DISCLAIMER: I don't own CSI, nor do I own the song that has been used in this story, it's by James Blunt; Tears and Rain from the album Back to Bedlam.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Song is Faith Hill's 'Cry'. Not mine, neither are the characters, except for Catherine's mystery lover ..
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
WARNING: Self- hurting and darkness.
Cry Just A Little
By Missy Holland
Right now, he's probably buying her a cocktail. I push the front door open, wanting to loosen up and not think right now. Right now she's probably saying 'I'm drunk' and he thinks he's getting lucky tonight. And he doesn't know. I carve her name upon the wall of lovers I can't have. Right now he's probably carrying her to his pretty little tuned up four-wheel drive telling her to sleep. I stumble in the dark to my dresser and get the bottle of whiskey out. One smooth motion lets the liquid burn its way into my throat, straight to my heart. Right now she's probably in his car, sleeping and he'll be watching her. I somehow make my way to the bedroom and toss the almost empty bottle away. She's a slut, a whore! She shouldn't be with him. She can get better!
If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope, maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
No! I can't think of her like that, she's an angel undercover. She's the best thing in the world! She's not a slut, nor a whore.
I punch my hand into my head board before collapsing on the bed. How could I've thought that? What has happened to me? Has she bewitched me? Am I under her spell? Why can't I get her out of my head? Why do I feel the fury when she's with someone else? I pull my knees up to my chest as I lay down.
The comforter is cold and soft against my flushed face and balled fists. I shut my eyes as tight as I can, tightening all my muscles so I'm a little ball. Ready to explode. Why does this have to happen to me? I've never liked her, hell I've never liked women before! Why does she have to come and mess me up even more? She makes me feel sick when I just have to realise that she's out with someone.
That she's having breakfast with him, laughing with him, when they have their bodies flush together and do their little dance! I get sick of the though of them together, having sex and cuddling afterwards. Why couldn't she come to me? Why did she have to go to him? When I was here for her, ready to catch her if she'd fall! Where have all the men gone I used to love? Can't they see that I'm in pain here? Isn't there someone who can get my thoughts of off her? Late at night when I toss and turn, laying wide awake and beat myself up over lost chances, I just want to get it all over with, I don't want to suffer anymore.
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
From the moment I met her for the first, I was blown away, she's strong and beautiful with a set of brains I could never beat. But when she made clear we had nothing in common I just gave up. But when she met that guy, I was so mad I went straight home and smashed several glasses and plates against the wall before sinking down and crying my eyes out, without knowing why I did that, or why she meant so much to me. I never felt something for a woman, let alone for her! I hated her for making me feel like that. I hated her for making me want her.
I hated her for making me love her
But time passed and he went away as well. I got my hopes back, and she became more cheerful. But we fought and fought and one day it happened all over again, I came to see her and apologize, but when she opened the door I heard a male voice I knew so well, asking who was there. I just stood there, staring at her and my eyes watering. She couldn't see what was behind my tears and I went home again, heartbroken and without any hope. Nothing I could do and from then on I got depressed. She was everywhere. It seemed as if we were always together, like she wanted me to see how happy she was, and how bad I felt. She was around, playing nice, but I went home very night, crying in my car because I knew she'd be going to him. I couldn't tell her but I couldn't keep quiet either.
If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pot of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
I cut myself for the first time that night. I was trying to maintain at least some sort of health and was cutting some vegetables when the knife slipped. The shallow cut in my finger made me forget about the pain in my heart. Instead it concentrated on the pain in my finger. I was mesmerized by how I could forget so easily. I stared at the knife, at my blood and that was the solution. That was the way I could get her out of my system. Slowly the knife grazed my under arm, not piercing the skin yet, waiting for my signal to forget. I felt powerful, on top of the world, when I slid the blade into my arm. All I felt was the sting in my arm, not the acid that had been burning in my heart. For a month I kept going, sometimes even seeking her out when she was with him, just so I had an excuse to cut and forget. I've been hurt before, so I knew how to cut without leaving scars. Only one scar is to be found on my arm. One circular motion from when I caught them kissing. I went home and cut a loop around my arm, too deep to leave no scar.
But someone saw it.
Only one person in my little world saw what I was doing to myself, and didn't try to stop me. They let me twist in my own vicious circle, and I was sliding down fast. I received a letter not to long ago, telling me that I should stop, that my scar had been seen, and that I'd be reported to Ecklie if I continued like this. I hate myself, I can't even keep my misery to myself. No, I had to go and let my guards down. Not that SHE noticed, she probable wouldn't if it was right in her face. I love her and I showed it to her. I couldn't get through so I deserve to be punished.
I'll give it up baby
I hear your goodbye
Nothing's gonna save me
I can see it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darling give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
That's why I'm drunk right now. I'm drunk and I'm crying again. I feel like I'm not worthy to be with her right now, but I want her so badly. I want to kiss her, hold her, chase her monsters away. I want to touch her, I want to see her crave for me. I want to love her. I want to make love to her. I want so much, but I can't have it. I need her. What has she done to me? How can I hate her with everything I am, still love her like she's all I'd need. Like she's my food and water, like she's every single person in the world, and yet the only one I can see? What has she done to me? Why can't I get over her? She's taken, but my heart still craves for her, now more than ever. I can't tell her, I'll lose everything. But I can't live without her any longer. I've had my chance and could it be too late?? I won't give in, I won't show mercy, she can't play with my heart anymore. I let her slip away. I shake as thoughts cross my mind, not knowing what to do anymore.
She has taken over my soul and my mind, and my heart is craving for her as well.
I jump off the bed, head spinning and turn my bedside radio on. I cry out and start do move along with the music of my favourite rock station. I jump around, dance, yell, scold, cry and turn around and around and around .starts appear in my eyes and my head starts to pound. I throw myself against the cool orange walls of my bedroom, my head just missing the solid hardwood floor as I bounce against it, only to end up on my back, looking at my ceiling. I feel something trickle down my arm and watch lazily as my shoulder seems to be scratched and bleeding. With one finger I catch a droop of blood and I look at it in the light of dawn. Without thinking I just let it fall on my dress.
I slowly get up whilst swaying of all the whiskey. I stumble around to find my car keys. I drag my feet as I find my way to the car. I get in with tears still flowing out of my eyes. I don't care whether this is a good idea, I just want to do something dangerous right now. I don't want to sit and cry all fucking night! The walls of the car seem to close me in, like they want to share my mood. I sob and moan and let my head sink down on the steering wheel. She's everywhere, she's even in my car, sitting next to me and comforting me. But she seems different, her hair is longer than I thought it was. And she seems younger too.. What is happening? Did I get hallucinating too? She's pretty, but she's not Catherine. I don't care I just want to forget and leave Vegas and forget everything, I don't want to remember. I lay my head back down and close my eyes .
And could you cry a little
Die just a little
and baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
I am on my way to check on Sara as I see her front door open. First I am exited, thinking she might have had fun tonight, gone for a drink, but when I see her swaying back and forth with a not so steady pace, I realize she's drunk. Very drunk.
I slowly park my car and walk towards Sara who's now trying to get into her car. She's only wearing a summer dress, a white one with faded flowers and a beet red drop of blood on the fabric. I can hear something and when I get closer I realize that she's crying and the words I hear are moans that form someone's name. She has managed to get into the car, but there she doesn't get far. She lets her head rest on the wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. Even though it's also the alcohol, I can see that there's something wrong. Cautiously I circle around the car so I can get in and sit next to her. She's crying, and she's so desperate my heart turns inside of me. I softly close in and put an arm around her, whispering soft words of comfort and I try not to get her hurt. She is confused and looks up to me, and when I look into her eyes I can see who she's crying for. Why did she let it get so far? Why couldn't she control her emotions? I feel so sorry for her, for not being there. I could've helped her, but she didn't let me in. I saw the single scar she left, but I'd seen her way before that. I offered help, help she didn't take. I tried to tell her she had gone too far, but she wouldn't listen back then. But now she's ready to talk and listen.
I won't back away from her now, she needs someone to get her back into reality again. She rests her head again and closes her eyes .
I'll help her to get over this, you bet I will.
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