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Clash of the Chocolate Orbs
She pulled into her parking spot, picked up her pink faux Birkin bag, got out of the car and closed the door, still humming the song which had been playing on the radio. Something about milkshakes being good for boys. It had been a long and satisfactory day at the Ironbone spa. The wings had been so last season. Besides, her halo had always found them a bit slippery to hang on to. She felt more confident with the femullet-helmet. They had assured her that the industrial strength hairspray was sure to stand up to the rigors of perp busting and door breakings. It had taken much longer than she expected though, as she first had to renew her fake-n-bake tan, and then had to find a hair color which exactly matched the tan. With her new sparkly pink gel-filled push-up bra, she was confident that the conversion process was almost complete. A few minor details and she'd be well on her way to knitting pink booties.
She was digging her keys out of her purse and almost didn't notice the black leather clad figure sitting on her steps. Chocolate orbs stared at each other in shock, and Olivia Benson snarled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing to me?"
"You?" Oliska stared in shock. "Noooooo.... I thought you were dead and buried away for good!" she blurted. "How did you ...?"
"Survive? Come back? Did you really think that you could get away with this heinous crime against the fandom without consequences? You can't kill me by morphing into this femme monstrosity. I'm Olivia Benson, Bitch!"
"But ... I want to be STRAIGHT, and wear pink, and all the kiddies want me to be their mommy and have Elliot's babies!" wailed Oliska.
Olivia gave her a sarcastic smirk. "You don't have the chemistry of a gnat with Elliot, even when he's sweaty, half naked and lifting weights, and you want to have his babies? Get real. Besides, he obviously prefers Melinda."
On cue, Oliska's face crumpled up unprettily and tears started pouring out. "Ironbone promised me that I would get many, many shiny trophies and a shinier halo, pet dolphins, my little pony and a BABY! I want that BABY! Why are you being mean to meeeeee?" she stomped her foot.
Olivia stared in growing horror at this tantrum-throwing, pink-clad T!I!P! version of herself. Now she understood why Alex had insisted she come out of the cozy haven of Altoona. After her last trip to Ironbone land, Alex had come back visibly disturbed by the baby-winged Oliska she had had to deal with. Small wonder that Olivia had been issued with an ultimatum. If Alex had to return to Ironbone land, she wanted Olivia back with her. This garishly tanned and baked version was bound to get on the nerves of the arrogantly hot ADA.
Watching her closely, Olivia finally realized what bugged her so much. "Is that what you and Ironbone want?" she asked quietly, "Or Livvy, girly detective? You've been possessed by the demon of self-projection, and you don't even know it."
Oliska's eyes started to flash and glow eerily, as a grating, high pitched Cynthiaesque laugh escaped her. The wind began to whip up, light bulbs flickered and squealed and the ponies started screaming. With a crackling noise, the wings broke free from the iron grip of the hair sprayed mullet and Oliska turned into a giant mass of shallow suckage. Advancing threateningly towards Olivia, she boomed in a seemingly disconnected voice, "You can't stop me. It's too late. I am O!liska, the patron saint of babies, T!I!P! and the homophobic straight! I WILL have my bearded manvil and baby!"
With a venomous glare, she suddenly directed a blast of PINK from her modified Halo Kitty at the leather clad figure. Olivia barely managed to escape being hit as she dove out of the way of the blinding stream. Rolling to her feet, she began to dodge and weave between the sparse bushes that covered the yard, while simultaneously trying to close in on Oliska. The hapless bushes which faced the brunt of these blasts turned a nauseating shade and then withered, giving off sickly sweet fumes. As the smoke began to thicken, Olivia realized with horror that she had also stumbled into the source of the weasel pot. Her eyes began to water as the fumes reached her, and she knew that she had a very short time to stop Oliska before she herself was overpowered. None of bullets fired from the gun of righteousness managed to penetrate the Orange Tan Glow that surrounded her nemesis. Desperately, she launched herself on the giant Oliska, and tried to bring her down with a perp slam, but began to slip. She found herself grabbing at the continually straightening wings, and howled at the thousand pin pricks that turned her hand into a mass of pain. Grimly, she held on to her one bit of leverage.
Oliska tried hard to shake her off, and suddenly with a huge cracking sound, the weight on her back disappeared. She let loose a howl of pain, as Olivia had managed to break off chunks of the wings. Oliska's power began to lessen and the Halo flickered slightly. As her vision cleared, she saw Olivia diving towards a pair of garden shears rusting under one of the withered bushes. "Noooooooo!" a wail burst out from her when she saw her advantage slipping.
Now that she had figured out the weakness of the imposter, Olivia rained perp slams on perp slams, using her shears effectively each time. With each clump of broken wings, the Tanned One visibly deflated. When the last of the wings were chopped, Olivia stepped back finally to catch her breath, and as she watched, Oliska glowed one final time and then spontaneously combusted. The charred bits of her outfit fell to the ground, and turned into a pile of dust.
Wearily, Olivia took a final look at the yard, straightened out her jacket and squared her shoulders. She was back, and it was time to start putting things right.
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