* * *doink*doink* * *
Cragen (to himself): Oh god, oh god, oh god…I do *not* want to be the one that breaks this to her….I *so* do not want to be the one that breaks this to her…
Cragen: Um…Olivia…there’s something I need to tell you.
Olivia: Why do you look so worried, Captain? Surely this week’s case can’t be that horrible. I mean, really, at this point in my life, after all the cases I’ve worked, after everything I’ve been through and found out, the only thing that you could tell me that would throw me at all is that Alex Cabot has been back in New York for two years but hasn’t even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. Really, that’s the only thing you could tell me that would affect me at all.
Cragen: Um…yeah…about that…
* * *Opening Credits* * *
With this week’s special guest star…
Act 1: Both Parties Find Out the “Happy” Reunion News
* * *doink*doink* * *
Olivia finds out…
Olivia: I can’t believe this. I can’t BELIEVE she has been back in New York for two years but hasn’t even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. I’m going to kill her. I mean, if she had just called it would have saved me from… from, Kurt Moss and other manvils! Son of a bitch!
Cragen: Olivia….
Olivia: No, Captain. I’m *fine*. If that’s the way it is, that’s the way it is. I get it. It’s OVER. She doesn’t want me so I don’t want her. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. I’m SO OVER HER. In fact, I’ve BEEN OVER HER for years. Yeah.
Munch: She’s so over her, Captain.
Cragen: Uh-huh.
Olivia: Can I go now?
Cragen: Sure.
Olivia: I can’t believe this. I can’t BELIEVE she has been back in New York for two years but hasn’t even tried to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection.
Elliot: I’m just going to be quiet and pretend I’m not here.
Olivia (still ranting): No, wait, never mind. I forgot. I don’t care. I’m SO OVER HER. It’s just like I’ve been telling Olivet every week for the last four years: I’m SO OVER CABOT!
* * *doink*doink* * *
Alex finds out…
Alex’s boss whose name I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look up: Oh, by the way, Alex, I’m temporarily assigning you to SVU again.
Alex: Wait….WHAT???
Boss: I have no choice, the current ADA is poo and none of the fans like her. I made up some stupid reason to get rid of the ADA before her and it’s backfired. So, I need you to step in.
Alex: But… I’ve been back in New York for two years but haven’t even tried to contact Olivia at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection.
Boss: And this is my problem how?
Alex: You can’t just make me go back like this out of the blue. I need more time to come up with a good excuse for why I haven’t contacted her!
Boss: Sorry, it’s out of my hands. Now go.
Alex: I’m going to appeal this assignment!
Boss: Be my guest.
Alex’s appeal…
Alex: Your honor, I move to quash my temporary assignment to SVU. I need a little more time to take care of some personal business first.
Judge: Is it true that this “personal business” involves coming up with an excuse for why you haven’t even tried to contact a certain detective since your night of unbridled passion four years ago even though you’ve been back in New York for two years?
Alex (small voice): Yes, but this is my contrite-I-screwed-up-and-I-promise-I-wo
Judge: Motion denied.
Alex: Damn.
* * *doink*doink* * *
The next day...
Munch: Hmmm, Page Six is reporting the juicy little tidbit that a one Alex Cabot is terrified of returning to SVU because, it says, she’s afraid a certain SVU detective will quote “kill her” for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact her at all since their night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection.
Olivia: for once Page Six has it right. I will kill her. Well, I would if I had any feelings for her whatsoever but since I don’t…. Though…actually, I have a better idea…(goes off to run an errand with Elliot)
Alex: Captain, I need to speak with Olivia…and I need your protection while I do it.
Cragen: I’m going to keep reading this report and pretend I didn’t see you because Olivia made me vow that if I saw you I’d kill you.
Alex: Captain, please.
Cragen: Fine…go hide in my office. I’ll see what I can do.
Olivia and Elliot on Olivia’s errand…
Olivia: Excuse me, do you sell voodoo dolls?
Elliot: I’m just going to be quiet and pretend I’m not here.
Act 2: The Reunion
* * *doink*doink* * *
Later that day…
Alex (trying a joke): Hi, honey, I’m home…?
Olivia: !! (then) Whatever. I am so over you. SO OVER YOU! But just in case I still cared, what, exactly, is your excuse for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact me at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and your subsequent return to Witness Protection, huh?
Alex (trying honesty): I have no excuse. No one would grant me enough time to come up with a good one.
Olivia: Whatever. I’m so over you.
Alex (trying tenderness): Sweetie, please don’t be mad.
Olivia: Do not ‘sweetie’ me, sweetie! I’m so over you!
Alex (trying indignation): Really, Olivia, I honestly don’t know why you’re so angry…
Cragen: Maybe, Alex, because you’ve been back in New York for two years but haven’t even tried to contact her at all since your night of unbridled passion four years ago and your subsequent return to Witness Protection.
Alex: *sigh* Why does everyone have to keep bringing that back up?
Alex (trying contrition and begging): Look, I’m sorry. I screwed up. What can I do to make it up to you? I want to be with you again. I want there to be an us again.
Olivia: Talk to the hand, sweetheart, there isn’t an ‘us’ any more. There never will be again. If you had cared enough to contact me when you got back to New York, there might have been a chance, but I’ve moved on. Haven’t you read some of that Casey/Olivia fanfic out there? If you have then you know I’ve REALLY moved on, mhm.
Elliot: I’m just going to be quiet and pretend I’m not here.
Alex: Fine…if that’s really the way you feel, Detective.
Olivia: It is, Counselor.
Alex: Then I’ll just go now.
Olivia: That’s really for the best.
Act 3: Stubbornness and Scapegoating
* * *doink*doink* * *
Still in Cragen’s office…
Cragen: You realize you still have to work with her, right, Olivia? There’s nothing I can do about it, so please just try being professional.
Olivia: (neither pleased or amused by that prospect)
Cragen: And, maybe you should go see Olivet. This seems to be affecting you quite a bit. I think you’re in denial.
Olivia: I am not in denial and I have already been seeing Olivet. And I’ve been telling her what I told you earlier, what I just told Cabot and what I’ll tell you again: I am SO OVER HER.
Cragen: Uh-huh.
Elliot: I’m just going to be quiet and pretend I’m not here.
Munch: Good idea.
* * *doink*doink* * *
Outside Cragen’s office…
Alex: Well, shit. That went about as poorly as I had imagined. If Olivia won’t accept an apology, I’ll have to find a way to convince her it wasn’t my fault…oh, I know!!
Back at the DA’s office…
Alex: You have to help me out.
Boss: Oh lord, this doesn’t sound good.
Alex: You helped get me into this mess, you WILL help me get out of it!
Boss: And how do you expect me to help you get out of it?
Alex: You have to hold a press conference and tell everyone that you’ve been holding me hostage for the last two years and that’s the reason I haven’t contacted Olivia!
Boss: !!
Alex: Do it or else…
Press conference…
Boss: So, well, um, I’m here to make a statement. And that statement is…We’re all so, so happy to have had Alex Cabot back in New York and in the DA’s office for the last two years! And she’s so excited to be back and even more excited to be back working for SVU! She’d like to take your questions now…
Alex: Er, um, no, that’s not what we agreed to…
Reporter 1 (interrupting): Isn’t it true that you said you were ‘On the prowl?’
Reporter 2: Isn’t it true that you said you were, essentially, ‘Available to make out with any anyone?’
Reporter 3: Isn’t it true that you said that you ‘weren’t saying you’re not in love with Olivia?’
Alex: Er, um, er, uh, well, yes, I did say those things…
Act 4: They Start To See The Light
* * *doink*doink* * *
Back at the 1-6 having watched Alex’s press conference…
Munch: See, Olivia, she’s not denying she’s not in love with you! That’s good news.
Olivia: Does it look like I’m in the mood for you to speak to me at all?
Elliot: I’m just going to be quiet and pretend I’m not here.
Munch: I think she’s PMSing
Olivia: Son of a bitch.
Cragen: Okay, Olivia, calm down. Let’s just think about this. Surely there’s a reason why Cabot has been back in New York for two years but hasn’t even tried to contact you at all since your night of unbridled passion four years ago and her subsequent return to Witness Protection. And even if there isn’t, surely you can find it in her heart to forgive her. You care about each other too much not to.
Fin (thinking): Oooooo, yeah, I sense some Alex/Olivia lovin’ comin’ on and it’s gonna be sweeee-eeet.
Olivia: NO, NO, NO! How many times do I have to tell you people, it’s OVER OVER OVER. I DO NOT have feelings for her anymore. At all. In fact, I don’t think I ever did. Yeah, NEVER DID! Now where’s that voodoo doll I bought!
Cragen: I’m going to speak to you now in the calming voice of the always-right-and-caring-father-figure everyone out there loves and adores
Olivia: Don’t flatter yourself.
Cragen: Right. But anyway, don’t throw this away, Olivia. You and she have lost too much time already to bad writing, inexplicable cast changes, and even more inexplicable hair styles. Don’t let your own anger and fear of being hurt again make you lose more time.
Olivia: *sulks for a few minutes longer then sighs* I hate it when you’re so good at the father-figure stuff. *shakes head* Fine, next time I see her, I’ll forgive her. Because, you’re right, you’re always right.
Cragen: I know I am. Because I’m the always-right-and-caring-father-figure.
Alex, not knowing of Olivia’s change of heart, goes to cry on the shoulder of Dr. Olivet…
Alex: It’s over, Liz. I can’t believe it’s really over. I’ve screwed it up so badly this time for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact her at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection. She was so mad, so mad and I know it’s really over. And then I tried to do that press conference and that just blew up in my face and I know she saw it and I’m sure she’s even madder now and now she’s probably just laughing at me and she just hates me and it’s over.
Olivet (hesitant): Um, mhm. Right. Yeah. Over, mhm.
Alex (getting suspicious of Liz’s reaction): Wait….you know something I don’t, don’t you? Have you been seeing Olivia as a patient? Did she tell you something? If she did, you have to tell me!
Olivet: Have you ever noticed how my last name is a lot like “Olivia?”
Alex: Don’t try to distract me! Tell me what you know!
Olivet: I can’t. It would be a violation of doctor-patient privilege.
Alex: I’ll subpoena you if I have to.
Olivet: No judge will hold a hearing for this.
Alex (picks up phone): Uncle Bill…
* * *doink*doink* * *
Alex questions Olivet…
Alex: Alright, doctor, spill it.
Olivet: (refuses to speak)
Alex (getting impatient): May I remind you you’re here under subpoena.
Olivet: It doesn’t matter. I can’t tell you anything. Privilege! Privilege! Privilege! Neener neener neener!
Alex: You have to tell me! *throws tantrum*
Olivet: No, no, no! I told you I can’t!
Alex: Tell me or you won’t be my BFF anymore.
Olivet: When was I ever your BFF?
Alex: Pretty, pretty please?!?! Just tell me! *throws another tantrum*
Olivet: Fine! I don’t care if it’s a violation of doctor-patient privilege anymore! I need this all to end! Olivia has been in my office every single week for the last four years since your unbridled night of passion complaining that you’re the best she’s ever had and she can’t get you out of her mind and that all she can think about is the next time she can have mad hot passionate sex with you! There! Satisfied?!?
Alex: !!
Page Six reporter in the background (asking the person next to him): Did she just say what I think she just said?
Alex (escaping from the courthouse after Dr. Olivet’s courtroom bombshell): Out of the way you mangy reporters! I need to go see Olivia and have me some mad hot passionate sex tonight!
Act 5: A Happy Ending
* * *doink*doink* * *
Alex: BB, I’m sorry for being back in New York for two years but not even trying to contact you at all since our night of unbridled passion four years ago and my subsequent return to Witness Protection.
Olivia: It’s okay, bb. I’m sorry for buying a voodoo doll of you.
Alex: It’s okay, bb. We can have mad hot passionate sex now?
Olivia: I think the fans have waited long enough, so yes, we can.
Elliot: If I promise to be quiet and pretend I’m not there, can I watch?
Cragen: Another case solved by the Special Subtext Unit.