DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all its characters are property of Dick Wolf and NBC. This story was written strictly for entertainment, and no profit is intended. The characters of Dawn Kinsley, her family and friends are mine. Please don't use them without my permission.
AUTHOR NOTES: English is not my native language, so please be patient with me.
I assume from episode 1x02 ("A Single Life"), in which Olivia shops in a corner grocery store near Lexington Avenue & East 82nd Street, that she lives on the Upper East Side. In 1x11 ("Bad Blood") it's mentioned that Serena Benson was raped in 1968, so I'm going to assume that Olivia was born in 1968 or 1969. This story takes place during season 3, which means Olivia would be about 33 years old.
THANKS: A very big thank you goes to my beta readers Lena, Michelle, Winnie, Jonel, and especially Rayne, KC, and Lori for their corrections and valuable input. I couldn't have done this without you!
WARNING: This story deals with the subject of rape and its aftermath. There will be no graphic descriptions, but later recountings of the rape.
SPOILERS: References to episodes from seasons 1-3.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Conflict of Interest
By Jae

Part 16

RICHMOND COUNTY,

NEW YORK

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21

Olivia watched indulgently as Dawn extended both arms to the sides and twirled around in circles, without caring that she got snow all over herself. "God, it's been a while since I've done this." Dawn nodded down at the sled that Olivia dragged behind her.

A while? Try twenty-five years! Not that I went sledding very often, even as a child. Despite bitter thoughts about her own childhood, Olivia had to smile as she watched the psychologist playing in the snow. Dawn had an almost childlike love of life, an enthusiasm that was contagious. During the last few weeks, she had spent a lot of time with Dawn – and that inevitably meant taking part in her Christmas preparations. She had bought more presents than she ever had before, had taste-tested Dawn's cookies, and had even agreed to put up a small, potted Christmas tree on a side-table in her living room. For the first time in many, many years, the excitement of Christmas had come back to her. The holidays had always been something she dreaded because everything spoke of happy families and she had none.

This morning, she had even let herself be talked into going sledding with Dawn. She put her head down against the cold wind and the softly falling snow, and stopped next to Dawn when they reached the top of the hill.

Dawn turned to her, and Olivia grinned at the blonde locks sticking out from under the bright red woollen cap. Dawn turned the sled around and straddled it. "I think it's better if you sit in the back since you're taller than me."

"Okay." Olivia took her place behind Dawn. Sitting this close to Dawn, feeling her body pressed against her own, even through thick layers of clothing, made her heart jump. Carefully she settled her gloved hands around Dawn's waist. "Is this okay?"

"Yes, of course." Dawn half-turned to look at her and had a slight smirk on her face. "I know it's not meant to be sexual."

Olivia bit her lip. She hadn't expected such openness. Absurd as it might seem, more often than not, Dawn was the one who was forcing herself to talk about the rape and the effects it had on her more openly. Meanwhile, Olivia found herself dancing around the issue and trying to avoid anything that might remind Dawn of it.

"Hold on!" Dawn shouted. "Here we go!"

They pushed off and accelerated down the hill, leaning right or left sometimes or sticking out a leg to steer the sled around obstacles. Dawn hollered and cheered, making Olivia chuckle. When the sled bumped over a snow-covered molehill, she grabbed Olivia's knees for balance. All too soon they glided to a stop at the bottom of the hill.

Dawn's eyes glittered, and her cheeks were red from the cold and the excitement. She grabbed the rope on the sled to pull it back up the hill. "Again!"

A few rides later, Dawn stopped at the top of the hill. "You want to sit up front for a change? You have to steer, though; I can't see around you."

Olivia took the offered seat in the front. She sharply inhaled a lung full of the crisp winter air when she felt Dawn's arms snake around her and her hands settle against her stomach. Suppressing the impulse to cover the smaller hands with her own, she grabbed the sled's rope instead and felt Dawn tuck her thighs behind her own as she pushed off the edge. Soon, they were gliding down the hill again.

"I think we should stop for the day," Olivia said when they reached the bottom. Dawn's pants, like her own, were covered with snow up to the knees and were beginning to get wet as it thawed. The last thing she wanted was for Dawn to get sick during the holidays.

Dawn sighed and let her gaze wander over the snow-covered hills one more time. "I guess you're right but…it's just so peaceful out here, like we're a thousand miles away from the city and everything that…happened there."

Olivia was not eager to leave herself. She had enjoyed seeing Dawn's more carefree side. "We can come back here whenever you want to," Olivia promised.

A little later she parked her car next to Dawn's 'sardine tin', which was faithfully waiting for the psychologist in front of Olivia's apartment building. They stomped their feet to relieve their boots of as much snow as possible before entering the building. Olivia was shivering, her nose was running, and her toes felt as if they would soon fall off, but it had been fun, and she decided that spending time with Dawn was worth a few lost toes.

Olivia made a beeline for the bedroom, changing and searching for a pair of sweatpants and socks that Dawn could wear. When she returned with those articles of clothing she found her guest in the kitchen. The coffee machine was happily gurgling away, and water was heating on the stove, while Dawn was picking through the collection of teas that Olivia had bought for her. Dawn had turned on the CD player, and the Christmas CD that Dawn had insisted she buy was playing Christmas carols, with Dawn humming along.

Olivia watched her from the doorway, happy to see how obviously at home Dawn already felt in her apartment. It had never felt so much like home as right now to Olivia. She loved having Dawn in her apartment, but hesitated to tell her that, not wanting put any pressure on her to stay. "Hey, I brought you something to change into," she said, when Dawn turned and saw her leaning in the doorway.

"Thanks." Dawn took sweats and socks and firmly closed the bathroom door behind her. They still hadn't quite reached a stage in their relationship where Dawn felt entirely comfortable changing in front of Olivia.

"Will I see you again before Monday, or should I give you your present now?" Olivia asked as they settled down on the couch, sipping their respective hot beverages.

Dawn sat her mug of tea down and turned towards Olivia. Her knee grazed Olivia's and sent a tingling sensation up her leg. "About that…I thought it would be nice if we could exchange presents on Christmas Day."

"Are you sure that you'll have the time to come over?" Olivia asked. She knew that Dawn would spend Christmas with her mother, her sister-in-law, her niece and nephew, and a horde of other relatives, while she would treat herself to her favorite Chinese take-out and go over to Elliot's house for a while…if she wasn't called out to a crime scene.

Dawn fiddled with the string of her teabag. "Well, actually…why don't you come over? I would really like it, if you would spend just a little time with me and my family, maybe have dinner with us."

Olivia stared at her for a moment, not sure what she should answer. "I'm on call…"

"On Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day?"

Olivia nodded.

Dawn's brow furrowed. "Isn't it a little unusual that the same detective is on call for both days? Even my Dad had always at least one of the days off."

"Your Dad had a family – and I don't. I actually volunteered since I never really had anything worth celebrating anyway," Olivia said with a shrug.

Dawn's delicate throat moved as she swallowed and looked down. "I understand."

Shit! Now she thinks that I don't want to spend time with her. "I suppose I could come over for a while anyway; I'll just bring my pager with me."

"Not if you don't want to." Dawn studied her intently. "I don't want you to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with."

Comfortable? Comfortable would be ordering Chinese take-out and praying for a call to rescue me from all the happy-family Christmas movies on TV. I think I'll opt for a little discomfort this year. Just thinking about sitting at the dinner table with Dawn's mother and the overprotective Del, while a horde of strangers and a dozen kids were running around, spreading Christmas cheer, made Olivia's stomach clench. But if it made Dawn happy, she would at least try it for a while. "I'll come over," she promised, not bothering to pretend she would be completely comfortable doing it. Dawn could see through her too easily.

"Okay. I'll call you with the exact time. I should head home now; it's still snowing pretty heavily outside." Dawn emptied her mug and stood, grabbing her half-dry pants on her way to the bathroom.

Olivia slipped on her boots and leather jacket to accompany Dawn to her car. Another few inches of snow had fallen, and Olivia picked up her snow shovel to make a path to Dawn's car for her.

She was leaning down to ship another shovel of snow to the side, when she felt a smack against her arm. Narrowing her eyes, Olivia turned towards Dawn, who stood with an expression of innocence, quickly hiding another snowball behind her back. With a playful warning glance, Olivia went back to work, when another snowball hit her in the middle of her back. Olivia turned back around. "You're not by any chance trying to start a snowball fight with one of New York's finest, are you?" She gave her voice a threatening quality.

Dawn grinned brightly. She scooped up two handfuls of snow and fashioned them into a ball. "Is it working?"

Olivia gritted her teeth, forcing herself not to react to the challenging twinkle in Dawn's eyes. "No."

"No?" Dawn raised her hand and aimed a snowball at Olivia.

Olivia made no move to defend herself and lop a snowball of her own against the smaller woman. Very early in their friendship, she had taken a thousand oaths never to hurt Dawn, and she was afraid to lose control and cross the line. Olivia knew that she tended to be competitive and intense, even in a friendly measuring of strength. She was afraid of what Dawn might see in her eyes, if she responded with aggression, even if it was in a playful context. She didn't want to take the risk of scaring Dawn. "No," she repeated firmly, and then, with effort, formed a small smile. "Department rules don't allow me to shoot at civilians, not even snowballs. Plus I don't want you to get snow all over your clothes again."

Dawn looked at her for another few seconds, and then she relented and threw her last snowball into the tree next to Olivia, spraying the detective with snow from the branches.

"Hey!" Olivia shook herself. She squirmed as a load of melting snow slipped past her collar and began to glide down her back.

"C'mere, I'll help get it off, you big baby." Dawn slipped off her gloves and tugged a resistant Olivia down.

Olivia stiffened when she felt Dawn's warm fingers glide down her neck, slipping under her sweatshirt to fish out the snow.

The fingers stopped abruptly, and Dawn's eyes widened as she suddenly noticed the position that she was in and Olivia's reaction to it. "Sorry, I…" She quickly stepped back.

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment as she felt the rest of the snow slide down her back, melting against her skin. "Hey, relax, okay?" She stepped next to Dawn and handed her the glove that had fallen to the ground. She let her fingers linger on Dawn's for a moment to emphasize her point. "If we're trying to build a relationship, I want you to feel comfortable enough to touch me. Unless you don't want that…?" she asked, meaning both - the relationship and the touching.

"I want it, I want you but…" Dawn gesticulated helplessly. "Sometimes I'm okay, and I don't think about it…about the rape…for hours or even days…and then…there are times when I jump whenever someone comes near me. I think I'm getting better and then I freeze when I'm touched, even though I know that it's a perfectly innocent, friendly touch. My body just can't always make that distinction...and I don't know when I'll be able to."

Olivia's own emotions reflected the helplessness and frustration she could clearly see on Dawn's face. "What can I do to make it easier for you?"

"You're already doing it," Dawn assured her. "You always let me be the one to establish any physical contact, and I want you to know how much I appreciate that. I know it's not easy for you to give up control either." Dawn stepped back towards Olivia, wanting to be close, but still a little hesitant to touch her, or maybe just scared of being touched in return. Her fingers began to play with the leather of Olivia's jacket.

Olivia looked down her own body, watching the fingers that were tangled in her jacket. Somehow she found someone else touching the jacket that she wore almost every day almost as intimate as an embrace. "So, I'll see you on Christmas Eve?"

"Unless you want to come over tomorrow and help me pick out the perfect Christmas tree for my apartment?" Dawn invited tentatively.

Olivia laughed. "Picking out the perfect Christmas tree…is that as exhausting as finding the perfect shoes for you?"

Dawn slapped her on the arm, and then intentionally let her fingers rest there. "More," she threatened, "I want a seven-foot tree."

"Well, then I better accompany you to make sure it'll fit into your living room," Olivia decided. She hadn't bothered to put up a tree for years, but she was determined that Dawn should have her 'perfect tree'.

"Thanks…uh, do you mind if we take your car?" Dawn indicated her tiny car.

Olivia smiled. Do we ever take anything else? "No problem. I'll pick you up at…ten?"

"You're learning," Dawn complimented with a grin.

Olivia bowed. "Never should it be said that you can't teach an old detective new tricks."

"Until tomorrow." Dawn hugged her, intending for it to be quick, but her hands slipped under the leather jacket and came to linger on Olivia's waist for a few seconds.

Olivia gently squeezed back, careful not to use too much force or draw Dawn too close.

"I won't break, you know," Dawn whispered, close to Olivia's ear.

Maybe I'm afraid that I will. Olivia said nothing and just concentrated on the feeling of holding Dawn for a few more seconds.

Finally Dawn stepped back and broke their embrace.

Olivia watched until the sardine can's tail-lights had disappeared in the distance. God, what have I gotten myself into!

APARTMENT OF

GRACE KINSLEY

470 BROOME STREET

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24

Olivia clenched her fingers around the carefully wrapped presents in her hands. Why on earth did I agree to come here? I've felt more at ease at the front door of serial killers.

The door opened, and Olivia came face to face with the one person she had hoped to avoid for a little bit. Grace didn't seem surprised to find the detective on her doorstep. "Please come in. Dawn said you'd stop by."

Stop by? Is that wishful thinking on her part or did Dawn forget to mention that she wants me to stay for dinner? Olivia wondered. She awkwardly followed Grace into the apartment.

"Olivia!" Nine year old Jamie raced through the living room and threw herself into Olivia's arms.

Olivia grinned. Well, at least one Kinsley woman is happy to see me!

"Hi." Dawn greeted over the head of her niece. Her eyes were twinkling with delight.

Okay, make it two Kinsley women. Olivia set the girl back down and stepped closer to Dawn to admire the form-fitting corduroy pants and the soft woollen sweater she wore.

"I'm so glad you could make it. C'mon, I'll introduce you to everyone!" Dawn grabbed her by the hand, both of them very aware of the simple touch, and dragged her enthusiastically to the living room.

Olivia took everything in with growing astonishment. Grace's apartment looked like something she had thought only existed in picture books and movies. Her mother had always had a present for her, but she had never done a lot of decorating, and to Olivia's knowledge, had never even bought a tree.

The Kinsley family was the exact opposite: In one corner of the living room, a Christmas tree extended its branches to all sides, decorated with colorful lights and ornaments that must have been owned by the Kinsley's for generations. Olivia could see an angel with Dawn's childishly scribbled name across its chest, and a star with the carefully stencilled name of her brother, Aidan, on it.

More presents than Olivia had ever seen in one place rested under the tree, and half a dozen red stockings hung over the fireplace. The room smelled of hot chocolate, freshly baked cookies, and pine needles.

Dawn introduced her to uncles, cousins, friends, and colleagues, but Olivia was sure that she would never remember the names of all these strangers. Just when she began to feel really overwhelmed by the big family and all the Christmas cheer, Del Vasquez appeared at her side. "Do you know anything about electronics?"

"Sure." Olivia would have answered 'yes' even if she had been asked if she knew anything about rocket science, just to escape the awkward situation.

"Sorry, Grasshopper, I have to borrow her for a second," Del announced, leading Olivia to the balcony where half a dozen kids stood around a glowing reindeer. "We have a problem with Santa." Del pointed to the plastic figure next to the reindeer, "he refuses to shine."

Olivia fumbled with the wires for a minute, before she stepped back from the now brightly glowing Santa. "Just a loose connection." She had a sneaking suspicion that the competent Latina Lieutenant could have fixed Santa on her own, but was too grateful for her intervention to call her on it. That she was now the hero of the assembled children didn't hurt her position in the Kinsley household either. Single-handedly rescuing Santa had to count for something.

"Hey." Dawn stepped out onto the balcony, looking between Del and Olivia. "Problem solved?"

The two other women nodded.

"Do you want eggnog or hot chocolate?" Dawn asked Olivia.

"Hot chocolate, please; I'm still on call."

"Coming right up!" Dawn turned and headed back inside.

Del watched her retreat, and then fixed Olivia with an intent stare. "You're on call on Christmas?"

To Olivia's ears, it sounded almost reproachful…like she should have made sure that she would be able to spend the whole day with Dawn. Or maybe the accusation lay not so much in Del's words but in her own guilty conscience. "I'm always on call during the holidays…it's some kind of Christmas tradition with the 1-6," she explained, trying to smile.

"The single, lesbian detective volunteers for duty, because she doesn't have anywhere else to be anyway," Del mumbled. "Been there, done that, and was stopped from doing it again by one determined Kinsley woman. So, you better prepare yourself for experiencing the same."

"Are you trying to warn her off, Del?" Dawn reappeared, handing over the mug she carried to Olivia, so she could bump Del with her shoulder.

Del looked at her, her dark eyes wide and innocent. She pressed her palm against the left side of her chest. "Would I do something like that, Grasshopper?"

"The last cop who got on her bad side is probably still scrubbing the precinct bathroom with a toothbrush," Dawn explained to Olivia.

Del stretched her sinewy body with dignity. "I don't have a bad side. And now you'll have to excuse me – I'm thirsty and someone, who shall remain unnamed, failed to bring me something to drink." With one last smile, Del left them alone on the balcony.

Olivia leaned against the railing and looked down into the mug that warmed her hands. The hot chocolate was topped off by whipped cream and marshmallows. Olivia couldn't remember when someone had last taken the time to prepare cocoa with all the extras for her.

"You're not hiding out here, are you?" Dawn closed the sliding door that separated them from the apartment. "I know my family can be a bit much…"

"No, no, they were all very friendly to me," Olivia said. "It's not them, it's me. I'm not used to having a house full of people. It's always been just my mother and me. I needed a breather, but I'm okay; you don't have to stay with me. I'm sure there are a lot of relatives in there that you haven't seen all year." She nodded towards the living room.

Dawn leaned her hip against the railing next to Olivia. "Yeah, but I'll have time to talk to them later. I don't know how long I'll have you."

Is she talking about today…the fact that I could be called away anytime? Or is she unsure whether or not I'll stand by this relationship for very long? "You go on in; we'll have the time later, too," Olivia assured her.

The glass door slid open. "Girls?" Dawn's mother stepped onto the balcony. "What are you doing out there in the cold?"

Girls? Olivia wasn't sure if she should be amused, flattered or annoyed. Does she want to believe that I'm just Dawn's kindergarten playfellow or what? She still didn't know how to take Dawn's mother. She liked Grace, but the certainty that she would not be a big fan of her relationship with her daughter made her suspicious about everything Grace said.

"Come inside," Grace continued when none of them answered. "Dinner is served."

Olivia followed the two Kinsley women inside. Half of the guests were already sitting around the large dining table, while the other half were busy placing bowls, pots, and plates on the table or helping the kids into their chairs. Olivia lingered behind, not sure where her place in the seating arrangements might be.

A small hand grabbed hers. "Olivia is sitting next to me!" Jamie announced for everyone to hear.

"Jamie!" Her mother, Eliza, raised her voice to be heard above the commotion. "Maybe Detective Benson doesn't want to sit next to you? I'm sure she wants to sit next to your aunt."

"It's Olivia, and lucky for you I have two sides." Olivia winked at the girl and barely held herself back from calling her 'grasshopper'.

Jamie's mother nodded. "Then it's Eliza. And this is my husband, Rick."

A slender man with friendly brown eyes looked up from his attempts to put his son into a high chair. "Hi. I don't suppose your child-whisperer skills extend to my youngest kid, too?" He pointed to the ten month old who was kicking his legs, making it impossible to put him in the high chair.

"Oh, for God's sake, Rick!" Eliza took over the task.

Youngest kid… Olivia mentally repeated. That means he considers Jamie his kid, too.

Rick grinned apologetically at his wife, while he continued talking to Olivia. "I hear you're on the job?"

Olivia allowed herself to be dragged into the chair next to Jamie, and answered over her head. "Yes. I'm a detective with the Special Victims Unit. And you?"

"I'm a dispatcher—"

"No shop talk today!" Grace ordered and handed Olivia a carving knife. "Would you be so kind?" She nodded down at a giant turkey.

Olivia raised startled eyes. Me? She wants me to carve the turkey? She would have thought that honorable task would fall to Grace herself, or maybe to Dawn, Rick or Del.

Her face must have shown her surprise, because Grace smiled at her. "You're part of the reason why my daughter is able to sit here today and celebrate Christmas with her family, safe in the knowledge that her rapist is behind bars. Therefore, you're my guest of honor and get to carve the turkey."

Olivia turned her head to look at Dawn, who gave her a somewhat watery smile and a nod. She carefully started her appointed task, somewhat clumsily in her eyes since she didn't have a lot of practice.

Finally everyone settled down at the table. Even the children were quiet as a circle was formed, everyone taking their seating neighbors by the hand. Jamie's small hand wrapped around Olivia's fingers on the left, and Dawn softly squeezed her right hand, while Dawn's mother said grace.

As soon as she said 'amen', the laughter, the chatter and the clinking of plates and glasses started again. It was a family moment that Olivia had never experienced before, and she watched numbly as Grace heaped large amounts of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and gravy onto her plate. "Thank you, Ma'am," she said belatedly. "I think that's enough."

"It's Grace," the older woman corrected, while she added cranberry sauce to Olivia's dinner.

"Olivia." She nodded, much more at ease with Dawn's mother and the rest of the family now. She picked up her fork and tried a bite of turkey with gravy. "Wow, that's delicious!"

"Yeah," Del agreed, still chewing. "My mamá always told me that if I didn't bring home a Latina girl, I should at least pick someone who could cook. But alas, it was not to be – for some incomprehensible reason, she chose my partner over me." She blinked her lashes at Grace.

Grace reached over the table to slap her on the arm. "I was already married to Jim when he got partnered with your rookie Latina ass, Delicia Vasquez Montero. And your mother never told you to bring home any girl."

"She would have, if she ever tasted the arte culinario of the charming Kinsley women," Del insisted with a bright grin.

"Dawn, no more wine for your aunt," Grace ordered, making everyone laugh.

By the time dessert was served – pumpkin pie, Christmas pudding with brandy sauce, and pastries filled with dried fruit – Olivia's fear of being overwhelmed or not fitting in had all but vanished. Jamie was chattering her ear off, half a dozen toddlers had tried to climb on her lap, and even Grace had gone out of her way to make her feel welcome.

Finally, she leaned back and pressed her hands against her stomach. "God, I'm stuffed!"

Dawn patted her leg. "Want to come outside with us and build a snowwoman?"

"A snowwoman?" Olivia gave her a lop-sided grin.

"Yep, it has to be a snowwoman, nothing else for me."

Olivia grinned and resisted the urge to look up and see if Grace had heard the comment. "All right. Let's build a snowwoman."

Half a dozen children, bundled up in warm jackets, scarves, and woolen hats, followed them outside and began to roll growing balls of snow along the driveway. Olivia helped the small hands lift the snowwoman's head onto the torso, and watched as Dawn formed two smaller snowballs. "What's that going to be? A snowbaby?" she teased.

"We're building a snowwoman; you figure it out." Dawn mischievously attached the two snowballs to the figure's front.

"Ah, it's an anatomically correct version of a snowwoman – and a very nicely endowed one at that."

Dawn stepped back to study her work, and then looked down at her own chest. "You think that's a lifesize replica?"

Her breath condensed in front of her as Olivia barked out a surprised laugh. "Well, a woman can hope, can't she?" She winked at Dawn, but didn't delve any deeper into a comparison of the snowwoman's endowment with that of anyone else around.

A snowball that pelted Dawn from behind interrupted the conversation before it could steer into that particular territory. Dawn whirled around. "Jamie! You're throwing large, icy, hard snowballs at your favorite aunt?!" She stared at the girl in exaggerated outrage.

Another snowball hit Dawn on the shoulder, dusting her with cold particles as it burst on impact. "My only aunt!" Jamie shouted back.

A few of the other giggling kids started to fling snowballs in Dawn's direction, too.

"Liv! Help me!" Dawn took cover behind her taller friend.

"Hey, hey, hey! Leave me out of this!" Olivia bent down to dogde snowballs and tried to step around Dawn, out of the line of fire, but Dawn held onto the back of her coat and followed each of her movements.

"I thought you're on call today?" Dawn panted behind her; the hot breath on her neck made Olivia shiver. "Well, there's a female citizen being attacked by a horde of hoodlums, so why don't you try to earn your paycheck and start protecting me? Now!" The younger woman squeaked as one of the kids circled them, and another snowball hit her in the back.

Right at that moment, the pager at Olivia's hip went off. She opened her coat and unhooked the pager from her belt to look at its display. Shit. She pressed her lips together. "I have to go." Being on call had been a safety line for her, a refuge should she become overwhelmed and feel uncomfortable with Dawn's family. She hadn't expected to feel regret when she was called away, but she did.

Dawn looked equally disappointed that their time together was coming to an end, but she didn't try to get Olivia to shirk her duties or even to keep her for a few more minutes. Growing up among cops hadn't made her enthusiastic about sudden interruptions, but she understood the necessity. "Do you have time to say goodbye to everyone, or should I tell them you had to go?"

"No, I have the time to say goodbye." The victim was already dead, so two minutes more or less wouldn't matter.

Silently, they strolled back to the apartment side by side, some of the children following behind them. Dawn opened the front door for them.

"Aunt Dawn!" Jamie cried excitedly.

Both adults stopped and looked back at the gesticulating girl. "What?"

"You're under the mistletoe!" Jamie jumped up and down, pointing at the twig hanging above them in the doorway.

"So what?" Olivia tried to ignore the obvious meaning.

"You have to kiss!"

Olivia tugged the girl closer and bent down to give her a kiss on the cheek, while Dawn did the same to Jamie's other cheek. "Voílà, one kiss. Can we enter now?"

"No!" The girl stomped her foot. "You have to kiss each other, not me! I'm not under the mistletoe."

Olivia's gaze flitted to Dawn's face, and then back to the girl. Dawn looked as indecisive as she felt. Beyond a quick peck on the cheek, they hadn't exchanged kisses, and Olivia didn't want Dawn to feel pressured to take the next step in their relationship just because of a Christmas tradition. "Jamie, look, I'm in a bit of a hurry right now…can't I kiss her later?"

"No, that's not allowed," Jamie insisted.

"How come a nine year old girl knows so much about the rules of kissing under the mistletoe?" Olivia wondered.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "I think we have Del to thank for that particular pearl of wisdom. Del told her that if an unmarried woman is not kissed under the mistletoe, she'll remain single for the next year. But that doesn't help us now, so…" The smaller woman rested one hand against Olivia's shoulder and lifted herself up on her tiptoes.

Olivia forgot to breathe as Dawn's face came closer to her own. In return, all of her other systems went into overdrive. She held still as Dawn's lips touched her own for one beat of her thudding heart. Then it was already over, and Olivia had to blink a few times to break the rigor that she had fallen into. I thought a kiss was what woke Sleeping Beauty from her spell, not what put her under it!

Olivia stepped back when she saw Grace come out of the living room. She thanked the hostess, said goodbye to Del and Eliza, and then walked towards the door again, this time careful not to step through it at the same time as anyone else.

Dawn followed her silently, stopping when Olivia did, right in front of the apartment. She raised a hand and tugged Olivia's scarf more tightly around her neck. "Be careful, please."

A nod and a quick glance back, and Olivia was on her way.

APARTMENT OF

GRACE KINSLEY

470 BROOME STREET

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24

Del entered the kitchen, balancing a stack of dirty dishes in her hands.

The kitchen was empty except for Grace, who stood in front of the sink, her back to Del.

"Hey." Del set the stack of dishes down next to Grace. If she hadn't known the woman for twenty years, she probably would have missed the slight jump and the tension in the slender shoulders. "You okay? You look a little…tense."

"It's just all these dirty dishes." Grace busied herself with scrubbing cranberry sauce from another plate. "Remind me next year to accept all offers to help with cleaning up."

Del stepped closer still. She could sense that all the dirty dishes were not really what was upsetting her old friend. She picked up a dish towel and began to dry. "Do you need to talk?"

A plate sunk into the soapy water as Grace let go of it and turned to look at Del. "You know me so well," she said with a sigh.

Del smiled. "We had some of our best talks over piles of dirty dishes," she reminded her. It had been in the kitchen where Grace had cried endless tears over the loss of her husband in Del's arms; it had been the place where Grace had convinced Del that she should be the one to walk Dawn down the aisle; and here Del had patiently answered questions when Grace had first suspected that her daughter might be gay. "So, you better start talking before the last plate is clean."

Grace laughed, but just for a second. "It's about Dawn…"

That didn't surprise Del, but she felt a glimmer of concern rise in herself anyway. Sometimes it felt as if they had raised Dawn together as co-parents. "Don't worry about her," she slung the dish towel across her shoulders in order to lift her hands to Grace's tense neck, "Dawn is doing well, considering it hasn't even been three months since—"

"This is not about…the rape." Grace leaned into the touch of Del's gently kneading hands.

Del began to rub stiff shoulders and felt the smaller woman lean back into her. "What is it then?" She ducked her head to look into the familiar face. Suddenly she understood. "You've seen her with Benson."

"Why do you cops always pretend not to have first names?" Grace's complaint was two decades old.

"Probably because not all of our parents proved to have such good taste in naming their offspring as yours did," Del answered with a grin.

Grace's head fell back onto Del's shoulder. "Charmer," she groaned, when Del's hands worked on a particularly tense spot. "I've tried to ignore it for a while, but…when I saw her saying goodbye to Olivia tonight…" Grace dried her hands on the towel, and then tossed it on the counter with a sigh, before she turned around to face Del. "She told her to be careful, and I had a sudden déjà vu of me standing in the same place, telling Jim that very same thing…"

Del closed her eyes, and for a moment they shared their pain in silence.

"Dawn cares about her," Grace finally said.

"And that's a bad thing?"

Grace shrugged. "It could be. It would kill Dawn to lose another person she loves to the job."

"You can't choose who you love, Gracita," Del pointed out. "You just…do."

A sigh came from Grace. "I know. I just wish…"

"That the object of your daughter's affections wouldn't be a cop." Del nodded in understanding. Both of them knew firsthand how difficult a relationship with a police officer could be.

"Yeah, and being male wouldn't hurt either," Grace added quietly.

Del studied stormy gray eyes. "And here I thought I had cured your homophobia."

"I'm not homophobic," Grace protested.

Del knew that to be the truth. Grace had never been uncomfortable with having a lesbian best friend.

"As far as I'm concerned, love is love. It's just that being with a woman has so much potential to hurt her…" Grace sighed. "I don't want my daughter to go through life as an outsider…to be stared at, or spit on, or laughed at by total strangers; to be hurt simply because of who she loves…Dawn has already been raped just because some homophobe didn't like her sexual orientation! That's not the life a mother would choose for her daughter."

"That's just it - it's not your choice," Del reminded, "it's not even Dawn's really. Being gay isn't a choice at all but a part of Dawn like the color of her eyes or her shoe size. The only choice is whether or not to have the courage to be open and honest about that part of her life. Living a lie, always hiding who she is, will hurt her, too."

Grace's hand came up and tugged at a few still blonde locks in desperation. "I know, and if she's really gay, I don't want her to feel like she has to hide it from me…"

"If she's really gay?" Del repeated with an incredulous laugh, reaching out to comb Grace's hair back into some semblance of order. "Darlin', I hate to point out the obvious, but she has lived in a lesbian relationship for a year."

Stubbornly Grace shook her head. "There was no real chemistry between Maggie and Dawn."

Del had to give her that. She had always suspected that the attraction between Dawn and the gallery owner had been more aesthetic than sexual, but that had more to do with Maggie's personality than with her gender. "The way she looks at Benson…at Olivia…doesn't leave much doubt about her sexual orientation either."

"Dawn is going through a very hard and emotionally confusing time; how can we be sure that she's not just clinging to the first person who's been there for her and protected her?" Grace raised anxious eyes to search her friend's face for the answer.

Del shook her head. "I don't think so. Sure, going through the aftermath of a rape may have changed the way Dawn looks at herself, at relationships, and at potential partners; and it intensifies every emotion, but I think whatever they have between them…it would have developed anyway. It happened despite Dawn being raped, not because of it."

Grace sighed in defeat and let her forehead rest against Del's shoulder for a second. "You're right. It's just…I find myself thinking about Jim, about what he always wanted for his daughter…"

Through endless hours of patrol duty and surveillance, Del had gotten to know her partner really well, so she spoke without hesitation, "What he wanted first and foremost, was for her to be happy – and I don't think she'll find that happiness with a man. He would have accepted any person Dawn wanted to spend her life with, as long as he or she honestly loved and respected her."

Grace picked her head off Del's shoulder to look into her eyes. "I know you're right, but…he wanted her to experience motherhood, too – and so do I. I've been looking forward to having grandkids from Dawn since the day she married Cal."

The picture of a lively little girl with blonde pigtails appeared before Del's mind's eye. Her lips curled into a wistful smile. "Yeah, I'd love to bounce a little grasshopper junior on my knees, too," she admitted. "But Dawn being in a relationship with a woman doesn't have to mean that that won't happen someday. Just because Maggie had a major panic attack at the thought of smelly diapers or a toddler with crayons anywhere near her white designer couch doesn't mean that other lesbians don't want children. It looks like Olivia is really good with kids."

"That doesn't mean she wants to have her own. She seems like one of those cops who are really only married to their jobs." Grace couldn't stop worrying.

Del winked at her. "Oh, I think she's about to get a divorce. Our daughter is not a woman who would let herself be kept as a mistress." She felt heat rise up her chest and color her cheeks as she suddenly became aware of what she had just called Dawn. "I-I mean—"

Grace's soft hand on her arm stopped her. "It's okay, Del, really. In many regards, she's as much your daughter as she's mine. You were always there for her, even when I couldn't because I was too caught up in my own grief. Have I ever thanked you for that?"

"You don't need to," Del said seriously. "Whatever I did for her, I didn't do it because I felt obliged to, but because I love her. I love both of you."

"Hey," Dawn's blonde head appeared in the doorway, "are you sure that I can't help with the dishes?"

Del grinned at her. "Well, if you've finished pouting about your sweetie's absence, you're welcome to help."

Dawn's eyes widened, and her gaze flittered to her mother.

"It's all right," Grace said, handing her a dish towel. "I'm well aware that Olivia hasn't been slaving as your shopping Sherpa, Christmas tree advisor, and wall-climbing trainer because the NYPD is paying her to."

Nervous fingers fiddled with the dish towel. "And you're okay with that?"

Grace's eyes flickered to Del's for reassurance, and then focused on her daughter. "If you're sure that it's what you want?"

"I've never been so sure of anything in my whole life, mom."

"Then I'm okay with it," Grace decided.

Visibly more relaxed now, Dawn picked up a washed plate and dried it. "What were you doing in here; discussing my love life? Is that why you always decline any help in the kitchen except for Del's, so you can gossip without interruption?"

Her mother gently pinched Dawn's cheek. "I decline any help except for Del's because I learned the hard way that everyone else just wants to stay in the kitchen to sneak some more dessert."

"Yeah, and I concentrate on drying the dishes because I want to keep my girlish figure." Del patted her slender hips with a grin. "And just for your information, your mother and I are perfectly able of conversing over doing the dishes without your name ever coming up, Grasshopper." That's not to say that it didn't this time.

Dawn looked skeptical, but nodded. "Hand me another plate to dry, Del. I have to work on my figure."

Part 17

APARTMENT OF

DAWN KINSLEY

7 BENSON STREET

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25

Olivia leant her head against the back of the couch and tried to sit still. It wasn't an easy task, because she could feel Dawn sitting very close to her; so close that her breath warmed Olivia's skin whenever Dawn turned her head to speak to her, but still not close enough to touch her. That's progress, huh? She told herself. Last month she would have sat down in the easy chair or left at least a foot of space between us.

Her body wanted to reach out and establish some kind of contact, but she forced herself to let Dawn be the one in control and distracted herself by looking at the Christmas tree. It was fully lit, making the baubles and tinsel hanging from its branches shine. It's not seven feet, but it's perfect nonetheless.

"In case you're wondering about that lonely present under the tree," Dawn interrupted the comfortable silence, "it's yours, so if you want to open it…"

Olivia reached down to pick up the bigger box resting next to the couch. "It just so happens that Santa left a little something for you, too."

With a grin, Dawn studied the size of the present. "Seems like I've been really good this year, huh?"

"It's not the size that counts, Doc," Olivia teased. She gently sat the box down onto Dawn's lap. "Open it."

Dawn didn't have to be told twice. She ripped into the red and green striped paper, tearing it from the box with childlike enthusiasm.

Olivia nervously looked on. She didn't have much experience with buying gifts, and so she had spent hours searching for the right…the perfect present for Dawn.

Dawn's impatient fingers stilled as she lifted the top off the box. She ran her hand along oil, watercolor and acrylic painting brushes, over sketching chalks and tubes of color, until her fingers finally closed around a drawing pencil. "Olivia! That's a complete set of art supplies! It must have cost—"

"Hush." Olivia touched her index finger to Dawn's lips, drawing back when she saw Dawn flinch at the unexpected touch. "The price isn't important. Do you like it?"

"Yes, of course!" Dawn's fingers lovingly brushed over badger-hair bristles. "And what I like most of all is that you remembered how much drawing and painting means to me. I really missed it, and this will give me a reason to start again. Thank you." She leaned forward and placed a quick peck on Olivia's cheek.

Olivia relaxed a little. "Buying these…" She pointed to the contents of the box. "…was a rather confusing experience. I told the sales clerk that I wanted art supplies; brushes and the like; and he asked me if I wanted hog hair, or squirrel hair, or badger hair, or a synthetic brush, and if it should be a 25mm landscape brush or a 50mm background brush…I didn't even know if you preferred oil, or pastel, or acrylic, or watercolors," Olivia admitted. "So I bought a little bit of everything." Standing in the art supplies store, she had felt like an idiot, but the smile on Dawn's lips made everything worth it.

"I like a little bit of everything, so your present is just perfect," Dawn assured her. The tip of her finger carefully tested the pointed end of a pencil. "I'll have to draw you sometime. And now, you open yours." She handed Olivia a light blue envelope.

Olivia pointed to the single present under the tree. "I thought that one was mine?"

"It is," Dawn confirmed. "What's in the envelope is only partly from me; it's from Del and Mom, too."

"They bought me a Christmas present?" Olivia felt herself blanch. "But I didn't buy them anything!" She had never needed to buy more than half a dozen presents at Christmas, and having to think of gifts for Dawn's family was a little scary.

"That doesn't matter. They wanted to give you this, now open it!" Dawn urged.

Slowly, hesitantly, Olivia slipped her index finger under the envelope and opened it. A gift certificate fell out. A tandem skydive? She arched a brow. "They want me to throw myself out of an airplane at 10,000 feet? Didn't you say that your mother approved of our relationship?"

Dawn laughed. "She does. You'll have a parachute and an experienced tandem instructor. We thought that it was something that might interest you…?"

Now Dawn sounded insecure, and Olivia hastened to answer. "I am interested. I've wanted to try it ever since Munch told me about his parachuting experiences."

"Munch?" Dawn rubbed a finger over her chin. "Isn't that the tall, thin one with the dry sense of humor? He doesn't look like an adrenalin junkie."

Olivia smiled. "He claims that it's where he met his third ex-wife."

"The third?" Dawn's eyes widened. "How many ex-wives does he have?"

"Nobody really knows, except for Munch and his accountant." Olivia chuckled. She looked down at the gift certificate again. "It's great; thank you."

Dawn crossed the room, reached under the Christmas tree and returned with the second present. "Merry Christmas."

Olivia looked down at the present, studying it for a few seconds before she patiently loosened the ribbons and bows and began to remove the wrapping paper.

"It's much more fun if you just tear the paper," Dawn advised her.

Olivia loved seeing the childlike wonder and anticipation in Dawn's eyes, but she preferred a more controlled approach for herself. She folded the paper and set it to one side, before she opened the small box. With trembling fingers, she lifted a silver necklace from the box. She's already buying me jewelry?! Olivia had never bought or received jewelry from anyone she had been in a relationship with, and it made her a little anxious.

"Relax," Dawn said, as if reading her thoughts. "It's not a ring or anything like that. It's just a lucky charm."

More relaxed now, Olivia studied the small, oval pendant. "Hey, that's Saint Michael, the patron saint of law enforcement, isn't it?"

Dawn nodded in confirmation. "It was my father's."

Olivia's head jerked up. She's giving me her father's good luck charm? "I can't take this." She tried to press the necklace into Dawn's hand. "It should be yours."

"It was mine," Dawn said, refusing to take the necklace. "My father gave it to me on my 18^th birthday, a few weeks before he died. And now I want you have it."

Olivia took a deep breath. She didn't know what to say. "Thank you," she finally whispered. She looked down at the necklace in her hand. She wasn't one to wear much jewelry; usually one ring and a pair of studs was all she wore, but she would definitely wear the necklace, knowing how much it meant to Dawn. "Will you help me put it on?"

She turned around and felt the couch dip behind her. Dawn's elbows came to rest on her shoulders for a moment, and the warm breath on her neck made Olivia shiver. Then Dawn closed the necklace's clasp and moved back.

"There." Dawn touched the pendant resting on Olivia's chest with one gentle finger, making Olivia's breath catch, even though she hadn't been touched at all. "It looks good on you."

"Thank you," Olivia said again. She knew that Dawn was still a little tight financially, but this meant more to her than anything Dawn could have bought. Slowly she leaned forward, making her intentions obvious to Dawn, so she would have the opportunity to draw back.

Dawn didn't move.

Olivia pressed a gentle kiss on Dawn's lips. She drew back a few inches. Their eyes met, and Olivia couldn't read anything but trust and affection in the gray-green eyes. Leaning in again, she kissed Dawn with a little more passion. "Thank you," she whispered one last time. For the pendant and for your trust in me.

"You're welcome," Dawn answered quietly.

They settled back onto the couch. Half an hour later, Olivia watched with amusement as Dawn yawned for the third time in a row. "I hope it's not the company," she commented with a grin.

"What?" Dawn looked up and blinked. "Oh, no, no, of course not! It's just…I didn't sleep so well last night."

Olivia watched her blush. God, she's adorable. "Couldn't sleep because you were waiting for Santa to come down the chimney and leave presents in your stocking?"

"Nothing quite as pleasant, I'm afraid." Dawn sighed. "I stayed in my mother's guestroom last night, with Jamie…"

"Tell me," Olivia encouraged her, when Dawn hesitated.

"Jamie tends to cuddle up to me, and I woke in the middle of the night with her weight pressing me down, unable to move for a second…" Dawn looked down. Her trembling fingers busied themselves with picking lint from the couch. "I came very close to having a full-fledged panic attack and stayed awake for the rest of the night."

Olivia fought the urge to enfold the smaller woman in comforting arms, not sure if any touch, innocent as it might be, would be welcome right now.

"So no, it's not the company," Dawn assured her, sounding more composed. "I'm just a little tired."

"Then I think I'll go now, so that you can get some sleep," Olivia offered, even though she was reluctant to leave just yet.

Dawn shook her head. "No, I can get some sleep later. I want to spend a little more time with you." She couldn't hide another yawn, though.

The psychologist's emotional openness astonished Olivia again and again. It inspired her to try and be more open about her own feelings with Dawn, but it was not something that came naturally to her. "Then at least lie down for a while," Olivia suggested. She had been glad when she had seen the dark shadows under Dawn's eyes disappear during the last few weeks, and she didn't want to see them reappear.

"Only if you keep me company and promise not to leave," Dawn bargained.

"I promise." Olivia started to rise from the couch to make room for Dawn's whole body.

"No, no, stay!" Dawn reached out a hand, laying it on Olivia's thigh to press her back down. She licked her lips and stared down at her own hand. "I want to…I want to try…"

Olivia's eyes widened. A thousand assumptions and speculations about exactly what Dawn might want to try raced through her mind, and she mentally slapped herself.

Dawn swallowed and finally looked up. "I want to try and be a little bit…closer to you tonight."

Olivia could feel her heartbeat pick up at these words. Her body was reacting to Dawn's suggestion of closeness, even though she knew that it didn't imply anything sexual. "Okay." She fought to keep her voice calm, never showing her rising nervousness. "How do you wanna go about it? Anything that you want is okay with me."

"I-I thought…I could lie down right here," Dawn pointed to the couch, "and you could just…stay where you are right now." She looked at Olivia with questioning eyes.

"Sounds nice." Olivia moved back to one end of the couch, and watched patiently as Dawn stretched out, settling her head on Olivia's lap. She held still until she could feel Dawn's stiff muscles relax, and then she lifted her hand and rested it protectively along the smaller woman's shoulder. "Is this okay?"

"Hmm…very okay." Dawn brought one hand up and rested it on Olivia's thigh, just above her knee. Her index finger began to move, tracing lazy circles through the thick material of Olivia's jeans.

Olivia let her head fall back against the couch. Keeping her gaze on Dawn's face, she began to let her fingers slide through smooth, blonde strands.

After a few seconds, Dawn finally exhaled and closed her eyes.

SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

SQUAD ROOM

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26

"Hey, Liv." Elliot shrugged out of his coat and perched on his partner's desk. He sat a microwave container down next to the file she was working on.

Olivia looked up. "What's that?"

"Since you missed Christmas dinner, Kathy insisted that I bring you some left-overs. My wife is obviously afraid that you'll starve," Elliot teased. Truth be told, he was a little concerned about his partner, too. She had never really celebrated Christmas, but at least he had always managed to convince her to stop by for dinner. But this year, she had refused to even take off her coat when she brought her presents for the kids over to his house.

Olivia snorted. "Hardly. I think I put on a pound or two over the holidays." She patted her flat stomach.

Elliot settled down in his own chair, swinging his legs up onto the desk to study Olivia. "You treated yourself to dinner in a fancy restaurant?" He tried to sound casual and hide his curiosity about what his partner might have been up to over Christmas.

"No." Olivia signed her report and threw it into the outbox. "I was invited to a home-cooked meal, with dessert and all."

Elliot patiently waited for her to say more. He had long since learned that Olivia refused to talk if he pressured her with too many questions.

Olivia busied herself with sharpening a pencil, and then slowly raised it to her lips to blow away the wood chips from the point. Only then did she look up. "Dawn's mother is a really great cook," she said, trying for the same casual tone that Elliot had used.

She spent Christmas with the Kinsley clan?! Elliot suddenly realized that Olivia was serious about the brave young woman. To his knowledge, she had never met the family of any of her dates before. "So, this is really serious between the two of you, hmm?"

"Between Grace and me?" Olivia grinned. "No, don't worry. I don't get involved with older women. I only want her for her cooking skills."

Elliot threw his eraser at her. "Smartass. You know who I'm talking about."

Olivia sobered. "I really like her, El."

Elliot felt a satisfied smile form on his lips. He had waited for years for Olivia to find someone who held her interest beyond a few dates. "Why don't you bring her to our New Year's Eve party?" he suggested.

"So you can interrogate her for hours or tell her embarrassing stories about me?" Olivia shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Bring her," Elliot insisted. "It'll be good for her to feel like a part of the group, and I even promise not to tell her the story about the search warrant, the bottle of tomato juice and one Olivia Benson."

Olivia grabbed the next report. "We'll see."

Cragen's office door opened. "Benson, Stabler! They found the missing girl down at the piers." The Captain's grave expression told them all they needed to know.

Damn. All thoughts about New Year's Eve parties disappeared from Elliot's mind as he rose and grabbed the car keys.

APARTMENT OF

DAWN KINSLEY

7 BENSON STREET

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!" Dawn called to the ringing phone. She kicked the door closed with her heel, slid her grocery bags onto the couch and snapped up the receiver. "Kinsley."

"It's me."

Dawn felt her smile broaden. "Hi, Olivia. If you want to, you can come over a little earlier. Dinner isn't ready yet, but you can keep me company while I cook." She looked down at the ingredients of what would soon be a veggie lasagna.

An awkward clearing of her throat told Dawn that she would not see Olivia so soon, if at all this evening. "Listen, Dawn…about that…I can't come over right now."

"Still at work?"

"No, I'm at home, but…I'm just too tired." Olivia's voice sounded hoarse.

Sounds like she had a really tough day. "How about I come over and cook dinner at your place?" Dawn offered, ready to pamper her friend a little. "You don't have to move a finger, except for lifting the fork to your mouth."

"I'm not hungry," was Olivia's short reply.

Now Dawn was starting to get really worried. Olivia had always been eager to see her, no matter what. "You have to eat something, Olivia."

"Believe it or not, but I didn't starve before I met you," Olivia snapped.

Dawn's legs started to tremble, and she plopped down onto the couch, not caring if she squashed the vegetables.

"Sorry! God, I'm…I'm really sorry, Dawn…I didn't want to…" Olivia's exhale sounded like she was trembling as well. "That's exactly why I don't want to come over; I'm just not good company right now."

Now that the first shock of Olivia speaking to her in anything but soft tones was over, Dawn felt anger stir, too. "I don't care! You don't have to entertain me; I just want to sit with you for a while."

"Not tonight, Dawn, okay?"

"Okay," Dawn mumbled, even if it was anything but. She sat with the phone in her hand long after the call had been disconnected. Finally, she threw the cordless down next to the tomatoes that had fallen from their bag. You should have known that it would come to this eventually, she told herself. She's a cop, so what did you expect? That she would come to you as soon as something job-related bothered her and talk about her emotions for hours? You know better than that! She had known from the start that a relationship between them would not be easy. Apart from her own intimacy issues that had developed after the rape, Olivia brought her own emotional baggage with her – including the detective's fear of making herself vulnerable by revealing her emotions and insecurities.

So what do I do? Do I allow her to distance herself from me and suffer in silence? Dawn looked down at the grocery bags. After eight hours of counseling upset teens, she was hungry, and cooking had always had a calming effect on her. Let's cook lasagna.

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26

"Go away, Elliot!" Olivia grumbled when the doorbell rang again. "Leave me alone, goddammit!"

But the visitor at her door was as stubborn as she was. Finally, Olivia marched over to the door and threw it wide open. But it was not her partner who was standing at her door but Dawn, who was looking up at Olivia's towering form with almost scared eyes. Immediately, Olivia was ashamed of her own behavior and hastened to make her stance more non-threatening. "Dawn…" She was at a loss at what to say. "I didn't know it was you."

"I figured as much when you hurled obscenities at the door," Dawn said with a small smile.

"What are you doing here?" Olivia didn't want to sound harsh, but she wasn't equipped to deal with another person's vulnerabilities and emotions right now – it was more than enough to deal with her own.

Dawn nodded down at the ovenproof dish that she was holding in front of herself like a protective shield.

She made lasagna, just because I mentioned that it was my favorite dish! God, don't I feel like an ass now! Olivia was still reluctant to let her in – literally and figuratively, but she stepped back with a sigh. "Come in."

She watched in silence as Dawn put the lasagna into the oven and set the table for the two of them. After lighting a candle, Dawn turned towards her. "The lasagna will need at least half an hour, so why don't you sit down for a while and take that off?"

Olivia stared at her without moving. She was only wearing jeans and a simple shirt, so there wasn't much to take off here. "Uh…what?"

"That weight on your shoulders. You would feel better if you took it off."

Olivia smiled sadly. "It's not that easy."

"I know, but it's sure as hell not going to get any easier if you continue to keep everything to yourself," Dawn insisted.

Olivia sighed. She had always told Elliot how wrong it was to exclude his wife from the job part of his life. She had never been in a relationship long enough for it to become a problem for herself, but now she understood for the first time why he insisted on not bringing the job home with him. Dawn and their relationship were the only good things in her life, and she didn't want to taint it by telling her about all the gory stuff that went on at work. She wanted to protect her from the graphic reality of her job, even if it meant excluding her from a large and important part of her life.

"Don't you want to tell me what happened?" Dawn tried again.

Olivia bit her lip. "Nothing happened."

Gray-green eyes darkened like angry thunderclouds. "Don't lie to me, Olivia Benson!"

"Then don't ask me questions that I don't want to answer!" Olivia shot back. "I don't want to talk about it, why can't you accept that?! She's dead, and no amount of talking will change that!"

"But it might change how you feel about it." Dawn shook her head with a sigh. "I don't know why police officers, who dedicate their lives to helping others, find it so difficult to accept help for themselves!"

"I don't need any help." All Olivia wanted was to be left alone.

It was obvious that Dawn had no intention of granting that wish. "You're not invincible, Olivia. I know that you've always been self-contained and that you need to show a professional demeanor and stifle your feelings while you're on the job, but if you continue to allow that to trickle into your private life as well, it'll hurt you – and it'll hurt our relationship."

Olivia was too upset to listen. "Would you stop trying to psychoanalyze me?!" she growled in a desperate attempt to get Dawn to back off. She wasn't used to dealing with someone who was unwilling to respect the protective barriers she had erected around herself. Dawn had managed to slip behind all her defenses from the start, and Olivia knew that they would completely crumble if she let Dawn in right now.

Dawn threw her hands up in frustration. "Why do you have to make this about my job?"

"Why do you have to make it about mine?" Olivia looked around like a caged animal. She wanted to lay her hands over her ears and either tell Dawn to shut up or throw her out of the apartment, but she knew that Dawn wouldn't leave voluntarily. Suddenly, a wave of intense fear rose – not of Dawn, but of herself and what she might do to get Dawn to leave her alone. Without another word, she turned on her heels and stormed out, relieved when she heard the apartment door close between her and Dawn.

When she finally calmed down enough to think clearly again, she was out on the street, two blocks away from her apartment…where I left Dawn, who will probably never speak another word to me ever again – not that I could blame her. God, how did I fuck this up so fast?

Slowly, she made her way back to the apartment building, half hoping and half fearing that Dawn would be gone. The apartment was silent when she hesitantly opened the front door. Shit, she left. Then Olivia heard the soft humming of her oven, where the lasagna was still sizzling away. The sight of the dish that Dawn had lovingly prepared for her and then abandoned almost brought Olivia to her knees.

"I'm sorry," said a small voice from the living room.

Seeing Dawn Kinsley standing in front of the couch was the most wonderful and the scariest thing Olivia had ever seen.

"I'm sorry," Dawn said again, when Olivia just stared at her. "You've always been so patient with me and here I am – pressuring you to do something you're obviously not ready for. I'm so sorry."

"I-I'm the one who needs to apologize." Cautiously, Olivia took a step towards Dawn, relieved when she didn't flinch back from her. "I know you're right. I know that I have to learn to communicate and express my feelings to you. It's just that…it's really hard for me."

Dawn didn't hesitate. "Come here." She opened her arms in invitation, offering one of her warm hugs.

Olivia hastily stepped back instead of forward. "I can't. I'm barely holding it together as it is. I can't fight this and you." Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

"You don't have to fight me. I need you to need me, too."

Something about Dawn's honest words resonated in Olivia. She crossed the room in three long steps and engulfed Dawn in a crushing hug.

Dawn's arms wrapped around her without hesitation, pulling her even closer against her body.

Olivia rested her cheek against the blonde hair, closed her eyes, and exhaled shakily. "A little girl disappeared last week, probably kidnapped right out of her own backyard. They found her this morning. The Medical Examiner says she'd been abused and tortured for a week and then slowly strangulated." Once she started talking Olivia couldn't stop herself. "She was just five years old, Dawn. Five! She'll never celebrate Christmas again, and her parents…we can't even tell them who did this to their daughter. He didn't leave a damn trace!" The anger threatened to rise again.

"That's really awful, but it's not your fault. You did everything you could," Dawn tried to soothe her.

Olivia sighed. "Sometimes, it's just not enough."

"I know."

The simple answer and the fact that Dawn didn't try to invalidate her feelings of guilt and anger took a part of the burden from Olivia's shoulders. She stood resting against Dawn until she felt her legs stiffen and her feet get numb. When she began to pull back, Dawn quickly brushed her lips against Olivia's before she stepped back.

Only when she tasted the salt on Dawn's lips did Olivia notice that the psychologist had been crying – and so had she.

Still holding Dawn to her with one arm, she stumbled to the couch and sank down onto it. Suddenly, she felt exhausted. She didn't want to talk or to think, and most of all, she didn't want to fight anymore.

"Why did you run away?" Dawn asked, squeezing Olivia's fingers to show her that she was not trying to assign blame for their fight; she was simply trying to understand.

"I was afraid." It was hard to admit, but if Dawn was willing to give her a second chance, Olivia was determined to learn how to trust and to share her feelings with Dawn.

Dawn's eyes widened. "Of me?"

"Of myself. Of the anger I felt burning inside of me," Olivia said. She had been desperately afraid that she might do or say something that would hurt Dawn. "All the other people in my life know to leave me alone when I'm feeling like this, but you…you stood up to me. I'm not used to that." Running away had always been her response to personal confrontations. She had never learned to confront people when she was angry, because she had always been afraid that her rage would overwhelm her, and so she had preferred to keep her distance until she was once again in control of her emotions.

Dawn's thumb stroked across the back of Olivia's hand. "When you walked out on me in the middle of our…discussion, it made me so stark raving mad that I almost threw out the lasagna! I'm a psychologist; I want to talk it out!" she said with a hint of self-irony.

"And I'm a cop; I want to avoid talking about it," Olivia answered in the same tone.

Dawn smiled at her. "I guess we have to find a compromise, then. How about this: Next time something happens while you're on the job, don't try to tell me that you're too tired or not hungry; simply tell me that something happened to upset you, but that you're not ready to talk about it just yet."

"Sounds like a deal," Olivia said with satisfaction.

"Good. Because I'm serious about wanting…needing to be there for you, too," Dawn emphasized. "If you're not willing to learn to trust me and to let me in, I can't be your…your partner. A relationship is not only about sharing the good things. Elliot is your partner at work, and he watches your back while you're on the job. At home, I'm your partner, and I intend to do the same."

Olivia sighed. What Dawn said not only made sense, she also liked the sentiment of thinking of Dawn as her partner, who would watch her back like Elliot did in job-related matters. But still… "I can't promise that I'll always be able to open up and talk to you."

"Can you promise to at least try?" Dawn asked.

"Yes," Olivia agreed wholeheartedly. "I can promise you that."

Dawn sank back against Olivia's shoulder. "Good."

That's it? That's all? Olivia stretched her legs out and tangled her fingers loosely into long, blonde hair. Suddenly, she wasn't sad, angry or brooding anymore. She felt relieved, almost giddy now. A part of her had always thought that the first time she lost her composure and showed insecurities or anger towards Dawn, their relationship would be over. But here they were – just minutes after their first fight, in each other's arms, and the respect and affection she felt for the younger woman were stronger than ever. "Is our first fight officially over?" she asked with a sheepish grin.

Dawn laughed. "Definitely."

"Then, if I read my copy of the relationship rulebook right, we have to take care of the 'kiss and make up' part now," Olivia suggested with a wink.

Blonde eyebrows lifted. "There's a rulebook?"

"Sure, didn't you receive a copy?"

Dawn grinned. "My secretary probably threw it out because she thought it was porn."

God, I love that sense of humor! "Okay, then I'll recite the relevant passage for you: said rulebook specifically states that, after a heated discussion, both parties involved are obligated to take part in a tradition called 'kiss and make up'," Olivia said, trying to adopt an official court clerk expression.

"Does this mysterious rulebook also state what might happen if one or both parties fail to comply with that particular rule?" Dawn asked with a smirk.

"Well, I didn't read that far, but it sounds like a really serious offense, so I imagine grave consequences…"

Dawn inclined her head. "Then we better abide by the rules, huh?" She moved closer to Olivia, their hands still linked.

"Dawn, I was just joking," Olivia said quickly. "You're not obligated to do anything…"

"I want to," Dawn answered. "I'm a law abiding citizen, after all."

Olivia held her breath, never moving an inch, as Dawn drew closer. Only at the very last moment did she lower her head to meet Dawn's lips. Her eyes never left Dawn's, until she saw them flutter close at the soft contact. The kiss was as gentle as Olivia could possibly make it. She didn't try to escalate the kiss or to touch any part of Dawn's body except for the hand she still held in her own.

When they finally broke apart, Olivia was breathless, not so much from the physical exertion of the kiss – for she had kissed her dates with much more passion than this – but because of the emotions the gentle kiss had evoked in her. "Was that…okay?" She lifted her head so she could see Dawn's face.

"It was nice," Dawn confirmed.

"Nice?" Olivia lifted a skeptical brow. "Just nice?"

Dawn teasingly tugged on Olivia's earlobe. "Do women usually use other vocabulary to describe your kisses?"

"Usually they're too breathless to use any vocabulary at all," Olivia playfully boasted.

Dawn smiled wistfully. "I think we should leave the breathless part for another time. I'm just not ready for—"

"I know." Olivia lifted their still entangled fingers to her lips and kissed Dawn's knuckles. "It really was a nice kiss. I'm not asking for anything more."

Dawn studied her for a while, but before Olivia could ask what was on her mind, she spoke again. "So, now that we've complied with that rulebook of yours…are you hungry?"

To her own surprise Olivia found that she was. "You didn't poison the lasagna because I snapped at you on the phone, did you?"

Dawn stood and tugged her up from the couch. "Let's find out."

STABLER RESIDENCE

QUEENS, NEW YORK

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

"Are you sure that you want to go?" Olivia asked her for the third time.

"Seeing as we're standing in the Stabler's driveway, it's a little late for these doubts, huh?" That's not to say that I don't have them! It was the first party hosted by strangers that Dawn was going to attend after her rape.

Olivia rounded the car to stand at her side. "You didn't want to go with Del and your mom to see the ball dropping in Times Square?"

"With 750,000 people pushing against me from all sides?" Dawn shuddered. She still couldn't stand the thought of strangers touching her. "No, thank you. I'd rather ring in the New Year with you."

Olivia smiled and extended her hand. "Okay, then let's go or we'll ring it in still standing in the driveway."

Holding Olivia's hand had become an almost automatic gesture for Dawn during the last week, so she had already entangled their fingers when she noticed what they were about to do. "Is this okay?" She lifted Olivia's hand a little. "Are you…out on the job?" There was still so much that they had never talked about.

Olivia stopped next to the front door. "I'm not exactly out, but I'm certainly not in the closet either. It's not something you discuss during work hours."

"And you're not going to get into trouble if you show up at your annual New Year's Eve party with a former victim…a witness in one of your cases?" Dawn worried.

"Elliot told me to bring you. As for the rest of them…" Olivia shrugged. "I don't know how they'll react, but I'm not going to hide you, no matter what. I'm proud of you."

Dawn blinked away the tears that she could feel building. It felt so good to hear Olivia say that, because there were times when she was still uncertain if she could be the partner that Olivia needed.

Suddenly, the door in front of them opened. Elliot Stabler leaned in the doorway and grinned down at them. "Are you going to come in or is there something fascinating about my front door?"

"It could use a new coat of paint," Olivia answered without missing a beat.

Elliot waved them in. "Tell it to Kathy; you know she wears the pants in this family."

A little more relaxed now, Dawn entered after Olivia. She hung back a little when she saw all the people milling around the living room.

"Hey, guys," Olivia greeted. She gently wrapped one arm around Dawn and tugged her forward. "For all of you who don't know her yet, or in the unlikely case that you already forgot her…this is Dawn Kinsley."

Relying heavily on the social skills of a psychologist, that helped her not to become overwhelmed with all the strangers, Dawn exchanged greetings with Olivia's friends and colleagues.

"Hi, Olivia!" A slender woman with friendly, light eyes approached them and engulfed Olivia in a hug that Dawn quickly categorized as sisterly.

When they separated, Dawn found herself the object of the woman's close scrutiny. "You have to be Dawn, right? I'm Kathy, Elliot's wife. Welcome to the most chaotic New Year's Eve party you'll ever see."

Dawn readily shook her hand. She knew that Kathy Stabler was almost something of a sister-in-law to Olivia. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Don't thank me until you've seen the piles of dirty dishes and pans that you'll have to help me with later on," Kathy said with a laugh.

"Yeah," a girl who Dawn guessed to be Elliot's eldest daughter piped up, "no thanks necessary, hard labor will do."

"Hi, Olivia." Alex Cabot, a wine glass in one elegant hand, strolled towards them. "I'm really glad to see you – I'm reasonably sure that you'll have to arrest someone before the night is over."

Dawn noticed that Olivia smiled in welcome, but didn't hug this particular colleague. "And who might that be?" Olivia gave back with a grin.

"I'm not sure yet. Either me for murder, or Munch and Fin for sexual misconduct!"

Olivia laughed. "Elliot's punch is that good, huh? What have they done now?"

"They're following me around with a piece of broccoli!" Alex rolled her eyes.

A lopsided grin formed on Olivia's lips. "I didn't know that broccoli is considered to be a dangerous weapon under New York's penal law."

"They're not trying to assault me with it; they're trying to kiss me under it," Alex said with mock exasperation.

"I had Elliot take away every piece of mistletoe in the house before the party started," Kathy explained, "so they settled for the closest thing they could find – a piece of broccoli from the buffet."

At the sound of Dawn's laughter, Alex seemed to notice her presence for the first time and turned towards her. "Hello, Miss Kinsley." If Alex was surprised to see her at their party, she was too polite to show it.

"Hello, Miss Cabot," was all Dawn could think of to say. She liked and admired the A.D.A., but knowing the infatuation that Olivia had had – or might still have – for her, she couldn't really relax in her presence. She had often wondered what Alex's feelings towards Olivia might be, but the attorney was much too adept at hiding her emotions to even guess.

"Do you want to have a glass of punch?" Olivia asked her, nodding in the direction of a giant punchbowl.

"No, thank you," Dawn declined. "I don't want to go around chasing people with a piece of vegetable."

Olivia grinned and stepped a little closer. "Do you mind if I have a glass?"

Dawn had noticed months ago that Olivia avoided drinking alcohol in her presence since she had told her that smelling beer could trigger one of her flashbacks. "No, of course not, go ahead." She watched Olivia weave her way through the small crowd of her co-workers.

STABLER RESIDENCE

QUEENS, NEW YORK

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

Olivia hadn't even reached the punchbowl, when Elliot's twins intercepted her. "Olivia! You have to come upstairs and look at our presents!" Dickie demanded.

"How about you show me a little later, huh?" she suggested gently. "I have to find something to drink for me and my friend first."

The kids ran off in search of a more willing victim.

"Olivia, my friend." John Munch handed her a glass of punch.

Olivia eyed him cautiously. "Do I have to frisk you for a piece of broccoli?"

Munch smirked, and Olivia suddenly noticed that she had never heard him laugh out loud. "Are you that hungry or is this your subtle way of asking me for advice concerning your love life? I see Santa brought you something really interesting this year." He turned to look at Dawn, who was engaged in a lively conversation with Kathy and Maureen.

Olivia smiled for a moment, but then pierced him with a serious stare. "You can tease all you want when it's just me, but please no jokes in front of her, okay?"

"My, my…" Munch studied her intently. "I never thought I would see this – Olivia Benson head over heels in love!"

Olivia wasn't ready to call it love just yet, but she didn't try to deny that she was hopelessly stuck on Dawn. "You're not…shocked that it's a woman?"

"Shocked?" Munch heartily bit into a piece of broccoli. "If you've attended as many conspiracy seminars as I did, there's not much that can still shock you. If you want shock, you have to watch my partner's ugly mug when he realizes how futile his attempts to hook you up with his cousin from the 2-7 are."

"Where's Fin anyway?"

Munch pointed lazily over her shoulder. "I think he's trying to flirt with your sweetheart."

Punch splashed over her hand as Olivia whirled around. Sure enough: Fin, in his best suit, was showing his pearly whites while he grinned down at Dawn.

"Come on, my friend." Munch nudged her with his sharp elbow. "Let's go rescue your damsel in distress."

Part 18

STABLER RESIDENCE

QUEENS, NEW YORK

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

"Tutuola, that's Yoruba, right?" Dawn studied the big man in front of her.

His dark eyes widened. "Yeah." The amazement was obvious in his deep voice. "Most people can't even pronounce it, much less know where it's from."

"I had a friend from Nigeria in college. She always told me that her name, Abidemi, means 'princess'. But, knowing her, I learnt a little Yoruba and found out that it means 'born without father'," Dawn explained.

"So," Fin bent down to whisper conspiratorially, "you wanna know what my first name means?"

"Don't bother, my friend," another male voice interrupted, "she's here with someone else."

They turned to see John Munch approach, Olivia right behind him.

Fin Tutuola groaned. "You're not tryin' to tell me that she's your date?!"

"Better." Munch's thin lips stretched into a gloating grin. "She's Liv's."

Fin almost choked on his punch. "Olivia is gay?!" he rasped.

"Come on," Munch clapped him on the back, "that's hardly a surprising revelation."

"It is to my cousin," Fin muttered.

Dawn felt Olivia's familiar presence move in behind her. Wordlessly, Olivia handed her a glass of orange juice. "Are you through discussing my love life and my sexual orientation?" Dawn knew her well enough by now to hear the mixed emotions of amusement and exasperation in her voice.

"Discussin'?" Fin repeated. "You have to know about somethin' first to be able to discuss it. You really could've told us that you're already…" The detective's gaze strayed towards Dawn. "…otherwise…engaged."

"Maybe I would have, had I been aware that I was a client of Odafin Tutuola's dating agency," Olivia shot back.

"How about I show you where our esteemed hostess stores the edibles while the two of them are busy butting heads?" John Munch gallantly offered Dawn his arm.

Dawn didn't hesitate for more than a second. Despite her now instinctive caution when meeting male strangers, she couldn't help but like Olivia's colleagues. She felt at ease with them. "Lead on," she said, resting her hand lightly on Munch's arm, "but please stay away from the broccoli."

"I think someone who's spreading ugly rumors about me is wandering these halls," Munch said as he led her away. He handed her a plate and watched as Dawn picked a few tidbits from the buffet. "Has Liv already introduced you to the other wives?"

Dawn looked up from the prawn cocktail. "The other wives?" she repeated with amusement. "So, I'm a wife now? I wasn't aware of any recent changes in my marital status."

If she had hoped to see the experienced detective flustered, she was disappointed. "You may not wear a ring yet, but just the simple fact that you're here tells me a lot about your relationship with our favorite female detective," Munch answered, his face expressionless.

Dawn nibbled on a pickled gherkin. "Why's that? From what I've seen so far, every detective brought a date."

"Sure, everyone always brings his or her - what my partner likes to call – 'squeeze of the month', just to have someone to kiss at midnight, but I never make much of an effort to learn their names, because I know they won't even last until the next party," Munch explained straight up.

"So what makes you think that I belong in the 'wife' and not the 'squeeze of the month' category?" Dawn asked with the same openness. She wasn't sure why, but out of all of Olivia's colleagues that she had talked to so far, she liked this man best. She had discovered that he was a real gentleman with a soft heart and a keen intelligence that he hid behind a mask of sarcasm.

Munch snagged another piece of broccoli from the buffet. "Olivia's never brought anyone to any of the parties before. She wouldn't have bothered to risk having to explain why she showed up with a woman, and a former key witness at that, if she thought that she would attend the next party alone again."

Dawn was stunned – and happy – at that insight. I really hope he's right about that. "You said your name is Munch, right? Not Huang?"

The corner of Munch's mouth lifted into a half-smile. "I've been married four times, so I guess you could say that I hold an honorary degree in crisis psychology."

"Is he giving you a hard time, Dawn?" Elliot Stabler sidled up to her, taking on a protective stance that reminded her of Olivia. "Munch is infamous for driving psychologists mad. In his last psych evaluation, he answered the question about the 'most disturbing experience during his career' with 'my second marriage'."

Dawn smiled at Elliot, then at the thin detective. "I'm divorced, too, so I can relate."

"Well, on that positive note, I think I'll go and rescue my partner from Olivia's wrath," Munch announced and walked away.

Suddenly alone with her girlfriend's partner, Dawn found herself a little tongue-tied. She fidgeted with her glass of orange juice. Is this how Olivia felt when I took her home for Christmas dinner with my family? She had watched the interaction between Olivia and Elliot, and it reminded her very much of her relationship with her brother. Now she felt like she was trying to win the approval of a big brother.

"Thanks for talking with Maureen earlier," Elliot finally broke the silence, "and for offering to get her in contact with your friends in the Art Department."

Maureen had been ecstatic when she had discovered that Dawn liked to draw and paint, too. She planned to study art history at Columbia University. "No problem," Dawn answered. "Your daughter is a really nice young woman." She smiled when she saw Elliot shudder at the thought of his little girl being a 'young woman' who would soon leave home.

When Elliot reached for a carafe of orange juice to refill her glass, Dawn used the pause in conversation to look around in search of Olivia. It took a moment to find her, for she was sitting in a quiet corner – with Alex Cabot. They were deeply in conversation, leaning close to each other to be able to hear over the increasingly loud party. The A.D.A. had set her wine glass down, and Dawn saw her lightly touching Olivia's forearm whenever she made a point.

Elliot handed Dawn her glass and followed the direction of her gaze. For a few seconds, he observed Alex and Olivia, and then he looked into Dawn's eyes. "Don't worry," he said, "Alex is not a threat to you."

Dawn bit her lip. She hadn't intended to reveal her stupid insecurities to Olivia's partner. But now that he had brought up the topic, she didn't want to let the opportunity to learn more about the relationship between Olivia and Alex pass her by. God knows, neither Olivia nor I have been eager to bring up the topic of Alex Cabot with each other. "Because she's straight?"

Elliot shrugged. "I assume that she is, but no one has ever had the balls to ask her to her face, and Alex likes to maintain an air of mystery. But even if Alex wasn't straight, it wouldn't matter – Olivia is the most loyal person I know."

Dawn didn't doubt it for a second. She had always known that Olivia would never cheat on someone with whom she was in a committed relationship. She trusted Olivia, but sometimes she still asked herself if Olivia wouldn't be much happier with a woman like Alex Cabot at her side – a woman who was elegant and confident in every situation, someone who shared a part of her work life, whom she could hug or kiss unexpectedly without her flinching back. Someone without the emotional baggage of a rape victim.

As if feeling Dawn's gaze on her, Olivia looked up and their eyes met. Olivia smiled and raised an eyebrow that silently asked: Everything okay?

Dawn gave her a smile and a nod.

Olivia's other brow joined the first one, forming an Are you sure?

With a quick glance at Alex, who was leaning back and observing their silent interaction, Dawn nodded again. She was feeling okay – or at least a lot better – now that she had seen how readily Olivia had directed her attention away from Alex and towards her.

Their eye contact was broken when Kathy Stabler waved for Olivia to follow her into the kitchen. Alex stood too, and for a second, Dawn thought that she would follow Olivia, but the A.D.A. strode towards her instead.

"Elliot." Alex's nod could have been a greeting as well as a dismissal.

"You'll have to excuse me now," Elliot said. "I think my presence is required in the kitchen. Leaving my wife and my partner alone to gossip about me is usually not a bright idea."

For the first time since she was more than a victim to Olivia, Dawn found herself alone with Alex Cabot. She suppressed the urge to instantly start with small talk to fill the awkward silence, curious to see what topic of conversation the attorney would choose.

"I hear you're back at work," Alex commented.

Dawn furrowed her brow. Did Olivia tell her that? Does she talk about me…about our relationship with Alex? Does Alex even know that we're in a relationship? She had a feeling that there wasn't much that Alex Cabot was not aware of.

"The Cabot clan has more informants than the Mafia," Alex explained, as if reading her thoughts.

She's a prosecutor, Dawn reminded herself, she's used to reading body language, so you better be careful if you don't want her to read you like a book. "Yes, I'm back at work," she finally answered. "Not at my old job, though. I decided to work with families and kids, with a few teens and young adults thrown in, who have problems coming to terms with their sexual orientation."

"That's important work." Alex's face revealed no emotions.

Is that the politically correct Cabot way of telling me that she's okay with my own sexual orientation…and my relationship with Olivia? Dawn wondered. "It's a nice change of pace from working with rape survivors."

"I can definitely understand that," Alex said with a decisive nod. "After prosecuting white collar crimes, transferring to Special Victims was…well, let's just say it's been a challenge."

Dawn suddenly began to wonder about Alex, the person, and not just Alex, Olivia's possible love-interest. What made a talented, ambitious woman from a wealthy, influential family choose a job that has a frustratingly low conviction rate and doesn't get much media attention? Why did she become a prosecutor? I'm sure her family wanted to see her as a partner in a big-shot law firm. "The detectives that I know always tell me that working with living victims is the hardest."

Alex swirled the wine in her glass. "Yes, but some of them wouldn't trade it for anything else."

She's talking about Olivia, Dawn realized. "For some, it's the only thing they know how to do – and the one thing they feel they have to do."

"The only thing they feel they have," Alex added, sipping from her wine like a southern lady.

"That's not true, though. They are and they have so much more than just the job." Dawn let her gaze wander around the room, taking in all the laughing people. "These people are almost like a family."

Alex turned so she could look at the same things that Dawn did. "A family," she agreed quietly, "complete with a strict, but soft-hearted father and a weird uncle."

Dawn had to chuckle as she looked at Cragen and Munch.

"And what's your role in that nice little family analogy?" Olivia asked as she came up behind them.

"That's easy – I'm the utterly brilliant, but completely underestimated, under appreciated sister," Alex answered, still looking at Dawn.

Sister, Dawn's mind repeated.

Olivia chuckled. "You forgot painfully shy and modest sister. So, what part does that leave for me?"

Alex nonchalantly turned to her. "The protective family dog," she suggested.

Orange juice dribbled down Dawn's chin and drenched her blouse as she laughed. My expensive, white silk blouse, Dawn added, grimacing as she looked down. Which is almost transparent now. "Damn."

"It's not that bad," Olivia reached out one gentle finger to flick a drop of juice from Dawn's chin. "At least you didn't drink red wine."

Dawn pulled the wet, cold fabric away from her skin with two fingers. She noticed that Olivia was heroically trying not to look anywhere but into her face.

"Come on," Olivia lightly gripped Dawn's elbow, "let's find Kathy and ask her if she has something you can wear."

Kathy readily gave them access to her wardrobe. "What's it gonna be?" She lifted a see-through blouse from its hanger and grinned back at Dawn. "Something sexy?"

"Don't tease her, Kathy," Olivia growled from somewhere behind them.

"Her?" Kathy winked. "It's you I want to tease."

"Something less transparent than what I'm already wearing would be nice, thank you," Dawn interrupted them.

Kathy handed her an elegant, dark red blouse. "Olivia, please show her where the bathroom is."

Dawn followed her friend down the hall.

Finally Olivia stopped and opened a door for Dawn. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Dawn turned to look up at her, suddenly aware that they were alone for the first time that evening. "It was just a little orange juice."

"That's not what I meant…" Olivia reached out a hand and, after a second of hesitation, let it rest against Dawn's cheek. "Are you okay with being at the party? I'm sorry that I keep abandoning you…"

Dawn covered the hand on her cheek with her own. "Abandoning? Olivia, we're not joined at the hip. You're allowed to leave me for a while to speak to your friends."

The guilty expression on Olivia's face faded. "I hope no one tried to hold a piece of broccoli above you while I wasn't looking."

"No. John Munch has been very nice to me; he's a real sweetheart," Dawn said with a smile.

Olivia's fingers tickled under her chin. "I think he has a soft spot for you. And Fin's still pouting because he's no longer allowed to try and charm you with his lame one-liners."

Dawn leaned back against the door jamb. "You mean one-liners like 'would you like to have coffee with us?'," she quoted one of the first things Olivia had said to her.

"That wasn't a line," Olivia protested. "And you shot me down pretty fast."

"Not because I wanted to," Dawn assured her, "but I couldn't very well cancel a patient's session because I wanted to go out with a cute detective that I had just met."

For a second, Olivia's dark eyes narrowed at the teasing 'cute', like Dawn had known they would, but then Olivia chose to concentrate on the rest of the sentence. "Would you have agreed to go out on a date with me, if we…had met again under different circumstances?"

Dawn had waited for that topic to be brought up. Her own thoughts had circled around those 'what ifs' for months now: What if she had accepted Olivia's offer to go out for coffee the first time they met? What if she hadn't made Olivia run away by asking her to speak to her group of pregnant rape victims? And, most of all, what if she had never been raped? "I would have hesitated, because you're a cop and I promised myself to never again get involved with one of the boys – or girls - in blue…"

"But?" Olivia prompted.

"But if you'd been persistent, I would have finally said yes." She lifted her eyes to Olivia's face. "Would you have been persistent?"

Olivia looked down at her boots.

Dawn sensed her reluctance. "Please, tell me."

"I can't really see myself going out of my way to get close to a shrink," Olivia said, one corner of her mouth lifting into an apologetic half-smile. "At least not emotionally close…"

There was something that Olivia was holding back. "But…?"

Olivia rubbed her neck; head down, looking up through her lashes with a mixture of childlike innocence and full-blown seduction. "Well, if I met you in a bar, after a stressful week, I'd have tried to get you into bed."

Dawn had long since suspected that Olivia normally was the one-night stand type, preferring sex without emotional entanglements, but to think that she would have gotten the 'love 'em, leave 'em'-treatment from her hurt nonetheless. She knew that Olivia was a woman with intense emotions and passions; from time to time, she would need to let go of the tight control that she normally held herself under. Dawn suspected that sex was that kind of release for Olivia, but she was no longer in a position to give her that. "Where does that leave us now?"

"Hey, you two!" Kathy called from the living room. "What's taking so long? Hurry up; the one-minute countdown has started!"

One minute till the New Year! Dawn's eyes widened. It wasn't enough time to go into the bathroom to clean up and change. She didn't want to begin the New Year alone in a strange bathroom, separated from Olivia by solid walls. She also didn't plan on ringing in the New Year in a stained, wet blouse that made Olivia politely look away from her. "Hold this and turn around!" she ordered.

"What?"

Dawn handed her Kathy's blouse. "Turn around."

Olivia hastily followed the command when Dawn tugged the blouse from her slacks and began to unbutton it. Without looking, Olivia handed the new blouse back over her shoulder when Dawn told her to.

Dawn had just finished with the last button when she heard the guests in the living room shout, "Five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!" She turned back around and met Olivia's eyes. "We don't have champagne."

"We don't need any." Olivia stepped closer and wrapped her in a full-body embrace.

Dawn's eyes fluttered shut. She slid her arms around Olivia and breathed in her scent – leather, cinnamon from one of Kathy's pastries she had eaten and something that was the scent of Olivia Benson alone.

"Happy 2002," Olivia whispered, her breath warming Dawn's ear. "I hope you have a wonderful year."

"Happy New Year." Dawn pulled back a little. From the living room, she could hear shouts and laughter, the popping of champagne corks, and Fin's deep voice as he butchered the words to 'Auld Lang Syne'. Outside, fireworks started going off in the sky. Dawn ignored the noise, concentrating only on Olivia's brown eyes. "What does that relationship rulebook of yours prescribe for a situation like this?"

Olivia chuckled. "The rulebook predicts a year of bad luck for anyone who fails to smooch their significant other at the stroke of midnight."

Fine hairs tickled Dawn's palm as she slid her hand up Olivia's neck. "Oh, I wouldn't want that on my conscience."

"No, we can't have that." Olivia's body pressed against hers more fully as she leaned forward and brushed her lips over Dawn's. She pulled back an inch to watch for Dawn's reaction.

This time it was Dawn who closed the remaining distance between them. She felt Olivia's lips caress hers slowly and gently. Too gentle, she decided when Olivia didn't try to deepen the kiss. She could feel her holding back, could sense the passion slumbering just under the surface. She wanted Olivia to enjoy their intimate contact and not have her planning her every action and analyzing Dawn's reactions, watching for any signs that she wanted her to stop. She tightened her arms around Olivia's waist and nibbled on her lips until she had teased them open. She moaned into Olivia's mouth when she felt her react.

"Hey, Liv, Happy New Year!" Elliot stepped from the living room.

The two women pulled back enough for Dawn to rest her forehead against Olivia's jaw. "God! I hope he has better timing when he's on the job!"

The assembled party guests followed behind Elliot, heading for the front door.

Olivia broke their embrace. "Did you run out of alcohol?"

Elliot rolled his eyes. "We're going outside to watch the fireworks. Come with us!" He pressed champagne flutes into their hands.

Dawn would have preferred to stay inside and continue her conversation – and other oral activities - with Olivia, but she followed them outside nonetheless. She watched as a ball of light burst overhead, streaking the night sky with purple sparks that drooped down to the ground. From the neighbor's back yard, golden and red fireworks launched high in the sky and divided into spirals. Dawn flinched when they finally exploded with a sudden 'boom'. Just a faint glitter remained after they burst.

Dawn touched her flute to Olivia's and that of half a dozen of her closest colleagues before taking a sip from the bubbly liquid.

"So, what New Year's resolutions did you make?" Kathy asked no one in particular.

Munch shook his head. "I've given up on resolutions. The changes that I'd like to make are beyond the control of a mere mortal."

"I could suggest a resolution or two for all of you." Don Cragen looked at each detective in turn. "Always following my orders, for example."

"Sorry, Cap, that'll have to wait till next year," Fin quipped, "I got another resolution already. I'm gonna quit smokin'."

"Fin, my friend, you're a non-smoker," Munch reminded.

Fin buffed his nails on his three-piece suit. "See? I work really fast, huh? Two minutes into the New Year and I already fulfilled my resolution."

"What about you, Liv? Do you have any resolutions?" Kathy asked.

Olivia paused a moment to contemplate the golden lights that were falling down from fireworks like branches of a willow. "Well, I guess now that I'm trying my hands at that relationship thing, I'll have to give up the strippers, hmm?"

Dawn had made a bet with herself that Olivia wouldn't give a serious answer. Does she really have no plans for the New Year? Nothing she wishes to accomplish or to change?

"Strippers?" Kathy asked with interest. "Is that what's really going on when my dear husband tells me you have another all-night surveillance?"

"Hey, we are watching very closely," Elliot defended. "That's what surveillance is all about."

Kathy's marital eye-rolling was interrupted when she gazed up to watch what looked like hundreds of shiny jewels falling from the sky. Finally, her gaze came to rest on Dawn. "Have you made any resolutions?"

For a few seconds, Dawn contemplated answering with a joke of her own, but then she felt Olivia's intense dark eyes on her, almost like a touch. "I resolved that I'm going to bid the last year farewell tonight. I want to look forward instead of always looking over my shoulder. I want to take my life back and live it to its fullest."

Exploding fireworks sounded unbearably loud in the sudden silence. Then Olivia stepped forward and raised her champagne flute. "To living life to its fullest."

SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

SQUAD ROOM

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

"Liv?"

Olivia looked up to see Elliot set the phone receiver down.

"We've got a witness." Elliot made quotation marks in the air at the word 'witness'. "Another near-sighted granny claims that Robert Danton just moved into the apartment next door from her; 317 East 5^th Street."

Olivia snorted. "That's practically in the lap of the 9^th precinct; even Danton couldn't be that stupid. If you ask me, he's not even in New York anymore."

"Yeah, I'd guess that he's breathing fresh Canadian air by now. But we have to check it out anyway, and you can even go and say hello to your Lieutenant buddy from the 9^th precinct." Elliot grinned down at her.

"Lieutenant Vasquez is not my buddy," Olivia protested as she clipped on her holster and checked the magazine. "She's Dawn's friend, not mine." At the mention of Dawn's name, her gaze fell onto the good luck charm that had escaped from the confines of her v-neck shirt. Olivia hesitated, but then spontaneously opened her locker. "Let's wear the vests today."

Elliot watched as she fastened the Velcro straps of the dark blue bullet-resistant vest. "You have a premonition or something?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just that…" Olivia hesitated. "I promised myself that I wouldn't take any unnecessary risks." It's not only me that I have to think of anymore.

Elliot grabbed his own vest. "Ah, so you did make New Year's resolutions."

"I'm just not eager to be the next dead cop Dawn has to cry over." Olivia held his gaze for a second, and then closed her locker. "Let's go."

APARTMENT BUILDING OF

ROBERT DANTON

317 EAST 5^TH STREET

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

The detectives pulled their sedan up one house in front of the targeted address. At the remote chance that Danton, who had brutally murdered three women, was really in the area, they didn't want to alert him of their presence.

Two uniformed officers from the 9^th precinct were already waiting for them – and they weren't alone. Del Vasquez leaned against the hood of her unmarked car, also wearing a vest and her service weapon. "Benson." Del gave her a curt nod. She was all business now; a tough, competent cop, not the charming Latina aunt that Dawn knew.

Olivia returned the greeting in the same professional manner.

With a quick glance towards the uniformed officers who had taken cover positions around the block, they entered the building. Del wrenched a ballpoint pen under the door to hold it open in case they'd need backup. The officer directly behind Olivia lowered the volume of his portable radio to a whisper.

Olivia drew her weapon from its holster and held it alongside her thigh, the index finger resting next to the trigger, as they climbed the stairs.

Somewhere above them, a door banged and a male voice shouted angrily.

They stopped before turning around the last corner, communicating with quick hand gestures.

Olivia could feel her heart begin to pound. Adrenalin was pulsing through her veins. All her senses were concentrated on the landing before them as they rounded the corner.

The landing was empty. The number on the door at the top of the steps revealed that it was the apartment they were looking for.

Olivia tensed when the door next to it opened, but it was only a little silver-haired lady peeking out. "Get back into your apartment, Ma'am."

As the old woman moved back, they took positions on each side of the doorframe.

Elliot listened for a second, trying to hear what was going on behind the door, and then shook his head. Nothing.

They exchanged one last, silent glance. Elliot raised his fist to knock.

Another door behind them opened.

"Get back into your apartment," Elliot ordered without looking away from the door in front of them.

Olivia turned to make sure the neighbor had moved back. Instead of looking into a curious tenant's eyes, she was suddenly staring down the barrel of Robert Danton's gun. Their elderly witness wasn't only near-sighed; she had a bad memory for numbers, too - they were standing in front of the wrong apartment.

"Drop the—!" Olivia saw Danton's index finger move and she squeezed the trigger.

A shot echoed through the staircase.

Olivia wanted to fire again, but suddenly pain exploded in her chest, and she found herself staring up at the gray ceiling.

Part 19

APARTMENT BUILDING OF

ROBERT DANTON

317 EAST 5^TH STREET

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

Elliot spun around, his pistol trained on the man who had suddenly appeared behind them. One quick glance told him that he didn't need to worry about Robert Danton anymore. A bullet from Olivia's weapon had instantly killed him.

Holstering his weapon, he turned back around towards his partner. "Good sho…Liv!"

Olivia was lying flat on her back without moving, one hand pressed against her chest, gasping and wheezing. To his half-trained ear, it sounded like a collapsed lung. A pool of blood was spreading under her.

Oh, shit, shit, shit! God, no, please, let her be okay! One quick step and he fell onto his knees next to her.

Somewhere behind him, Del Vasquez had taken over the portable radio. "10-13! Officer down! We need the EMTs at 317 East 5^th Street, now!"

Olivia was staring up at him with wild, unfocused eyes. For a few moments Elliot wasn't even sure if she could see him until she groaned "El…"

"Lie still," he ordered gently. It seemed like Olivia was unable to move anyway.

Del Vasquez sank down on her knees on the other side of the wheezing woman. The hand that reached for Olivia's was gentle, but her voice was harsh. "Benson, if you dare to die, I swear I'll—"

"She's not going to die!" Elliot didn't care that he was shouting at a lieutenant. He reached out frantic hands and ripped open Olivia's pierced shirt. Smoke rose from a hole in the vest, and for a few scary moments, he couldn't see if the bullet had penetrated or not. Then his trembling fingers felt the deformed lump of hot metal that was imbedded in the Kevlar layers directly over Olivia's heart.

Together, he and Del struggled to loosen the Velcro straps, and Del tugged up the white T shirt underneath.

No blood. Relief almost made him collapse on top of his fallen partner. An extensive bruise was already spreading, but the Kevlar had protected her from more serious injuries or even death.

"Your vest caught it; you'll be fine!" He almost sang it out to Olivia.

Olivia stared up at him; her eyes very dark against her pale face and lips. She was still fighting for breath and blood was spreading from what he hoped was just a laceration. "D-don't—"

"Shhhh, don't try to speak," Elliot cautioned her. He heard sirens approach. "The ambulance will be here any second."

"D-don't…call…Dawn!" Olivia wheezed.

The EMTs came trampling up the stairs, and the two cops moved back to let them help Olivia. Elliot stood with hanging arms, looking down at Olivia's blood on his clothes. He watched as a uniformed officer picked up Olivia's gun to place it into an evidence bag. As much as he wanted to follow his partner to the hospital, he knew that he had to stay and wait for the Internal Affairs Shooting Team.

"Go," Del told him. "The Cheese Eaters can talk to me first; there'll be time for your GO15 interview later."

Elliot breathed a sigh of relief. He moved to follow the EMTs down the stairs, but then turned back around. "You're going to call Dawn anyway, aren't you?" he guessed.

"Wouldn't you want your wife to know if you had been shot?" Del asked.

"No." Elliot could understand the impulse to protect the woman you loved. "But she'd want to."

OFFICE OF

DAWN KINSLEY

3 GUSTAVE L. LEVY PLACE

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

"Doctor Kinsley?" Dawn's new secretary stuck her head into the office. "There's a police officer here who wants to see you."

Dawn held back a grin. Olivia Benson, you're not using that gold shield of yours to scare my secretary, are you? "Is she tall, dark-haired, and attractive?"

"Yes, she is," Del answered as she entered despite the secretary's protests.

"Del!" It was not the tall, dark-haired, attractive detective she had wanted to see, but not a bad second choice either. "It's okay, Mrs. Phillips, she's a friend of mine."

The secretary closed the door behind her, but Del still didn't move closer.

"Del? Is everything all right?"

Del trudged across the room and slumped into a visitor chair. "Sit down." Her voice was without any trace of her usual humor.

A clump of ice formed in Dawn's stomach. She had heard those words and had seen that look on a cop's face before. "No. I don't want to sit."

"Dawn, please…"

Dawn, not Grasshopper. This is serious. A part of her didn't want to hear what Del had to say, but another part couldn't stand the dreadful silence any longer. "Just tell me."

"There's been a shooting…"

"God, no! Olivia!" Dawn stumbled back, falling into her chair. Her stomach heaved when she detected the blood on Del's sleeve. "Is it…? Is she…?"

Del leaped from her chair when Dawn began to sway. Quickly she enfolded her in protective arms. "No, no, I don't think it's anything serious. Just a few scrapes and bruises."

Dawn closed her eyes and waited until she was sure that she could speak without throwing up. "Yes, this time. But how long until…" She swallowed and fell silent. The words hurt too much to say them out loud. "I can't stand it, Del. Not again."

Del's familiar dark eyes studied her intently. "So, what are you gonna do? Ask her to resign?"

"No." Dawn shook her head. That had never been an option in her mind. "The job is so much a part of who she is; I would never ask her to give that up."

"Then, what else can you do? Break up with her?"

Dawn bit her lip until she tasted blood.

Del smiled softly. "Didn't think so. You're way past the point where it would hurt any less if you'd end it now, Grasshopper."

"I…I think I love her, Del."

"I know." Del's hand drew comforting circles across her back.

Dawn could remember her doing the same when she had skinned her knees over twenty years ago. I don't think a band-aid and ice-cream will make it better now. Dawn blinked away her tears. When she moved back a few inches, she was surprised to discover that Del's eyes were a little misty, too.

Sudden anger gripped her. "Damn you!" Her half-closed fist hit Del in the chest, but the Latina made no move to defend herself. "Why do you cops have to be so…so…" She closed her eyes again and rested her forehead against the place she had just hit. "When Dad died, and then Aidan, I swore I would stay away from cops and never go through what Mom did and now…it's just not fair!"

"I know," Del whispered. "But despite all the pain, your mother never regretted that she married your dad."

Dawn nodded and sighed. "Where is she?"

CABRINI MEDICAL CENTER

227 EAST 19^TH STREET

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

Elliot was pacing the hospital hallway when Dawn hurried through the double doors with Del. He was looking as worn out as Dawn felt – his suit wrinkled and blood-stained, the tie hanging loosely around his neck, and his eyes haunted.

Suddenly he was not a stranger that she hardly knew anymore but an anxiously waiting family member. Dawn wrapped her arms around his stiff shoulders for a quick hug. "How is she?"

"I haven't heard anything yet." Elliot shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet, clearly hard pressed not to resume his pacing again.

Dawn sank into an uncomfortable plastic chair. She fell into some sort of trance while she waited for news about Olivia's condition. She didn't notice Del or Elliot; didn't see the nurses and visitors bustling down the hallway; didn't hear the beeping of machines or crying children, yet was immediately wide awake when a white-clad doctor stopped in front of them.

"Anyone here for Detective Benson?"

"Yes!"

The physician looked from Elliot to Dawn. "Are you family?"

Again, they spoke at the same time, "I'm her partner."

The doctor's brows lowered in silent reproach. "I would recommend you get your stories straight if you want information about the patient."

Elliot was not in the mood for debates. He shoved his gold shield under the doctor's nose. "I'm her work partner, and she's her life partner; now tell us how she is!"

"She's lucky to be alive," the doctor answered. "The vest prevented the bullet from entering her body, but she still absorbed the bullet's energy, which caused blunt force trauma."

Dawn swallowed. The word 'trauma' wasn't part of her favorite vocabulary at the moment.

"And that means…?" Elliot prompted.

"She has a chest contusion - a fist-sized hematoma, a few bruised ribs, some swelling and discoloration," the physician explained. "She'll be very sore for a week or so."

Dawn stared up at him. "But she'll be fine?"

"Well, she also has a laceration on the back of her head and a possible concussion, so we're doing a CAT scan and we're admitting her over night for observation." The doctor shrugged. "But provided that there aren't any complications, yes, she should be fine."

"Can we see her?" Dawn had to see with her own eyes that Olivia was okay.

"The nurses will let you know when she's back in her room." The doctor held up a finger. "Don't stay too long, though. Detective Benson needs her rest."

Time seemed to crawl, but finally a nurse arrived. "You can see her now."

"You go in," Elliot said to Dawn. "I'll come visit her as soon as I've called Kathy."

Thankful for the opportunity to be alone with Olivia, Dawn followed the nurse towards one of the rooms. She opened the door and peeked in.

Olivia was slumped against the pillows of a hospital bed; her face as pale as the linens. She had been stripped of her gold shield and her detective clothes, and was wearing a hospital gown. A white patch of gaze covered the back of her head, and there was an intravenous line taped to her hand.

"Hi." Dawn's voice was a mere whisper. The sight of a wounded Olivia shook her to her core.

At the sound of her voice, Olivia tried to straighten and take on a more casual pose, but Dawn could see her nostrils flare in an attempt to suppress a groan.

"Don't get up!" Careful not to jostle her, Dawn perched on the side of the hospital bed. She took Olivia's hand in her own and stared down at her, trying to catch up with her whirling thoughts and comprehend what had happened.

"Don't look at me like that." Olivia nudged her under the chin to make her smile. "I'm fine, really."

Dawn didn't smile. "You have to stay overnight in a hospital, that's not 'fine' in my book."

"It's just standard procedure." Olivia waved a hand. "A formality."

"Of course!" Dawn's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "It's not like you have any reason to be here, like a concussion or massive bruising."

Olivia struggled to sit up. "I'll be fine; I've had worse. They shouldn't have called you."

"Oh, yes, they should!" Dawn didn't want to argue, but her emotions were running high. The thought of how close Olivia had come to dying was making her dizzy. She wanted to hug Olivia and hold onto her for a long time; she wanted to shout, and to cry, and to laugh with relief, but Olivia didn't seem to want any displays of emotion. It took all her self-discipline to imitate Olivia's matter-of-fact behavior. "What happened?"

"I can't talk about that."

Dawn looked into stony brown eyes. "You can't or you don't want to?"

Olivia shrugged. "It's an ongoing investigation—"

"An investigation that almost cost you your life and I'm not allowed to ask you about it?" Dawn knew that she would see every possible scenario of what might have happened in her nightmares.

Olivia closed her eyes.

With a sigh, Dawn decided that this was not the time for an argument. Olivia looked exhausted and in pain, even if she tried to hide it. Give her a little time and space, she reprimanded herself, Olivia is a woman who needs it, and you have to accept that. "Do you have a headache?" Her fingertips touched the fine hairs on Olivia's temple.

Brown eyes opened. "It's not too bad."

A soft knock preceded the opening of the door. Instead of the nurse that Dawn had expected, Elliot and Del entered.

Elliot stopped at the foot of the hospital bed and wrapped his hands around the railing surrounding it. His eyes didn't leave his partner's face. "You okay?"

Olivia grinned up at him. Dawn could see her flinch as she tried for a casual shrug. "I would be better if I didn't have to wear this flimsy sheet of paper and stay here overnight to enjoy three low-cal, low-taste meals."

Del crossed the room and rested one hand on Dawn's shoulder as she looked down at Olivia. "Hey, Benson," she greeted her. "The first time you work with me and you pull a stunt like this! You just couldn't stand the thought of letting a lieutenant with the 9^th have all the attention, huh?"

Olivia chuckled, clearly more comfortable with Del's cop-typical approach of hiding her emotions behind joking and teasing than with Dawn's questions about her well-being.

"We should go and let you get some rest," Dawn said when she saw Olivia suppress a yawn. A little uncomfortable under Elliot's and Del's watchful eyes and not sure if Olivia was up for the public display of affection she leaned down and pecked Olivia's cheek without wrapping her arms around her like she wanted to.

Olivia gazed up at her; her eyes dark with pain and emotion. "Dawn?"

She stopped in mid-turn. "Hmm?"

"I…we'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

Dawn's relief that Olivia wasn't completely shutting her out was profound. For the first time since Del had appeared in her office, she could breathe freely. "Okay."

CABRINI MEDICAL CENTER

227 EAST 19^TH STREET

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8

Olivia didn't look up when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw another white-clad figure enter with a tray in her hands. "Thanks, but I'm not hungry."

"Well, I guess then I'll just take this delicious Chinese food that my daughter prepared for you and—"

A wave of pain shot through Olivia as her head jerked up, stretching the sore muscles of her chest and shoulder. Dawn's mother stood in front of her – in a nurse's uniform. "Grace? What are you doing here?"

"I work here at the hospital; I'm a nurse upstairs in the pediatrics unit." Grace glanced down at her white clothes. "Or did you think this was a fashion statement?"

Olivia didn't know how to answer the gentle teasing. Never in her life had she been concerned with making a good impression and getting someone to like her, but now she wanted to impress Grace. She knew how important her mother was to Dawn, and she knew that if she wanted a serious long-term relationship with Dawn, she'd better try to establish some sort of mutual acceptance with Grace. "No, I…I guess I'm not thinking clearly right now."

Grace moved closer and set the tray down on the bedside table. With the trained eye of a nurse, she checked the dressing on Olivia's head and the bruise that was peeking out from under the thin hospital gown. "You're lucky to be alive." Her voice was a whisper.

"I know." The pain in Grace's eyes reminded her of the other cops in the Kinsley's lives that hadn't been so lucky.

"If you hadn't worn a vest…"

"I know," Olivia said again. It had been a routine visit, following the tip of an elderly witness, that they had been sure would turn out to be a dead end anyway. Almost never had she worn a bullet-resistant vest in a situation that she didn't expect to end in a confrontation with a perp. Only a coincidental glance down at the Saint Michael good luck charm had made her stop to get a vest this time. I really had a guardian angel today. She lifted a hand to touch the pendant – only to find the place on her upper chest empty. God, no! I must have lost it when they ripped the vest and shirt off me!

"Are you looking for this?"

Olivia looked up to see the silver pendant dangling from Grace's fingers. "How…?"

"Del found it at the scene after the EMTs had carried you off," Grace said. "She recognized it immediately because it's one of a kind. There's not another one that's exactly like this. My mother-in-law had it made for Jim's father, who was a cop, too." She looked down at the good luck charm, her thumb caressing the metal.

It's an old family heirloom, Olivia realized, and Dawn gave it to me? Did her mother know about that?

Grace reached out to hand Olivia the necklace.

"No." Olivia pulled her hand away and shook her head. "It belongs to your family."

Grace studied the silver pendant for a second. "Yes, it does." She stepped forward and pressed it into Olivia's hand, closing her fingers around hers to prevent her from letting go. "And if my daughter has anything to say about it, you're a part of it now."

Olivia looked down at the hand resting over hers. Did Dawn's mother really want her to have something that was so valuable to her family? "And…and if you had anything to say about it?"

"Then it would be Jim who gave the pendant to you," Grace said, her gray eyes misty. "But if you have it, I can at least have the feeling that somewhere, somehow he's there, watching over you and making sure that his daughter's heart won't be broken again by losing a cop."

Olivia tightened her grip, finally accepting the necklace. Dawn's father watching over me…I like that thought. Although I hope that he won't be watching in certain situations when I'm off-duty and spending quality time with his daughter.

APARTMENT OF

GRACE KINSLEY

470 BROOME STREET

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9

A key rattled in the lock, and her mother's footfalls came down the hall. "Dawn?"

"I'm in the kitchen, mom."

Grace cracked the door open and peeked into her kitchen.

Dawn turned away from the stove to glance at her mother. "I hope you don't mind that I used your kitchen, mine is just too small."

"It's certainly too small for all of this." Grace gestured with both hands, pointing at the lasagna, the Caesar salad, the mousse au chocolate, and the cookies that were baking in the oven. She wandered closer, and Dawn felt her mother's hand come to rest on the small of her back. "Are you okay, Sweetie?"

"I'm not the one who got shot, mom." Dawn's teeth ground against each other.

"You're the one who looks more upset, though," her mother said. "I always know that something's bothering you when you're cooking up a storm. Is Olivia still pulling that stoic warrior routine that they seem to teach at the Police Academy?"

A smile inched across Dawn's face. "I think she was the top pupil in the class."

"Your father was the all-time champion, though."

Dawn leaned against the kitchen counter. When her father had been alive, she had been a teenager without much interest in the dynamic of relationships, and now she tried to think back and remember the interactions her parents had shared. "Dad…was he communicative as a partner?"

Grace laughed. "Are you kidding? He came from a family of Irish cops who thought that 'pass the potatoes, please' constituted sufficient marital conversation. It's not that he wasn't concerned about me and my feelings, he just didn't like to talk about his own."

"What did you do when he tried to shut you out?"

"It took a few years, but eventually I figured out when to push and when to let him be." Grace smiled. "And I cooked a lot."

Dawn snorted. "Great. Nice to know that I'll be frustrated and fat."

"Talk to her," Grace suggested. "I have a feeling that Olivia wants to talk to you but is just not used to having someone be there for her. She doesn't have family, does she?"

Dawn didn't want to delve into that topic. That was something that only Olivia could decide to share. "I don't think she has any connection to people outside of her job."

"Except for you," Grace pointed out.

"If she wants me."

Grace pinched her thigh. "Of course she does. What's not to want?"

"You're biased, mom." Since the rape, there were moments that she doubted that she was proper relationship material for a woman like Olivia. She wondered if she could really be an equal partner for Olivia, not only because of the emotional wounds that the rape had left, but also because – despite having been married - she didn't have much experience with relationships, much less lesbian relationships.

"I don't think so. She'd be lucky to have you – you're intelligent, beautiful, and honest, and seeing as how I can't stand lasagna, I reckon you just spent a few hours in the kitchen to make her favorite dishes for her."

Dawn felt a blush crawl up her neck and color her cheeks. "Olivia is not much of a cook."

"See?" Grace patted her shoulder. "You're perfect for each other. If she always cooked when she's upset, too, I'd never get to use my kitchen again. Now go and feed that detective of yours."

Part 20

Loaded with half a dozen containers of food, Dawn drove across town. She pressed the familiar bell-button to be buzzed up, but no one answered. Hmm…either she's asleep or she doesn't want company.

One of Olivia's neighbors moved past her and turned his key in the lock. He entered but kept his hand on the door to prevent it from closing and looked back at Dawn. He had seen her when she had visited Olivia before.

After a second's hesitation, Dawn followed the neighbor into the apartment building. If Olivia still didn't open the door, she would at least leave the food on her doorstep. To her surprise, the door was opened after the first knock.

Olivia was leaning in the doorway in jeans and a loose shirt; her feet bare and her hair still damp. "Sorry I couldn't let you in when you rang the bell. I was in the shower."

Dawn resisted the urge to kiss a drop of water from the tip of Olivia's ear. Deeply breathing in her scent, she slipped past Olivia into the apartment. "How are you?"

"Much better now that I escaped those sterile hospital walls." Olivia followed her into the living-room and watched as Dawn spread out the food she had brought on the coffee table. "What's all this?"

"I made you lunch."

"You didn't have to." When she saw the expression on Dawn's face, she hastily added, "But I really appreciate it. It smells great." Olivia opened the kitchen cupboard and reached up to take out two plates for them. A groan escaped her lips when she stretched to reach the upper shelf.

Dawn raced around the table and urged Olivia away from the cupboard. "Sit down and rest. Did they prescribe pain meds for you?"

"I have some pain pills."

"Then take them! You don't have to play the hero with me." With a loud clink, Dawn set a glass of water down in front of Olivia.

Olivia still made no move to get the pills. "I don't—"

Dawn closed her eyes and took a deep breath when she opened them again. "Please. I don't like seeing you in pain." In fact, she hated it.

Olivia's eyes met hers, and without further discussion, the detective rose and returned with two white pills, which she swallowed.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Dawn began to set the table.

"I'm sorry." Olivia stepped behind her and covered Dawn's hand, that had just laid a fork on the table, with her own. "I know I'm a terrible patient, but I'm not used to being fussed over."

Dawn turned and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist, careful not to exert any pressure on her chest. "I'm sorry for fussing."

"No, no, I like it." Olivia's hands, warm against her back, squeezed her gently.

Dawn laughed. "It makes you crazy."

Olivia pressed a kiss to the crown of Dawn's head. "Hmm, maybe I like crazy?"

Dawn closed her eyes and relaxed into the embrace. Being so close to Olivia, feeling her breath warm her neck and inhaling her scent made it difficult to think about how easily Olivia could have been taken away from her. After another minute, she forced herself to move back. "Come on. Let's eat while it's still warm."

After lunch, Dawn busied herself with the dishes and directed Olivia to the couch. The simple fact that Olivia wasn't protesting told her how groggy she was. When she had put away the last plate, Dawn tiptoed into the living room.

Olivia was lying back on the couch, her eyes closed.

Intent on not waking her, Dawn snuck across the room to retrieve her jacket.

"Are you trying to steal my TV set?" Olivia's voice made her jerk, and Olivia chuckled. "I'm not asleep, just resting like you told me to. Do you have to get back to the office?"

Is that her way of asking me to stay a little longer? Dawn hoped it was, for she had no intention of leaving Olivia without addressing the shooting and the emotions it had caused in both of them. "No, I'm done for the day. I just wanted to let you sleep without interrupting."

"I haven't done anything but laze around since yesterday, so how could I be sleepy?" Olivia sat up and patted the space she had just cleared on the couch next to her. "Let's see if anything interesting is on."

Dawn settled down at the end of the couch, curling one leg under her. She watched in silence as Olivia turned on the TV and flicked through various channels. A passionate kiss between two soap characters flashed across the screen, rapidly followed by a single cop chasing down a suspect.

"Ha! If I'd done that, I wouldn't have made it out of the Academy!" Olivia finally settled on a documentary about a team that was trying to climb Mount Everest.

Not calm enough to settle down and get lost in other people's lives, Dawn shifted her legs.

"Why don't you make yourself comfortable?" Olivia said and reached out a hand to draw Dawn towards her. "Come on, lean back against me. I promise I won't bite."

"That's not a good idea; you're in enough pain as it is. Why don't you lean back against me?"

Olivia's hand froze on Dawn's arm. For a moment, she just stared at her. "Uh…okay. I guess that works, too."

Dawn slipped behind Olivia and leaned back against the arm of the couch. She rested one leg along the back of the couch and hooked the ankle of the other over the coffee table. With an inviting smile, she patted the empty space in between her legs.

Inch by inch, Olivia moved towards her. She stopped when her back was barely touching Dawn's body.

Knowing that the stiff, upright position could not be comfortable, Dawn wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist and drew her back.

"I'm too heavy." Olivia tried to resist.

"Nonsense. I'm not made off glass; I can take it." Dawn exerted more pressure, and Olivia finally allowed herself to sink back against her body. Tension vibrated in the muscles under Dawn's hand. Clearly, Olivia was not used to being the one held; more comfortable with the protective stance of the 'holder' than with the more vulnerable position of the 'holdee'.

The team in the documentary had almost made it to the summit when Dawn finally felt Olivia relax. Her head came to rest against Dawn's shoulder; the white dressing brushed against her cheek whenever Olivia moved. Dawn hastily directed her gaze away from the reminder of Olivia's injury. She didn't want to bring up that particular subject now that she had gotten Olivia to relax. Following the contours of Olivia's ear with her eyes, she then lifted a finger and traced the rim of the ear. "Your ears are really cute." They were. The small ears, left free by Olivia's short hair, somehow reminded her of Olivia's softer, more vulnerable side.

"What?"

"Your ears," Dawn repeated, "they're cute."

"My ears?" Olivia craned her neck to look back at Dawn.

Dawn's shrug moved the body that was lying half on top of her. "Yeah, I like them. They're very…kissable." She enjoyed the shiver that raced through Olivia as her lips graced the detective's ear. Her own body was virtually vibrating with Olivia's closeness. "Has nobody ever complimented you on your ears?"

"No." Olivia laughed, her voice a little rough. "Most of my dates tell me they like my smile or my eyes, and the more daring ones comment on my breasts or my ass. I remember one woman who had an obsession with my arms, but no one ever paid any attention to my ears."

Dawn grazed the almost microscopic hairs on the earlobe with her fingernail, sending another shudder through Olivia. "Well, then it's high time that someone makes up for that neglect!" Dawn looked down at the body in her arms, debating with herself if she should voice the thoughts going through her head. "That's not to say that I don't like your eyes and your smile and the way your arms feel when they hold me; or that I don't think what I've seen of your ass and your breasts is awe-inspiring. I do. But still, your ears are cute."

Olivia raised herself up on one elbow and half-turned to smile at Dawn. "While you're already lying down on a couch…please tell me, Doctor, when did your ear-fetish start?"

Dawn chuckled. "Well, I guess that would be around the time that I met you."

With a suppressed groan, Olivia sank back against her human backrest. Using the muscles in her shoulder still seemed to be painful.

Having divided her attention between her own thoughts and watching Olivia, Dawn looked up in surprise when Olivia flicked the remote and turned off the TV. They lay in the dark. Dawn's not yet adjusted eyes tried to make out Olivia's face in the darkness. "I want to stay the night."

The surprise on Olivia's face matched her own. Dawn hadn't planned to invite herself.

"Umm…you want to…?" Olivia's gaze darted in the direction of the bedroom, then back to search Dawn's face.

Dawn was thankful for the near darkness that covered her blush. "I want to sleep with you…next to you. Just sleep, if that's okay for you."

"Of course it is. I don't feel very adventurous right now," Olivia assured her. "But my bed is not exactly king-sized…will you be comfortable sleeping so close?"

Dawn's shoulders moved like the wings of a wounded bird. "I don't know; I haven't slept…stayed with anyone since…since I was raped." She forced the words from her lips.

Olivia rose and turned to face her. "If you're uncomfortable at any time, tell me and I'll sleep on the couch."

"If anyone sleeps on the couch, it'll be me," Dawn made her voice firm, "but let's try the bed first, hmm? Do you need help in the bathroom?"

Olivia stared at her as if Dawn's words made no sense to her, and then she blinked a few times. "No, thanks, I've been able to manage that on my own since I've been three years old."

The urge to slap Olivia on the head rose, but knowing she was hurt there too, she held herself back. "You weren't bruised and battered when you were three!"

"Thanks, I can manage," Olivia said again. She disappeared into the bathroom.

Dawn heard the water start and then, after a few minutes, the clank of a toothbrush that was placed back into its glass. The water was turned off, but Olivia didn't return. Dawn was just about to knock, when the detective called through the closed door, "Dawn?"

"Yes?" She cracked the door open just enough to peek in.

Olivia had changed out of her jeans and into a pair of pajama pants, but was still wearing her sweater. With a helpless, defeated gesture, she held her sleep-shirt out to Dawn. "Raising my arms over my head hurts like hell."

Without a word, Dawn directed her to sit on the closed toilet and lean forward. She grabbed the hem of the sweater and carefully raised it higher on Olivia's back. With gentle fingers she pushed the fabric over the dressing on Olivia's head, until the sweater fell free on Olivia's front and she could pull it off by its sleeves.

When she reached for the sleep-shirt that she had placed over Olivia's knees, her gaze was directed downward. From the upper edge of the bra that she forced herself not to linger on, a dark bruise extended up to the collarbone. Before she was aware of it, her fingertips touched the swollen, purple skin. The knowledge that a bullet could have pierced the skin she was caressing made her breath catch.

"Um…Dawn?" Olivia's voice was husky, and Dawn suddenly noticed the goose bumps covering the skin on her chest and arms.

Another blush heated her skin as Dawn stilled her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "The bra…um…do you want it on or off?"

Olivia looked up at Dawn. Her dark eyes glowed. "Off, please."

Quickly, before she could lose her composure, Dawn reached around Olivia and un-twisted the clasp. She tried not to watch as the bra straps slipped off strong shoulders, concentrating solely on wrestling the sleep-shirt over Olivia's head. She knew that she was not ready to act out all the sensual images racing through her mind.

When she finally had the detective dressed again, she was as breathless as Olivia. "There. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Bad?" Olivia smirked. "It was torture – and I don't mean the damn bruise. That was not how I imagined the first time you saw me naked."

Dawn leaned back against the sink, letting the porcelain cool her over-heated skin. "Ah, so you imagined that, huh?"

Olivia shot her a glance. "Let's not go into details right now."

"All right. And just for your information: I didn't really look."

"I know. Your parents raised a real gentlewoman." Olivia stood and slipped past Dawn, placing a kiss on her cheek as their bodies lightly brushed against each other in the narrow space in front of the sink. "There should be towels and a toothbrush in the cupboard."

Ten minutes later, Dawn entered the bedroom. She stopped in front of the bed and looked down at it, tugging on the T shirt that hung loose and reached almost to her knees on her smaller frame.

"Cute," Olivia commented from the bed.

Dawn glanced down at the image on the front of the shirt. "I didn't peg you for a 'Finding Nemo'-girl, Detective."

"It was a present from Elliot's twins."

Dawn slipped under the covers that Olivia held up for her. She nestled with the blanket, trying to tuck her bare feet in, and then pounded her pillow into submission.

"You know, you actually have to lie still to fall asleep," Olivia said.

Dawn rolled around and wrapped her arms around the pillow. "I don't want to go to sleep. Not yet."

Olivia flashed a grin at her. "Let's see…what other things are there to do in bed, when you're not alone but with a wildly attractive woman…"

"Talking."

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a one-track mind?" Olivia sat up and leaned against the headboard. "Okay, okay, I know I promised you we would talk about what happened."

Dawn rolled around. She let her head come to rest against Olivia's hip. "So, what did happen?"

"We tried to chase down a murderer, but a witness gave us the wrong address and we knocked on the door of the wrong apartment. The perp must have heard us and panicked. When I turned around, he was right behind me."

Olivia's tone was matter-of-fact, but Dawn could hear the underlying tension. "You shot him?"

"Yes. There was no time for—"

"You don't have to explain." Dawn knew that Olivia was hypersensitive to anything that would make her appear violent and aggressive. Olivia was neither, but sometimes she needed to be reminded of that. "I've heard stories like that hundreds of times. It was a situation of him or you, and I'm glad it was him."

Olivia gave a curt nod.

Dawn interlaced her fingers with Olivia's; their palms pressed together. "Were you scared?"

"No, it all happened too fast. Elliot was panicking more than me." Olivia laughed.

Dawn just looked at her, silently raising an eyebrow.

Olivia sighed. "Okay, so it was a little scary there for a minute while I was lying there, hurting like hell and gasping for breath, not knowing if the bullet had penetrated the vest or not."

"Why didn't you have someone call me?"

"It was pure chaos, nobody thought—"

"Nobody thought I'd want to know that my…my girlfriend had been shot?!" Dawn struggled to sit up without pulling her hand away from Olivia's.

"I wasn't shot; the vest caught it."

Dawn kicked her pillow out of the bed. "Don't get technical with me! Why didn't you call me?"

Olivia stared at the ceiling for a moment, before she sighed and looked back to Dawn. "I didn't want to scare you after all you've been through with your dad and your brother."

"I understand that, and I appreciate that you want to protect me, but…can we make a deal?"

"A deal?" Olivia's fingernails teased the inside of Dawn's wrist, and she squirmed in an attempt not to giggle. "I confess all my sins to you, and you're gonna put in a good word with your boss for me?" She pointed their entwined hands upwards.

Dawn pinched her thigh with her free hand. "I'm a psychologist, not a priest."

"Ah, yes, of course. So, what's the deal?"

"I want you to share yourself with me – and no, this is not a come-on." Dawn watched Olivia's face for any reaction. She was laying down the ground rules for their relationship, and if Olivia didn't accept them…Dawn didn't want to think about the consequences. "I know your job requires emotional distance. I know you have to erect barriers to protect yourself from all the evil you see as a detective. But I need something else from you to make this…to make us work."

Olivia's nod urged her to continue.

"I need to know you – the whole you, not just the parts you allow your colleagues to see. I want to share your pain and your fears as well as the good things in your life."

Olivia closed her second hand around Dawn's fingers. "You already have enough pain and fears of your own; you don't need to carry my burdens, too."

"Yes! Yes, I do." Dawn squeezed as hard as she could. "A relationship can't be a one-way street. I told you I want to be an equal partner for you, don't you understand?" She shook Olivia's hand. "You have to trust me enough to be vulnerable with me. If you can't sleep because some bastard hurt a child, I want to know. If the precinct's coffee maker bit the dust and you had a crappy day, I want to know. If Alex lost a case that meant something to you, I want to know. If you get a paper-cut while writing reports, I want to know. If you need a hug or a kiss or a bowl of chicken broth—"

"You want to know," Olivia provided with a smile.

"Yes, and then I want to be the one to hug you and kiss you and cook chicken soup for you," Dawn added impulsively.

Olivia looked stunned, and then, after a minute of silence, she smiled. "Did you propose to me just now?"

Dawn's lips automatically echoed the smile, but hers was a little sad. "No. I'm not in a position to do that. It wouldn't be fair to you, if I made promises I'm not sure I can keep."

"Promises you can't keep?" Olivia raised herself up on her knees. "What promises are we talking about?"

"I know that your other relationships—"

"I told you I didn't do relationships – at least not successful ones. There's no reason to compare yourself to anything or anyone who has been in my life before. You win, hands down."

Okay. Dawn could see that she would have to be more direct than that. She took a deep breath. "I'm talking about your…our sex life – or the lack thereof." She gestured to their fully clothes bodies that were not touching anywhere but at their fingers.

Olivia's gaze followed the direction Dawn's had taken. "So, you think just because you don't sleep with me at the drop of a hat means that it would be unfair to expect a full commitment on my part?"

For someone who usually avoided all talks about intimacy issues, Olivia had paraphrased her thoughts with amazing accuracy. Dawn nodded.

"I admit it has been a while since I've been invited to a wedding, but did they change the vows in the meantime?" Olivia asked.

"Change the vows?"

"Yeah." Olivia tapped Dawn's foot with her big toe. "You seem to know another version than I do. In my version there's something mentioned about 'in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad, till death do us part'. I don't remember a 'for as long as you don't get migraines and provide me with daily toe-curling sex'."

Hot tears burned behind Dawn's eyes but she refused to let them fall. Her voice was rough with emotion, "Now, did you just propose to me?"

Olivia shrugged. "Well, that depends."

"On?"

"On whether or not you'd say 'yes'."

It was obvious to Dawn that Olivia was trying to sound casual, as if she was just teasing, but the look in her eyes spoke another language – she was unsure about what Dawn's answer would be. Dawn wasn't. In all her life, she had never wanted to say 'yes' to anything with such an intensity. But still… "What about…?"

"What?"

"Well, you know, marriage is traditionally followed by the wedding night…" Dawn studied her over the rim of her glasses.

Olivia shrugged. "I'm not in a rush. Sex is not important."

"Olivia Benson, you're a terrible liar!" They had never spoken about their attitudes towards sex before, but Dawn knew that Olivia had been no wallflower. Her good looks in combination with her commanding presence, and the leather jacket had to be a chick magnet. A passionate woman like Olivia wasn't used to living a celibate life. "Of course sex is important in a new relationship! It's a non-verbal expression of our caring for each other!"

"Okay, it may be important, but it's not the most important thing in our relationship," Olivia said. "I've had enough one-night stands and short-time flings in my life to know that a mature relationship is not about jumping into bed."

This was getting really interesting. Olivia Benson's philosophy about relationships – she had to hear this. "What's it about, then?"

"Ah, you know…"

"Tell me."

Olivia shrugged away her embarrassment. "It's about the little things," she said, echoing something that Dawn had once told her about her relationship with Maggie. The gallery owner hadn't shared her love for the simple things in life. "It's about volunteering to take out the trash on a freezing cold evening. It's about figuring out how to pay the mortgage when money is tight. It's about holding you close after we fight. It's about caring, and respect, and yes, even passion – when the time and the place are right for both of us. There's no hurry; I'm not going anywhere."

Dawn smacked dry lips. "Wow. I didn't know you were such a poet."

"I'm not." Short hair tickled Dawn's cheek when Olivia shook her head. "It's just that I let sex cloud my judgment before, and it always ended up hurting the relationship, so I think a little restraint might actually be a good thing."

More self-restraint? Dawn doubted that it was what Olivia really needed. With a sigh, she repositioned her pillow and settled down. She closed her eyes and listened to Olivia's breathing, hoping that it would lull her into a nightmare-less sleep.

"Dawn?"

She opened her eyes. "Hmm?"

"Do you want me to put you down on the 'notify in case of emergency'-form?" Olivia asked.

There was no doubt in Dawn's mind. "Yes – if it's not going to get you into trouble with anyone in the precinct."

"Trouble?"

"Yeah. It's a pretty big announcement of our relationship, and I'd understand if you—"

Olivia laughed. "Dawn, I think by now even the precinct's cleaning lady knows that I'm involved with a woman. Cops are the worst gossips in the world, present company excluded, of course."

"Of course. In that case, yes, I'd like for you to put me down on the 'notify in case of emergency'-form. I want to be as fully involved in your life as possible." Dawn studied the woman whom she was in bed with.

Intense brown eyes looked steadily back at her. "I want that, too."

Dawn watched Olivia's eyelids droop, and she pressed a kiss to her palm. "Good night, Liv. And thanks for participating in this little sensitive chat."

"Anytime…well, maybe not anytime, but I'll work on it." Olivia turned off the light, throwing the room into darkness. "Night, Dawn."

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

Olivia was on sick leave for the rest of the week, but someone had apparently forgotten to inform her body of that fact. She woke five minutes before her alarm clock would have normally announced the start of a new day. Careful not to rock the mattress too much, she turned to look at her companion.

Dawn was still asleep, lying in a position that reminded Olivia of the psychologist's cat – rolled into a ball, with her head resting more on her arm than on the pillow. The honey-blonde lashes of the one eye that Olivia could see fluttered sometimes in her sleep, but didn't open. Her nose twitched once, perfecting the feline image she presented.

God, how cute is that? Olivia smiled down at the woman in her bed.

Despite the tossing and turning Dawn had done when she had first slipped under the covers, she hadn't moved from her position near the edge of the bed all night. Either she was not a restless sleeper, or she hadn't really relaxed, uncomfortable with Olivia's physical presence so near. Olivia hoped it was the former.

She settled down on her side to watch the sleeping woman. Being tempted to stay in bed a little longer just because she wanted to be near her bed partner was a new and unfamiliar feeling. Normally, Olivia couldn't grab her clothes and run away from her one-night stands fast enough. Even in her longer relationships, she had never been a cuddler, uncomfortable with someone encroaching on her personal space. Now she wanted to draw Dawn into her arms, breathe in her scent and kiss the soft skin of her neck until the gray-green eyes opened. Ironically, Dawn was the one woman she couldn't do that with.

Olivia inched out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. Wrestling the sleep-shirt over her head without the help of her protesting muscles made her feel like a contortionist. Tight tops were taboo for the foreseeable future, she decided when she stepped under the shower. Being able to dress on her own was more important than trying to impress Dawn.

Dawn was still asleep when she returned to the bedroom. Briskly rubbing at her hair with a towel, Olivia tiptoed to the dresser where she had left her watch. "Owww!" Pain shot through the not yet healed laceration on the back of her head. She had forgotten about the wound - until she had pressed the towel against it. "Shit!"

A crash from the bed made Olivia forget her pain. Dawn sat up, rubbing her own head that she had bumped against the headboard. She stared at Olivia with wide, panicked eyes for a second, before she recognized where she was and whom she was with.

"Sorry." Olivia threw the towel across her shoulder and kneeled on the bed. "I didn't want to wake you." Or scare you.

Dawn reassured her with a smile. "It's okay; I would have had to wake up anyway to eat the delicious breakfast you'll make me."

Olivia sat down next to Dawn and stuck her bare feet under the covers. "Does 'Casa Benson' look like a bed-and-breakfast to you? What makes you think I'm gonna cook you breakfast?" She teasingly touched her cold feet to Dawn's warm ones.

"It's only breakfast – not much cooking involved," Dawn said. She paused to tuck a few damp strands from Olivia's forehead. "I'm sure a gentlewoman like you would never think of letting her guest leave without breakfast after spending the night with her, would you?"

"I don't know…" Olivia leaned back, resting her head next to Dawn's. "Seeing as how I'm gravely injured, I thought I'd let you make breakfast for me."

Dawn snorted. "Gravely injured? Didn't you tell me it was just a scratch? But if you insist on having a grave injury, I can help you with that." Raising herself up on her knees, Dawn grabbed a pillow and drew back her arm.

"You wouldn't…!"

"Oh, you think so?" Dawn purred. She raised the pillow even more.

Olivia wriggled back until the headboard stopped her retreat. "You wouldn't dare…"

That had been the wrong think to say. The pillow hit her on her uninjured shoulder.

"Hey!"

Dawn grinned and hit her again.

Olivia directed her most threatening glare at Dawn – without much success. The pillow thumped against her stomach. "Don't force me to—"

"To do what, hmm, Detective?" One corner of the pillow poked Olivia in her chin. "You going to cuff me and read me my rights?" Dawn's eyes twinkled, the challenge in them clear.

Olivia sighed. Dawn wanted to play – and she couldn't. With Elliot or one of her male colleagues, she would have grabbed the second pillow and hit him left and right until he begged for mercy. But in her interaction with women – and especially this woman – she was too conscious of her own strength, too afraid that she would slip and lose control. She was very aware of Dawn's body that was pressed against her own in a gesture of playful intimidation. The too big Dori-and-Nemo-shirt had slipped off her shoulder on one side, and Olivia could feel the heat radiating off the exposed pale skin. A few freckles tempted her to kiss them.

Gritting her teeth, Olivia held back. She couldn't attempt to be playfully aggressive towards Dawn, fearing that roughhousing would ignite her passion and turn into something that would scare Dawn. "I think I'll go and try my hand at making breakfast." She scrambled from the bed.

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

Dawn's hands folded the towel that Olivia had lost, while her mind was busy wondering about her hasty retreat. What's wrong now? She buried her face in the terry-cloth and inhaled Olivia's comforting scent. Something had upset Olivia, but she had not the slightest idea what. After their 'sensitive chat' last night, Olivia had retreated behind her gold shield and the emotional barriers that came with it again.

It wasn't that Olivia was cold and distant; quite the opposite - she was doing well enough as long as it were Dawn's fears, Dawn's emotions, and Dawn's problems they were dealing with. That was her job after all: serving and protecting others. As a detective, Olivia was confident and strong, but Dawn knew that hiding behind the gold shield were just as much vulnerabilities as everyone else had – probably even more.

Now that she was alone in bed, the warm nest around Dawn had lost its appeal. With a sigh, she swung her legs out of bed, slipped into her jeans and padded to the kitchen.

Olivia stood in front of the stove, her back to Dawn, and she took a moment to take in her form. One lean hip was resting against the counter, and the sleeves of her blouse had been pushed up as was her habit, revealing strong forearms. Dawn found her incredibly sexy in her old, worn jeans. For the first time since the rape, she felt an almost physical pull of attraction and was surprised by its strength.

Without allowing herself time to analyze her actions, Dawn crossed the room and hooked her finger into the back pockets of Olivia's jeans to tug her closer. When Olivia resisted, she wrapped both arms around her waist. Her hands brushed away the open blouse and slipped under the T-shirt to feel Olivia's skin. The taut muscles under her hands were vibrating with tension. "What's going on?"

Olivia tried to step away again. "Just waiting for the water to boil. You want tea, right?"

"Later." Dawn reached around her to turn off the stove.

Olivia turned around in Dawn's arms that still held her captive. She said nothing.

"Do we have to have the same conversation over and over again? Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship, Olivia, and I can't do this if you don't trust me and—"

"I do trust you!"

Dawn looked down at her hands that rested on Olivia's hips, and then her gaze wandered to Olivia's arms. They were hanging down like unmovable statues, making no attempt to hug back. Suddenly, Dawn understood: It wasn't her that Olivia didn't trust. She didn't trust herself. Olivia had been holding back and fighting against Dawn's attempts to get her to give up the tight restraint she held herself under. All the times when Olivia had refused to start a snowball fight with her now made sense.

Police work, by its very nature, called for a vast amount of self-restraint. Olivia – and every other cop - had to control herself not to 'accidentally' choke a confession from a lying child molester, and not to shout at a smirking killer who walked out of court as a free man because witnesses were too intimidated to testify. She cautiously channeled her emotions and passions into her job and controlled them 24/7. She rarely allowed herself to let loose, not even a bit, because in her world, there was just black or white, good or bad, control or violence.

"Tell me why you're holding back." Dawn caressed tiny circles on Olivia's bare forearms. The touch made both of them shiver.

For a few seconds, Olivia looked like she wanted to deny it, change the topic or make a joke out of it, but then Dawn felt her sigh, and the shoulders in her grip slumped. "I have to," Olivia whispered.

"Why? Did I—"

"No. This is not about you; it's my problem and my problem alone. You don't have to concern yourself with it."

Dawn held her gaze. She refused to back off. "You were the one that quoted 'through the good times and the bad' to me, remember? There's no such thing as 'your' problem. What are you so afraid of?"

With gentle hands, Olivia broke the embrace and moved back a step. Her dark eyes looked haunted. "There are times that I'm not sure if I'm the right one for you. I don't want you to get hurt."

Dawn had to grip the counter for balance. Did Olivia think about ending their relationship? "Liv, if you invest all your emotions in a relationship and really, really care for another person, you're gonna get hurt sometimes. That's normal."

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not talking about hurting because we fight about your habit of squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end, or because I cancel a date to work overtime."

"What kind of hurt are you talking about then?"

Olivia rubbed her neck; a sign that Dawn had learned meant that emotions were swirling just under the surface. Her voice was hollow when she finally said, "A rape victim and a woman conceived of rape…do you really think that's a healthy relationship, Doctor?"

Dawn tightened her already white-knuckled grip around the edge of the counter. "It's going to be as healthy as we make it. Just because we're victims of—"

"I'm not a victim!"

Dawn stopped to look at her. "Yes, you are," she said. "You're a victim of rape, too – even if you haven't been raped."

Eyeing the front door, Olivia began to pace. "I investigate sex crimes for a living and, yes, my mother was raped, but I'm not a victim of anything!" Her voice was like grinding gravel.

"Oh, you're not?" She blocked Olivia's pacing route and forced her to look into her eyes. "Then why do you have all the typical symptoms, hmm? Guilt, self-blame, anger, shame, fear…" She ticked each word off on her fingers. "…it's all there!"

"Bullshit!" Olivia's body trembled, and her hands were clenched to fists.

Dawn continued nonetheless. She knew she had to get through to Olivia now or she would repeat the same conversation, the same fight about Olivia's reluctance to let her close over and over and over again. "You feel guilty because of what your mother had to go through. You blame yourself for something that you had no control over. You're angry and full of hate against the man who raped your mother. You're ashamed of the way you were conceived. You live in constant fear that you could turn out like your father and hurt other people." Each sentence was like a slap in Olivia's face and made her flinch, but she couldn't stop. "And now tell me, Detective, doesn't that sound like a textbook victim?!"

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. The trembling became a swaying.

Dawn rushed forward and wrapped her arms around her, squeezing until she felt Olivia wince. "I know you would never hurt me purposely. You couldn't," she whispered in her ear.

The body in her arms was stiff. "How could I not?!" The words tumbled roughly from Olivia's lips. "I was conceived in violence! Violence is the sole reason why I even exist!"

"No!" She gripped Olivia's face in both hands and directed her head back. "Look at me and listen: If there is a single reason for your existence, it's love." Dawn realized that they were both deeply afraid: she because of what had happened to her; Olivia because of who she was – or who she feared she might become.

"Love?!" Olivia's snort sounded almost like a sob.

"Love," Dawn repeated with unshakable conviction. "If your mother hadn't loved and wanted you, she would have taken the morning-after pill or had an abortion. She was a strong and caring woman – and so are you. You're nothing like the man who fathered you."

"How can you know that? How can you be sure that there's not something…" Her rough voice trailed off, and she spread her hand over her chest as if to hold back the evil that might lurk there.

Dawn took the tense hand and lifted it away to press a kiss to the warm fabric over Olivia's chest. "I can be sure because I know you. Just look at you: You're standing there, trembling and agonizing over the thought that you might hurt me. Do you think the man who raped your mother gave a single thought to her feelings? You're nothing like him."

Finally, Olivia raised her arms and positioned them around Dawn. She lowered her head to press her cheek against Dawn's. "I think…" Dawn felt her swallow. "I think this relationship might be the healthiest thing that could have happened to me. I swore to myself that I would be there for you and help you through the aftermath of your rape – and now you're the one who's helping me."

"We're helping each other – and that's exactly the kind of relationship I want."

"I want that, too," Olivia whispered.

Dawn hugged her closer, every inch of her body now pressed against Olivia. It was intoxicating – and a little overwhelming. With one final kiss to the collarbone that peeked out from under the blouse and T-shirt combination, she released her. "Can we go back to bed now?"

She dragged the only half-resisting Olivia back into the bedroom and slipped under the covers. When she felt Olivia settle down on the other side of the bed, she turned around, her back to Olivia – or rather the alarm clock behind her. Since she had been raped while staring at the blinking red numbers of her own alarm clock, she couldn't fall asleep facing a clock.

"Dawn?"

Olivia's voice made her open her eyes again. "Yes?"

"You still haven't answered my question from last night, and I know with our laws it's just a technicality, but…if I were to propose, would you accept?"

Instead of an answer, Dawn inched across the bed. She leaned down until she felt Olivia's breath mingle with her own. Olivia's body heat and her intoxicating scent engulfed her. For a moment, she wanted to abandon all reason and throw herself at Olivia, but the fear of experiencing a flashback in the darkness held her back. She carefully pressed her lips to Olivia's, but when Olivia threw her arms around her and returned the kiss, passion threatened to escalate. Dawn drew back with a gasp that was half arousal, half fear.

Olivia withdrew her arms from around Dawn, but kept one hand resting on the small of her back. "Was that a yes or a consolation-kiss?"

With a laugh and one last, small kiss Dawn rolled back to her side of the bed. "It's definitely a yes. And now settle down and let me sleep in or you'll have your first marital fight on your hands."

"All right. Sleep tight, Mrs. Benson."

"Oh, no, no, no! I said yes to your theoretical marriage proposal, not to carrying your name, Detective!" Dawn protested with a nudge to Olivia's uninjured shoulder.

"What's wrong with Benson?"

"Nothing. What's wrong with Kinsley?" Dawn shot back.

Olivia rolled around to stare at the ceiling. "Olivia Kinsley? I don't think so. Dawn Benson, now that has a nice ring to it!"

"Now that I think about it…maybe it was a consolation kiss…"

"Oh, you!" Olivia reached over and began to tickle her.

Dawn was glad that Olivia finally allowed herself to show a little playful aggression, but at the same time, she couldn't stand to be tickled. "Liv!" she squeaked. "Stop if you don't want me to wet the bed!"

Olivia's hands retreated. She snorted. "God, you're really a romantic at heart, aren't you?"

"But of course. Everything for you, Mrs. Kinsley."

Olivia groaned. "Go to sleep, Dawn."

Part 21

SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

SQUAD ROOM

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22

Olivia looked up as Fin entered the squad room. "You've got Marcinowski's LUDs?"

"Yeah." Fin held up a piece of paper. "He had four outgoin' calls from his house on the 18^th."

Munch paused in his two-fingered report typing. "Were any of them to our victim?"

"Nope."

"What about his cell phone?" Olivia asked.

Fin waved a second piece of paper. "Another dead-end. We should pull the LUDs for his kid's cell."

"Hey, Benson!" A uniformed officer called across the squad room. "Did you know that your girlfriend is down at the 5^th?"

A few other officers hooted and whistled at the word 'girlfriend', and Olivia had to shout to be heard over the commotion. "What?! Riley, if that's one of your silly jokes, I swear I'm gonna—"

"No, really! I saw her. She's the small, hot strawberry-blonde, right?"

Olivia nodded, not bothering to reprimand him for calling Dawn 'hot'. "What was she doing at the stationhouse?" Dawn knew that she worked with the 16^th precinct, so she wouldn't search for her at the 5^th. Maybe she was accompanying a client?

"Don't know." The street cop shrugged. "She looked pretty upset, though."

With gritted teeth, Olivia clipped on her shield and gun. "Elliot…"

"It's all right, I'll take care of Marcinowski. Go on." Elliot handed her the car keys.

Ten frantic minutes later, Olivia jogged through the door of the 5^th precinct's stationhouse. Her gaze flew from face to face, until she finally found Dawn, sitting in a plastic chair against one wall of the busy squad room, waiting for someone to take notice of her. Olivia breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that Dawn seemed uninjured. She crossed the room and touched Dawn's shoulder. "Dawn?"

Dawn flinched at the touch, but then relaxed when she recognized Olivia. "Hey, what are you doing here? Aren't you on duty?"

"I came when someone told me you were here. What's going on?"

Dawn's teeth nibbled on her bottom lip. "My car…"

"You were in an accident?" Olivia's gaze flew down the small body again.

"No. When I wanted to go to work this morning, someone had smashed in the window on the passenger side, stole my car radio and destroyed everything that was destroyable…the seats, the seat belts, the indicator switch…he even turned on the light so that the battery would be dead by the time I found the car." Dawn sighed. "It was a mess."

Olivia sat down in the uncomfortable seat next to Dawn. "I'm sorry. I know you love that little sardine tin."

"It's my first car; I've had it for eleven years now. My dad bought it for me."

Now she understood why the tiny car meant so much to Dawn. She reached for Dawn's hand, not caring who saw it. "I'm sorry. Do you think it can be repaired?"

Dawn bit her lip. "I'm not sure. The spare parts are gonna be hard to find, because they don't make the car anymore."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Last time I looked, sex crimes detectives didn't lower themselves to investigate larceny offenses."

Olivia squeezed her hand to get Dawn's attention. "This sex crimes detectives does – if it's an offense against you. So next time, please call me."

Dawn nodded.

"You already spoke to the police?"

"Yes. An officer came to look at the car. He snapped a few photographs, but didn't give me much hope that they'll ever arrest someone." Dawn's voice was full of frustration.

"They didn't leave any evidence?" Olivia asked.

Dawn hesitated for a moment. "The officer said it looked almost…personal. Whoever did it, didn't just steal the radio, he practically went berserk on my car. The officer suggested it might have been someone who has something against me, perhaps the rapist of an ex-patient who I helped to write an impact statement to get him behind bars."

Shit. Olivia fought hard against the anger she felt rising. She could see the effect that being the victim of a hateful crime again had on Dawn, even if she tried to hide it. Just when Dawn had found her inner balance, someone hurt that trust in her personal security again.

An officer appeared to take Dawn's statement against the unknown thief. As soon as he led Dawn to his desk, Olivia snapped her cell phone open and pressed one of her speed dials. "Fin? It's Olivia. Listen, I need you to do me a favor." She stuck a finger into her other ear and listened. "Yes, the 'little doc' is okay. Her car is not, though. Are you still friends with that miracle working mechanic you told me about? Good…yes, exactly. It's 7 Benson Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah, laugh it up! Tell him the costs don't matter; I'll pay whatever it costs to get the car into top condition again. Thanks."

She waited until Dawn returned. "Come on." She led her to the parking lot. "I'll drive you to wherever you want to go."

Dawn stopped in front of Olivia's car. "I'll take a cab. I know you have to work."

"It's okay; I've got enough overtime racked up to take the rest of the year off." Olivia opened the passenger side door for her. "Your chariot awaits, Madame." She waited for Dawn to settle in and closed the door. "Where to? Home?" she asked when she started the car.

Dawn fiddled with the seat belt. "No. I think it's gonna take me a few days to feel comfortable there again. Knowing that someone broke into my car, right in front of my home…it just doesn't feel safe anymore."

"Move in with me." Olivia's eyes widened when her brain realized what her mouth had just offered. Hastily she added, "Just for a few days, until you feel safe again."

Dawn leaned against the door to look at her. "I don't know…what about Kia? I don't know any of my neighbors good enough to trust them with my cat and a key to my apartment."

"Just put her in that transport box she loves so much and take her with you," Olivia said. "She can enjoy a holiday at Casa Benson, too."

"Are you sure that you want a cat in your apartment?"

Olivia wasn't, but she nodded anyway.

"Okay, Detective, you've got yourself two roommates." Dawn shook the hand that wasn't resting on the steering wheel. "I promise that at least one of them won't drink your orange juice straight from the container. You should think about getting a bullet-proof vest for your couch, though."

Olivia groaned.

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23

"Honey, I'm home!"

Dawn almost dropped her book at Olivia's sudden entry. "You're late. Did something happen?" She had started to worry when Olivia hadn't been home on time. God, listen to yourself! It's been one day and you're already calling her apartment 'home'!

"No, I just stopped to buy a few things after work." Olivia lifted the large shopping bag in her hand.

"Take-out?" Dawn guessed. "I thought I could cook something for us…"

"It's not take-out."

"What is it then?" Dawn seized the moment when Olivia leaned down to brush her lips against her own to try and peek into the bag.

Olivia quickly moved back. "You're not curious at all, are you?"

"Me?" Dawn pointed a finger at herself. "No, I just have an investigative mindset."

Olivia chuckled, but still held the bag out of Dawn's reach. "Sorry, it's not for you. You're not the only female in my life, you know."

By now, Dawn felt secure enough in their relationship to laugh about that comment. "Oh, is that a confession, Detective?"

Kia strode in and circled Olivia's legs once, leaving a tuft of hairs behind on her black pair of pants.

"God, is she molting or something?" Olivia inefficiently tried to brush the hairs from her clothes. "Should I have brought something for that, too?"

"Brought? You bought presents for my cat?"

Olivia finally allowed her to open the bag.

Dawn settled down cross-legged on the floor and lifted one thing after another from the bag.

"Just a little something," Olivia said when Dawn had emptied the bag and stared up at her.

"A kitty blanket, a rubber mouse and some other toys, a scratch board, and a dozen different cat snacks…is that a 'little something' in your book?"

Olivia shrugged. "I want her to feel at home in my apartment."

You want me to feel at home, Dawn translated, and I do. "You're a mushball, Detective."

Kia curiously stalked closer to her pile of presents.

Olivia waited with interest to see which toy the cat would prefer.

The feline extended one paw and nudged the pet shop bill that Olivia had crumbled into a ball so Dawn wouldn't see it. A few moments later, she was chasing the paper ball through the apartment, ignoring all the fancy cat toys Olivia had bought.

Dawn had to laugh at Olivia's face.

"Cats." Olivia shook her head.

"Yeah. They never do what you expect or want them to – I like that," Dawn said.

Olivia watched as paper ball and cat disappeared under the couch. "Typical psychologists' pets, huh?"

"Actually, there's this theory that says they're typical lesbians' pets," Dawn said with a smile.

Dark brows rose. "Is that a quantitative theory? The more cats you have, the higher the possibility that you might be gay? I wonder what that says about Judge Petrovsky and her seven cats…"

"She has seven cats?" Dawn couldn't imagine being bossed around by seven feline roommates.

"There's this rumor that says she won them in a poker game," Olivia said.

Dawn chuckled. "New York City's Honorable Judges are betting cats in poker games? Maybe the previous owner is a 'reformed' lesbian?"

"No, Judge Linney is still firmly interested in women." Olivia packed away the cat toys. "He's practically drooling every time Alex walks into his courtroom."

Dawn nudged her with an elbow. "And he's not the only one."

"Me? No, I don't drool over Alex." Olivia shook her head, but then admitted, "Well, I might look a little…just to confirm that she's seriously lacking in comparison to you, of course."

"Has anyone ever told you that lying is a sin?" Dawn seriously doubted that Alex Cabot was lacking in any department.

"I'm not lying; I told you, as far as I'm concerned you don't need to fear any comparison…you're the one I want to be with." Olivia's eyes held no hint of the previous teasing anymore.

The shrill of Olivia's pager interrupted before Dawn could answer. Olivia looked at the display. "Shit. I have to go. I'm sorry…"

Dawn had known from the start that being in a relationship with a cop would mean a lot of interrupted moments and cancelled dates. With a sigh, she wrapped her arms around Olivia in a half-embrace and reattached the gold shield to her belt. "Wake me when you get in."

Olivia hesitated. "It could get really late…"

"I don't care. Wake me."

"Okay." Olivia wrapped her arms around her and leaned down slowly, giving Dawn every opportunity to withdraw.

Not that Dawn wanted to. She slid her arms more firmly around Olivia and pulled her into a deep kiss. She could feel the pulse in Olivia's neck begin to race along with her own.

Only when her cell phone began to ring did Olivia break away. She left small kisses on Dawn's upper and lower lip as she pulled away. As the door closed behind her, Dawn threw her body down onto the couch. "God, I could learn to hate modern technology!"

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25

"Dawn?" Olivia called through the closed bathroom door.

She could hear the shower being shut off, and then Dawn answered, "Yes?"

"Can I come in for a second? Your cat coughed up a hairball, and I need the cleaning rag that I keep in the bathroom." Olivia expected a teasing answer about her emphasis of 'your cat' whenever the litter box or a soiled carpet needed to be cleaned, but was greeted by momentary silence instead.

"Uh…umm…could you wait a minute?" Dawn finally answered. "I'll come out as soon as I'm dressed."

Olivia respectfully stayed in front of the door and tried not to feel hurt. Do you really want to make her uncomfortable just because the cat chucked up all over your carpet? You're not that desperate to see her naked, are you?

The truth was that the sexual tension between them was increasing. Every time she was near Dawn, she had the desire to touch her, to be close to her. She tried to fight the physical attraction and hold back, even if every glance from Dawn made her breath catch and her heart thump. She was determined to let Dawn set the pace, but it was getting harder and harder to stop.

The bathroom door opened, and Dawn stepped out, fully clothed but the top buttons of her blouse were unfastened, and the fabric was clinging to her hastily dried skin.

Olivia snatched the cleaning rag from her hand and went to investigate if cleaning up cat puke had a calming effect on her libido.

It seemed to work. Olivia finally felt calm enough to settle down onto the couch and read through the reports she had brought home from work. A minute later, Kia, Dawn's chocolate- and cream-colored cat, settled down on her lap. Olivia thumbed through the first report one-handed, while her left hand scratched the cat under the chin. Having a feline roommate was not a bad thing at all.

"Ah, ah, ah." Dawn lifted the hissing cat from its place on Olivia's lap and set it down on the cat blanket. "Sorry, Kia, but now it's my turn to cuddle up to her."

Olivia watched with raised eyebrows as Dawn did just that. She curled up in front of Olivia and leaned her side against her body. One of Dawn's hands took charge of the TV remote, while the other slid under the sleeve of Olivia's T-shirt and caressed the skin of her arm and shoulder.

The curious fingertips were driving Olivia crazy, but at the same time, she couldn't find the strength to stop them. The report in her hands slipped lower and lower. "I can't read like this," she attempted a half-hearted protest.

"Is it important that you read it now?" Dawn asked, peering at the report without reading.

Olivia was equally careful not to let graphic reports of rape lie around the apartment, knowing that it could trigger a flashback. "Not really. I'm reviewing it for court on Monday." She set down the report and lightly slipped her arms around Dawn.

Dawn snuggled closer and covered Olivia's arms with her own, drawing them closer around her. "This is nice," she whispered.

"Yeah." Olivia craned her neck to catch a look at Dawn's face. She often wondered if Dawn was as affected by their physical closeness as she was, or if the rape had throttled all sexual impulses she might have had. Was Dawn going through the motions of kissing and cuddling without feeling any real desire?

There were times when Dawn couldn't stand to be touched or have any physical contact. On other days, Dawn searched her out and cuddled so close as if she was desperate to absorb her body heat; sometimes even initiating passionate kisses that were no help in her attempts to hold back. Olivia respected the former and bravely endured the later while keeping a tight rein on her own passion.

She tried to divert herself from Dawn's closeness and her lingering touch by watching the news on TV and had almost succeeded when the fingers that had been resting on her shoulder dipped lower and accidentally brushed against the side of her breast. A wave of heat shot down her body, followed by goose bumps. "Uh…Dawn!" She stilled Dawn's hand with her own.

Dawn's fingers retreated from under the T-shirt and came to rest on Olivia's shoulder as Dawn turned and leaned over her. She playfully touched her nose to Olivia's in an Eskimo kiss.

Olivia's eyes wanted to close as she felt Dawn's breath on her lips, but she forced them to remain open. She held still as Dawn slowly lowered herself. Their lips brushed, and then jerked back for a second before meeting again in a firmer contact. Olivia moaned at the warmth of Dawn's lips and the softness of the breasts that were pressing against her. Her arms lifted without conscious thought and tightened around Dawn. She caressed Dawn's back as she deepened the kiss, careful not to move her hands any lower than the small of her back.

Dawn pressed closer and moaned against Olivia's lips.

Olivia fought desperately not to roll over and press her hips against Dawn's. She struggled to ignore the demands of her rising excitement to let Dawn have this experience. Finally her body felt as if it had reached its boiling point. She drew back with a gasp. "Dawn…please, we've got to stop."

"Hmmm…" Dawn followed her to nibble on her lips. "Why?" Her voice sounded dazed.

"Because you're not ready, and I'm only human."

Dawn squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face against Olivia's shoulder. She was still breathing hard. "Sorry," she mumbled against Olivia's shirt. "I'm sorry. I want to make love to you; I really, really want to, but…"

"No. You've got nothing to be sorry for. There's nothing wrong with just making out, without going any further right now." Olivia tightened her arms around Dawn once more, enjoying the feel of the small body against her own for a few extra seconds before releasing her. "Hey, wanna go on an ice-cream run with me?"

"Ice-cream?"

Olivia's lips formed a trembling grin. "Yeah. It's either that or a cold shower."

Dawn forced her body up from the couch and Olivia. "Ice-cream it is."

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

MONDAY, JANUARY 28

Dawn raced up the stairs, taking two at a time, and slid to a stop in front of Olivia's apartment door. Her fingers, trembling with excitement, fumbled with the key that Olivia had given her for the time she stayed in the apartment.

Finally, the door opened, and Dawn tumbled into the apartment. "Olivia?"

Instead of an answer, rhythmic thumps and muffled groans came from the bedroom.

Dawn reigned in her excitement and went to investigate.

Olivia was in the bedroom, agilely dancing around a punching bag that hung from the ceiling. Chains rattled and leather groaned as she hit it again and again.

Sweatpants, cut off at the knees, and a sleeveless shirt clung to Olivia's sweat-drenched frame. A light sheen of perspiration glistened on well-muscled calves and arms. Her short hair had the tousled look that always made Dawn want to run her fingers through it. The brown eyes were even darker than usual, and the flushed face was wild and concentrated at the same time.

Dawn had never seen anything so primal – and so sexy. Without allowing herself time to think, she crossed the room and wrapped her arms around the swaying bag to stop its movement.

Olivia stumbled as her punch suddenly missed its target. She grabbed the bag for balance and looked up sharply when her bare skin touched Dawn, as if she hadn't been aware of her presence before.

Dawn met the dark eyes. "Hi." Despite Olivia's physical exertion, Dawn was the one who was too breathless to say much more.

"Dawn…" Olivia moved back, the punching bag now between them. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here at the moment, remember?"

"Yeah, but…"

Dawn stepped around the bag and touched one of the gloved hands. Her body demanded closeness, even when Olivia was moving back. "I wanted to get home early to thank the good fairy who waved her magic wand over my car and made it whole again."

Olivia moved back a step and tried to open the boxing gloves with her teeth. "This is not a good time."

Now, up close, Dawn could see the weariness in the detective's eyes. She had vented her rage about something that must have happened at work on the punching bag – and that rage was still there, glowing in the depths of the dark eyes. "I'm not afraid," she said, her voice firm.

Olivia's head jerked up, and their gazes met. "Maybe you should be," she whispered.

Dawn held out her arms. "Come here."

"No." Olivia moved back.

"Come here!"

A few droplets fell from her face as Olivia shook her head. "I don't want to get you all sweaty."

"Maybe I've just been waiting for an opportunity to get all sweaty with you?" Dawn winked at her.

Olivia looked stunned for a second, and then her laughter broke the tension.

Dawn drew the finally unresisting woman into her arms. She felt the boxing gloves gently come to rest on her back and inhaled deeply. For a few seconds, she was tempted to forget all about talking and kiss Olivia senseless instead, but she knew that Olivia needed to talk. "What happened?"

This time, Olivia didn't even try to lie or avoid the topic. "We had to let a child molester walk because the whole family refuses to talk."

"No other witnesses? No evidence?"

Olivia sighed. "Nothing that would hold up in court."

"I'm sorry." Dawn wrapped her arms tighter around the damp body, not caring what the contact did to her elegant pantsuit. Olivia's curves fit perfectly against her own. She only stepped back when she felt Olivia begin to shudder as her bare legs and arms cooled. "Go shower." She gently laid a hand on Olivia's back and led her in the direction of the bathroom.

"I could use a little help," Olivia said over her shoulder.

Dawn's hand fell from her back. "You want me to help you…in the shower?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Doc!" Olivia laughed. "The only things that you get to take off my body are those boxing gloves."

"For now," Dawn interjected with a daring grin.

"My, my, you certainly are in a mood, hmm?"

Dawn smiled. "Finding my 'sardine tin' as good as new, with a big red bow wrapped around it does that to me."

"So, cars are an aphrodisiac for you? And here I thought it was all the bare skin that I'm displaying," Olivia said.

Dawn wrapped her arms around her from behind and kissed a droplet of sweat from her neck. "There's that, too."

Olivia turned in the embrace and gently kissed her. Even her lips tasted salty. Her movements were tired, and her arms hung down as if they were still weighted down by the heavy gloves. Dawn realized that Olivia must have tried to punch the bag into submission for quite a while. Every muscle in her body had to hurt. "Take a shower, and then come to the bedroom."

"I think I'll just crash on the couch tonight."

Dawn grabbed her sweaty arm when she tried to walk away. "No. You're trying to protect me from something that I need no protection from. I can take care of myself – and I can take care of you. So go, take a shower, and then come to the bedroom."

Olivia stared into her eyes for a few seconds, searching for a confirmation that Dawn didn't need her to be in control of herself, that she would be able to hold her own against Olivia's demons. Finally she nodded and closed the bathroom door behind her.

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

MONDAY, JANUARY 28

The apartment lay in silence when Olivia left the bathroom. She felt refreshed, not only from the shower, but also because she finally believed that she could let go of the continuous control that she held herself under. She knew that Dawn would take over if she stumbled.

She padded through the empty living room in search of her temporary roommate. She opened the bedroom door quietly, just in case that Dawn had fallen asleep.

Dawn wasn't sleeping – and suddenly, Olivia was wide-awake, too. Dawn was sitting on the bed, surrounded by flickering candles. She had changed out of her pantsuit and was wearing only the knee-length sleep-shirt that Olivia secretly loved because it frequently slipped from one shoulder. The room smelled of vanilla and sandalwood. A bottle of Olivia's favorite red wine was resting on the bedside table.

Dawn turned back the covers and invitingly patted the bed. "Lie down."

"Uh…what's the meaning of all this?" Olivia asked when she had taken in every lovingly prepared detail. The whole scene resembled the romantic attempts of seduction from her younger days.

"Does it have to mean anything?"

Olivia raised her brows.

"Then maybe it means that I care about you and that I want you to relax for one evening," Dawn suggested, again patting the mattress.

Half relieved and half disappointed that this was not a seduction, Olivia crawled onto the bed. She immediately turned her head to see what Dawn would do.

"Close your eyes and relax," Dawn ordered.

Olivia closed her eyes. She felt the mattress dip as Dawn moved closer and fought against the impulse to open her eyes. Dawn's warmth rested lightly against her side. She held her breath when she felt Dawn lean over her. Long hair trailed over her neck. It took all her self-control not to roll over and capture Dawn's lips in a passionate kiss. Then Dawn's warm hands came to rest on her shoulders and squeezed experimentally. A groan wrenched from Olivia's lips.

"Sounds like you could use a massage," Dawn said. Her hands slipped under the T-shirt and began to knead the muscles of Olivia's shoulders.

Olivia groaned again as her muscles, tense from the day's frustrations and her workout with the punching bag, finally relaxed. "You don't have to pamper me like this. You just came home from work yourself."

Dawn's small, but strong hands began to work on a large knot between Olivia's shoulder blades. "I want to." The fingers moved down on both sides of her spine as low as the opening of Olivia's shirt would let them.

Olivia turned her head to peer up at Dawn. "I can take the shirt off, if it's in the way," she offered softly.

When Dawn nodded, she slipped it over her head and lay back down. The scent of sandalwood filled the air again, and Olivia reopened her eyes to see Dawn pour massage oil into her hands to warm it up. "Hmmm, I get to enjoy the full R & R program…"

Dawn didn't answer, too concentrated on her task. Her hands began kneading Olivia's upper back again, and then traveled over her shoulders. Gentle fingertips slid up her neck and played with the short hair there for a while.

Olivia shuddered when Dawn dragged her nails down her spine. Dawn's fingertips stopped at the small of her back and lightly traced the birthmark that Olivia knew was located there. Dawn took her time, circling every birthmark, every freckle, and every scar. Her fingers splayed over Olivia's back as if measuring its length and breadth.

It occurred to Olivia that Dawn needed this massage just as much as she did. For Dawn, it was an unthreatening way to be physically close to her, to experiment with closeness and touching and to get to know her body without feeling the pressure to go any further. She tried to lie still and take calming breaths, even though Dawn's touches weren't soothing so much as exciting her body.

Dawn's fingers followed the contours of her shoulder blades and brushed, maybe by accident, against the outer curve of one breast, making Olivia gasp. Dawn seemed to be completely unaware of the effect her touch was having on Olivia. Finally, Olivia couldn't take the sweet torture anymore. She raised herself up on her knees and slipped her T-shirt back on. "Your turn." She nodded down at the mattress.

Dawn kneeled on the bed without moving.

"Come on," Olivia encouraged. "I haven't broken anyone's spine yet." She busied herself with the massage oil, making a point of looking away from Dawn as she slipped the sleep-shirt over her head and lay down.

Olivia lowered her hands and rested them on small, but lightly muscled shoulders. She noticed that her fingers were trembling. Carefully she began to smooth the oil into the pale skin, staying well away from the sensitive sides. She kneaded and caressed until she felt the tension ebb from the body under her hands. Dawn's gaze rested on her the whole time, but she didn't tell her to close her eyes, knowing that unexpected touches in the dark often scared her. When she reached the small of her back, she moved further down the bed and lifted one small foot into her lap.

Dawn moaned as she rubbed each toe. Olivia bravely ignored the sensual sound and let her fingers swirl up her instep and past the ankle. She kneaded the strong muscles of her calf with a little more pressure. The massage continued up the leg until she reached the knee. Hyperaware of Dawn's reactions, she felt the slight tensing when her fingers strayed higher. Without comment, Olivia let go of the leg, picked up the other foot and started the same treatment.

When she finally stopped, Dawn half-turned to look up at her with now smoky-gray eyes.

Olivia caressed Dawn's face with a single finger. She leaned in, careful not to touch Dawn's half-naked body, and brushed her lips against Dawn's.

Dawn rolled around and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck to pull her more firmly into the kiss.

Olivia moaned when she felt the naked torso press against her T-shirt clad body. Her hips shifted against Dawn's. Her fingers flexed, fighting against the urge to wander over the bare skin. She let them tangle in the smooth, golden-blonde strands instead. She nibbled on Dawn's lips and when they opened in response, she leaned over Dawn more fully to have a better angle.

Dawn gasped and shifted under her. Her grip on Olivia's shoulders tightened.

It took a few moments for Olivia's passion-clouded mind to notice that those were not signs of desire, but an attempt to stop her. She immediately moved back, breaking the contact between their bodies.

Dawn lay flat on her back. Her breathing came in gasps; Olivia wasn't sure if it was more a sign of arousal or of fear. She looked up at Olivia with wild eyes. "I'm sorry…I just…it…"

"It's okay, it's okay." Olivia rubbed both hands over her face. She closed her eyes to control herself and to give Dawn an opportunity to slip her shirt back on. "Tell me what I did wrong…what can trigger a flashback for you. I need to know, so that I don't accidentally..."

Dawn sank back against the headboard. "I don't know either, Liv. I haven't even thought about sharing physical…sexual intimacy with anyone since the rape, so how would I know?" There was desperation, almost something like anger, in her voice.

"We'll figure it out together." Olivia moved closer and, never taking her gaze from Dawn's face, wrapped her arms around the trembling body. She was relieved to feel Dawn press closer.

"I think…it was…your fingers were in my hair and…"

"You don't like that?"

"I do…I did." Dawn gazed up at her. "I enjoyed what we did…very much so, but I also felt a little out of control and that scared me. And then your fingers in my hair and your body on top of mine…he…Ballard, he grabbed my hair when he forced me to kiss him…"

Olivia bit her lip. It hurt to think that she had triggered memories of the rape in Dawn. "I'll be more careful next time," she said with the solemnity of an oath.

Dawn's arms wrapped around her waist and squeezed. "You're already the gentlest and most patient lover I could wish for."

"And the most talented?" Olivia tried a grin.

She was glad to see Dawn smile. "But of course."

"Want to go to sleep now?"

When Dawn nodded, she reached out an arm and extinguished the candles, even though she knew that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep anytime soon.

APARTMENT OF

OLIVIA BENSON

117 EAST 82ND STREET

MONDAY, JANUARY 28

Someone was in her bedroom.

She tried to turn on the light, but couldn't move. He had her arms pinned to the bed; his body on top of hers held her down. She could feel his breath on her face. Screaming, she tried to dislodge him.

"Dawn! Dawn!"

It was not his voice. Someone else was there, in her bedroom. Help! Dawn struggled again and suddenly, her arms were free and she swung them around.

"Ow! Dawn! Dawn, sweetheart, you're dreaming. C'mon, wake up, it's just a dream."

Dawn shot up. Her eyes flew open. She pressed a hand over her rapidly beating heart and looked around. She wasn't in her bedroom, and Gary Ballard wasn't here. She was with Olivia. She was safe. Dawn shook her head to fight off the remnants of her nightmare.

"Hey…" Olivia's voice was gentle. "Are you all right?"

She took a deep breath. "Yeah, just a nightmare."

Olivia reached out a hand, but hesitated to touch her until Dawn nodded her agreement. Dawn loved her for her intuitive understanding of how difficult it was for her to be touched right now. She closed her eyes when Olivia rubbed half-dried tears from her cheeks. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dawn sighed. "It was just the usual. I dreamed that I was back in my old bedroom and couldn't move because he held me down." She didn't want to go into too much detail, fearing that it would trigger another flashback.

"Shit!" Olivia slapped her own forehead. "I'm sorry; I think that was me."

"What do you mean?"

"I woke up when you started tossing and turning and screaming…I had moved towards your side of the bed and wrapped an arm around you in my sleep – I practically held you down," Olivia said, her eyes guilty.

Dawn shook her head. "No, it's not your fault. I had the same nightmare a hundred times when I slept alone."

"But you haven't had one in a while, have you? Is there something that caused it now?" The dark eyes looked at her with concern.

"Maybe it has something to do with my work. I saw a patient today whose story hit a little too close to home," Dawn confessed.

"You treated a rape victim?" Olivia's brow furrowed. For the first time in her life, it wasn't the victim Olivia thought of first and foremost. "Why didn't someone else take that patient? I thought your colleagues agreed to see all rape and abuse cases?"

Dawn sighed. "Well, it's not like all of them come in and reveal to the secretary that they're here because they were raped. It was a teenage girl whose parents sent her because of her 'behavioral problems'. It wasn't until the eighth session that she trusted me enough to tell me that she was raped."

"Do you plan on refering her to one of your colleagues?"

Dawn appreciated the concern in Olivia's voice, but she shook her head. "I can't do that. It took a lot of trust and courage on her part to tell me. If I refuse to see her again, she might not continue her therapy. I can't destroy all that hard work just because it's hard for me."

"Dawn…"

She touched Olivia's cheek for a second. "Don't worry. I'll talk it over with my supervisor. I really think I can do it. I can help this girl." Dawn didn't just say it for Olivia's sake. Now that she knew exactly what a rape survivor had been through, she could help them on a whole new level.

"Okay," Olivia relented, "you're the expert."

The simple words of trust made Dawn smile.

"Do you want to try and go to sleep again?" Olivia asked.

Dawn knew that there would be no more sleep for her this night. "I think I'll stay up for a while, maybe watch some 'Xena' reruns or something. I'll turn down the volume, don't worry."

"Why don't you stay right here instead? Let's talk for a while, hmm?"

"I don't want to keep you up; you have to work tomorrow," Dawn half-heartedly protested.

Olivia gently pinched her nose. "I've been up all night before. I'm used to it. But maybe you want to be left alone to ogle your Warrior Princess?"

Dawn laughed. "No, thanks, I have my very own warrior, that's enough for me. Or do you want to go and drool over Gabrielle again?"

"I never drooled over that bard," Olivia said. "I have my own drool-worthy strawberry-blonde."

"Drool-worthy, hmm?" Dawn grinned. Hearing how she affected Olivia as a woman was like a healing balm for her battered perception of her own attractiveness. She leaned forward to touch her lips to Olivia's. "Hey, what's that?" Her thumb rubbed lightly over the dark smudge on Olivia's jaw, but jerked back when Olivia flinched. "Is that a bruise?"

Olivia turned her head away so that the light from the bedside-table couldn't reach that side of her face anymore. "It's nothing."

Dawn fluently translated the cop jargon: It hurts like hell, but I don't want you to know. Suddenly she remembered the desperate kicks and punches she had thrown at her nightmare-attacker. She vaguely remembered hitting flesh. "Oh, God! Was that…me?"

"Let's just say that those self-defense classes are starting to pay off. You pack quite a punch, girl." Olivia was grinning proudly.

Dawn was anything but proud though. "I'm so sorry." She reached out to lightly touch the bruise again. "I didn't want to…"

"It's okay, really." Olivia took Dawn's hand off her jaw and pressed a kiss to every single finger. "It's good to see that you know how to hit someone hard enough to hurt."

Dawn still couldn't see anything positive about her hitting Olivia. She slipped out of bed and returned with a Ziploc bag full of ice. "Lie down." She tugged on Olivia's shirt until the detective's head came to rest in her lap. With one hand she held the bag to Olivia's jaw, while the other gently combed through strands of the short hair.

"Hmmm, you can hit me anytime." Olivia closed her eyes with a hedonistic grin; her limbs sprawled across the bed like a puppy that just got its belly rubbed.

"That's not funny."

"Okay, okay." Olivia turned her head to press a kiss to Dawn's knee. "So, what do we talk about?"

Dawn thought about the million things she wanted to know about Olivia. She supposed she would just begin at the beginning. "Tell me about your childhood," she suggested.

The body resting in her lap tensed.

"What were you like in kindergarten?" Dawn quickly added.

"What?" Olivia's laughter broke the tension.

Dawn smoothed a finger over a dark eyebrow. "Come on, don't be shy; tell me! I bet you were cute as hell."

Olivia snorted. "Cute is not the word my kindergarten teachers would have used to describe me. I drove them crazy, always climbing on trees and skinning my knees."

Dawn would have loved to see that. "Do you have photos?"

"No. My mom was never big on family photos."

Silence spread. The shadow of Olivia's father lurked in the room. "Tell me about your mother. What was she like?" She left the question vague enough that Olivia wouldn't feel backed into a corner.

"She was a professor, taught English at college level."

"A teacher? Yes, I can definitely see that in you."

Olivia peered up at her with a skeptical gaze. "Me? Good at teaching?"

Dawn nodded. "I couldn't have asked for a better teacher when you taught me how to wall-climb. And you have the patience of a saint with Jamie."

"My mother was nothing like me. She wasn't into sports at all. She liked languages, and literature, and expensive wine."

Dawn let her fingertips caress the slight dimple in Olivia's chin. She was aware of the things Olivia was not telling her about her mother, but she let it go. "Sounds like a woman I would have liked."

"She would have liked you," Olivia answered.

"Was she aware that you might bring home a woman someday?"

The head resting in her lap shook.

"She wouldn't have been overjoyed to hear that you live in a lesbian relationship, hmm?" Dawn guessed.

"She wouldn't have been overjoyed to hear that I live in a relationship, period. She was very…possessive of me, and totally convinced that I would never find happiness with any of my boyfriends."

Dawn stroked the bitter lines from Olivia's face. "Well, what do you know…she was right after all!"

Olivia smiled up at her.

"How old were you when you learned…about your father?" Dawn lifted the ice-bag from Olivia's jaw so that she could see the emotions playing over her face.

"Seven," Olivia said; her mouth a grim line.

For a moment, Dawn thought she hadn't heard right. "Seven?"

"My mother shouted it after me when she was drunk one night," Olivia explained. "I didn't really understand what exactly it meant until I was older, but I knew that he was a bad man who had done terrible things to my mother." She grimaced. "That did wonders for my self-esteem during puberty."

Dawn bent down to kiss her, knowing that nothing she said could take away the pain of a lonely childhood.

"So, tell me, what kind of trouble did you get into when you were in kindergarten?" Olivia asked when their kiss ended.

By the time the alarm clock went off, Dawn knew all about Olivia's first crush on a woman, about her adventures at the Police Academy, her childhood, and that she couldn't stand green beans. She had told Olivia about the difficult year after her father and brother's death, her short marriage, and her secret – or not so secret - addiction to cookies.

They finally found themselves lingering in bed, reluctant to get up and leave each other, even though they had talked for hours. "I think I'll move back into my apartment today," Dawn said when she sat up. "It's time."

Olivia looked up. She studied Dawn, and then said, "Whatever you want."

Want? Dawn wasn't sure that she ever wanted to spend another minute without Olivia, but she suspected that moving in together at this point of the relationship wouldn't be the best idea. She still had a lot of issues to resolve, and Olivia needed more time to get used to the idea that her independent bachelor life was over.

"Will I see you tonight?" Olivia asked when they both moved out of bed.

Dawn nodded. "We're having dinner with my mom and Del, remember?"

"Oh, right. Spanish Inquisition for the advanced." Olivia gave her a crooked grin.

Dawn swatted the detective's behind. "They're not that bad."

Olivia laughed. "Right."

Part 22

SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

SQUAD ROOM

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Elliot threw a stack of crime-scene photos across his desk and onto hers. "So, what are you doing tonight?" He leaned back in his chair, arms crossed behind his head, to study her.

Olivia spread the photos out on her desk. "Doing? Why do I have to do anything?"

"It's Valentine's Day."

"I repeat: Why do I have to do anything?" Olivia looked up and began to twirl a pen between her fingers. "I never celebrated Valentine's Day."

Elliot leaned forward, folding his hands in a schoolmasterly way. "It's just the thing you do when you're in a committed relationship and want to show her that you care – and you do, don't you?"

Olivia met his curious gaze. She hadn't discussed her relationship with Dawn in detail with any of her colleagues, but she knew that Elliot was aware of her feelings for the psychologist anyway. "Sure I do, but I don't know…buying the obligatory card, chocolate and flowers for Valentine's…that's just so…cheesy."

"It's romantic," Elliot corrected. "At least, that's what Kathy says. So, take my advice and send her flowers or chocolate or something. I haven't been exiled to the couch for a couple of years."

"Dawn doesn't even like chocolate," Olivia protested. She didn't need a silly day to prove to Dawn that she cared for her; she wanted to show her every single day.

"Every woman likes that V-Day stuff," Elliot insisted. "Even Munch ordered flowers for someone."

Munch looked up from his paperwork. "That had nothing to do with Valentine's Day. I always send my divorce lawyer flowers on her birthday – you'll never know when I'll need her again. Don't succumb to the pressures of rampant consumerism, Olivia."

Olivia smirked at Elliot.

Fin returned with a tray full of coffee paper-cups for them. "Hey, Olivia, what're you doin' for Valentine's?"

She rose with a groan and collected the photographs. "I'll run those over to Alex, see if she wants to use them in court." She knew that she could rely on the single, career-oriented A.D.A. not to ask her about her plans for Valentine's Day. She would bet her paycheck that Alex wasn't even aware of the date.

Alex was all business as she thumbed through the crime-scene photos, picking out those that she wanted to present in court. Only when she had seen the last picture did she look up at Olivia. "I haven't seen you all week. Were you busy preparing for Valentine's Day, Detective?"

Olivia groaned. "Not you too!"

Alex sent her a confused gaze.

"Everyone and their brother asked me about my plans for tonight – I don't have any, okay?" Olivia explained with growing irritation.

"Okay," Alex said, "I just thought…"

"What are your plans?" Olivia gave back the question, assuming that Alex would spend the evening working, like she always did right before an important trial started. That would prove her point that not everyone had to have something special planned on Valentine's Day.

Alex laid the photos down. A smile played around her lips. "I have a date."

Olivia groaned. So much for her theory. "Not that used cars salesman again?" She noticed that she felt protective towards Alex, but no longer the jealous envy she had always directed at Alex's dates.

"He's the Vice President of an international car manufacturer, but no, it's not Wayne."

"It's not Judge Linney, is it?"

"Linney?" Alex's eyes widened in disbelief. "Why would you think that?"

Olivia leaned her elbows on the A.D.A.'s desk. "Come on, Counselor, don't tell me you didn't notice how he almost fell from his bench last week because he was too busy staring at your legs!"

Alex directed a confident Cabot smirk at her. "Well, my old law school professor used to say that sometimes, long legs are better than long legal arguments. But, no, I would never go out with a judge."

"So, who's that mystery date of yours? Do I know him?"

"Actually," Alex paused to make sure her office door was closed, "you know her."

The pen that Olivia had been playing with clattered to the floor. "Her?!" she echoed. "You're dating a woman?" She leaned down and picked up the pen, just to have a second to collect herself. Of all the things she had expected Alex to say, this was the last on a list of thousand possibilities.

"Don't tell me you of all people have something against that!" Alex crossed her arms and stared her down.

"No! It's just…" Olivia shook her head to clear it. "I'm surprised as hell. I didn't know you were into dating women."

"Woman, singular," Alex corrected in her precise lawyer tone. "It's a rather recent development and…well…we'll see where it goes."

Olivia still didn't know what to say. All those months of secret admiration and longing glances when she thought Alex wasn't looking – and now she discovered that there was at least a theoretical possibility that Alex could have returned her interest. She wasn't sure she even wanted to know, but found herself asking nonetheless, "You said I know her…your date? It's not Abbie, is it?"

"Carmichael?" Alex laughed. "God, no! She's a really nice woman, but…dating another A.D.A.? Really, really, really bad idea."

"Not an A.D.A. and not a judge – a cop then?"

Alex nodded. Her eyes shone.

"Someone with the sixteenth?"

"No."

Olivia furrowed her brow. "No? Then where do you know her from?"

"Actually…" Alex pointed a finger at her. The smile on her face was softer than Olivia was used to. "…you were the one that introduced us."

"Me?" Olivia couldn't believe it. As far as she knew, she hadn't introduced Alex to any lesbian cops. Except for – She stared at Alex. "You're not dating Lieutenant Vasquez, are you?"

Alex's smile widened.

"God!" Chaotic thoughts were shooting through Olivia's mind. Alex dating a woman was mind-boggling enough, but the thought of her with Dawn's adopted aunt…that would definitely take some getting used to. "Why did it have to be Del Vasquez? This practically makes you my aunt-in-law!"

Alex laughed. Her good mood seemed indestructible. "She's really sweet," she defended.

Olivia arched an eyebrow. "Alex Cabot wants sweet?" She had always imagined that Alex was a woman who would want to be conquered.

"I want sweet, and honest, and reliable, and passionate. Del is all that."

"She's also old enough to be your mother," Olivia cautioned.

Alex rolled her eyes. "Maybe if she'd had me when she was ten. Besides…not that I've ever been in a relationship with one, but maybe I like older women?"

She winked at Olivia, who almost swallowed her tongue. "I'm older than you," she unnecessarily pointed out, and then wanted to slap herself.

"Oh, you don't say? Is that an offer, Detective?" Alex peered at her over the rim of her glasses.

This conversation came a few months too late. At this point of her life, not even Alex Cabot could make her forget about Dawn. "No! I'm happily partnered already, thank you very much."

"Relax, Detective, I'm just teasing you."

Olivia decided that Alex was enjoying this a little too much. "Oh? So you wouldn't have gone out on a date with me?"

"You never asked."

The teasing suddenly turned serious. "Were you waiting for me to ask?"

Alex regarded her with a serious gaze. "No. The only question I've been waiting for since I passed the bar is 'Do you want to run for D.A.?' For the last few years, I took case files and law books to bed, not lovers."

Olivia nodded. Alex had never made a secret of how career-oriented she was. "So, what made you risk all that for a date with a woman?"

"She sent me flowers."

"You agreed to go out with her just because she gave you a bunch of flowers?" Olivia laughed. "Counselor, you're cheap."

"She sent me flowers every day since the trial ended. Every single day," Alex emphasized. "Hand-picked and grown in her own greenhouse."

Olivia whistled. "Since the trial ended? Wow, she must have a pretty big greenhouse…" She hadn't known that Del was a gardener or that she had a romantic streak, but there was one thing she did know and it made her worry about Alex. "Alex, seriously…I don't want to spoil this for you, but…I'm not sure Del is emotionally available. I had the impression that she's a bit in love with Dawn's mother."

Alex didn't react with the concern or outrage that she had expected. The A.D.A. leaned back in her chair, the picture of calmness. Her high-heeled shoes thumped to the floor when she slipped them off. "Del already told me."

"She told you she's in love with another woman?!" Clearly, she had been absent from the world of dating for too long if that was the new way of winning over a woman. She had been convinced that the proud Alex Cabot would never play second fiddle to anyone.

"It's not like that…not really. It's complicated." Alex fidgeted. For the first time since the conversation had started, she looked uncomfortable. "When Del met her, Grace was married to her partner and best friend. She liked her, and she admired the kind of relationship Grace and Jim had, but that was all. After Jim's death, she kind of took over a parental role for Dawn. Del has always wanted to have a big family, but hers didn't take too kindly to her coming out, so she fell into the comfortable role of 'playing house' with Grace. Yes, she said that she was half in love with Grace for a lot of years, but she recently discovered that what she was in love with was really just the idea of having a family, someone she belonged to."

"If she hurts you, I'm gonna kill her," Olivia announced grimly.

Alex reached over to squeeze her arm. "Didn't Del say the same thing about you and Dawn?"

"That's not the same thing."

"Of course not." Alex grinned.

Olivia scowled until the grin dimmed. "So, what are you and your Latin Lover doing for Valentine's Day?"

Alex pointed a sharpened pencil at her. "Refer to her like that again, and I'll let Langan grill you next time you're on the stand. I'll catch up on my beauty sleep while you sweat during his cross-exam."

"All right, all right." Olivia held up her hands. "I better get back to work. Seems I'll have to leave early to plan my Valentine's Day activities. I don't want it told that some old Lieutenant with the 9^th outclassed me in that department." Alex's chuckle followed her to the door. "Bye, Auntie Alex."

APARTMENT OF

DAWN KINSLEY

7 BENSON STREET

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Dawn had slaved in the kitchen for hours, but now she found herself ignoring the delicious food on her plate. The woman at the table across from her took her complete attention. Olivia filled all of her senses: the subtle fragrance of her perfume, the sound of her voice, the candle-light that made her eyes glow, the way her hand lifted the wine glass to sensual lips.

She had never seen Olivia in a dress before, and – while she found her spectacular in faded jeans and her leather jacket – it took her breath away. It was form-fitting, but simple, allowing Dawn to concentrate on the body it covered rather than fashion ornaments.

Olivia was equally busy staring at Dawn's own dress, not eating much even though she had told her three times how delicious everything tasted.

Finally, they carried half-full plates to the kitchen, and Dawn tugged Olivia with her to the couch. She wanted to cuddle up to Olivia, throw her arms around her and a leg over her thighs, but their snug-fitting dresses made that impossible. Suddenly, the sheath Olivia wore became a lot less attractive.

Olivia reached behind her and handed Dawn the gift she had brought. "Happy Valentine's Day."

Dawn chuckled as she looked down at the giant box of her favorite cookies and the various potted herbs that had been missing in her new kitchen. "Herbs?"

"You told me that you were not a big fan of cut flowers," Olivia pointed out.

Dawn nodded. She hated to see them wither and die after just a few days. "Thank you." Her ex-husband and Maggie had never given her anything but generic gifts like roses and chocolate, and she loved Olivia's unconventional, but thoughtful gifts. She leaned over to reward the detective for her creativity. Her hands slid over cool silk, and then touched bare skin that Olivia's dress left free on her back, where they began to wander without conscious thought. She caught a full lower lip between her teeth and deepened the kiss when Olivia's warm hands came to rest on her waist, pulling her closer.

Only the need for air and the vague memory of the gift she still had to give Olivia finally made her break the kiss. Wordlessly she held out the small box.

Brown eyes widened as Olivia took in the jewelry box. Her thumb caressed the velvet. She lifted the lid, but didn't look down. Her gaze searched Dawn's instead.

Dawn smiled. She could see that Olivia half feared, half hoped for the ring that normally lay in that sort of box. She fully intended to buy one for next Valentine's at the latest, but for now…

"A key?" Olivia had finally looked down and now lifted the object from the small box. "You didn't buy me a car, did you?"

Dawn shook her head with a laugh. "Nope, sorry, no car. It's a key to my apartment. It's very close to the courthouse and Police Plaza, so if you don't feel like driving across town during rush hour to your own apartment, I want you to come here, even when I'm at work. Mi casa es su casa." She took a deep breath. "And, maybe in a few months, if you decide that you want to move in, that would be okay with me. Very okay."

Olivia rose and moved to the door.

"W-where are you going?"

Olivia picked up her keys that she had left on a sideboard by the door. "I'm adding your key to my key-chain. The idea of living with you is very okay with me, too." She moved back to the couch and bent down to kiss Dawn. Once again, their tight fitting dresses prevented full body contact. "As stunning as you look in that dress, it's really starting to annoy me."

"Then let's take them off." Dawn rose with sudden determination, grabbed Olivia's hand and led her to her bedroom. She handed Olivia one of her larger T-shirts and chose one for herself.

T-shirts in hand, they stood and looked at each other. Neither of them moved to the bathroom to change. "The zipper," Olivia's voice was a whisper, "is on the back. Can you…?" She turned around.

Dawn stared at the smooth, olive skin. Her fingers rose to trace Olivia's shoulder-blades, then the contours of her spine. She closed her eyes when she felt the heat radiating from Olivia's skin and inhaled deeply. Her lips touched Olivia's neck and wandered downwards. The zipper was momentarily forgotten and only remembered when it hindered her path. With trembling fingers, she moved it down. The dress began to slip, and her lips followed its way down.

"Dawn…," Olivia groaned. It was a warning; an attempt to slow her down.

"No." Dawn was determined not to stop. "I want this. I'm sick of being a rape victim without a normal love life."

"I know, but—"

Dawn shook her head. "Don't try to protect me. I know your intentions are honorable, but protection is not really what I need. Let me make my own decision about whether I'm ready or not."

Olivia turned and looked in her eyes, still holding onto the dress with one hand. "I don't want to scare you." Her voice trembled with barely suppressed emotions.

"You seem to be more frightened than I am." Dawn stepped closer again, drawn to Olivia's heat and scent.

Olivia smiled ruefully. Her intense gaze that still rested on Dawn's face felt almost like a touch. "Stop me anytime you want to, okay?"

Dawn nodded, determined not to stop this time. She watched as Olivia let go of the dress. The strapless sheath hadn't been designed for a bra, so it revealed Olivia to her gaze as it fell.

Olivia stood motionless, unashamed and with a confidence that was as breathtaking for Dawn as her body.

On trembling legs, Dawn crossed the distance between them, eager to touch and taste Olivia's skin.

"I want to see you, too." Olivia's voice was rough, and the hand that directed Dawn to turn around, so she could reach the zipper, was trembling.

Dawn gripped the dresser in front of her when she felt the length of Olivia's half-naked body come to rest against her back. Heat shot through Dawn as hard nipples brushed against her upper back and Olivia's breath washed over her neck. "Olivia," she groaned, desperate to turn around, to see her, and kiss her.

But Olivia was in no hurry to give up her position. She laid her hands over Dawn's, pressing even closer and pinning Dawn against the dresser. Her lips nuzzled the sensitive spot under Dawn's ear, and then trailed upward to capture her earlobe.

"Olivia!" Dawn was trembling, no longer sure how much of it was desire and how much was rising panic. She had known that Olivia would be an intense and passionate lover, that she would unconsciously try to take over and control their love making, and while it usually would be a turn on for her, right now it was beginning to overwhelm her. She needed to see Olivia now, needed to look into her eyes and focus on all the differences between her and the man who had raped her.

Olivia immediately dropped her arms and turned her around. "We don't have to do this."

Dawn had no intention of having this discussion again. She didn't want to talk at all. She crushed her lips to Olivia's, swallowing any further words. When she had to break away to breathe, she leaned up on her tiptoes to nibble on one of the ears she loved so much. The movement pressed Olivia's bare breasts against her and made both of them gasp.

Olivia's low growl sent a shiver down her body. She breathed in Olivia's musky scent and lowered her lips to the hollow at the base of her throat.

"Your dress has to go. Is that okay?" Olivia asked, moving back a little to look into Dawn's eyes.

Dawn nodded without hesitation. She felt warm hands direct the zipper down her back. The sound of the zipper's metal teeth giving way one by one made her hold her breath in nervous anticipation. Olivia's hands followed the falling dress down her body.

The cool night air barely had time to touch her before Olivia's hot skin covered her own. Warm lips trailed down her throat and traced the lacy edge of her bra. "This too?" Olivia's husky voice, her breath on her chest, created a trail of goose bumps.

"Please."

With gentle fingers, Olivia undid the clasp of her bra, and then touched the underside of one breast for a moment. "You're beautiful."

Dawn sucked in a sharp breath.

"Let's move this to the bed." Olivia began to direct her backward.

The dress that pooled forgotten around her feet tightened around her ankles, trapping her for a moment. Without warning, Dawn's vision dimmed and she started to hyperventilate. Suddenly the dress morphed Garett Ballard's hands and feet that were manacling her helpless limbs to the bed. Olivia's breath caressing her cheek became his scratching beard stubbles; her partner's soft skin against her legs turned into the rough fabric of his pants. The smell of beer and smoke seemed to linger in the air.

"Dawn!" She could barely hear Olivia's voice over the roaring in her ears. "Dawn, it's okay. It's only me, Olivia."

With a choked gasp like a diver breaking through the water's surface, Dawn found her way back into the present.

Olivia enclosed her in an embrace that was now trying to be soothing rather than arousing.

"God damn it!" Dawn let her head drop against Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia kissed her on the forehead. "Ssshhh, it's okay."

"No, it's not okay!" She wanted to make love with Olivia. She wanted to lose herself in the passion she felt, but Garett Ballard had taken that away from her.

"Dawn, we have all the time in the world—"

"I don't want time," Dawn grumbled. "I want you. Don't tell me that this isn't driving you crazy, too!" She could feel Olivia tremble with suppressed desire. Passion simmered in the dark eyes.

Olivia sighed. "Come to bed and just let me hold you, okay?"

Dawn trudged across the room and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. This was not how she had planned this evening.

"Hey." The warmth of Olivia's hand on her back reminded her that she was still mostly naked.

Her breath quickened and her body reacted to the touch even though her mind was not yet ready to take the last step. With a sigh, Dawn slipped under the covers. Olivia's skin touched hers, and she forgot her frustration as she started to caress her shoulders, then her collarbone and—

"Dawn!" Olivia took hold of the hand that was just about to touch her breast. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"No." Dawn brushed her lips over the hand that held her own. "I'm trying to love you."

Olivia shook her head. "You're not ready to make love. My poor body just couldn't take it if we had to stop again."

Dawn looked down at her and traced the forced half-grin on Olivia's lips with her fingertips. "Just because my body refuses to be touched right now doesn't mean that I can't make love to you."

Olivia tightened her grip on the hand that strained to touch her. "Oh, no. This is not about physical satisfaction. I want to make love with you and give you the same pleasure you give me."

"You do. It would please me very much to make love to you," Dawn insisted. "I want to share this with you as much as I'm able to right now. You don't help me by being a martyr. Please, let me have this." She knew that Olivia had never liked giving up control to someone else and let her partner direct their lovemaking, so she just looked into her eyes without further attempts to convince her, prepared to accept her decision whatever it might be.

Olivia exhaled. "All right. Consider me your willing sex slave." She sprawled her arms and legs to both sides, injecting some much needed humor into a situation that was weighted down by fears and frustrations.

With trembling limbs, Dawn lingered over her, bracing herself with her hands on either side of Olivia.

Olivia raised both hands to caress her face, then laid them on Dawn's hips and gently tugged her down.

Dawn gasped when their nearly naked bodies pressed together all along their lengths; belly to belly, thigh to thigh, breast to breast. Olivia's skin burned against her own. Dawn closed her eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with sensation. When she opened them again, she looked directly into Olivia's darkened eyes. Never breaking eye contact, she began to trace the contours of Olivia's face.

Olivia lay still as Dawn's fingertips explored arched eyebrows and well-defined cheekbones.

Leaning down, Dawn stifled a gasp when the soft skin of Olivia's breasts brushed over her own. Heat raced up and down her body. She pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek. She watched as dark lashes fluttered when she teased them with her breath, and then moved down to kiss the faint laugh lines around full lips.

When she trailed kisses downward, eager to press her lips to the firm jaw line, Olivia arched forward and drew her into a deep kiss. Dawn collapsed bonelessly onto Olivia, and let the heat and softness envelope her. Only when Olivia shifted under her and began to roll over did she draw back. She pressed one hand against Olivia's chest, gently pushing her back down. "Patience, patience."

Olivia groaned, but flopped back down onto her back.

Dawn kneeled over her, slowly lowering herself. She let her hair trail over Olivia's chest as she nibbled on a tempting earlobe. Feeling Olivia shiver under her sent an answering rush of goose bumps down her body. She rained soft kisses across the arch of her collarbones and down her neck. Olivia's pulse pounded under her lips.

Her fingertips traced the necklace around Olivia's neck, and she gently kissed the good luck charm resting on her chest, the metal cool against her lips before they returned to the heat of Olivia's skin. Nuzzling the soft spot at the base of her throat, Dawn inhaled Olivia's scent deeply. "Hmm, I love the way you smell."

A husky moan escaped Olivia's throat as Dawn grazed her teeth over her neck and sucked lightly on her skin. "God…" Olivia lifted her head to gaze down at Dawn, and then let it drop back on the pillow. "You're going to drive me crazy."

Dawn smiled. Discovering that she had this kind of power over Olivia, that she could be the cause of that much excitement and pleasure for her partner was intoxicating. It made her almost drunk with power and gave her back the sense of control Garett Ballard had taken from her.

She kissed the slope of Olivia's breast just over her heart. The skin under her lips was salty and trembled with the thudding beat of Olivia's heart. Cradling one breast in her palm, she bent down to kiss it.

Olivia's arms around her tightened, but resisted the urge to draw her back to her breast as Dawn continued her path down Olivia's body. She caressed the defined muscles of Olivia's abdomen with her lips, stopping to tease her navel. Olivia's hips twitched restlessly as Dawn smoothed her hand down the flat belly. Her fingers stopped when they encountered the fabric of Olivia's panties. "Let me take these off," she said in a voice she almost didn't recognize as her own.

The muscles of Olivia's thighs stretched under her as Olivia lifted her hips, allowing Dawn to push the panties down long legs.

"Yours too?" Olivia asked hoarsely.

Dawn nestled her body between Olivia's thighs. "Not yet," she mumbled before her mouth was back on Olivia's skin.

Olivia gasped as she pressed closer. She was panting, clearly struggling not to take control of their lovemaking. One strong hand clutched Dawn to her; the other grasped twisted sheets to anchor herself as her hips surged against Dawn. "Dawn!" She moaned against Dawn's lips. Her skin was flushed and covered in a light sheen of perspiration. "This will be over in two seconds if you don't slow down!"

Dawn had wanted to take her time; had wanted to slowly explore every inch of Olivia's body, but Olivia's legs tightening around her thigh and the pressure that began to grow in her own belly urged her on. "Don't hold back," she whispered, staring into brown eyes burning with passion. "I love how you react to my touch." With trembling fingers, she caressed a trim waist, trailed over the gentle curve of Olivia's hip and down to the hollow where her abdomen met her thigh. Her fingertips danced over the soft skin on the inside of her thighs. Muscles quivered and twitched under her touch. She pressed her face against Olivia's neck and closed her eyes as she stroked across her clit with one gentle finger.

"Dawn!" Olivia sucked in a sharp breath. Her head lolled to the side, giving Dawn's wandering lips more access to her neck.

Warm fingers splayed across Dawn's lower back, drawing their bodies even closer. Fingernails raked over her back. Olivia's movements grew more frantic, and Dawn felt her body answering, surging against Olivia's, while her fingers began to move faster. Hot breath washed over her cheek as Olivia panted against her.

Olivia's hips rose and fell under Dawn's exploring fingers. Her eyes fluttered shut.

"Look at me! Look at me, Olivia," Dawn urged. She needed that contact, needed Olivia to be fully present and with her until the very last second.

Heavy-lidded eyes opened immediately. Their gazes locked, and their mouths collided in desperate passion as Dawn slid two fingers inside Olivia.

Olivia's legs began to tremble, and with another thrust from Dawn, they stiffened. Her hips arched off the bed, and she wrapped her arm tighter around Dawn to keep her close against her body, while her other hand clenched around the sheet. When Dawn's thumb brushed against her clit, Olivia broke the kiss with a gasp and threw her head back, the fine muscles in her neck tensing. Her mouth opened to a silent cry. She stopped breathing. Her body stiffened and shuddered, then collapsed back onto the pillows.

Dawn stilled her hand and curled into Olivia's side, resting her cheek against her sweat-dampened chest to listen to the pounding of her heart. She touched her lips to Olivia's. "Thank you."

"You're thanking me?" Olivia rasped. "It's me who—"

Dawn interrupted her with another kiss. "No. You did this for me. You trusted me enough to make yourself vulnerable, and gave me full control, even though that's not what you'd normally do. So, thank you. It may not have been let's-tear-each-other's-clothes-off-and-break-the-bed sex, but—"

Olivia lifted her head. "Who says it wasn't?"

Giving her an embarrassed grin, Dawn shrugged. "I know that it wasn't what you're used to…"

"Maybe not, but that's not a bad thing. It may have been out of my comfort zone with anyone else, but I trust you enough to give up control." Olivia's arms pulled her even closer. "Do you want to…?" She raised her eyebrows, still out of breath.

"No." Dawn brushed her thumb over Olivia's deep red, swollen lips. Making love to Olivia hadn't left her unaffected, but she didn't want to spoil this wonderful experience by trying for too much. She reached down and drew the crumpled sheet over them both.

"Are you sure?" Olivia entwined their fingers and rested them against her still quivering belly. "I feel a little selfish—"

"Selfish? God no, that was the most beautiful gift that I've ever gotten for Valentine's!"

Olivia nuzzled her throat. "Hmm, me too. Happy Valentine's Day, Dawn."

"Happy Valentine's." Dawn buried deeper into the embrace and closed her eyes.

APARTMENT OF

DAWN KINSLEY

7 BENSON STREET

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Dawn blinked and opened her eyes. It was still dark in the apartment, and for a few moments, she wasn't sure what had woken her. She searched for her glasses and discovered that she still had two hours before she had to get up. Then she shifted a little and felt soft skin brush against her thigh.

Olivia was cuddled up behind her, one arm providing Dawn with a pillow while her other hand rested just an inch under her breast. Their legs were entwined. By now, Dawn was familiar with Olivia's presence in her bed, but this intimate skin-on-skin contact was new and made her breath quicken.

Her mind presented her with snapshots of Olivia, her head thrown back in ecstasy, trembling in her arms. She licked suddenly dry lips and shifted in Olivia's embrace, gasping when Olivia's thigh, entwined with her own, pressed against her.

"Mmhm?" Olivia's arms clutched her even closer as she woke. She turned on the light and blinked for a few seconds. "Dawn? You okay?" She turned Dawn around, so she could see her face.

Dawn suppressed another gasp when their bare torsos pressed together. "Yeah," she answered shakily.

"Sure?" Olivia cupped her cheek. "You sound a little breathless…You didn't have a nightmare, did you?"

Dawn closed her eyes when Olivia's caressing fingers traced the rim of her sensitive ear. "No nightmare," she assured her. "If I sound breathless, it's entirely your fault."

"My fault?…oh!" Olivia grinned when she suddenly understood. Her grin dimmed and was replaced with a look of concern. "I could get up and put on a sleep-shirt, if this makes you uncomfortable," she offered.

"Or you could stay in bed and help me undress," Dawn suggested, even when a voice in the back of her head whispered What if I can't do this?

Olivia studied her. She knew Dawn well enough to detect the mixture of desire and fear in her gray-green eyes. Her first impulse was to assure her once again that they had all the time in the world and should wait, but she understood that the right to consent, to tell her yes or no, was Dawn's alone. Only she could decide if she was ready or not. "Okay." She swallowed. "Keep talking to me; tell me if I'm going too fast or if you want to stop."

Dawn nodded.

Slowly, not wanting to startle her partner, Olivia reached out to remove the silver-rimmed glasses, but Dawn stopped her with a quick touch. "Leave them on. I need to see you."

Olivia moved back a little and suppressed the urge to undress the smaller woman. She knew that Dawn needed to do this at her own pace. She waited until Dawn had slipped off her underwear, still covered by the sheet, and drew her closer again.

Both of them sighed when skin touched skin. Dawn's gentle curves fit perfectly against Olivia's taller, leaner form.

Dawn instantly began to kiss her, and Olivia closed her eyes to control her emotions and let Dawn set the pace. She was scared to go too fast, but Dawn's display of eager passion made it hard to hold back. She smoothed her hands over tousled blond strands, careful not to pull on them, and studied the vague red highlights in the light of the bedside lamp. Keeping her eyes on Dawn's face, she trailed a path of kisses and light nips down her throat. She caressed each and every one of the freckles that dusted Dawn's pale shoulders until the sheet that covered Dawn stopped her. "Is it okay if I take that away?" She looked up at Dawn. "I want to see you."

Dawn threw the covers back. Her naked body fidgeted under Olivia's gaze.

Olivia breathed a kiss onto her chest, just over her left breast. "You're so beautiful."

"I like your body better." Dawn critically eyed her own body. "You have that really defined, flat abdomen, and I—"

"You're beautiful, exactly like you are," Olivia insisted and caressed the soft, womanly curve of Dawn's stomach. She looked up at her with a challenging grin. "Now, do you want to continue this discussion about our different aesthetical standards or do you want to make love?"

Dawn grinned. "Make love."

"Very good. Right answer." Leaning over Dawn on one elbow, Olivia bent down and pressed her lips to Dawn's collarbone, then continued down her sternum. Simultaneously, her fingers followed the arch of Dawn's ribs inward, until they came to rest along the curve of her breasts. Olivia slowly lowered herself.

Dawn shuddered and moaned when warm breath teased her nipple.

Olivia nipped on the outer curve of one breast, playfully kissing away the goosebumps. After a few seconds, she lifted her head and locked eyes with Dawn, searching for any sign of distress. "Is this okay?"

"Oh, I think it'll do," Dawn answered breathlessly. She tangled her fingers in Olivia's hair, drawing her back down.

Olivia's chuckle ended when her lips touched the soft skin of Dawn's breast. Never had she felt so connected to anyone. "Hmm…nice." She kissed in smaller and smaller circles, until she lightly captured a nipple between her lips and grazed it with the tip of her tongue.

"God…Olivia!" Dawn gasped. Her fingers clutched Olivia's hair, and her chest was heaving under Olivia's cheek.

"Mmh, I love touching you." With one last kiss to the hardened nipple, Olivia continued her path downward. She nuzzled the damp skin between Dawn's breasts, and then planted kisses down her sternum, tasting the saltiness of her skin with gentle flicks of her tongue. She paused to tease Dawn's navel and pressed her cheek against the slight curve of her belly for a moment. The fingers in her hair were alternately stroking and flexing.

Olivia stroked down the outside of Dawn's thighs as she moved lower. With her lips, she caressed the almost microscopic hairs just under her partner's navel, and then followed them downward.

Dawn moaned, this time sounding a little overwhelmed.

Olivia hastily looked up when the body under her hands and lips stiffened. "Is this too fast? Should I stop?"

Looking down into Olivia's anxious eyes, Dawn tried to catch her breath. "No, no…I'm sorry. It was just a little…overwhelming for a second." She willingly let herself be held when Olivia scrambled up the bed. She took a deep breath, trying to catch up with the onslaught of sensations and emotions. "I felt like I was going to explode or something."

"I thought that was our goal?" Olivia quipped.

Dawn laughed and kissed her lover, keeping her eyes open to re-establish their connection. The feeling of Olivia's smooth skin sliding against her own soon made her forget her momentary trace of panic. She squirmed when Olivia's tongue flickered over the crook of her elbow, and then traced imaginary patterns down to her pulse point. Their gazes met when Olivia kissed each knuckle. Gentle teeth captured her index finger, and Dawn couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. She settled back onto the bed and gave herself over to Olivia's touches. Only when she felt open mouthed kisses wander up her thigh, did she reach out a hand to stop her. "No."

Olivia froze instantly. The gaze that flew up to look into Dawn's face almost reminded Dawn of a kicked puppy.

"Not this time." Dawn entwined their fingers and drew Olivia up to rest next to her. "This time, I need you up here with me. I want to look into your eyes and know that this is you, you and me, making love."

Brown eyes intently gazed into Dawn's. "Help me," Olivia said, her voice rough.

"What?"

"Help me to make love to you," Olivia explained. "Show me how you want to be touched."

Dawn stared at her. "Believe me, you don't need any help. You did a fantastic job all on your own."

"I don't doubt my skills as a lover," Olivia said with her famous Benson grin, buffing her nails on an imaginary shirt. "I just think that it'll be easier for you to let go if you can control what happens."

Dawn took a deep breath. "Okay then. I just didn't want you to get an inferiority complex."

Olivia kissed her with grinning lips. "No danger of that." She lifted their entwined fingers. "So, give me a tour, please."

"All right. No stops to take photos without my permission, though." A lot more relaxed now, Dawn took the larger hand in her own and placed it on her breast. "First stop, enjoy your stay," she said huskily.

Olivia's fingers began to move under hers. "Hmmm, nice view."

Dawn gazed down, too, studying the contrast of Olivia's olive-skinned hand against her own pale skin. "Uh-huh." Stiffling a moan, she closed her fingers over Olivia's and pressed them harder against her.

Olivia didn't try to hurry her along; she seemed content to explore first one, then the other breast under Dawn's direction.

The double sensation of feeling Olivia's strong, but gentle hand move under her fingers and gliding over her skin made her entire body tingle. Being able to direct the attention of a woman as intense and confident as Olivia was intoxicating. Dawn was panting when she guided their linked hands down her body.

Olivia's fingertips drew a sensual line from her breastbone to her navel, gently circling it until Dawn shuddered. "Where to now?" she whispered, her breath washing hot over Dawn's ear.

This time, Dawn had to struggle and catch her breath to formulate an answer fitting their road trip analogy. Thinking and talking were no longer a priority. "I think our trip's destination lies southwards."

Olivia kissed her, gazing into her eyes from just a few inches away. "Lead the way, sweetheart."

She felt Olivia's free arm wrap securely around her as she eased their hands down her belly. Heat followed the combined touch, until their hands came to rest on Dawn's hip.

"Still all right?" Olivia asked, her lips almost touching Dawn's. Her thumb drew circles over Dawn's hipbone.

With a nod, Dawn guided Olivia's hand down the outside of her thigh. She shuddered when the cool metal of the only ring that Olivia wore brushed against her knee.

Olivia's hand stopped and squeezed her knee reassuringly.

Maintaining eye contact, Dawn trailed their fingers up the inside of her thigh. She was gasping for breath, her vision was becoming hazy, and she almost couldn't hear Olivia's soothing voice because her heart pounded loudly in her ears. For a second, she almost mistook the symptoms of arousal for those of fear and panic threatened to rise.

"Easy." Olivia kissed the glimmer of panic away. "It's me – Olivia - you're sharing this journey with. I won't touch you anywhere until you tell me to."

Dawn pulled her closer, pressing their upper bodies together with the strength of her embrace. She breathed in Olivia's unmistakable scent as she brought their hands back to the inside of her thigh, slowly moving them up. When Olivia's fingers hesitated under hers, she guided them the rest of the way.

Dawn jerked and sucked in a shaky breath when two of Olivia's fingers combed through damp curls, sliding on either side of her clit.

Olivia kept her strokes light, never breaking eye contact as she circled Dawn's clit with a feather-light touch.

Staring into eyes that had gotten so dark that the pupils almost blended with the surrounding irises, Dawn started to rock her hips. Her hand moved away from Olivia's and slid back to rest on her forearm, where she contented herself with feeling the muscles flex with each movement. Warmth flooded her body, matching the heat she felt radiating from Olivia. Drops of sweat pooled behind her knees and ran down the back of her calves. She could already feel the pressure in her stomach built and her legs starting to tremble.

"Does that feel good?" Olivia's eyes searched her face.

Dawn moaned her answer. Her hips surged against Olivia in a faster rhythm. Her eyes never leaving Olivia's face, she closed her fingers tightly around her forearm, guiding her again.

"Dawn…" Olivia hesitated, the muscles under Dawn's hand tense. "Are you sure you want me to—?"

"Yes." Dawn gasped. "I want you…there. Only you."

Cautiously, Olivia dipped one of her fingers inside of Dawn, and then paused to watch her face. "All right?"

Dawn exhaled slowly. "Yeah." She clutched Olivia's neck and pulled her down into an urgent kiss, moaning into Olivia's mouth when she felt her finger slide deeper into her. "Liv!"

A ball of hot tension began to build in her belly, spreading in all directions, making her breath catch, until lights exploded behind her now closed eyelids. Every muscle in her body stiffened and then went limp. She slumped against Olivia, trusting the strong arms around her to keep her safe.

Olivia curled her body protectively around her, holding her close with one arm while her hand caressed flushed cheeks.

Dawn gradually became aware of soothing words that were whispered in her ear and a hand that stroked down the length of her back as aftershocks rippled through her. She lay quietly, clinging to Olivia and listening to the urgent pounding of her lover's heart until she could breathe again. Finally, she lifted her head a few inches from Olivia's shoulder. Their gazes met and locked, silently sharing their emotions. "God, Olivia, I…" She buried her face into the crook of Olivia's neck, snuggling deeper into her embrace. Emotions burned behind her eyes, and suddenly, she had to press her lips to Olivia's skin to hold back a sob.

"Hey, hey!" Olivia wrapped both arms around shaking shoulders and pulled her up to look into her eyes. "You okay? Did I hurt—"

"No!" Dawn dried her eyes. "Of course you didn't. It's just…I never thought that I would have this…feel this again."

Olivia's brown eyes looked up at her in understanding. Her lips curled into a soft smile. "I never thought that I would have something like this, too."

Dawn touched the smiling lips with one reverent finger. "Somehow, I find that hard to believe. You're so…good at this. The way you made me feel…God!"

"Thanks." For a second, a teasing self-satisfied smile flitted across Olivia's face, but then her expression grew serious. "What I'm used to and what I've always been good at is having sex – making love is a new experience for me, too."

They had always called it 'making love' when they had talked about the physical part of their relationship, mainly because 'having sex' had seemed much too clinical, too neutral an expression for something that was so emotional for Dawn after her rape. But now, Dawn could sense a deeper meaning behind Olivia's words. She stared into brown eyes. "You mean…?"

Olivia nodded.

Dawn restlessly played with the short hairs in Olivia's neck. "Can you…tell me?"

The muscles in Olivia's throat moved as she swallowed. "I love you."

Dawn closed her eyes for a second. She hadn't known how much hearing the words meant to her until Olivia had spoken them. Wordlessly, she dipped her head and set out to kiss Olivia breathless. When they finally drew apart and she could focus her eyes again, she looked into Olivia's eyes. "In case there are any doubts left – I love you, too."

They snuggled down together, never breaking eye contact until their eyes fluttered close.

An hour later the buzzing of the alarm clock woke Dawn. She reached out for Olivia, only to find the other side of the bed cold. Sitting up, she clutched the sheet to her naked body and looked around with tired eyes for her missing partner. Olivia was nowhere to be seen. God, have I been so out of it that I didn't hear her leave?

Then she heard the sound of clanging plates and metal scraping over metal from the kitchen, followed by a crash and a curse. Smiling, she swung her legs out of bed to join her lover and rescue their kitchen utensils from further abuse, when the door opened.

"Hey, you're supposed to be in bed!" Olivia balanced a tray with coffee, toast, bacon, and eggs, settling down on the edge of the bed.

Dawn chuckled and slipped back under the covers. "One night and already all you can think about is to keep me in bed? Damn, I must be good!"

"You are." Olivia handed her a single red rose.

"Oh. Thank you." Dawn lifted it to her nose and breathed in its scent. Her nose twitched as it detected something else that didn't smell nearly as pleasant as the flower. She turned over the piece of toast. The unbuttered side was almost black.

"Well…" Olivia leaned over the tray to kiss her. "You can't have everything."

Dawn closed her eyes as their lips met. I don't know – I think I have.

The End

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