DISCLAIMER: Star Trek is the property of Paramount, this story depicts a loving/sexual relationhips between women...okay, disclaimer done.
NOTE: I'm sure this will make sense to no-one but myself, but I just needed to randomly write stuff for a while until my writer's block disintegrates.

Travel the Voyager Line
By ralst

The screen was white, then without waiting for an intro black grainy numbers began to appear. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

The stark whiteness was replaced by a starkly beautiful blonde. Her emotionless face brightened by the cherry red backdrop that had been chosen to accompany her segment.

"Hello and welcome to Voyager."

The voice held no warmth and was about as welcoming as a half starved Doberman. It was a fact that didn't go unnoticed by the figures behind the scene. A mumbled, 'smile god dammit!' was plainly heard above the cheesy background Muzak.

As if the act caused her pain, Seven of Nine forced her lips into the barest shadow of a smile. "It is our great pleasure to have you join us and we all hope your stay will be a short one."

'Pleasant! A pleasant one!' The background voice had risen in volume and with the increase in decibels its owner became apparent. Captain Janeway had a distinctive voice.

"As I was saying," Seven cut through the off camera tantrum. "We hope your stay will be a pleasant one." The cool blonde looked to the side as another, shorter figure joined her in front of the camera.

B'Elanna shared a long suffering look with her former Borg nemesis before turning to stare into the camera. "While onboard the USS Voyager we will do everything in our power to make your stay as comfortable and risk free as possible."

"Although the chances of being attacked by the Borg are about 3 to 1," Seven ad-libbed.

'Don't mention the Borg!' Screamed Janeway, her disembodied arm swinging into view from behind the cherry red curtain.

"If you didn't want us to mention the Borg, why'd you put a Borg in front of the camera?" B'Elanna whispered back.

'Indeed.' The voice that time came from behind the camera and was Vulcan in origin.

'Image,' Janeway hissed. 'The people at Advertising Inc. said we needed a front woman with a lot of front.'

"Excuse me?" Seven glared at the back curtain, her frown then transferring to the camera. "That is it. I quit!"

"Seven, wait." Janeway fought her way through the curtain and into view, her normally tidy hair in total disarray as pencils and staple guns fell from its depths. "Voyager needs you."

"I thought all Voyager needed was a talking pair of mammary glands?" With that the blonde turned and left the stage.

"You've done it now," B'Elanna added joyfully. "As we speak she's probably filing a complaint with the Federation's advertising standards commission."

"Shut up!" Kathryn growled. "Go after her and get her back."

"Why should I?"

Kathryn Janeway smiled and it wasn't a pretty sight. "Because if you don't we will never sell enough tickets to keep this ship afloat and if that happens you'll never get to try out those Klingon mating rituals of yours with blondie back there."

"Bitch!" B'Elanna turned and left the stage.

Ever the professional, Janeway turned to the camera and began making her sales pitch. "As you can see, life aboard Voyager is always filled with excitement and pretty girls," the last part was accompanied by a wink that almost made Tuvok ill. "In choosing to travel with the Voyager line, you are not only availing yourselves of one of the finest ships in the fleet but also one of the most colourful."

A scrambling noise can be heard off camera, soon followed by the reappearance of Seven and a red faced B'Elanna. "Apparently you wished for my return." Seven glared at the Captain.

"Yes Seven," Janeway smiled at her Astrometrics officer and once again wished she'd given Chakotay a false bra and sent him on instead. "Why don't you tell the people back home on Earth why travelling with Voyager is such a great and rewarding experience."

The former Borg looked ready to leave, but in a blink of an eye she had changed her mind and turned to once again face the camera. "If you board Voyager within the next ten minutes you will have the chance of seeing me spank the captain here to within an inch of her life. I will then proceed to ravish Lieutenant Torres, before throwing you all off my ship. You have ten minutes." With that Seven grabbed both Janeway and B'Elanna by the hand and pulled them from the stage.

Two minutes later a smiling Tom walked from behind the curtain. "A bit unorthodox perhaps, but ticket sales have just gone off the scale," he looked over into the corner to see a terrified looking Janeway being bent over Seven's knee. "I wonder if the captain will agree to making this a weekly promotional gimmick?"

"I dunno," Chakotay mused, as he eyed the three women in the corner "but I'm sure B'Elanna will."

The End

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