18.55."

"Well we better hurry up or we will be late!"

"I will comply," Seven replied, and went to pick the padd up.

B'Elanna playfully slapped her hand away. "I think we should keep this for a rainy day."

"A sound idea Lt!"

"Thought you might like that," B'Elanna replied with a smirk.

"So let me get this straight... you were determined to keep the turbo-lift in our sex life so you designed..."

"A way to turn turbo-lift 21-alpha into a transportation device."

"And this came up how?"

"When Mr. Paris saw that I failed to be impressed by Satan's robot, he introduced me to another 20th century series, Doctor Who."


"That's right."

B'Elanna rubbed her forehead ridges. "You realize that you have now actually put more effort into our sex life than into speeding Voyager up?"

"It seems the more worthwhile endeavour. B'Elanna? Where might one find a police telephone box?"

"Outside a museum? Can't think of anyplace."

"Please put the museum on the list."

"It's in the Alpha Quadrant?"

"We must have goals."

B'Elanna grinned broadly. "Let's put my cousin's house on the list."

Seven tilted her head. "Why?"

"She swore I'd never get laid."

"We will list it twice then."

Captain Jack Harkness watched in amusement, as two ladies tried to pick the lock of the TARDIS door; they looked startled, as the door swung open.

"Excuse me?" the head of Torchwood III asked, "Why are you trying to break into the TARDIS?"

The tall blond recovered her composure first. "We would like to copy this temporal vehicle's Time Vector Generator, and Block Computational Generator."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because we would like to transform turbo-lift 21-alpha into a transportation device." The blond one answered.

"Ok!" Jack replied, confused.

"I'm sorry about the bluntness of my companion, but we want to utilize turbo-lift 21-alpha, as a moveable sex-lift." The shorter brunette butted in.

"Pardon?" Was all Jack could say, as he was even more confused than before.

"Look, lets start at the beginning, my name is B'Elanna Torres, and this tall blond bombshell is my partner, hopefully one day wife, Seven of Nine."

"Hi, Captain Jack Harkness, pleased to make your acquaintance," the former time agent responded.

B'Elanna, swept her hand though her hair, "Right err the reason we want to copy your Time vector generator, and Block computational generator, is this…"

And the diminutive Klingon began to explain their desire to perform kinky sex, alphabetically throughout Voyager, and their fondness for turbo-lift 21-alpha.

"Why didn't you say before, you want to transform it into a passion wagon?"

Seven accessed her cortical implant. "That would be an appropriate colloquialism."

B'Elanna looked quizzical.

"I'll explain later," Seven answered.

"Well, the owner of this particular TARDIS is off helping a couple of Ood at the present, and as the tech is centuries more advanced than yours, he'll kill me if I allowed you to copy it, but I can think of a middle option."

"And what would that entail Captain Harkness?"

"How about having sex onboard a trans-dimensional timeship?"

B'Elanna looked quite excited at the prospect, but Seven was a little unsure. "We would not be onboard turbo-lift 21-alpha."

"That could be arranged!" Jack ran around the large hexagonal console, flicking switches, pulling levers, and twisting knobs, like a mad man. He pulled on a lever, which B'Elanna was convinced was a hand brake. There was a wheezing and groaning noise, and the innards of the vast crystalline column, that attached the console to the ceiling above it, stated to move up and down.

After a second or so, the wheezing and groaning stopped, and a portal to a turbo-lift appeared, in a roundel covered TARDIS wall.

Seven, B'Elanna and Jack moved over to the portal, and Jack pressed a touch pad, summoning the lift. The door whooshed open, revealing a dazed ensign Kim.

"Ensign Kim, please remove yourself from this turbo-lift, Lt Torres and I would like to perform non-reproductive sex within its confines."

"Ok," Harry replied in a daze, and stepped out of the lift. He only had time to step clear, when Seven barged passed him, pulling B'Elanna in behind her.

Jack looked at Harry Kim appreciatively. "Hi," he flirted, "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, they may be some time, let me show you somewhere we can get more comfortable, whilst we are waiting."

Jack put his arm around an unsuspecting Harry's shoulder, and led him into the heart of the TARDIS.

It was over a year since Harry, B'Elanna and Seven came across the TARDIS, and a space/time paradox, named Captain Jack Harkness. The encounter had changed the lives of the three Voyager crew, particularly one Harry Kim.

The young ensign had discovered that the reason that he had no luck with women, was that he was not interested in them, no, as his partner had crudely put it, he was a 'dick,' man, and only one 'dick' would ever satisfy him, and that was Tom Paris.

Now a year later, and it was Valentine's Day. The two couples sat on the sofa, in the Paris/Kim quarters; intently watching the Replica Television set that B'Elanna and Seven had made Tom for his birthday.

However in place of the usual mid C20th programmes, that more often than not played on the contraption, a two dimensional picture of the interior of turbo-lift 21- beta was being shown instead.

"So how do you like your Valentine's present schnokums?" Tom asked Harry, whilst giving him a peck on the cheek.

"I love it Tom, but don't you think we should release him?"

"Why should we, after all he's done to split us up!"

"Tom's right Starfleet," B'Elanna popped in, from her comfy position of Seven's lap. "Chakotay has spent the last twelve odd months…"

"Twelve months, twenty-Seven day, fifteen hours, thirty-five seconds." Seven added, with a hint of anger in her voice.

"Twelve months, twenty-Seven day, fifteen hours, thirty-five seconds," B'Elanna repeated, "Trying to split you and Tom, and me and Soch apart, just so he can 'make Seven straight!'"

"He deserves everything he gets!" Seven stated, with cold anger "What he did today was the last straw."

During the closing hours of Gamma Shift, Commander Chakotay had 'accidentally' overloaded both holo-decks. It had taken Harry, Tom, Seven and B'Elanna all day to fix the problem, ruining their first Valentine's Day with their respective partners. Seven wanted revenge, but it was Tom that came up with the plan.

The quartet paid attention to the TV, when Chakotay made a piercing girly scream. "Now Susan, I think we can discuss this like adults!"

"Don't I excite you Chakotay?" Nicoletti asked, rubbing the dildo strapped to her crotch. "I've heard you are such a big boy Cmdr, why don't you show me?"

"How did you get them to join in?" Harry asked Tom.

"Susan was easy to get onboard," Tom answered.

"But what about the captain? I thought she would be against her wife doing this."

"Oh hon., you know my persuasive skills!" Tom retorted, waggling his eyebrows.

Harry slapped his partner on the arm. "Seriously Tom!"

"It didn't take much, in fact she was all for it, on one condition, that she has a live feed, direct to her quarters, and has the control over the lift."

"I never thought the Captain had it an her!"

"You better believe it!" B'Elanna muttered under her breath, with only Seven catching the comment.

The former drone cocked a quizzical eyebrow at B'Elanna, who gave her a look, which Seven rightly interpreted to 'Not now!'

"Where did Susan get the leather bondage gear from?" B'Elanna enquired, whilst stuffing her mouth with a hand full of popcorn.

Seven glanced at the padd that the captain had given them, before the start of the evening's entertainment. "Lt Nicoletti appeared to get the bondage gear from Ensign Vorik!"

"Vorik!" B'Elanna exclaimed, spraying Seven with a mouthful of Popcorn.

Seven gave B'Elanna a pained look, and overly dramatised the fact of brushing the popcorn from her clothes.

B'Elanna didn't notice it, or at least ignored the gesture, as she continued to digest Seven's little tit-bit of information. "What in the name of Kahless' Self-sealing Stem Bolt would Vorik want with female bondage gear?"

"Once, when I was cleaning out the holo-programs on holodeck one, I found him interacting with the holo-play version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show!" Harry commented, as the beginning of an explanation.

"Harry Kim, there is no female bondage gear in the Rocky Horror Picture Show!"

"There is in the C21st Porn version!"

B'Elanna whistled in surprise, "Well it's always the quite ones!"

"I … I don't want to get on the wrong side of your wife." Chakotay stammered clearly terrified of the approaching Engineering Lt.

"Come now Cmdr, you would love to get into a threesome with us. Just think, two beautiful ladies servicing your every need!"

At this the former Marquis Commander got unintentionally aroused.

Susan yanked his uniform trousers down, "My you are a big boy!" She exclaimed, looking at the bulge in his Mickey Mouse Y – fronts.

"Lt please don't do this I beg of you, I'm your commanding officer!"

Just then the doors of the turbo-lift whooshed open, and Chakotay divided out of the lift. The transmission faded as a laughing Susan Nicoletti watched the Cmdr hobble down the corridor, with his trousers around his ankles.

"Janeway to Seven of Nine. Janeway to Seven of Nine."

It took of few minuets, for Seven to hear the voice coming out of her, comm. badge.

"Go ahead Captain."

Janeway smirked; she could here the laughter coming from the Paris/Kim quarters.

"I take it you liked the lift programme?"

"We did captain. Please thank Susan for us Kathryn."

"I will Seven, but it was our pleasure. Ladies and Gentlemen have a good evening, but don't get too drunk. I want to see you bright eyed and bushy tailed at the staff meeting at 09.00 hrs."

"We won't Kathryn, Seven out."

The doors to the Captain's quarters opened, and Susan walked in wearing a Silk blue Kimono, over the bondage gear, the dildo had disappeared, and Kathryn was excited to find out where.

"I haven't had so much fun for ages!" The engineer exclaimed, bursting into a fit of giggles. "I..."

She was interrupted by a searing kiss by her captain and wife. "I…" She started gasping for air, and the sensation of Kathryn nibbling her neck. "I need to change out of this, the leather is chaffing me!"

"Let me help you." Kathryn replied and dragged her wife into the bedroom.

It was a couple of months since the 'Chakotay incident,' and so far the Cmdr had not retaliated.

Things on the good ship Voyager had steeled down, particularly for the resident female lovebirds, B'Elanna and Seven.

However three of their below decks friends were very ill, so they had come up with a plan to cheer them up, particularly as tonight was VJB's 10th Anniversary party, and they could not attend …

The doors to the turbo- lift hissed open, and Lt Rachel stepped in, dressed as Servalan, from Blake's Seven, toped by a pair of disco boppers, holding back her hair. She had told her quarter-mates Erin & Lisa, that she was dressed as Servalan going to a 1980's disco.

The Lt was on her way to the VJB 10th Anniversary fancy dress party, (come as your favourite non Star Trek Sci-fi Character), where she found B'Elanna & Seven busily looking at a data padd.

"Hey guys can you shift over a bit, I'm still in the door sensor."

B'Elanna & Seven took no notice of the young Lt, so she asked again, a little louder "Guys!"

Seven looked up from the padd, and noticed Rachel. She pulled B'Elanna over to one side, and the fan fiction writing Lt stepped further into the lift.

"I apologise Lt, we were distracted."

Seven looked at Rachel's attire. "Lt why are you dressed as the psychotic Federation President and Supreme Commander from Terry Nation's 1970's Sci-fi classic Blake's Seven?"

"You mean why am I dressed like Servalan?"


"It's the VJB 10th Anniversary Party tonight."

Rachel saw that the two Engineer Warriors were still in uniform. "I take it you have forgotten?"

"No Lt we have not, we have an errand to run before we come."

"What are you reading? More Klingon porn?" Rachel joked, and she could swear she could see a slight touch of pink on Seven's face.

"Not quite, Rachel, we are reading turbo-lift stories, and some of them are a bit of a turn on." B'Elanna explained, a tad embarrassed, and handed her the padd

Rachel looked at the list of holo-fics on the padd, they were all by VJB writers, including: Alastria7, Sparx, Katrina, TJ, Quew, Cirroco DeSade, DiNovia and herself. Also on the list, were Da Bunny, Michael and Kris' still unfinished Turbo-lift tales.

"Why are you looking at Turbo-lift stories?" lazydevil69 asked. They had just stopped at deck 13, and a bunch of VJB'ers had got on

"Well," B'Elanna started to explain, "Kris, Michael and Widdy are quite ill…"

"Yes poor lambs, Karla interrupted, none of them have been on sub-space twitter for a while."

"Yes; Michael & I were goanna watch the six nations together." AP Stacey added, and muttered under his breath 'Scottish Rugby Union couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag!'

B'Elanna gave the VJB'ers a glare, and continued, "So we thought we would write a turbo-lift story. To cheer them up."

"Is there goanna be a lot of Tom bashing?" Katrina Belu asked.

Seven gave her a disdainful look. "In this franchise Tom is our friend!"

"Ok Seven; sorry I spoke! Sesh!"

B'Elanna felt sorry for the crewman, "don't worry Katrina, I still think you will like it." She took the padd back from Rachel, opened up a page, and started to read out loud…

Chakotay was ready.

After six months of meticulous planning and doctoring of B'Elanna and Seven's holodeck programmes. He was ready.

The next time the two bitches had uber-sex, in a holodeck turbo-lift, then they would pay. All they had to do was push this….












He screamed as the bottom of the lift disappeared and he got sucked into the vacuum of space.

B'Elanna dragged her finger through her collar with a snort. "These damned uniforms are so damned tight at the neck."

Seven turned and pulled down a bundle. "If you do not wish for these proceedings to be uncomfortable, may I suggest we consider Alternative Number Three?"

Casting a suspicious glance at the PADD handed to her from the bundle, B'Elanna set to reading. She began to giggle, moving right up the scale to a guffaw that shook the bulkheads. "Um no," she said regretfully as she handed back the PADD.

It barely touched Seven's fingers before she pulled it back. "On the other hand, it would be worth it to see Janeway...."

Seven's implant rose.

"Her face." B'Elanna giggled as she began pulling at her uniform jacket. "You call. I don't think I can be logical and hold a straight face."

"I will comply," her fiancé replied lightly.

The next day Seven and B'Elanna found themselves standing in the Turbo-lift o' Love in front of Janeway and with a mob of friends and loved ones standing in the lift and corridor beyond looking on with tears of happiness as they watched the proceedings, except for Naomi Wildman who was attending with a blindfold on. It wouldn't do for her to see the naked wedding party after all. (Author: What? Seven COULD have assimilated a Betazoid making naked weddings cultural for her and hey! Tell me you didn't want to see this end with them nekkid?)

"You may kiss the bride," Captain Janeway called out above the cheers and the bets on how long it would take the two women to break down the Turbo-lift O'Love on their honeymoon.

The End

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