DISCLAIMER: Not mine, but they should be. Song lyrics belong to Hinder. Lyrics belong to Jennifer Paige's 'Beautiful'
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Amor caecus est
By Anne


~And in my darkest hours, I have wondered
Was it worth it for the time we had?
My thoughts get kinda scattered, but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you~

Sometimes Emma just liked to watch her.

Whether they were lying together in bed, alone or hanging out with the others, Emma would sometimes just watch her. She knew that Shalimar rarely noticed. She'd marvel at the beauty of the sunlight streaming through the window, catching strands of blonde and highlighting it in gold. Lying in bed beside her, Emma would trail her fingers over Shalimar's skin, tracing each of her features with a feather light touch before placing the gentlest of kisses upon sleeping lips, knowing that Shalimar had no idea she was being watched and loved.

Sometimes Shalimar would notice and Emma knew those were the best staring sessions. Sometimes Shalimar would smile at her, mouthing a silent 'I love you' before returning to her previous task. Other times she would smirk, winking at Emma and touching her body gently, someplace discreet letting her know they would catch up later, in private.

Emma thought that she knew everything about Shalimar, but when she thought about it, she realised that she didn't really know all that much to begin with. Except the little things and it was the little things that mattered and Emma knew that she knew all of them. They'd have plenty of time to figure out the rest.

Emma knew that Shalimar had ants in her pants; the woman just couldn't stay still. It had little to do with the feral DNA and more to do with the blonde herself. She hated being bored and no matter how hard she tried to stay still, she'd find her body moving subconsciously to things only she could hear. Emma found the trait to be adorable. Her girlfriend had the attention span of a goldfish, literally.

Emma knew that Shalimar's idea of breakfast was cereal, something that Emma didn't approve of when Shalimar seemed to get tinier each day. Emma knew that Shalimar had both a fascination and obsession with red meat and jokingly, Emma would pretend to be worried that Shalimar was going to leave her for a nice piece of steak one day. Emma knew that Shalimar would take an apple over an orange any day, eating it right down to the core before disposing of it. Emma knew that Shalimar preferred vanilla over chocolate but had a strange obsession with Phish Food ice cream. Emma was convinced that it was only because of the tiny fishes inside the ice cream.

Emma knew that Shalimar loved to dance, was more addicted to the bass than the music itself. She knew that certain songs had different effects on the blonde and if you looked close enough, you could see that. Emma knew that she would rather be amazed than stare at something in wonder, bringing out a little bit of that inner child. She would get this sparkle in her eyes and a grin so wide it nearly split her cheeks. Emma was always amazed by how beautiful she was, even when she looked like a little girl.

Emma knew that Shalimar looked good no matter what she wore, but she didn't really care all that much for fashion. No matter how put together she looked, only Emma knew that it took her less than a half hour to throw together. Emma knew that Shalimar didn't really care for jewelry unless it held some symbolic meaning to her and if she was wearing it; it would be silver not gold because the feral didn't like gold all that much.

Emma knew so very much about Shalimar. She knew that Shalimar preferred the moon over the sun, being nocturnal herself. She didn't like the mornings and preferred to curl up in Emma's arms, watching the sunset over the city below and reminding Emma that the next morning was a sleeping in morning. No matter how much sleep the blonde got, she was still always so tired and hated it. She refused to nap during the day, even when Emma used her best tactics trying to convince her girlfriend that a nap once in a while would do her some good. She knew that Shalimar spent forever shuffling around in bed before finally settling down to sleep, not because she was uncomfortable but because she liked to shuffle and it was one of her cute quirks. Emma knew that Shalimar had nightmares once in a while and Emma could always tell when they happened because Shalimar would make different sounds, and she would twist and turn, mumbling incoherently but Emma knew how to calm her down. Some nights it took longer than others, but eventually soft words and gentle whispers and the lightest of kisses would soothe the demons away. It took Emma a while before she knew that, before she discovered the way to soothe the feral but it was worth it when Shalimar turned into her arms, burying her head beneath Emma's chin and snuggling as close as possible, all the while staying deep in slumber.

She knew that every time they walked past a red cross, Shalimar would get a disappointed look upon her pretty features because she couldn't give blood. She wouldn't admit it, always joking around about buying her way into heaven, but she wanted to help people. It made her feel good knowing that she was doing something good for someone else. It was one of the many things that Emma loved about her.

Emma knew that Shalimar's favorite eye shadow was this perfect pink color that the poor blonde was convinced was purple. No matter how many times Emma tried to tell her that it was pink, the blonde would argue with her that it was purple. But it wasn't, Emma was convinced of this. Plus, it was adorable to watch Shalimar fight with her, shaking her head and insisting that she was right. Emma could only laugh and tell her she was wrong, following the statement with a gentle kiss. Shalimar's pout made Emma cave each time and Shalimar never resisted using it, even in an argument that never grew old between them. Emma knew that her pout had the same effect on Shalimar and she herself, never hesitated in stooping that low to win. Plus, Emma knew that pouting always lead to kisses.

Emma knew that Shalimar loved getting flowers, they made her smile more than any piece of jewelry or elaborate gift ever could. She knew that the blonde preferred them over chocolates and sweets, because flowers were more meaningful. Emma also knew that when she sent them, the blonde never quite understood the meaning of Emma's curvy handwriting on the card, never quite got the full sentiment behind the words Emma had chosen. But Emma was okay with that, knowing that the flowers had at least made the blonde smile, surrounded her in love and filled her with a warm fuzzy feeling was enough of a reason for Emma to know that sending them had been the right choice. Emma knew that Shalimar had a beautiful smile and when she did smile, it was the most breath-taking thing Emma had ever seen. It never failed to bring a smile of her own to Emma's lips. Shalimar's happiness was contagious.

Emma knew that Shalimar had a secret fetish with the rain and had often woken up to find Shalimar missing from the bedroom, the raindrops against the window pane her only clue as to where her girlfriend had disappeared off to. Emma would drag herself over to the foggy glass, peering outside to see her girlfriend spinning around in silly circles, her face lifted to the heavens as the rain continued to soak her through to the bone. Later, she would return to the bedroom, layers of clothes soaking wet and dripping and Emma knew that Shalimar was waiting for Emma's scowl. She was waiting for a lecture on getting sick and being out in the cold rain alone but Emma would only shake her head, smiling softly before removing each layer of clothing, using a towel to gently pat the feral dry and then Emma would lead her to the bed, telling her to sleep. Shalimar would be disappointed, Emma knew because she had been expecting a lecture and in Shalimar's defense, she would beg Emma to go out and play in the rain with her. One day, Emma planned on joining her but that day had yet to come. Emma knew that Shalimar loved her anyway.

Emma knew that Shalimar had a habit of disappearing for days at a time, when she was lost in her own mind and she just needed to get away. Emma would let her go, until she missed her so much that she couldn't help but go and find her. Emma knew that Shalimar always went to the same spot, a quiet little space, deep inside the woods that no one else would ever think of finding her at. Emma would talk to her quietly, her words soft and gentle as she pleaded with Shalimar to open up to her. The blonde never did and each time cut into Emma, more painful than the last but Shalimar always came back with her so Emma could at least be grateful for that.

Emma knew that Shalimar was smarter than she gave herself credit for, but she lacked direction in her life. She knew that the facade Shalimar showed to the world was not the person that she really was. Emma knew that Shalimar was one of the strongest, smartest women she had ever met. Emma knew that Shalimar was too hard on herself because of other people's expectations. Emma wished that Shalimar would just be herself more often because it was when Emma loved her the most.

Emma knew that Shalimar loved her, because she would say it so often. Shalimar always told her after they made love, after they had sex and yes, Emma always knew when the difference when there. Shalimar would whisper it to her randomly, she would inject it right in the middle of their conversations, Shalimar would tell her whenever they had a disagreement or whenever they were leaving one another. Shalimar would tell her every night before bed, following each word with a kiss and every time Emma heard it, it made her stomach flutter and always brought upon a smile. But Emma also knew that those words didn't hold the same meaning for Shalimar as they did for Emma. Oh, Emma knew that Shalimar loved her, but it wasn't the same as Emma's love for her.

And even though Emma wasn't looking for this, she knew that the second they crossed that line, she was done for. Shalimar was everything that she never even knew she wanted and then some. Emma knew that Shalimar completed her, in every way possible. Emma knew that her words were a silent promise of forever that Shalimar never understood, and no matter how Emma phrased it she knew that her words would never be good enough. They would never quite tell Shalimar what she was trying to say.

Emma also knew that for every thing that she did know, there was something else that Shalimar didn't know. It was the little things that Emma took notice of, it were the little things that made Emma fall in love with the feral. Some thing as simple as Shalimar getting her ice in her drink made Emma love the blonde all the more. When they went out to eat, Shalimar didn't even bother to pull faces at Emma's food any longer. Shalimar would kiss Emma each morning before she left the room, the lightest of touches rousing the girl from her sleep in the nicest of ways. Shalimar would do all kinds of loving things for Emma, charming her over and over again and Emma couldn't imagine loving anyone else but Shalimar.

When she whispered 'te amo', conveying heartfelt words in another language, they took on a whole other meaning multiplying the English version into something so much more, something so much bigger and she knew that Shalimar didn't have a clue. The blonde took the words with a smile and returned them with a kiss but she didn't quite get Emma's meaning. Sometimes that worried Emma. She loved the blonde so much that it scared her. And sometimes she didn't know how to handle that love, didn't know what to do with it so she knew damn well that Shalimar wouldn't been able to handle the full extent of her emotions. Emma knew it was for the better to keep most of her feelings hidden. She loved the blonde enough to try and keep her safe from too many over-whelming emotions.

But most of all, more than anything else, more than all of the funny little quirks and the favorites of things that she knew, more than all the moans and soft touches, more than the hours of passion and lovemaking, Emma knew that Shalimar was her world. Emma knew that she was willing to spend the rest of her life with Shalimar, even if it took her that long to convince the blonde of how much she loved her. Emma knew that she was willing to do anything to make the feral feel the same way about her as she did for her, except use her powers. She wanted Shalimar's love fair and square, wanted it to be just as true and meaningful as Emma's. Emma knew that scared the hell out of her in the long run. Emma knew that they broke so many rules to be together, they were taking so many chances on each other and risking so much. But as much as that terrified her, Emma knew that she'd risk everything and more for Shalimar.

But more than being afraid, Emma knew that Shalimar made her happy, she knew that Shalimar was her other half. Nobody had ever made her feel so complete. Shalimar made her feel, more than anything, more than anyone when she had spent so many years fighting her feelings, trying to block them out. Emma knew that Shalimar made her a better person, made her want to be a better person. Because of Shalimar, Emma wanted to do more with her life than hide. Emma knew that without Shalimar, she didn't feel right. Without Shalimar, there was no light and Emma felt cold.

Emma knew that Shalimar would always be her best friend, no matter what happened to them later on down the line. Emma knew that she would never regret any of the things they did. When Shalimar looked at her, it mattered. Shalimar mattered and it was too much too soon and Emma was afraid of the over blow of emotions that would come when Shal stopped looking, when it still mattered but it didn't. Emma knew that every moment spent with the blonde was a moment well spent and she knew that every time she had Shalimar in her arms, she was holding something indefinable but incredible.

But most of all, Emma knew that she'd always love Shalimar and that love would always be returned, even if it wasn't the way that Emma wanted it. Emma knew that nothing could ever change the way she felt for Shalimar, and for the moment, Emma knew that it would always be enough to just love the blonde, even if things ended up going in a different direction for each of them in the future.

Because Emma knew...

~The world belonged to you and me
The innocence we've lost
The hurting at the end I'd go there again,
´cause it was beautiful.~

The End

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