DISCLAIMER: Star Trek Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my reaction to RalSt's spam/junk mail challenge (2004), but it soon developed into me also poking fun at Paramount. Oh, let me give you an 'I don't know what I'm doing' warning. When I started to write this I only had about four lines of text in my head, the rest I made up as I went along.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Viagra at a mere 3% interest if you react in the next ten minutes
By H.W.
Janeway sighed and drummed her fingers on the console in front of her. She had been standing in Astrometrics for the last 45 minutes. "How much longer?"
"Download is 96 percent completed, I estimate five more minutes," Seven, the second of the four people in Astrometrics, said.
Hearing that it wouldn't be much longer, Chakotay stood up from the steps he had been sitting on and came closer. "Somehow this isn't what I had expected when I heard that we were finally able to get messages on a regular basis from Starfleet."
"Who would?" B'Elanna, the last person in Astrometrics asked. "Nobody would have expected... this. This problem was eradicated millennia ago. Hell, when we left the Federation, hardly anyone knew what the word meant."
"Download completed," Seven interrupted. "We have received almost six-hundred-thousand terabyte of data."
"Damn, even more than last time," Janeway cursed.
"Alright, let's see what we got, Seven, why don't you go to our folder and see what downloaded?" B'Elanna suggested, putting a hand on Seven's arm.
"We are lucky," Seven stated after a moment. "We merely got sixteen thousand messages in our BS folder."
"BS?" Janeway asked.
B'Elanna nodded her head. "Yeah, depending on from who the message is, that either stands for B'Elanna-Seven, or for bullshit."
"B'Elanna, this might actually be interesting for you," Seven who had been scanning the subject headers said. "You always complain about the fact that you are shorter than me. This message says that you can gain three inches in a mere week by using some kind of patch."
B'Elanna opened the message and was greeted by a full size color image of a penis standing in proud erection. "Hon, somehow I don't think that you want me to gain length in that particular area of my body."
"You are correct," Seven agreed while quickly deleting the message, only to have it be replaced by a message offering her a brand-new Mercedes X-L VI two-seater sports shuttle for a mere three hundred credits a month... if she gave a ninety thousand credit down payment, which she was sure to get back in a month.
"I don't think so," B'Elanna said, deleting that message as well. She looked at the next message for a moment and snorted. "Now THAT we really don't need."
"What is it?" Chakotay asked.
"Viagra, now better than ever. This herbal extract works even better than the original," B'Elanna read out loud.
"You are correct," Seven agreed. "It takes us four hours every day to tire us out as it is; we do not need more stamina."
"You two have sex four hours every day?!" Janeway asked disbelievingly.
"Kathryn," B'Elanna said in an explaining tone. "There are stories being written about Seven and me in turbolifts, being stranded on away missions, having fun in 'interesting places' on Voyager. Oh, and there is the bed of course. It takes us four hours every day just to keep up with all that."
"Sometimes it is even six or eight hours," Seven added. "For some reason a lot of writers enjoy adding a mentioning of us making love through the night."
"Anyway, back to subject," B'Elanna said, feeling kinda sorry for Janeway. She knew that Janeway hardly got any since a lot of writers had discovered B/7 as the true pairing. But than, Janeway was still better off than the guys. She 'hardly' ever got any, the guys, like Chakotay, never got any at all. "Let's simplify this. Computer, delete all messages in the BS folder that have no subject."
{Fourteen thousand messages left.}
"Alright, also delete messages that incorporate the words; Viagra, horny, patch, inches, loan, low interest, free, lesbian, cute, and date."
A minute later the computer finally said, "Sixteen messages left."
"Oh, look at that," B'Elanna said amused. "It's a spam message from a company wanting to sell us a spam filter." Delete. "Fifteen actual messages for the both of us, not bad. What's that one?" B'Elanna wondered while she opened a message who's sender she didn't know.
"Find God or go to Hell?" Seven read in a questioning tone. "They are truly behind the facts are they not?"
"Why?" Chakotay asked, he had gotten that same message the week before, and he was still wondering if spirit guides could be seen as messengers from God.
"Because," B'Elanna answered, "Seven and I have been calling on God for the last six months now."
"Really?" Chakotay asked surprised. He would never have suspected B'Elanna to be looking for divine intervention.
"Sure," B'Elanna said with a straight face. "Seven always says 'God, oh God yes! When she com..."
"B'Elanna on the other hand," Seven interrupted. "Calls on God very seldom; she prefers to call on Kahless instead."
"Um, I think now would be a good time to get back to the bridge," Janeway spoke up. She really didn't need to be reminded that some people were getting a lot more action than she was.
While the four of them were walking to the turbolift, Chakotay wondered, "I still want to know how the hell Spam reappear. If memory serves me well, all Spammers were killed in the 2018 internet uprising."
"Well, I got the explanation for that in a secure message from Starfleet two weeks ago," Janeway said. "But since it was a secure message, and I'm not allowed to talk about it... I'll talk about it anyway. It seems that is was a last ditch attack from the Dominion. They got their hands on the addresses from everyone in the Federation address book, and they sold it to the Ferengi. They were hoping that the Federation computers would be overloaded with the Spam."
"So what happened?" B'Elanna asked.
"The Dominion forgot that they were on that list as well. They also got Spammed and their inferior computers overloaded before the spam became a real problem in the Federation. So, the Federation won the Dominion war, but even the Federation has problems stopping the Spammers."
They had just entered the turbolift when the red alert claxon sounded and a voice was heard over the communicators, {Red alert, Captain to the bridge, and like, five minutes ago would be a good time.}
"You let Ensign Noname in charge of the bridge?" Janeway asked Chakotay disbelievingly.
"Yeah," Chakotay agreed. "I had a feeling that we would get a lot of Spam again, I wanted to give everyone as soon as possible a chance to clean the crap out. So I let Ensign Noname in charge of the bridge, and Ensign Redshirt in charge of the helm."
"Why those two?" Janeway asked.
"Well," Since Noname is a Noname, he never gets any Spam massages. It seems that the Spammers have never figured out that Noname actually is a name. And it seems that they don't bother to sent Redshirt Spam. Figuring that he can't buy the stuff anyway."
"Why not?" Janeway asked surprised. "Redshirt is a well-known Federation name. There hasn't been a ship yet that doesn't have a Redshirt on it."
"Well, as you know, Redshirt is from a really short lived race. It is really uncommon for them to live as long as our Redshirt has. Normally they die on the first mission."
"That's true," Janeway agreed. "But that is probably because with us it is always the Nonames that die."
"True," Chakotay agreed while the doors from the turbolift (which had conveniently taken just as long to get to the bridge as the conversation had lasted) opened.
"Report," Janeway barked. She loved the fact that these lower ranks actually still jumped at her bark.
"Captain, four Borg cubes had just dropped out of transwarp."
As if on cue a message was heard. (It indeed was on cue, since there was no use to send a message if the Captain wasn't on the Bridge to react shocked to the message).
{We are the Borg. We're big, we're bad, and we're here to stay. Resistance is futile, please take a number and wait to be assimilated.}
"Shields up, and ready weapons," Janeway said, deciding not to bark anymore, since it didn't even get a raised eyebrow from the senior staff these days. And she really didn't need to hear Chakotay ask her if she didn't have her coffee yet.
{Your number is up, prepare to be boarded. Please refrain from using the escape pods, it is always so tiresome to catch those again.}
"Alright, We'll never win a fight with four cubes unless we have some Paramount writer come up with some lame ass reason why we can win. Do we have any part time Paramount writers on board that could help us out?"
Chakotay leaned over and whispered, "Um, Kathryn, remember, we left them behind on that asteroid when they wanted us to make studying a black hole more interesting by flying into it."
"Oh, damn, I forgot that. Alright, we don't have any other choice, ready the secret weapon."
"Do you think that's wise?" Chakotay whispered, coming a little closer still.
"Chakotay, stop getting into my chair, there is no way that I'm letting you as close as you want to be." Not waiting for a reply, Janeway ordered, "Send over the secret weapon I created, now."
"Sending," Harry said from his station, and just so that everyone knew what was going on, they all could hear the 'secret weapon.'
{Hi, this is Captain Kathryn Janeway. I'm sorry, but I'm not home right now, please leave your number after the tone, and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you. Beeep.}
"Really, Chakotay, how could that not work?" Janeway asked, wondering what he had been thinking. Janeway's plans always worked, everyone knew that.
"Incoming message, it's from the Borg Queen." Harry said before letting everyone hear it.
{Janeway, you better open this channel, or else I will tell everyone what we did the last time we got drunk together.}
"Um, maybe I better take this," Janeway mumbled. "Harry open the channel for real this time, and please do make it seem as if there is a difference between receiving and sending messages, and actually having an open channel."
"Done Captain."
"Janeway here. What do you want? Damn it, I told you to not call me here."
{This is business baby.... so let me go be the bad Borg here.}
"Oh, sure, go right ahead."
{Right, um. We require your help. You will assist us, or you will be destroyed, resistance is futile.}
"Still?" Janeway asked.
{Still what?} The Queen asked on turn.
"The resistance is futile crap. I mean, you say that all the time, and we still come out winning."
{Beat's me. You have to ask Paramount that one. It's simply in our contract. We have to say it at least three times is an episode, or a story, which ever it happens to be.}
"Well, you got one more to go than. Anyway, why do you need our help, and what's in it for me?"
{We will not tolerate noncompliance. You will assist, resistance is futile. There that was three times. And what's in it for you? How about a long, hot, sweaty, and wet night with you private Borg Queen?}
"She's not the smartest is she?" Chakotay asked, knowing that the computer would mysteriously make sure that the Borg could not hear him even though Janeway had an open line with them. "I mean, sweaty and wet is totally the same."
"Um, no," Janeway said, blushing slightly. "Sweaty and wet are two totally different things, but if you are lucky they happen at the same time."
"Anyway," Chakotay said, not getting it. "It sounds like you know the Queen a lot better then we normally see in the episodes."
"What ever gave you that idea?" Janeway asked before getting back to the matter at hand and addressing the Borg. "Um, as tempting as that offer is, I meant, what's in it for Voyager?"
{Ah, well, see, we need your help in the Federation. If you help us, we could give you a piggyback ride through one of our transwarp conduits all the way to the Federation.}
"Impossible," Janeway accused. "Everyone knows that we have to be stranded in the Delta Quadrant. So in the end you won't help us home."
{Kathryn, baby, 'Voyager the series' is over anyway. This is just a story. We could help you home, and the next writer would simply have you back in the Delta Quadrant again.}
"Oh. Right, well why don't you beam over here, I'm sure the writer is sick and tired of having to use those damn brackets every time you talk. Once you are here, I can try to outsmart you, you will then make it hard for me, and then I'll still come out on top."
{Yes, baby, I know that you like to be on top. Alright, be prepared to be totally dazed by the brilliance of the Borg. Just for effect, I will beam over while you still have your shields up.}
"You sure you don't know her better than you let on?" Chakotay asked while the sound of a transporter could be heard.
"Um, we have a guest Chakotay."
When the transporter was finally finished everyone was totally amazed to have a hot and stunning woman standing there in snug formfitting clothing, that was actually hugging a great body. Everyone, even Seven, agreed that the Borg Queen could give Seven a run for her money in the looks department. Well, okay, B'Elanna only thought she looked nice, even in this fic, B'Elanna only had eyes for Seven.
"What the hell?" Chakotay asked amazed. "What happened to the Borg body armor, the green tint, and the shiny oily skin?"
The Queen only waved her had dismissively. "Oh, please. This is just a story. Do you really think that I would go through all the makeup just to look nasty while the readers can't see it anyway? Besides Kathy really likes blondes, and since I want to get some later, I'm sure not going to show up balled."
"Kathryn, I really get the feeling that you know her better than you are letting on. You sure that you didn't see her in those two months that you were on that cube?"
"Oh, come on, Chakotay. You know how happy I was to be off that cube."
"Yeah," Chakotay said relieved. "You were very happy when you came back from being captured. In fact, you are whistling, humming and smiling every since."
"Alright, now would be a good time to go to the conference room," Janeway smartly said. Chakotay was in such a state of denial that she didn't want to get him out of it.
"So, what's the problem?" Janeway asked once they were sitting around the table.
"This," The Queen said while throwing a PADD onto the table.
"Now cheaper than ever," Janeway read out loud. "Get your prescription medicine for bottom prices."
"You too?" Seven asked. "Now I am truly glad I am no longer a part of the collective."
"Your address was in the Federation database?" Janeway asked disbelievingly.
"Not just mine. You remember that Picard was part of the Borg for some time? Well he knew the address from every single drone in the collective, and they had all of those names in the database. Can you imagine getting Spam messages for six hundred trillion drones?"
"If you got so many drones, why don't you just overrun the Federation with them?" B'Elanna asked. "I always wondered about that."
"Oh please," The Queen said. "Like the writers would ever let us do that. I mean, sure would could do that in five minutes flat, but with no more Federation, there would be no more Star Trek series, therefore no more Star Trek writers, and therefore no more Borg. It is bad enough that we will most probably not be in the new series. I mean, we first had contact with the Federation in The Next Generation series. I really don't know how they would be able to incorporate the Borg into Enterprise, a series that happened more than two hundred years before Picard ever met us."
"Don't worry baby," Janeway said comforting, "I'm sure that once they run out of ideas, they will find a way to incorporate the Borg into the series."
"You think so?" The queen asked hopefully.
"I'm certain. Do you really think that they could come up with another 'bad guy' if they still have you?"
"Well, in that case, I'll wait for the writers to contact me," The Queen said relieved. "Anyway, back to the Spam crap. We will help you home if you will help us find those damn spammers so that we can assimilate them."
"Why for all the coffee in the universe would you what those morons in your Collective?" Janeway wondered.
"Because it is part of the challenge for this story of course. We will just assimilate them, and forget about them. Leave them plugged in, but switched off."
"That would work," Seven agreed.
"Alright, sounds fair. Let's do that," Janeway said. "Um, Chakotay, why don't you go out there and take a close look at those Borg cubes."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," He said, not getting that he was being sent away. "We don't want them the try something."
"You two are in a relationship?" B'Elanna asked when the four women were the only ones left.
"Well, yeah," Janeway agreed. "I figured that since I couldn't have Seven, I might as well find myself a new Borg to play with."
"And since she couldn't have the cool ice Princes, she decided to go up the ladder one, and find herself a hot Queen instead," The Queen added smugly.
"But since they are supposed to be our mortal enemies, we are keeping it quiet," Janeway added to make the explanation complete.
"So, do you think it will be difficult to get rid of those Spammers?" Seven asked.
"I doubt it," Janeway said thoughtfully. "This story is getting too long as it is, I'm sure we will find it really easy to succeed."
"Then we better get going," B'Elanna suggested.
"One moment," Janeway spoke up. "We are four hot women, sitting in a conference room where we won't be interrupted if we don't want to. Are you ladies interested in a wild foursome? Maybe that way I finally get a shot at Seven."
"I'm sorry, Kathryn," B'Elanna said sincere. "We would love to give in to your not so secret urges, but this story is written by a B/7 writer and we would never get away with it. We would be interrupted in some way, I'm sure."
"Hmm, you are probably right," Janeway agreed. "And the writer did team me up with a hot Queen as it is. I'm sure that if I play it right, I might actually be getting some on a regular bases. I don't want to jeopardize that for a one time romp."
"And besides baby," The Queen said comforting. "There still are the holodecks. Once this story is over you and me can go into holodeck and create some look-alikes and we can have your foursome."
"Really?" Janeway said with a face splitting smile.
"Sure, I have their patterns on file from the last time they beamed onto a cube. It will be just like being with them."
"Um, we really don't need to hear this," B'Elanna interrupted. "Could we move this story along please?"
"Right," Janeway said and the group went back to the bridge. Once she was sitting in her Captain's chair again, she asked, "How long will it take us to get to the Federation using your transwarp?"
"Well, since this is a story, that really depends on the writer," The Queen said. "It could take us one hour, or it could take us a day. But at the moment, my memory tells me it will take an hour."
"And how long does it take if I were to promise to no longer lust after Seven?" Janeway asked hopefully.
"Hmm, now my memory tells me, it would take sixteen hours," The Queen said before asking. "Why?"
"Well, I was thinking of offering you the guest quarters for the night, baby. For this story, there is a very convenient door between the guest quarters and the Captain's quarters."
"Ah, well, now I know for sure, it takes sixteen hours... if you promise to no longer lust after Seven."
"Oh, alright. Now let's make a convenient jump to us arriving in the Federation."
"Ho, wait a minute," The Queen objected.
"What?" Janeway asked.
"You have to do this properly, baby. Wait, let me do this." The Queen cleared her throat and than spoke in a voiceover voice.
Seeing that it would take sixteen hours to get back to the Federation, everyone retired for the night. Except for Chakotay, who stayed on the bridge the entire time. Once in her quarters, Janeway was quick to open the door and let the Queen into her quarters, where they had hot sex the entire night. Neither of them getting any sleep. But Janeway did start calling on God that night.
"Wow, very good." Janeway agreed while she got up. But before they could leave the bridge, Seven cleared her throat and raised her eyebrow.
"What?" 7The Queen asked, and Seven merely pointed back and forth between B'Elanna and herself.
"Oh, right," The Queen said before speaking in her voiceover voice again.
But even though Janeway found God that night, it was noting compared to B'Elanna and Seven, who found God and Kahless six times each that night.
B'Elanna merely shook her head.
Um, I mean ten times each.
Once more a shaking of a Klingon head.
Fifteen?
Shake.
Twenty? But that is as far as I go. Even though this is fiction, nobody will believe that you actually shared forty orgasms between yourselves in one night.
"Well, alright, I guess it'll have to do," B'Elanna relented.
"Um, Kathryn," Chakotay said, somehow having totally missed the voiceover. "I think it would be better if I stayed on the bridge tonight, make sure those cubes behave."
"You do that, Chakotay. Now if you excuse me, I really need to get laid."
"Get laid? So you DO know her."
"Um, I misspoke. I mean, I really have to go to bed to get some... very satisfying... sleep."
"Ah, well in that case, enjoy your sleep while we jump to arriving in the Federation."
"Wow, we really did jump to arriving in the Federation," Janeway said while she walked to her Captain's chair.
"Are you alright?" Chakotay asked when he noticed that Janeway was walking a little funny.
"Oh, I'm very alright," Janeway assured with a big grin just as Seven and B'Elanna arrived on the bridge.
For some reason both women were also walking a little funny, and Chakotay was totally lost when B'Elanna walked over to the Queen (which had arrived with Janeway) and said, "You were right, forty was a little too much. Fun, but just a little too much. Thirty would have been great though."
"Told you," The Queen said smugly. "Cathy and I went for a mere ten each, but we at least enjoyed every one of them."
"Hey," B'Elanna objected. "Remember, this story is written by a B/7 writer, so we also enjoyed every single one. It's just that now we don't even have energy to move. Hell we didn't even have energy to get out of bed and get dressed."
"You didn't?" The Queen asked, looking the fully dressed Klingon up and down.
"Yeah, well, that's one of the plus sides of this being a story. We suddenly were dressed and in the turbolift, with enough energy to get us through the day. But I'm afraid that tonight Seven and I will only be able to sleep."
"Don't worry, since this is a story, I'm sure you will be getting some, despite having no energy. You could have been mortally wounded and still writers would find a way to let you have some hot sex," The Queen comforted.
"Yeah, but this writer wouldn't do that," B'Elanna said kinda sad.
"Don't worry, I'm sure you will get a nice fade to black, at least."
"Um, excuse me," Janeway interrupted. "Story getting too long, ring any bell?"
"Right," B'Elanna agreed. Despite still walking funny, she wanted the story over so that she and Seven could go and find some more interesting places to have sex.
"Um, before we go on," Tom suddenly said from the helm. "I think I must object. I haven't been mentioned once in this story."
"Be glad," Janeway said. "This story is meant to be some nonsense fun. And if you were in it, I'm sure that all kinds of things would happen to you."
"Oh, right," Tom agreed. Now that he had his token appearance, he was glad to go back to not being mentioned. He hadn't been killed yet that week, he would like to go for a record of two weeks. "Forget I said anything."
"Right," B'Elanna said to get the story going again. "So how do we find those Spammers? I mean, if the Dominion or the Federation couldn't, why would we be able to do it? We need some lame ass excuse."
They looked at each other for a moment before Seven spoke up. "I have a suggestion. We could use some techno babble to techno babble, and once we have done that it would be a mere case of techno babble the techno babble to the techno babble and than techno babble away from the techno babble."
"Seven is right," B'Elanna agreed. "But we have to make sure that we don't techno babble too much techno babble, or else the techno babble will cause the techno babble to techno babble and than we could loose the techno babble which would result in the techno babble blowing up in our face."
Seven nodded her head in agreement. "You are correct on the last part. But I am sure that if we first techno babble than this will not be a problem. After all, the techno babble has been used like that before. However, to stabilize the techno babble we first need some techno babble, and we do not have that."
"Oh, I have some of the techno babble you are looking for lying around on my cube," The Queen offered. "We could use that, it would make our working together even more impressive."
Captain," Seven offered, "If we could use some Borg techno babble this will be over in mere minutes."
"And it would explain why the Dominion and the Federation couldn't stop them while we could," Janeway said relieved. "They didn't have the Borg techno babble, and we do. So we will succeed. Alright, let's do that. Ready the techno babble."
Two hours later the techno babble was ready to be used. Which, of course they did.
"Anything?" Janeway asked.
"Yes," B'Elanna said relieved, glad that the techno babble had worked. "We have found the Spammers, they are located on Earth. There are quite some of them, but most are located in the U.S... oh, wait, that is now called; the northern hemisphere, in the former Americas."
"On Earth?" Janeway asked surprised. "I could have sworn that it would be at DS9, at Quark's bar. After all, he is a Ferengi."
"Well," Seven ventured to guess. "This story is finally closing down, and I guess the writer wants some last scene on Earth. So, the bad guys are conveniently located there as well."
"Of course," Janeway said while getting out of her chair. Well, since Earth is a ten hour trip away from here, helm, make sure that we have arrived by the time the away team has gathered in the transporter room. So you got ten minutes."
"Don't worry Captain," Tom said assuring. "Ten minutes is plenty of time to make that ten hour trip. We do that all the time."
"Um, Kathryn, are we really going to have to walk down there and than transport down?"
"I guess. Why, B'Elanna?"
"Well, I was thinking, we jumped to arriving in the Federation. Surely we could jump to arriving at the home of the biggest and baddest Spammer."
"I Don't know, B'Elanna. Last time I asked something from the writer, which was a hot night with my even hotter Borg Queen, I had to give up lusting after Seven. You know how hard that is? Could you give that up?"
"No," B'Elanna was forced to admit, "But than, I'm B'Elanna, I'm allowed to lust after Seven. Hell, it is required that I lust after her. But I was thinking, maybe if you were to promise to not live out that holodeck fantasy, we could, you know... jump. I really don't feel like walking much."
"I'm sorry, B'Elanna," Janeway said. "That price is too high. I want my shot at Seven. If I give that up totally, I want more in return than just a jump to some house."
"How about, a jump to a house, and the promise that you and your Queen here would live happy ever after?"
"You think the writer would go for that?" Janeway asked hopefully.
"Sure," B'Elanna said confidently. "The writer loves happy endings. I'm sure we could get away with that deal."
"Alright than. I agree."
"Cool, it worked," B'Elanna said delighted when they were all suddenly standing in some room of some house.
"Kathryn," Chakotay asked. "You sure you don't know that Queen better than you are letting on?"
"Oh, um, no Chakotay. I'm just willing to make every sacrifice to safe the Federation. Even if that means that I now have to have a lot of love and sex on a regular basis."
"Love?" Chakotay asked.
"Come on, you really didn't think that the writer would only give me some hot sex, did you? It's all about love and making love."
"But why is everyone talking about sex then?"
"Um, I didn't think you heard that," Janeway admitted lamely.
"Kathryn, I'm in denial; not deaf. I hear it, it just doesn't register with me. Just like I will somehow forget this conversation as soon as it is ended, and than still don't know that you two go at it from time to time."
"Oh, glad to hear that. And for the sex thing, well, the reason for that is simple, it sounds better. 'They went and had some hot sex,' sounds... well, hotter, than 'they went and had some hot making love.'"
"But Kathryn, why her, if you could have me? We shared something on that planet where we were stranded because of that infection."
"Chakotay, the only thing we shared was food. You know that. Come on, what did you expect? You are a character that is being written by someone that writes F/F stories. There is no chance in hell that you could score with any of the women on the ship. Now, why don't you just stand back, and wait for someone on the C/J lists to write you a nice story where we have some great sex."
"But Kathryn, what does she have that I don't? And, um, I really get some on those C/J lists?"
"Sure you do, but we won't go into that here. And as for what she has that you don't... Well, she has a nice rack that would give Seven a run for her money. She has a hot body, and knows how to use it. She likes my lame ass jokes. She loves to hear me talk. She has the accumulated sexual knowledge of ten thousand species, and knows all their positions. And let's not forget, she has detachable, and re-attachable... tools, and boy does she know how to use those." Janeway turned away from Chakotay to ask, "How many different... tools did you have again, baby?"
"69" The Queen said while rocking a little on her feet, knowing that nobody could beat that. Not even Seven. After all, a hot Queen was still higher than an ice Princes.
"Damn," Chakotay said impressed. "Oh, alright than, I'll shut up for now, and go back to my state of denial."
"Great," Janeway said. "Now, let's get this story over with."
And as if he had waited for it, which he had, a man walked into the room. "Hey, what do you want in my house? Didn't you see the sign outside? I don't buy stuff."
Looking down at the little man that only stood about three feet tall, Janeway said, "Um, maybe there is some mistake. We are here looking for a Spammer, and we heard that the biggest Spammer of them all lived here."
"Spam? I know nothing about Spam, now leave," The man said nervously.
"Um, why don't you tell us your name?" B'Elanna asked. "And just to get this story over with, tell us your real name."
"Oh, alright. My name is Head."
"Head?" Chakotay asked. "That's an interesting first name."
"It's my last name actually. My first name is Dick."
"Dick Head?" Janeway asked. "Hey, you are Dickhead. You were the only Spammer that got away in the internet uprising."
"That's right," The man agreed with a sneer. "And I have been waiting ever since to be able to do my wonderful job again... By the way, I got a great offer for you. For only ten credits, you can buy this little pill that gets you hard for hours on end."
Janeway looked down her own body before looking back at the man. "Do you think 'I' would need something to get me hard?"
"Well, no, but I have this other pill that will let you grow something to get hard, only costs, sixty credits."
"Alright, that's it," The Queen said while stepping closer. "I can accept people winning a battle with the Borg that they could never win. And I can accept the fact that we never came up with a way to assimilate the Federation, even though we had no trouble assimilating the ten thousand species we assimilated before meeting the Federation. But when you threaten to turn my hot woman into a guy, you crossed the line. Prepare to be assimilated."
The rest were all Federation officers, except for Seven who just worked for them, and they knew that they had to do the right thing...
So they stepped back to give the Queen enough room to assimilate Dickhead.
"There, that's done," The Queen said a moment later while standing beside the now green and armored Dickhead. "At least now he will be hard for the rest of his life."
"Hey, why does he look like a real Borg while you, their Queen, look like you stepped out of Star Babes Illustrated?" Chakotay asked. He was still kinda peeved that he wasn't getting a shot at Janeway, despite the fact that he was once more swimming in the Nile.
"I don't like Dickheads, so I told him that he had to go through all the makeup. Let him sit in that makeup chair for three hours every day."
"So, this is it?" B'Elanna asked.
"Looks like it," The Queen agreed. "I said that I would just forget about the Spammers I assimilate, but I have a special task for Dickhead here. His task from now in is to go around and assimilate the other Spammers still out there. He is perfect for it, he knows where they all live."
"Than the only thing left to do is take inventory," Seven said. "Make sure that we all got something out of it. B'Elanna and I will be together for the rest of our lives, loving each other more than life itself, and having great sex every day."
Check.
"What the hell was that?" Chakotay asked, looking around to see where the 'check' had come from.
"Don't worry, Chakotay," B'Elanna said, knowing what it must have been. "I'm sure that it is just the writer checking off things to see if all is taken care of."
Check.
"See?"
"Alright," Janeway said, "Let's move on. Seven and B'Elanna are taken care of."
Check.
"Me, mighty Captain Janeway, will have the same with my hot Queen as B'Elanna has with Seven."
Hmm.
"Please?" Janeway begged.
Oh, alright. Check.
"Dickhead will go around and assimilate the other spammers for the rest of his life?"
Big fat CHECK.
"Chakotay will suddenly die of a heart-attack?"
No.
"No?" Janeway asked slightly disappointed.
No, he is a pretty okay dude, he will go up in oblivion in this story, but he gets his own on the C/J, C/T, C/7, C/P, C/H, C/T... and so on lists.
"Oh, well, can't win them all," Janeway said with a sigh. "So, I guess the only thing left is to end this?"
Sounds about right.
"Um, excuse me," Seven spoke up. "Now that this story is finally over, how about Kathryn and the Queen going off to have some hot sex, while B'Elanna and I go make tender love well into the night?"
Sounds good, I would love to see some NC-17.
"Um, I would rather not have any watchers tonight," Seven said while putting her arm around B'Elanna. "Tonight, I want it to be just B'Elanna and me doing our own thing, not what someone has written."
Hmmm.
"Pretty please?" Seven asked while shyly batting her eyelashes.
Oh, alright. Like I could say no to that. Let's see... Jump, they are all in bed.
And now......
Fade to black.
"Oh, B'Elanna yes. Right there. Oh, how I love you I..."
Hey, who turned the volume up?
Come on. Fade to black is like the end. So let's leave them to enjoy in peace.
The End
Note, that little joke about the Borg being in Enterprise? I swear that I wrote this story before they actually did that. I guess I knew before that Enterprise would have to suffer cheap plot devices, considering how the last few years of Voyager were going.