DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: Based around the episode 'Guilt'.
ADA Alexandra Cabot pushed open the door to her apartment. She slammed it shut behind her. Dropping her briefcase and keys on the hall table she headed straight for the kitchen. Reaching for a glass, she decided to forego her nightly glass of wine in favor of something stronger. This day certainly called for some scotch. She tossed back the first of what she suspected would be several drinks quickly and poured another. What would be the harm in tying one on tonight? After all, she thought cynically, it's not like I have to go to work tomorrow.
She was a third of the way through the bottle of scotch when she began replaying the last week in her head. It had started simply enough. SVU had gotten a complaint from Sam Cavanaugh's mother. Alex thought she had made her case when they agreed Sam would wear a wire when he talked to Roy Barnett. When the tape failed to yield sufficient evidence, she had had to rethink things.
She shook the images out of her head. She was not far enough into the bottle to relive the last night she had seen Sam. Her mind rebelled against it, even as the ache started in her throat and tears stung her eyes.
She was alone in the dark on her living room couch, her arms wrapped around her kneeswhich were pulled to her chest. A few drinks later, Sam's face floated into her head again. That night, she offered him a ride home. He had said he would take a cab.
Later that night, she was awakened by the ringing of her phone. She remembered standing in front of Detectives Stabler and Benson at the hospital and asking them what happened. Sam's mother came in. Alex's already-breaking heart had shattered into pieces at the rage and pain in her voice as the woman screamed at her. "Is there anything else you want him to do for you?"
She stood in shocked silence as Olivia grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back. Elliot restrained Sam's mother. Alex remembered the feel of Olivia's strong hands locked around her upper arms as she guided her out of the hospital.
Unable to handle the sudden emptiness that engulfed her, Alex reached for her phone, dialing with shaking fingers.
"Benson." Alex took a deep breath at the sound of Olivia's voice.
"Olivia-" Her voice cracked and she stopped.
"Olivia, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right nowbutI needI don't want to be alone right now." Alex spoke quietly, her voice a harsh whisper.
"Alex, I'll be there in about 20 minutes." Olivia did not hesitate. Alex was right, Olivia was still unsure of her feelings about the last week as well. But she could not turn her back on the raw emotion in Alex's voice. Olivia picked up on the slurring of Alex's words and wondered how much she had to drink. She hung up the phone, grabbed her coat and headed for Alex's apartment.
Olivia got in the elevator at Alex's building and pushed the button for her floor. Just before the doors closed a couple with two kids got in. Olivia watched in disbelief as the smaller of the two children pushed the buttons for every floor. She saw the couple exchange amused glances. She leaned back against the wall with an impatient sigh. As the elevator stopped on the second floor, the family exited, leaving Olivia to go up, stopping at every floor. She supposed she could get out and take the stairs. Instead she closed her eyes and thought about the past week.
It had been a hard case for all of them. But, she decided, Alex had taken the worst of it. She knew the ADA had met with Donnelly today, and she wondered what the outcome had been. After Sam had overdosed, Olivia had seen Alex becoming increasingly pale, the dark circles under her eyes becoming more pronounced. She thought about the confrontation between Alex, Elliot and Captain Cragen in the squad room.
"I try the cases I am handed by this Squad." The voice of Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot carried across the squad room of the NYPD's Special Victims Unit. She grew more incensed by the minute. When Elliot accused her of only trying cases she could win, she lost it. "If you don't like the evidence I've got, find me some more. I can't do your job too!"
"You can't do my what?" Elliot shot back.
"Out of line Alex," Captain Cragen warned.
Olivia had been watching the exchange trying to decide if she should jump in. She had never seen the ADA so up in arms before. But what really kept her sitting on her desk watching (instead of jumping in) was the fact that she felt the urge to jump to Alex's defense, not Elliot's, and that felt disloyal to her partner. Alex rounded on Cragen.
"I am not out of line and I don't work for you. You work for me, at my discretion. Your sole purpose in this process is to bring me a case I can prosecute, not one I have to fix!" Alex punctuated her words with a stab of her finger.
Olivia looked at Cragen, not believing he had not taken Alex's head off yet. He seemed to realize that she was as frustrated as they were and just needed release.
"Fine. Then you tell us, Counselor. How can we help you put this man away? What would you like us to do?" His words sunk in and Alex sighed deeply. Olivia saw resignation and sadness come into her eyes. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter.
"Nothing. You've done all you can." It was as close as she was going to come to an apology right then.
Olivia watched Alex turn and walk away, fighting the urge to go after her. Alex would not want her sympathy and she feared Elliot would see the betrayal.
At the soft knock on the door, Alex crossed the room and flung open the door. When she saw Olivia standing on the other side of the door, she turned and headed back for the couch, assuming Olivia would follow.
Olivia watched Alex walk away unsteadily. Alex was wearing a well worn t-shirt and cotton pajama pants. She hastily ran her fingers through her hair. It was an uncharacteristic gesture for Alex Cabot. Olivia was accustomed to seeing a well put together Assistant District Attorney. This past week had made Alex seem almost human.
Olivia closed and locked Alex's apartment door behind her and walked into the living room. She had been to Alex's place once before. Alex had thrown a Christmas party and invited the detectives. The living room was dark. From the light streaming through the window, Olivia could make out Alex's form curled up in one corner of the couch. Olivia took a few steps and lowered herself into an over stuffed chair. She watched as Alex raised a glass to her lips. Her eyes flickered to the coffee table and the half empty bottle of scotch sitting there.
"Was that bottle full?" Alex's eyes shot to Olivia's face. Well, Olivia has always been direct, she thought. Alex fought the short temper she seemed to have developed over the past week. Instead of temper, she chose to display pride.
"Yes. It was," Alex replied, raising her chin a notch. "Would you like a drink?"
"I'll get it," Olivia said after a small pause. She rose and headed for the kitchen to retrieve a glass.
Alex watched Olivia cross the room. She wore a sage green polo and well worn blue jeans that looked like they were made for her body. Alex's eyes drifted to the soft denim that covered Olivia's ass. Damn, alcohol always affected her like this. Despite everything else that was going on in her life, a few drinks were enough to make Alex horny as hell. When Olivia pushed back through the door Alex had to admit it wasn't just the alcohol that was affecting her. Her gazed drifted from Olivia's trim waist up to firm breasts outlined by the clinging fabric of her shirt.
"How are you holding up, Alex?" Olivia poured herself a drink and then sat back in the chair. She spoke quietly, concern lacing her voice. When Alex didn't answer, she posed another question. "What happened with Donnelly?"
"One month suspension," Alex answered simply. When she sensed Olivia was about to speak again, she went on. "Olivia, I don't really want to talk about him." She couldn't bring herself to say Sam Cavanaugh's name. She swallowed the last of another drink and reached for the bottle. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you. I just don't want to talk about it tonight. It seems that I am going to have the next month to dwell on it," She said, as she filled her glass. "I don't think I will know what to do with all this free time."
"It'll be good for you, Alex. You've been working too hard." Olivia didn't push her to talk about it. Olivia was staring at her drink as she rolled the glass between her hands. Alex felt the warmth of the last few drinks spreading through her and she succumbed to the arousal that followed.
"Detective?" Alex waited until Olivia met her eyes before she continued. "I don't bite hard," she purred suggestively, patting the couch beside her.
When Olivia only stared at her, Alex stood and crossed to stand in front of the chair where the brunette sat. She leaned over, bracing her hands on the arms of her chair.
"Alex." Olivia's voice stopped her with their lips only inches apart.
"Shhh." Alex closed the distance and pressed her mouth to Olivia's.
Olivia responded immediately. She had often wondered what kissing Alex would feel like. Their mouths opened and Alex's tongue stroked against hers. She tasted sweet, with the slight taste of scotch. Olivia reached up and pulled Alex towards her. Never breaking the kiss, Alex straddled Olivia's lap.
Olivia's hands cradled Alex's jaw. Alex felt the gentleness in Olivia's touch. She rebelled against it. She did not want gentleness now. She needed intensepassionate. She needed to be possessed.
"Alexbabywait." Olivia broke the kiss, grasping Alex's waist. Whatever protest she had been about to offer was lost when Alex reached for the hem of her own t-shirt. She pulled it over her head. She wore no bra underneath.
Olivia's resistance melted away at the sight of Alex's breasts. Alex stood and reached for the waistband of her pajama pants. Olivia looked at Alex's face; her blue eyes were glassy from the scotch. She looked tired. Olivia wanted to comfort her, to hold her, but Alex was making it clear that was not what she needed tonight. Olivia would give her what she needed.
When Alex crawled back into her lap, Olivia grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her again, roughly. Olivia sucked Alex's lower lip into her mouth, biting it. When Olivia's hand found Alex's breast, Alex arched her back, pushing her flesh further into Olivia's hand. Olivia quickly replaced her hand with her mouth, sucking hard on first one nipple and then the other.
Alex's fingers dug into Olivia's shoulders as she held on against the onslaught of Olivia's mouth. Her skin burned everywhere Olivia touched. She fisted one of her hands in Olivia's hair, holding her mouth against her chest. Olivia's hands roamed over Alex's hips and caressed the curve of her ass, pulling her more tightly against her. One hand slipped between Alex's thighs. Alex rose up on her knees, giving Olivia better access. She needed no more foreplay. She needed Olivia, quickly.
"Insideplease," Alex begged brokenly. Olivia complied, roughly, and so deeply Alex gasped. Alex buried her face in Olivia's neck. Olivia's expert fingers stroked Alex to orgasm quicklyalmost violently. Alex felt her release tearing at herbreaking her into tiny piecesshattering the control she had never really had a firm grip on to begin with.
When she felt Alex's body shaking beneath her hands, and heard her quiet sobs, Olivia withdrew her fingers and gathered Alex against her. Alex shifted in her lap, and allowed Olivia to wrap her arms around her.
Alex's arms came around her neck. Olivia slipped one arm under Alex's knees and the other around her back. Standing, she carried Alex to her bedroom. She placed Alex on her bed and when she would have pulled away, Alex's arms tightened around her neck.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right back." She went to the bathroom and came back with a handful of Kleenex, which she handed to Alex as she crawled into the bed beside her. Alex swiped at the tears that flowed freely down her face. Olivia propped the pillows against the headboard. She sat back and placed another pillow in her lap. She gently urged Alex to lay her head on that pillow. She brushed the hair off Alex's forehead, lulling Alex into sleep.
Alex opened her eyes slowly, and then slammed them shut when the morning light increased the throbbing in her head. She groaned and tried to roll over. That's when she noticed the weight of an arm around her waist. She slowly pried open her eyes again and looked down to see a tan arm draped over her, a hand curling possessively against her stomach. She started to slip out of bed, but Olivia's arm tightened in her sleep.
Determine to shake off her hangover, and maybe feeling the need to punish herself a little, Alex tried again. Olivia stirred.
"Mmmm .Where are you trying to go?" Olivia murmured in her ear.
"I'm going for a run," Alex answered. Olivia growled in protest, but she let Alex slip away from her. She closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep as Alex got dressed.
Alex ran harder than usual, pushing herself while mentally berating herself. Just great, Alex, not only did you screw up at work, but now you've probably screwed things up with Olivia too. Have a few drinks, call her up, and then throw yourself at hergreat plan for dealing with getting suspended.
She had always found the dark haired detective attractive. Sure, in the beginning she had convinced herself that she simply admired her on a professional level. When she began to realize there was more to it, she rebelled against it. After all, she had political aspirations, and they did not include a relationship with a woman. She just hoped Olivia understood. Though Olivia made her feel things no man had come close to, Alex pushed that thought away, forcing herself to think about what she was going to do to get her career back on track after this latest fuck up. For the rest of her run, she purposely avoided thoughts of the case that ended in her suspension or of a certain brunette.
When she returned to her apartment she found it empty. As she walked into the kitchen she picked up the note. 'Going home to get ready for work. I'll call you later. Liv'
Olivia leaned back in her chair, opening her newspaper. Elliot came in and set a cup of her favorite blend of coffee in front of her.
"Hey, I stopped at that café you like on the way in," he said, dropping in his own chair. He noticed the smug smile on Olivia's face. He grabbed the metro section of her paper and opened it, studying her over the top of it. When he caught her humming softly, he spoke.
"Who is she?" Olivia looked up at his voice. She picked up her coffee and took a slow sip.
"Whoever put that smile on your face." Before Olivia could think of a way to avoid his question, they were interrupted by Captain Cragen.
"Benson, Stabler, got a vic down at Bellevue for you."
"We're on it, Cap." They grabbed their coats and headed for the hospital.
A few minutes later, as he negotiated traffic Elliot glanced at her.
"You're not going to tell me? Come on, Liv, you know I live vicariously through you."
"Sorry, El, I'm keeping this one to myself."
It was several hours before Olivia had a minute alone. They had gotten back from the hospital in time for Elliot to leave for court, and that left Olivia at her desk working on paperwork. When Fin and Munch left for lunch and she had the squad room to herself, Olivia picked up her phone.
"Hello." Alex answered on the second ring.
"Olivia, how are you?" Olivia frowned at formal tone of Alex's voice.
"Something wrong, Alex?"
"Well, I am already bored only 29 more days to go though," Alex said with a short laugh.
"Listen, Alex, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight?"
"Ah Olivia" She hesitated. "I think I just need to be alone tonight."
"Okay. If you need anything you know how to find me." Olivia hung up quickly. She wondered at the ice in Alex's voice.
Alex was just stepping out of the shower when she heard the doorbell ring. Pulling on her robe, she tied it loosely around her waist. She ran a brush through her still wet hair. She checked the peephole and then steeling herself she opened the door.
Olivia stood in the hallway, looking uncertain. Her brown eyes showed concern and maybe a little anger.
"Come in, Detective." Alex stepped aside and allowed her to enter.
As Olivia stepped inside she brushed past Alex. She caught the clean scent of soap and the faint smell of something tropicalher shampoo, Olivia guessed. Trying not to picture what lay beneath her robe, Olivia stepped away, putting some space between the two women.
"What's going on, Alex? You've been avoiding me."
"No, I" Alex started to speak but Olivia interrupted.
"Oh, come on, Alex. For the past three days, when you do answer your phone, you're short with me. Look, Alex, I am not really about one night stands, but if what happened the other night meant nothingif you want me to pretend it didn't happen, you need to give me a heads up here, and I'll leave you alone."
"I just have a lot going on right now."
"And I want to help, Alex. I know you're going through a lot right now. And maybe you don't want to talk about Sam or the case, so just tell me what you need, Alex."
I need you. The words ran through Alex's head, scaring her as much as they excited her. She didn't speak but Olivia saw it, the flicker of interest, of heat that flashed in her blue eyes. She stepped closer.
"Tell me that the other night only happened because you were drunk, Alex," she demanded.
"OliviaI am not a lesbian." She spoke the words simply, believing, as she had been raised to, that they were true.
"Tell me, Alex. Say itsay you were drunkand that was the only reason." Olivia took another step.
Alex knew her next step back would put her against the wall in the entryway. She did not take that step, choosing, instead, to stand her ground. The two women were toe to toe. When she opened her mouth to speak, she felt Olivia's hand reach out and grasp the belt of her robe. She lowered her eyes. Olivia dipped her head to keep Alex's gaze, drawing her eyes back up.
"Olivia" Her voice was merely a whisper. Olivia pulled on the belt, Alex's robe fell open. Olivia's hand snaked inside, brushing against her bare skin. Alex felt her body flush at the touch.
"Alex, tell me thatnow that you're soberyou don't feel anything when I touch you," Olivia said firmly.
"Liv, I can't do this. I can't deal with this in my life right now." Alex avoided Olivia's demands, speaking the only words she knew to be true. Olivia traced her fingers over Alex's breast. At Alex's words she pinched one of her nipples between her finger and thumb. Alex's breath hissed through her teeth at the sharp sensation.
"That is not the answer to my question. Tell me you don't feel that." Olivia's voice lowered dangerously. Using her other hand, she traced one finger between Alex's breasts and down her stomach. "I promise, Alex, you say it and I will walk out the door right now and we will go back to working together like it never happened."
Alex didn't speak. Olivia moved forward, pushing her back against the wall. She pushed her hands further inside the robe, sliding them down Alex's sides to her hips. She pressed the length of her body against Alex's.
"Tell me you don't feel this," Olivia whispered in Alex's ear as she slipped two fingers inside her warmth. "Ah, you're so wet Alex, even if you said it, your body would make a liar out of you."
As Olivia's fingers moved inside of Alex she pressed her thumb against her clit. She covered Alex's mouth, smothering her moans. Alex's tongue pushed inside Olivia's mouth. Her arms wrapped around Olivia's neck, holding on as her knees weakened.
Olivia leaned closer still, bracing her knee against the wall between Alex's legs and using her own body weight to pin Alex against the wall, holding her up.
Alex pulled her mouth from Olivia's, needing desperately to catch her breath. She sucked in her breath as Olivia's fingers found a particularly wonderful spot. Olivia felt Alex's muscles tighten around her fingers. When Alex pressed her face into Olivia's neck, panting and moaning, Olivia quickened her pace and applied just a bit more pressure with her thumb. As she climaxed, Alex closed her teeth over the skin at Olivia's neck.
"This has just been such an incredibly hard week," Alex said with a sigh.
Olivia sat on the couch, her back against one arm, one leg stretched out and the other hanging off the side. Alex sat between her legs, her back to Olivia, lying back against her. Olivia stroked one hand through Alex's drying hair and rubbed her neck. She had pulled her robe back around her, but she did not retie the belt.
"I know, Alex."
"I keep thinking there was something I should have done for himfor Sam." She forced herself to say his name. "I screwed it all up. I pissed off Petrovski and Donnelly, thinking if I could just give him justice. But it's not enough, the guilt won't go away." Olivia didn't know how to take her pain away. "Then I end up getting myself suspended. And letting you and Elliot believe I had that warrantI was just trying to protect you, Liv."
"I know. But you should have trusted us. When I asked you if there were any restrictions on the search warrant, you looked me in the eye and lied to me."
"I'm sorry," Alex whispered.
"I was so worried about you, Alex. It was obvious you weren't sleeping, you looked exhausted."
"Petrovski told me I looked like hell."
"You did Alex. Cragen gave me and Elliot hell for trying to cover for you when we found out there was no warrant. But I have to admit I was impressed when you let him have it that day in the squad room."
Alex turned in Olivia's arms, and kissed her.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" She asked when she pulled back. Olivia seemed to be considering her question.
"Are you going to run away from me in the morning?" When Alex shook her head from side to side, she continued. "I'll stay."
"Good." Alex pulled her legs underneath her and rose up on her knees, leaning into Olivia's body. She kissed her deeply. "Then come to bed with me." She stood up, pulling Olivia with her. She took the detective's hand and led her towards her bedroom.
Alex woke up the next morning with a sense of déjà vu. Minus the headache, she once again felt the weight of Olivia's arm around her. She felt the warmth of Olivia's body pressed against her back. Laying her hand over Olivia's, she lightly played her fingers over the other woman's.
Olivia opened her eyes. She turned her hand over, threading her fingers through Alex's. She's still here, she thought. She lay there for a minute in complete contentment, letting the memories from the previous night wash over her.
Alex had led her into the bedroom; she had slowly undressed Olivia dropping kisses on each inch of newly exposed skin. Olivia was surprised when Alex, who had shed her clothes without abandon and climbed into Olivia's lap just a few nights ago, suddenly became shy.
"LivI've neverI meanyou'll have to tell me" Olivia silenced her by covering her mouth with her own.
Now, lying next to her in the morning light, a slow smile spread across her face as she remembered how Alex had explored her body. As thorough a prosecutor as Alex was, it shouldn't have surprised Olivia when Alex took her time, learning Olivia's body and its reactions to her touch.
Olivia was surprised she felt so awake, considering they had not gotten more than a few hours of sleep last night. Alex rolled over to face her, and kissed her. Olivia traced her fingers down Alex's spine lazily.
"I've got to get up and get ready for work," Olivia said when they reluctantly pulled apart. Alex ignored her, running her hand across Olivia's flat stomach and over her hip. Olivia captured her hand, stopping its progress. "I'm going to be pushing it to get there on time as it is." She slid out from beneath the sheets and padded, naked, towards the bathroom.
Alex watched her walk away. A sly smile spread across her lips as she noticed the scratch marks across Olivia's back. She remembered distinctly the moment they appeared there. Olivia had just lifted her mouth from between Alex's legs and crawled up her body. Alex was still trembling from her orgasm when she felt Olivia fingers stroke inside of her, pushing her towards another climax. She had wrapped her legs around Olivia's waist and her arms around her back. As she came again, it was stronger than the first, and she raked her nails from Olivia's shoulders to her lower back as she cried out her name.
As she heard the shower come on in the bathroom, Alex slid out of bed. She stepped lightly on the cool hardwood beneath her feet. Olivia was going to be late for work, Alex decided as she entered the already steamy bathroom.
Elliot watched Olivia stroll through the door to the squad room 30 minutes late for work. Whistling, she headed directly for the coffee pot. He waited until she had poured a cup and sat down at her desk. She looked up and caught him studying her.
"What?" She asked innocently.
"Liv, you're really not going to tell me?"
"I don't know what you mean, El." Olivia raised an eyebrow coyly. It wasn't that she didn't trust Elliot. And, she admitted, it wasn't that she didn't want to tell him. But she and Alex had not discussed how they would handle work. And she was unsure of where they were headed herself. So she remained quiet.
A few hours later, Olivia, Elliot, Munch, and Fin were sitting around discussing their current case, when their ADA walked through the door carrying several brown paper bags.
"Cabot, what brings you down here?" Munch asked.
"I brought lunch. Call it a peace offering for Elliot and Olivia." She began unpacking thick deli sandwiches from one of the bags. "Don't worry guys I brought you some too," she said when Munch and Fin began to protest. She pulled out two styrofoam containers of potato salad and a couple of bags of chips. Elliot stood and approached her.
"How are you, Alex?" He asked, laying a hand on shoulder. His tone said all was forgiven.
"Going stir crazy already and I have three weeks left on my sentence," she admitted.
Olivia remained in her seat watching this interaction. When she had finished unpacking the food, Alex leaned against Olivia's desk. Olivia munched contently on some potato chips as she listened to her co-workers chatting companionably with Alex.
Elliot leaned back in his chair, digging in to his sandwich. He would be going crazy too if he wasn't working, he thought. And he knew Olivia wouldhis thoughts stopped abruptly as he looked up at Olivia. His eyes went from Olivia to Alex and backno, he must have imagined that look that just flew between the two women.
"Did you tell Elliot?" Alex asked, kneading Olivia's foot in her hands beneath the water. They sat at opposite ends of Olivia's bathtub, submersed in hot, fragrant water. Olivia scooped up a handful of bubbles from the surface and blew them in Alex's direction.
"He just gave me a weird look today when I was there at lunchtime."
"Would it be a big deal if he figured it out?" Olivia held her breath waiting for Alex's answer.
"I guess not. I just I like spending time with you, Olivia. I mean, we've been getting to be friends for a while now. And this newumaspectit's amazing, Liv." She smiled shyly, sliding her hands up to massage Olivia's calf.
"What are you worried about, Alex?" Olivia asked, reading the uncertainty in Alex's eyes.
"I can't lie. I'm attracted to you. I think we have proven that." She emphasized her point by leaning forward and sliding her hands over Olivia's knee and up her thigh. "But I never considered this a possibility for me, Liv. I don't know where this fits into my life."
"Alex don't get ahead of yourself, okay? This doesn't have to be anything more than it is. A mutually satisfying physical aspect of what was becoming a good friendship." Olivia pushed aside her own doubt to reassure Alex.
"So, it's okay, if this is just between us, for now?"
"Sure," Olivia assured her.
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