DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns anything relating to Star Trek. I am merely borrowing some of the characters to have a little harmless fun. Please don't come after me. I don't like litigating unless I'm getting paid for it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a companion piece to I Know You. It is not beta-read. Still no plot to speak of. If that doesn't scare you off, please feel free to read this humble offering.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
You Know Me
By JAZwriter13
Part 1
You'd think I would not fear something so simple as dreams. Having faced so many horrifying enemies like the Viidians, the Hirogen, the Borg—dreams had never bothered me too much. After all, they paled in comparison to reality. Dreams normally replayed my fear of failure, fear of those under my command dying, fear of not finding a way home. Lately, though, they are manifestations of confusion and passion and anxiety and longing and distress and temptation. Lately, you've taken a starring role by appearing to me each night. And it's not as if you appear in your original form, the form you presented when we first met—powerful in your Borg armor, the representative of Doomsday, the impetus of terror. No, you've been appearing as I saw you in Unimatrix One. Beautiful. Alluring. Captivating. And that has scared me more than anything because I cannot escape from my subconscious desires, those desires I have been so careful to ignore while awake. You'd think I would not fear something so simple as dreams.
I see your eyes when I close mine. Once the dreams begin, I revel in the luxury of staring into those beautiful orbs. I can read your emotions without having to worry I will reveal mine. I can talk to you freely, not having to constrain my reactions. I am able to watch your eyes darken in passion as you debate philosophy, argue one of my decisions, or notice my casual attire. I am sure you see that passion mirrored, in dreams. I do not allow myself to show my heart to you while awake. At least, I try to refrain. There are times I cannot help it, though, times when, no matter what walls I attempt to erect, you break through them. You reach into my heart so firmly and touch it so gently, I can do nothing but tremble at your tenderness. At those times, I must walk away so you will not see how you affect me. I must walk away so you will not read the emotion in my eyes. I must hide what you'd otherwise see. I do that to protect you from me, from my desires, from my dreams. But I cannot forget the emotion I see when I fall into your gaze. I recall it during my darkest days and it pulls me back from the edge of despair. I do this sparingly, knowing to indulge too often would destroy what little restraint I maintain while we interact. But I cannot and do not desire to look away in my dreams, for here my fears have no power. I see your eyes when I close mine.
We share a bond, you and I. I dreamt of two thick strands intertwined like energetic DNA. Wrapped around each other so closely, they turned slowly while emitting a light from within. I could not determine the beginning or end, but I did know they, like lovers, could never be separated. I felt a thirst I'd never experienced, a yearning that remained unquenched. This is what I wanted, what I required. No separation, just a connection, an interweaving of all we are. When I awoke, I instinctively reached out for what I needed, who I needed. But I was alone. And I realized I could not prolong this separation from you any longer. We share a bond, you and I.
I have imagined many scenarios where I have reached out to you. This shouldn't be so hard. I've always made the effort to illuminate your way while you attempted to regain your humanity. Perhaps it is the thought of requesting your help to regain my humanity that confounds me. I've lost myself these years in the Delta Quadrant. I've pushed my own desires aside again and again. Yet in dreams you've reached out to me, and I have accepted. Accepted your friendship, your support, your affection, your love. In one dream I awoke to find you watching me. Your eyes traveled my body possessively. I came alive as your gaze glided over my body. I felt the fission of a life not yet lived. You saw that in my eyes, you recognized the hope I felt. The most amazing realization stole over me later that day at the Psarki hall as I watched you. Your eyes swept over me, and I felt the same emotions as in my dream. And I knew. You wanted me, too. Suddenly all those fantastic dreams didn't seem so unlikely. All those mornings I awoke wanting to return to those dreams, those dreams full of you, did not seem so hopeless. It was time to accept the offer in your eyes. It was time to make my dreams a reality. I have imagined many scenarios where I have reached out to you.
If time were my illusion, I would create an endless day with you in my arms. I often wonder whether it is possible to bridge the gap between Captain and woman, between duty and desire. The fear sits on my breast so heavily I can hardly breathe. This fear that I will not measure up, that in your eyes I will appear lessened when I lower the mantle of authority, the mask of command—it consumes me. I often wonder whether you see who I am, who I truly am. Do you know me? Do you understand how the bravado I display in the face of danger does not necessarily translate to my personal endeavors? I need time. Time to get ready. Time to accept just how much I care for you. Time to help you accept how much you care for me. If time were my illusion, I would create an endless day with you in my arms.
Just a little longer. I mouth those words to you as you stand stiffly against the palace walls. You probably find this passing of time to be inefficient. You probably are mentally charting the ship's future course as your eyes intersect with mine. You are probably wondering why I requested you to be part of this function. The answer is quite simple really. I needed to see you. I needed to drink you in. I needed you near me. I understand I am making demands under the guise of captain while it is the woman who insists her needs be met. But we are two sides of the same coin. The captain's head to the woman's tail. And, yes, the woman always seems to come last. I am determined to change that, though. I see a smile spread across your face, a smile created by my words, and I am stunned. My heart sings. I smile, knowing by your reaction that you will not refuse any of my requests, professionally or personally. Just a little longer.
No treasure could hope to measure up to the beauty of your soul. I dreamt we sat together in my quarters late one night. I presented a box, a wonderful jewel-encrusted box, and slowly opened it. The contents were for you. As I revealed each keepsake, I provided its history. "This bracelet belonged to my great grandmother. It was the first gift she received from my great grandfather. They remained married for sixty-two years. She loved to wear it in remembrance of their bond. And this is the first pip I ever wore as captain. I was so proud and so sad—I wished my father could have witnessed that honor. And this is the poem that makes me think of you, of what a precious and wonderful creature you are. Of how much you mean to me." Your eyes shimmered with emotion. You understood what I was trying to do, what I was trying to say. I had no need of these trinkets any longer. No treasure could hope to measure up to the beauty of your soul.
You tremble in my presence. I reach your side, ready to leave the Psarki ballroom in favor of spending time with you. Your eyes are bright. It seems you are waging a silent battle, and you are losing. Your cheeks are flushed, and I cannot help but wonder what thoughts occupy your mind. Do they include me? Stunned by the rush of arousal I feel at that moment, I am unable to speak. Instead, I grasp your hand and lead you to the beam out point. I suppose I should have released it after gaining your attention. I suppose I should have tried to talk to you to determine your thoughts. I suppose I should have acted quite differently. But I chose to hold your hand silently all the way to the cargo bay where I could do no more than murmur a farewell as my heart pounded. It's interesting how, even though I am certain about what I want for you and for us, I still seek signs that it is the correct course of action. I am fighting my natural inclination to protect myself even as I see the evidence that I affect you. You tremble in my presence.
I fall asleep thinking of you. Is it any surprise that I look forward to my dreams? Is it any wonder that I long for those hours of reveling in the energy, the warmth, the love that is you? Is it any wonder that I will do anything, everything to turn these dreams into reality? Fear is such a puny emotion. As debilitating as it can be, how can it possibly withstand the strength of love? I feel myself reaching for you. In dreams I hug you closely. I feel light and unburdened, stronger than possible. Yet it is possible. Tomorrow I will be waiting for you. Tomorrow I will show you how much you mean to me. In the meantime I will embrace you throughout the night, knowing these spiritual escapades will never compare to the reality of truly holding you in my arms. It doesn't matter, however, since I intend for this to be my last night alone, my last night merely imagining what shall be. I fall asleep thinking of you.
Part 2
I wait patiently, knowing my life is about to change. I see your eyes flutter open and track to my face. You were never very good at hiding your feelings. In fact, I read your reaction to my presence easily, and it inspires me. I watch deep emotion swirl within your darkening blue eyes. As usual, you attempt to rein in those emotions behind a cool façade but freeze as you recognize the feelings I no longer attempt to hide. You sway a bit as I step toward you, ready to steady you with the truth. Or set you on your lovely ass. Either way, I am ready to declare my love. I wait as you step down from the dais. As you approach, I feel calmness steal over me even as I buzz with desire. You watch me closely, allowing me to lead us into this new interaction. You wait patiently, knowing your life is about to change.
It is time for us to embrace love's dance. For too long I have lied to myself, denied myself, bargained and bartered and pleaded with myself. I talked myself out of love as if I could escape its grasp. I told myself that once we got to Earth I could explore these emotions. I begged myself to ignore how empty I felt. Nothing worked. I fell more in love with you every day. The thought of not sharing my life with you became untenable. I made the decision before I knew I was contemplating it. The fight was over before I realized it had begun. I surrendered. I won. And I stepped onto the dance floor with my arms wide open. It is time for us to embrace love's dance.
The whispering of your heart calls to me. My dreams are filled with your words flowing over me. Words professing love, words promising a shared future, words I surely wanted to hear while awake. I said so much to you in those dreams. I told you about myself, my fears and beliefs, my innermost thoughts not shared with anyone else, not even myself. Just you. In dreams. We would sit in a room, shifting closer as time passed, I, laughing and at ease as we laid bare our souls. It was so effortless, stress melting away. This feeling of intimacy, I craved it. With you. It was no longer enough to live in this dream world. I heard your voice too strongly as it mingled with mine. Finding the courage in your stare I utter your name and cup your cheek lovingly. I am gratified when you echo my actions. The whispering of my heart calls to you.
Life is a collection of unforgettable moments. Such as now. Watching you watching me, knowing what I do next will change us irrevocably, I throw away my insecurities and taste your lips. I have dreamt of kissing you many times—the way you would tilt your head and catalog my touch. I am determined to make you forget how to think now, though. I want to make you drop that seemingly unflappable veneer and to submit to the passionate bond we share. To that end, I hold you tightly and explain my needs as simply as I know how. I won't have this chance again, this opportunity of a first kiss with the one who holds my heart. I must communicate not only my desire but also my sincerity, not only my pent-up emotions but also my hope for a future together. I am heartened by your response as you willingly sink into my embrace, molding yourself to me without hesitation. This glorious kiss which lasts for minutes, days, centuries, this kiss that slakes my thirst even as it awakens my hunger, it is through this simple joining I seek to bare my soul. Because all it takes is an honest action, one stripped of artifice or protection, to change life's direction. Life is a collection of unforgettable moments.
I give myself to you. As our lips search out the murmurs of the soul, I can only tremble at love's precipice. It is not that I will allow fear to stop me from falling. I just would rather make the leap with you in my arms. I sigh against your demanding lips, recognizing your devotion to me. Like you'd allow me to make the journey alone—what a ridiculous thought. What you tell me now, using the language of love, assuages my doubt. I communicate my love without bothering to rein in my fervor. Why bother? You understand I would never have taken this action unless I was willing to do everything, anything in my power to make this last. I am dedicated to this connection. And, as proof, I commit to the kiss as if it were the last instead of the first. You accept. Your hand gently holds my neck so that my head remains close to yours. You commit to me. You give yourself to me.
I make love to you through our kisses, heightening the anticipation for what will soon occur. It is truly tempting to make love to you here, yet I do not want our first time to be in the cargo bay. I feel you, shudders contorting your beautiful body as I control our kisses. The noises I drag from your mouth as my tongue revels with yours drive me to distraction. How can anyone taste this good, feel this good, sound this good? My arms hold you against my body as if afraid this will end even as I thrust into your mouth repeatedly, showing you what I intend to do when we are in my quarters soon, very soon. You must understand that I will not give you up, that I will not return to a life without you by my side. I need you to submit not just in this moment, but always. Do not worry though, love, for I fully intend to do the same. I ask only for what I am prepared to give. I feel you burrow closer to me as our breaths mingle harshly. Your lips slide down my throat as I throw my head back, reveling in this moment. Your hands map my form, and I feel reassured that you want this as much as I do. Seeing the rapture on your face, I smile. You make love to me through our kisses, heightening the anticipation for what will soon occur.
Together we can soar to heights unimagined. Sometimes I feel as if I am an ill-fitting spirit within a confining physical form. I am held back on this plane of existence by its rules and beliefs and norms and fears and hopes and dreams and desires and apathy and mediocrity and weakness and…And. Yet, so much is fantastic and wonderful and delightful and surprising and illuminating and breathtaking and amazing and inspiring and extraordinary and interesting and…And. Some days I spread my wings wide and take a spin around the universe. I remember just how large and powerful and infinite I am, how I can soar to immense heights with only a focused thought and self-given permission. I remember that I cannot be beat down in this reality unless I allow it. And so I unfurl my spirit and ride the waves of energy through this realm and beyond, experiencing my might and tasting my potency with you by my side. Telling you I love you seems so feeble, so ineffectual. I must show you every day through word and deed. I must worship your body with reverent hands even as I listen to your unstated wants. We are partners in every sense. I will do whatever is necessary for you to accept this truth. Together we can soar to heights unimagined.
Each day is a fresh start to a life now lived completely. I used to dream of telling you the truth of my heart. I used to dream of draping myself over your body and embracing your soul. I used to touch your lips with mine conveying my desire. I used to peer deeply into your passion-darkened eyes as I surrendered my heart. The imagined scenarios may have played out in different ways, but the result remained the same: I was yours and you accepted. How interesting that life has played out better than my most sacred dreams. How wonderful that these unfulfilled cravings no longer invade my soul. How amazing that I took a chance, believing I knew your heart, only to find that you knew mine just as well. Is it any wonder I refuse to waste anymore time now that I entirely understand what had been missing from my life? To find you in complete agreement, to hear you affirm your love, your hopes, and your dreams that coincide with mine so well, is a blessing I shall never take for granted. Awaking in your strong arms, finding your loving eyes trailing over my body stirs me to a level of awareness I could not comprehend. I settle into you knowing I am safe. I turn to you, unable to begin even one day without expressing these powerful feelings. Each day is a fresh start to a life now lived completely.
Such magical words: I know you. If anyone were to say them to me other than you, I would not believe it. You, however, have taken pains to learn not just who I am as a commander, but also as a woman. If quizzed you could recite my favorite color, meal, recreation, and book. You could also tell me what physiological signs allow you to recognize when I am angry, sad, amused, or content. However, you need to know that this evolution is two-way, love. Although I did not realize it in the beginning, I have also taken care to memorize all that is you. I, too, can recite what is important to you, as well as the small signs that reflect your moods. Just as importantly, I have made it my life's purpose to cause your eyes to lighten in pleasure and darken in desire. I hide nothing from you, knowing that you have delivered yourself without reserve into my care. And as we soar and dive and wheel through the days laughing within the fullness of our love, the certainty that our souls shall remain intertwined lifts us higher and higher. We are mirror reflections, complementary spirits, individuals yet one. We glide and twirl, understanding what the other needs because it is a reflection of our own desires. Such magical words: you know me.
The End