An Interview With...
"I'm pleased for them, of course," said Snow, her smile tight and fingers digging painfully into her arms where they crossed her body. "It was something of a surprise, that's all; I mean, we thought it would be Neal."
"Or Hook," interrupted Charming.
"Yes," agreed Snow, her impossibly tight smile tightening even further at her husband's excited tone, "it could have been Hook." A flicker of vindication crossed her face. "But it wasn't."
"No." Charming sighed wistfully, "I'm sure he'll get over it, in time."
Snow's false smile faded as she turned to glare at her husband. "Always so concerned about your precious Captain Hook! I don't know why you didn't marry him instead of me."
"I hadn't met him back then," Charming mumbled, before summoning up his most love-sick expression to calm his wife with a diplomatic, "because you are the love of my life."
"Yeah, right." Snow did not look appeased.
"It's kinda weird, I guess," said Henry. "My two moms being together." He paused for a moment. "It's good, though, really good." A smile broke out on his face. "Yeah, it's really good."
Neal looked at the ground, his shoulders hunched and countenance forlorn. "Regina, who knew?"
"I knew she had the hots for Regina the first time I saw them together," confided Ruby. "You don't get that kind of heat from loathing alone, trust me."
Tink looked like she was about to argue but decided the better of it. "When I first met Regina she was too scared to love, but with Emma..." She looked at Ruby to assure herself she wasn't about to be mocked, "it's as if her heart's been reborn."
"By way of her lady bits," Ruby added.
"Yes, pleased," Snow reiterated. "Very pleased."
Charming nodded, until he saw the scowl descending over his wife's face with every movement of his head.
"Ah, my fair Swan," sighed Hook, "we could have been beautiful together." The wistful look hovered over his face for three beats of the heart before crumbling into a lecherous grin. "Not that there isn't plenty of beauty to be had."
"Stop picturing them both naked," instructed Mulan.
Neal continued to look at his shoes.
"Regina? I mean, seriously?" Snow had begun pacing, unaware that the camera had once again been turned on. "She couldn't have fallen in love with any old evil queen, no, she had to fall in love with the one that's been trying to kill me since I came of age."
"There are other evil queens?" asked Charming.
"Rumple, she could have fallen in love with Rumple, if she had to go dark, but no, she had to pick Regina!"
Charming looked horrified. "You'd pick Rumple over Regina?" He knew which one he'd rather wake up to in the mornings, but wisely chose not to share that little piece of information with his wife.
"Oh, I know that look," accused Snow, "you think I don't notice the way you look at her?"
"At who, Regina?"
"Can't keep your hands to yourself," Snow seethed. "I've seen the way you're always offering her your hand when she's been knocked to the ground or patting her on the shoulder when she's done something semi-heroic."
"The true love bit, that kinda surprised me," Ruby admitted. "Lust, sure, that was obvious, but true love is kinda rare." Her smile turned wicked. "Snow about shit-a-brick when she found out."
Tink giggled but did not contradict.
"MhhnouhhmmYhmmou!" groaned Hook, but Mulan refused to release the gag.
"I need to go," said Henry, "my moms will be wondering where I am." He picked up his school bag and prepared to leave. "This was a good idea," he said, smiling goofily at Archie behind the camera, "I think my moms need to know how happy everyone is that they're together and we can all finally be one big happy family."
"Very, very pleased," said Snow, "isn't that right, Charming?"
Charming glared at his true love and wondered if Regina would let him sleep on their couch for a few days. "A dream come true," he said, and watched as the first crack started to appear in Snow's latest fake smile. "Who would have thought? Regina, as our daughter-in-law."
Snow White fainted.
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