DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Proctor & Gamble. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: A great big gigantic hug and thank you to addisonizzie aka Carla for the read through and kind words. I am very, very new to this couple and it's been 20 years since I've seen an episode of GL. I'm hoping I came close at least to these characters and didn't mess up too badly. I was listening to Within Temptation's songs All I Need and Frozen and this idea came to me and wouldn't let go. Lastly, I took a little liberty with the word "immoral." I don't know if this was actually ever said, but I read a reply in a forum post where a woman said the storyline was 'immoral' and after I finished laughing and reminding her that most of what happens in a soap opera can be construed as "immoral" I decided to incorporate that here. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Anyway, on with the show:
SPOILERS: March 26 episode and probably the ones preceding that just to be safe.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Oh God, you did it. I can't believe you really did it. I sit dazedly on my bed and half heartedly swipe at the tears on my face.
Almost against my will, I turn to look at the obnoxious black beeper currently sitting on the dresser. The beeper that is supposed to go off whenever there is an irregularity with my heart. I wonder why it's not going off now. My heart feels as if it's being ripped straight out of my chest and not one damned beep comes from the device. Useless piece of shit. Suddenly I smile sadly at the absurdity of the situation. You, Natalia, are the one who gave me this heart, now you're the one who's destroying it.
It's not your fault. I understand, Natalia. I do. You're afraid. Hell, I'm afraid too. That's why I told you to marry Frank. I just didn't really believe you would. Especially after what happened at the hospital.
I close my eyes. God, I can still feel your sweet breath on my face, the tenderness of your hand stroking my hair. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. I was aware of your presence from the moment you sat down by my bed. I smelled your light perfume, I heard your words. You said I made you happy. I wanted to reply that you made me happy, I swear I did, but I was frozen.
When you kissed my forehead I thought my heart would truly quit this time. I wanted to lift my own hand and touch you so badly it was an almost physical ache to lie still. I sensed when you leaned close to me . I could feel your breath on my lips and knew you were about to kiss me. God, how I wanted to let you. Knowing what I know now, I should have let you and I would have kissed you back with every ounce of desire I've been holding back, but I didn't. I couldn't. At that moment, my own fear took control over my actions and I scared you away before you could give me what I've wanted for what seems like forever.
Suddenly, the woman I used to be began making herself known. She doesn't want to be forgotten. She doesn't want to be lost. I don't want to be lost. If I give into what I feel for you, it will change everything. Despite all the things I've done in my life, the one constant has been that I've never been anything but who I am. Now I no longer know who that is.
That's why I sought out the one person in this town that would understand. A woman I'd just finished blackmailing. I really did appreciate her sincerity and her honesty just then. Maybe Doris isn't quite as bad as I thought she was. Perhaps she's simply a woman who has had to wear her own mask to hide who she is.
In the end, her kindness and understanding didn't really help me. I became more confused than ever and more determined to believe that what I was feeling wasn't real. It was just I don't know. God. It's just so ridiculous. I mean how can a woman in her forties, who's never desired anything but men suddenly be longing for a woman? As a last resort I began to rationalize. Maybe these feelings were just a reaction to Emma's report. Maybe I was just tired of being alone. After all, that's why I went after your husband isn't it? Fear of dying alone? It's not such a stretch to believe that I still feel that way and so I've transferred my desire to his wife... Is it?
When you told me you were waiting for a sign to know what to do about Frank, part of me suspected you were waiting for me to declare myself. I don't know if that was truly what you were after, but that's how it seemed when I looked into those damned beautiful, probing dark eyes of yours. Why I couldn't just tell you then, I don't know. No. Like an idiot I told you to marry Frank. It's only now that I realize I was testing you. Trying to push you into making the first move, as it were. If you refused Frank, then I would have my answer. I would know what to do. Instead, it all blew up in my face and you let your fear answer for you.
And now I sit here alone and I'm finally forced to accept that my feelings for you were real. More real than anything I've ever experienced, except my love for my children. The moment Frank said you were engaged, I finally believed and it was too late. Meryl Streep herself couldn't have given a better performance than the one I gave as I expressed my happiness for you. But you knew, didn't you? You knew my heart was shredded because yours was too wasn't it?
Rubbing the spot over my battered heart, I find myself thinking about the uproar that my poor little girl's report stirred up. She was just so innocently proclaiming her pride in being loved by both of us and then we get called immoral. That makes me laugh. Almost.
Not too long ago, I don't know what I thought about the gay community. Truth be told I was too busy enjoying my power over men to ever give it much thought. I would like to believe I wouldn't have been as narrow minded as a lot of the people in this town. I just honestly don't know.
I can't help but wonder though, how people can call couples who truly love each other 'immoral' just because they're the same gender. Are two women in love any more immoral than the many, many, many adulterers in Springfield? The many people, like myself, who swear in church to be married forever and then divorce six months later? Or the people who lie and manipulate and steal to get their way? People who go looking for a one night stand to forget their own pain? What about the people who agree to marry someone they don't love simply in order to hide from themselves?
I drop my head into my hands in shame. I'm sorry, Natalia. That wasn't fair. I think you do love Frank, in your way, but when you stand up in Church and vow before God to always love and honor Frank, to love only him .will you be telling the truth to your God? I am not a religious woman by any means, but I can't help but think no, hope, that God would be more approving of your loving me honestly, than you pretending to love Frank. A lie is a lie, no matter the intention.
I flop down on my back and stare at the ceiling, willing the sobs I feel building to stay buried. What have I done? Only now, when you've taken yourself away from me, do I finally understand that the words gay, straight, bi they're all just words. Labels that don't describe the whole package. I didn't fall for you because you're a woman. I fell for you because you're Natalia. My heart ..MY heart, simply wants you. I can only hope you will come to understand this yourself. Before you marry your lie.
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