DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Loss
It's Always Been About You
By Dawn Smith
Alex was eleven when she kissed her first girl. After that, she knew, she would never be the same. Sure her eyes were opened to the truth. And, suffering from the same boldness as the rest of the Cabot clan, she couldn’t wait to shout the news to her younger brother who had not yet experienced the thrill, though he constantly dreamed and talked about such things.
To her dismay, however, he was shocked and appalled by her admission and went straight to their parents to inform them of his sister’s sinfulness. Although her father seemed a bit amused, (saying his daughter took after him), her mother determined to straighten out her misguided daughter, and promptly enrolled her in catholic school. But, an all girl catholic school was not exactly what it was cracked up to be.
Alex spent only one year there. And the entire year, she learned to lie and maneuver her way around truth, which basically contributed to her being a wonderful lawyer later in life. Whatever the case, it changed her life, but it never extracted the feelings that made her a lesbian. They were as inert as the unconscious need for rebellion and recognition. She was born the way she was--and proud of it, whether she spoke it aloud or not.
Bold and flamboyant as she was, Alex was perfect at inciting riotous behavior from her classmates. Many times, after declaring the truth about her new-found sexual identity, she was confronted by whispers and sniggers from her classmates, which usually led to direct confrontation. She would never back down from a fight. It just wasn’t in her nature. During one such event, she met another young woman who changed her life.
In the hallway after a class one day, she overheard some of the more popular girls whispering about her and when she passed by them, they laughed and called out to her aloud, “hey it’s the dyke.” Alex had never heard the term but was sure it was derogatory and proceeded to approach the girls who were calling her names. Before many words passed, Alex was on the floor atop a larger girl pounding and clawing at her face. But before the fight could get much worse, an older classmate grabbed Alex by the sweater and pulled her off the girl whose nose was bleeding incessantly.
Quickly, the older girl had control of the situation and ordered all of them out of the hallway and into their classrooms. But, she held on to Alex, despite Alex’s protests and curses. Jerking her to the side, she gave Alex the advice of a lifetime.
“Do you know who I am?” Alex yelled at her trying to break her grip.
“Of course, I know who you are.” The older girl replied. “You’re the little snot that’s running around telling everyone you like to kiss girls.”
Alex anger subsided when she stopped fighting and looked into the deep brown eyes that greeted her. To her surprise, they weren’t angry or mocking. She seemed genuinely concerned and when she smiled, Alex was immediately entranced. Straightening her hair and skirt, she suddenly felt very shy in this girl’s gaze.
“Take my advice,” the girl told her, “keep your private life private. You’ll go a lot further in the world. What you do is your business. It’s not always the loudest voice that’s heard the most or does the most good.”
After that, the brunette walked away. Her profile remained in Alex‘s head for years. It became her fantasy. Alex saw her regularly after that but never got another chance to talk to her. Taking the advice, she made a few friends and began to fit in, just long enough to convince her mother that she felt guilty about what she’d done. From one of the other girls, she learned the girl’s name--Olive. They said, “Olive was an excellent student and very serious person, but she kept to herself. No one really knew much about her, except that her mother was a drunk and she had no father.”
From then on, Alex became a serious person. She delved into her studies and reading, soon taking an interest in law--her father‘s profession. Watching the television and following the news, she became extremely concerned with the matters of the world and human rights. She decided, then, she would follow in her father’s footsteps and pursue a career in law. She never saw Olive again, until a cold, spring day in New York City.
There to meet an old friend and fellow attorney for lunch, she was made to wait when Abbie Caramichael was held up in court. It was a difficult trial and Abbie was prosecuting a sex offender. On the stand was one of New York’s finest, Detective Olivia Benson. It was by this odd turn of fate and chance that she saw Olivia again. Her voice and demeanor hadn’t changed at all, but she sported a shorter, bolder hairdo. And, once again, Alex was entranced.
At dinner, she questioned Abbie about the detective and learned of an opening in the D.A.’s office. It only took a phone call to put Alex Cabot in place. Though, she cringed at the thought of “sex-crimes,” she wanted to be somewhere to keep in touch with Olive, even though Olive, (rather Olivia) didn’t seem to ever remember her.
Soon, she was in the heat of the moment. Every situation different. Every new criminal she prosecuted took his toll on her. She felt herself becoming more and more about justice and less and less about Alex. And, her relationship with Olivia progressed slowly. Olivia was difficult to get close to.
As Olivia once advised, Alex, now, conducted her life--keeping her private life private. And, she grew accustomed to being last on Olivia’s list, but the absence only seemed to exacerbate her desires. However, the more she felt for Olivia, the farther she drifted from others. Her life became her work. Each day, she thrived on the simple, unrecognizable pleasures of spending time with the woman she obsessed about.
And Olivia helped her grow in many ways. Through their years working together, she often showed her the human side of things--things that were difficult to recognize from atop the hill in the Cabot mansion. In fact, until she came to New York and took the job at the District Attorneys office, Alex had never seen much of the world or of the suffering of the common, middle class and lower class people.
Here, she saw it all, including the evil. Rapists, pedophiles, transsexuals and predators of all shapes, sorts and sizes. To her dismay, she began to sympathize with many, and bleed for the victims. Like Olivia, she had a huge heart, but she was strong and kept her feelings hidden.
When Rafael Zapata murdered Olivia Sandoval, it all became too personal. Alex couldn’t help but see the similarities between the murder victim and her Olivia. She was bent on justice, determined to put the bastard away. The very thought of such an animal made her sick. She hated him immediately, and in a split second, just by opening her mouth, (that she had almost learned to control), she made herself a target. And, unwittingly put Olivia in imminent danger. But, she never expected it to go so far.
She and Olivia were just now beginning to explore their friendship. First, it was drinks with the squad, then a few quiet dinners, until she was almost ready to make a move. Though still unsure of Olivia’s feelings for her, she often caught a glimmer of hope from one of Olivia’s sneaked glances, followed by the flutter of eyelashes and the quick, unexplained, withdrawl. But the thought of Olivia loving her was worth living for, and certainly worth dying for. There’s was nothing she would not do for this dark, haired beauty--no road she would not walk nor any danger face.
When Agent Donovan informed her, she was a target. She became more determined to continue with Zapata’s prosecution. But when his car exploded, she was suddenly faced with the realization, it could have easily been them. No one could have warned her about the shock and horror of seeing a man burning in his car. Olivia told her that Donovan made a choice, but she still felt responsible. She made a choice, too.
After her apartment was cleared and she was safe at home, she felt no relief. Olivia offered to stay with her, and this time, she could not refuse. Immediately after getting inside, she hit the shower to wash the smoke and blood away. But the water broke her. She found herself crouched down, sobbing with anguish for the children who just lost their father and the wife who would sleep alone tonight. Nothing seemed to matter now. From her seat on the sofa, Olivia overheard the moans, and made her way to the door--desperately wanting to console her friend.
Suddenly insecure, she turned to go back into the living room when she heard a loud scream followed by a loud crashing noise. Instinctively, she burst through the door to find Alex just standing there, naked and bawling. The floor was littered with bottles, candles, and broken glass from the mirror. Alex was standing in the shattered pieces, motionless except for the jerks from the sobs.
Olivia reached for a large towel and quickly wrapped it around her shoulders then pulled her into an embrace. For a while, she held her there, just until the sobs quieted. Then kicking the glass to the side of her feet, she led Alex into the bedroom. Searching through the drawers, she found a pair of silk pajamas and helped Alex into them. Then she ordered her into the bed and covered her. Gently, she brushed the bangs to the side and softly kissed her forehead. Just as she backed away, Alex grabbed her blouse and held her face close.
“Please, stay with me,” she begged. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Sure, sweetie,” Olivia replied.
Sitting on the side of the bed, she threw off her shoes and socks and belt--laying her gun and badge on the nightstand, then she crawled into the bed beside Alex. Unsure of how much contact was inappropriate, Olivia tried not to invade her space--at first.
But Alex was determined to be close to her. She rolled over and placed her arm across her waist and her head on Olivia’s shoulder…so close Olivia could feel her hot breath on the side of her face.
“If I only had one minute left on this earth, this is how I’d like to spend it,” she said.
This bold admission surprised Olivia. So much, in fact, she caught her breath before turning to face Alex.
“What do you mean?” She gasped, suddenly at a loss for eloquence.
“I think, it’s pretty obvious,” Alex replied.
Moving forward, she planted a small kiss on Olivia’s lips. Olivia responded gently, unsure what motivated Alex to this point.
“Sweetie, you're just scared,” Olivia tried to rationalize Alex advances. “Don’t do something you’ll regret in the morning.”
“Regret?” Alex laughed aloud and turned back to face the ceiling. “You don’t have a clue. Do you?” She asked rhetorically.
“I know, you’re hurting.” Olivia pursued the subject further. “But, right now is probably not the best time to be making big decisions in your life.”
“Oh….!” Alex grumbled. “Just when would be the best time? Tomorrow? Well, you know what? We may not have tomorrow! And, I don’t want….,” her voice trailed off.
“Want what?”
“I don’t want to die without telling you how I feel!” Alex replied softly then turned back to face Olivia. With the back of her fingers, she gently stroked the side of Olivia’s face, then moved down the side of her neck to her arms. Olivia’s presence had already alighted a fire deep inside her heart. Maybe it was the wrong time and place, but she wanted desperately to touch the woman she craved for so long.
Olivia’s eyes fluttered softly. Alex hands felt so soft and cool against her skin that she lost herself in the moment, suddenly aware of how attractive Alex really was. Even now, without any makeup or sexy clothes, she was devastatingly beautiful.
Alex moved closer again, placing her arm around Olivia’s waist, she pressed her lips against Olivia’s again. This time, her lips were wet and soft, and they lingered there until Olivia’s body began to respond. Then she fought to pull herself away, knowing where her advances were leading.
“Umm…Alex” Olivia struggled for words. “What are you doing?”
Again, Alex laughed aloud. Was Olivia really this naïve to her feelings? Had she never suspected her desires? Since they had known each other, she had revealed herself in many ways. At first, by hanging on her every word, doing her every possible favor, and running to her beckon call. When none of it seemed to work, she resorted to shorter, sexier skirts and showing as much skin as possible…every day trying to appeal to the hormonal side--which, in retrospect, probably teased the guys more than it did Olivia.
“God…………!” Alex screamed at her, then pushed her back brutishly. “You just don’t get it. Do you!”
“Well, obviously, I don’t. So why don’t you explain it!” Olivia growled. They were both tense and scared…and maybe, being in bed together was not the best decision at that moment. Certainly, neither of them had much self control at that point.
Alex turned away and faced the ceiling again. But she had already gained Olivia’s undying attention. Though exhausted earlier, she was now filled with energy and excitement.
“It’s always been about you, Olivia,” Alex admitted. “Since the first day I saw you, I loved you!”
“What?” Olivia was, once again, shocked by Alex’s words.
“Never mind. Just forget it!” Alex grumbled and turned her back to Olivia. But Olivia couldn’t just forget it, now.
“You loved me?” She questioned.
“Yes, I love you, damn it!” Alex growled. “I‘m too tired to think anymore. Goodnight, Detective Benson!”
Suddenly, Olivia was more aroused than ever. She couldn’t let this moment get away. Brushing Alex hair aside, she pulled herself close behind Alex and placed her mouth on the side of Alex’s neck, then she bit her.
Alex gasped and raised up and turned back to face her, knocking Olivia off balance.
“That hurt,” she yelled, slightly punching Olivia’s shoulder.
“You got any energy, now?” Olivia laughed at Alex’s pretend anger. She could see a small mark turning red on the side of Alex’s neck. Suddenly, all the troubles of the week disappeared, and they were lost in each other. She moved in to kiss her again.
Soon, Alex was returning Olivia‘s gestures--this time more passionate than ever. Quickly, they fought to discard both her clothes and Alex’s pajamas. Then, they were naked, face to face--breast to breast.
“Alex,” Olivia paused for a moment and backed up slightly, forcing Alex to stop and look at her, “I love you, too. Always have, always will!”
With that admission, they returned to the task at hand, shutting the world outside their hearts forever.
The End