Where my sin lies
By Cirroco DeSade
I feel you watching me, your gaze heavy upon me, guilt weighing me down like heavy chains. The feeling translates into my nervously adjusting my uniform, while I try to figure out what to do. I know I've got to get out of here before I fall apart, before I give in to the desire to beg you for more. This is how it should be. You really don't deserve the reaction of the crew if they found out about me.
How can I do this to you? You deserve better than hidden affairs with a "mongrel" like me. I know you don't see me that way, but you are so innocent, you just don't know any better. I've heard it too many times from others, though, to not believe
"Aren't you gonna get dressed?" I ask, really needing to get away from the temptation of your naked body.
"I see no reason to hurry. I will still have to depart many minutes after you in order to maintain your charade," you say, and I think I can hear pain in your voice. It slices through me.
"You agreed," unable to help growling, and I try to calm down. "You agreed that it would be better to keep this to ourselves. People won't understand. This is for your good too, you know."
"As you say, B'Elanna," you retort, monotone.
Normally, the sight of your profile simply takes my breath away, but I swear this time it breaks my heart. I can see the look of dissatisfaction on your face, right before noticing the tear in your human eye.
I can't help but lean down and kiss away your tears and pain 'Hey, don't cry, Bang'wi', feeling my own heart cry out, as I tenderly touch your cheek.
I feel a lump form in my throat seeing her pained look. "You know I am working on it," I say hoarsely.
But you just close your eyes, and shut me out.
"Please," You say in a ragged whisper, "just leave."
With those three words pain lances through my heart. I stand trying to pull over the blanket of anger, using it like a shield of armor. I manage to maintain my emotions until I get in the hall. With each step I take away from you, I lunch deeper into turmoil of what I've done. I don't know why I torment and tease myself as I know you deserve someone better.
But when that happens how will I survive it?
I resolve to stay away from you next time, both for your good and my own. You'll never have to worry, as I'll keep this secret. You won't need to wear my sins.
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