DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: 1) This started innocently enough: me searching through screen caps. And when I scrolled through Babykiller caps...well, somewhere in the back of my mind was this whole 'write your version of Alex's return', and, well, the screencaps met that notion and so here it is: Alex Cabot's return as told through sequential screen caps of the season 2 episode Babykiller. 2) this was written BEFORE Lead aired. 3) thanks svu_media.livejournal.com for the screen caps 4) this is absolutely not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL! lol It's barely meant to be coherent!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Special Subtext Unit: Alex Cabot's Return
By redwingx

 

In the primetime television system, unacknowledged subtext is considered especially heinous. In this community, the dedicated authors and artists who acknowledge and resolve these vicious oversights are members of an elite squad known as the Special Subtext Unit. These are their stories.

* * *doink*doink* * *

Cragen (to himself): Oh god, oh god, oh godÖI do *not* want to be the one that breaks this to herÖ.I *so* do not want to be the one that breaks this to herÖ

Cragen: UmÖOliviaÖthereís something I need to tell you.

Olivia: Why do you look so worried, Captain? Surely this weekís case canít be that horrible. I mean, really, at this point in my life, after all the cases Iíve worked, after everything Iíve been through and found out, the only thing that you could tell me that would throw me at all is that Alex Cabot has been back in New York for two years but hasnít even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. Really, thatís the only thing you could tell me that would affect me at all.

Cragen: UmÖyeahÖabout thatÖ

* * *Opening Credits* * *

With this weekís special guest starÖ

Act 1: Both Parties Find Out the ďHappyĒ Reunion News

* * *doink*doink* * *

Olivia finds outÖ

Olivia: I canít believe this. I canít BELIEVE she has been back in New York for two years but hasnít even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. Iím going to kill her. I mean, if she had just called it would have saved me fromÖ from, Kurt Moss and other manvils! Son of a bitch!

Cragen: OliviaÖ.

Olivia: No, Captain. Iím *fine*. If thatís the way it is, thatís the way it is. I get it. Itís OVER. She doesnít want me so I donít want her. I donít care anymore. I just donít care. Iím SO OVER HER. In fact, Iíve BEEN OVER HER for years. Yeah.

Munch: Sheís so over her, Captain.

Cragen: Uh-huh.

Olivia: Can I go now?

Cragen: Sure.

Olivia: I canít believe this. I canít BELIEVE she has been back in New York for two years but hasnít even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection.

Elliot: Iím just going to be quiet and pretend Iím not here.
Olivia (still ranting): No, wait, never mind. I forgot. I donít care. Iím SO OVER HER. Itís just like Iíve been telling Olivet every week for the last four years: Iím SO OVER CABOT!

* * *doink*doink* * *

Alex finds outÖ

Alexís boss whose name I canít remember and Iím too lazy to look up: Oh, by the way, Alex, Iím temporarily assigning you to SVU again.

Alex: WaitÖ.WHAT???

Boss: I have no choice, the current ADA is poo and none of the fans like her. I made up some stupid reason to get rid of the ADA before her and itís backfired. So, I need you to step in.

Alex: ButÖ Iíve been back in New York for two years but havenít even tried to contact Olivia at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection.

Boss: And this is my problem how?

Alex: You canít just make me go back like this out of the blue. I need more time to come up with a good excuse for why I havenít contacted her!

Boss: Sorry, itís out of my hands. Now go.

Alex: Iím going to appeal this assignment!

Boss: Be my guest.

Alexís appealÖ

Alex: Your honor, I move to quash my temporary assignment to SVU. I need a little more time to take care of some personal business first.

Judge: Is it true that this ďpersonal businessĒ involves coming up with an excuse for why you havenít even tried to contact a certain detective since your night of unbridled passion four years ago even though youíve been back in New York for two years?

Alex (small voice): Yes, but this is my contrite-I-screwed-up-and-I-promise-I-wonít-do-it-again face. You canít deny my motion when I give you my contrite-I-screwed-up-and-I-promise-I-wonít-do-it-again face.

Judge: Motion denied.

Alex: Damn.

* * *doink*doink* * *

The next day...

Munch: Hmmm, Page Six is reporting the juicy little tidbit that a one Alex Cabot is terrified of returning to SVU because, it says, sheís afraid a certain SVU detective will quote ďkill herĒ for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact her at all since their night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection.

Olivia: for once Page Six has it right. I will kill her. Well, I would if I had any feelings for her whatsoever but since I donítÖ. ThoughÖactually, I have a better ideaÖ(goes off to run an errand with Elliot)

Alex: Captain, I need to speak with OliviaÖand I need your protection while I do it.

Cragen: Iím going to keep reading this report and pretend I didnít see you because Olivia made me vow that if I saw you Iíd kill you.
Alex: Captain, please.

Cragen: FineÖgo hide in my office. Iíll see what I can do.

Olivia and Elliot on Oliviaís errandÖ

Olivia: Excuse me, do you sell voodoo dolls?

Elliot: Iím just going to be quiet and pretend Iím not here.

Act 2: The Reunion

* * *doink*doink* * *

Later that dayÖ

Alex (trying a joke): Hi, honey, Iím homeÖ?

Olivia: !! (then) Whatever. I am so over you. SO OVER YOU! But just in case I still cared, what, exactly, is your excuse for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and your subsequent return to Witness Protection, huh?

Alex (trying honesty): I have no excuse. No one would grant me enough time to come up with a good one.

Olivia: Whatever. Iím so over you.

Alex (trying tenderness): Sweetie, please donít be mad.
Olivia: Do not Ďsweetieí me, sweetie! Iím so over you!

Alex (trying indignation): Really, Olivia, I honestly donít know why youíre so angryÖ


Cragen: Maybe, Alex, because youíve been back in New York for two years but havenít even tried to contact her at all since your night of unbridled passion four years ago and your subsequent return to Witness Protection.

Alex: *sigh* Why does everyone have to keep bringing that back up?

Alex (trying contrition and begging): Look, Iím sorry. I screwed up. What can I do to make it up to you? I want to be with you again. I want there to be an us again.

Olivia: Talk to the hand, sweetheart, there isnít an Ďusí any more. There never will be again. If you had cared enough to contact me when you got back to New York, there might have been a chance, but Iíve moved on. Havenít you read some of that Casey/Olivia fanfic out there? If you have then you know Iíve REALLY moved on, mhm.

Elliot: Iím just going to be quiet and pretend Iím not here.

Alex: FineÖif thatís really the way you feel, Detective.

Olivia: It is, Counselor.

Alex: Then Iíll just go now.

Olivia: Thatís really for the best.

Act 3: Stubbornness and Scapegoating


* * *doink*doink* * *

Still in Cragenís officeÖ


Cragen: You realize you still have to work with her, right, Olivia? Thereís nothing I can do about it, so please just try being professional.

Olivia: (neither pleased or amused by that prospect)

Cragen: And, maybe you should go see Olivet. This seems to be affecting you quite a bit. I think youíre in denial.

Olivia: I am not in denial and I have already been seeing Olivet. And Iíve been telling her what I told you earlier, what I just told Cabot and what Iíll tell you again: I am SO OVER HER.

Cragen: Uh-huh.

Elliot: Iím just going to be quiet and pretend Iím not here.

Munch: Good idea.

* * *doink*doink* * *

Outside Cragenís officeÖ

Alex: Well, shit. That went about as poorly as I had imagined. If Olivia wonít accept an apology, Iíll have to find a way to convince her it wasnít my faultÖoh, I know!!


Back at the DAís officeÖ

Alex: You have to help me out.
Boss: Oh lord, this doesnít sound good.

Alex: You helped get me into this mess, you WILL help me get out of it!

Boss: And how do you expect me to help you get out of it?

Alex: You have to hold a press conference and tell everyone that youíve been holding me hostage for the last two years and thatís the reason I havenít contacted Olivia!

Boss: !!
Alex: Do it or elseÖ

Press conferenceÖ

Boss: So, well, um, Iím here to make a statement. And that statement isÖWeíre all so, so happy to have had Alex Cabot back in New York and in the DAís office for the last two years! And sheís so excited to be back and even more excited to be back working for SVU! Sheíd like to take your questions nowÖ

Alex: Er, um, no, thatís not what we agreed toÖ

Reporter 1 (interrupting): Isnít it true that you said you were ĎOn the prowl?í

Reporter 2: Isnít it true that you said you were, essentially, ĎAvailable to make out with any anyone?í

Reporter 3: Isnít it true that you said that you Ďwerenít saying youíre not in love with Olivia?í

Alex: Er, um, er, uh, well, yes, I did say those thingsÖ

Act 4: They Start To See The Light

* * *doink*doink* * *

Back at the 1-6 having watched Alexís press conferenceÖ

Munch: See, Olivia, sheís not denying sheís not in love with you! Thatís good news.

Olivia: Does it look like Iím in the mood for you to speak to me at all?

Elliot: Iím just going to be quiet and pretend Iím not here.

Munch: I think sheís PMSing

Olivia: Son of a bitch.
Cragen: Okay, Olivia, calm down. Letís just think about this. Surely thereís a reason why Cabot has been back in New York for two years but hasnít even tried to contact you at all since your night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. And even if there isnít, surely you can find it in her heart to forgive her. You care about each other too much not to.

Fin (thinking): Oooooo, yeah, I sense some Alex/Olivia loviní cominí on and itís gonna be sweeee-eeet.

Olivia: NO, NO, NO! How many times do I have to tell you people, itís OVER OVER OVER. I DO NOT have feelings for her anymore. At all. In fact, I donít think I ever did. Yeah, NEVER DID! Now whereís that voodoo doll I bought!

Cragen: Iím going to speak to you now in the calming voice of the always-right-and-caring-father-figure everyone out there loves and adores

Olivia: Donít flatter yourself.

Cragen: Right. But anyway, donít throw this away, Olivia. You and she have lost too much time already to bad writing, inexplicable cast changes, and even more inexplicable hair styles. Donít let your own anger and fear of being hurt again make you lose more time.

Olivia: *sulks for a few minutes longer then sighs* I hate it when youíre so good at the father-figure stuff. *shakes head* Fine, next time I see her, Iíll forgive her. Because, youíre right, youíre always right.

Cragen: I know I am. Because Iím the always-right-and-caring-father-figure.

Alex, not knowing of Oliviaís change of heart, goes to cry on the shoulder of Dr. OlivetÖ

Alex: Itís over, Liz. I canít believe itís really over. Iíve screwed it up so badly this time for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact her at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection. She was so mad, so mad and I know itís really over. And then I tried to do that press conference and that just blew up in my face and I know she saw it and Iím sure sheís even madder now and now sheís probably just laughing at me and she just hates me and itís over.

Olivet (hesitant): Um, mhm. Right. Yeah. Over, mhm.

Alex (getting suspicious of Lizís reaction): WaitÖ.you know something I donít, donít you? Have you been seeing Olivia as a patient? Did she tell you something? If she did, you have to tell me!

Olivet: Have you ever noticed how my last name is a lot like ďOlivia?Ē

Alex: Donít try to distract me! Tell me what you know!

Olivet: I canít. It would be a violation of doctor-patient privilege.

Alex: Iíll subpoena you if I have to.

Olivet: No judge will hold a hearing for this.

Alex (picks up phone): Uncle BillÖ

* * *doink*doink* * *

Alex questions OlivetÖ

Alex: Alright, doctor, spill it.

Olivet: (refuses to speak)

Alex (getting impatient): May I remind you youíre here under subpoena.

Olivet: It doesnít matter. I canít tell you anything. Privilege! Privilege! Privilege! Neener neener neener!

Alex: You have to tell me! *throws tantrum*

Olivet: No, no, no! I told you I canít!

Alex: Tell me or you wonít be my BFF anymore.

Olivet: When was I ever your BFF?

Alex: Pretty, pretty please?!?! Just tell me! *throws another tantrum*

Olivet: Fine! I donít care if itís a violation of doctor-patient privilege anymore! I need this all to end! Olivia has been in my office every single week for the last four years since your unbridled night of passion complaining that youíre the best sheís ever had and she canít get you out of her mind and that all she can think about is the next time she can have mad hot passionate sex with you! There! Satisfied?!?

Alex: !!
Page Six reporter in the background (asking the person next to him): Did she just say what I think she just said?

Alex (escaping from the courthouse after Dr. Olivetís courtroom bombshell): Out of the way you mangy reporters! I need to go see Olivia and have me some mad hot passionate sex tonight!

Act 5: A Happy Ending

* * *doink*doink* * *

Alex: BB, Iím sorry for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact you at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection.

Olivia: Itís okay, bb. Iím sorry for buying a voodoo doll of you.

Alex: Itís okay, bb. We can have mad hot passionate sex now?

Olivia: I think the fans have waited long enough, so yes, we can.
Elliot: If I promise to be quiet and pretend Iím not there, can I watch?

Cragen: Another case solved by the Special Subtext Unit.

The End

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