DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

By ralst


"Hello? Am I in the right place?"

Claire Washburn looked up at the hovering newcomer, a rather attractive blonde with a gun on her hip and sad desperation in her eyes, and beamed her warmest welcome. "If you're a woman in search of a little femslash action, you most certainly are."

Olivia Dunham had jumped between universes, chased monsters and eaten worms, but looking into the room she realised that nothing had quite prepared her for the Disenfranchised Femslash Action Group. "Perhaps I should come back another time."

"There's no time like the present," said Helen Magnus, who had strolled up casually, after her own perusal of the group's newest recruit. "Why don't you come in and tell us a little about yourself."

"I don't think..." Olivia backed away from the door and would have made her escape if she hadn't been distracted by the sudden appearance of Helen's cleavage. "My name's Olivia and I'm an FBI agent." She turned to see the twinkle of interest in Claire's eyes and swooned a little more. "I also fight monsters and conspiracies, and haven't had a girlfriend in over a season."

"That's nothing," said Lisbon, pushing her way to the front of the group, and giving Olivia her third full-body scan of the hour. "Scully had to wait seven or eight seasons before she got any serious action."

"Eight seasons?" What little colour there was drained from Olivia's face. "I can't wait eight seasons."

The other women nodded in understanding. "So, what's the problem, you look slashable enough to me," said Claire, who would have willingly walked over into crossover land for a piece of that action. "Are there no other women in your world?"

"No, there are other women, but one doesn't get to leave the lab, one is old enough to be my mother and the other IS my sister." She pouted. "I think both universes hate me."

Helen shrugged. "At least you never dated Jack the Ripper."

"Or had to sit by while all your friends, and every bit players to grace the screen, got more action than a hooker on pay day, while you were stuck in the morgue," added Claire.


The three turned towards Lisbon. "What?"

"Spill," Claire instructed.

"Okay, at least you've never thrown every sultry look you could think of at your luscious, redheaded colleague, and had not a single person pick up on the fact and let you finally get some." She looked around, still half-hoping Van Pelt would make a meeting. "The nearest I've come is being paired with a man named Jane."

The room fell silent as each woman mulled over that little titbit.

"So, what can we do about it?" asked Olivia.

"Crossovers," said Claire.

"New regular or recurring characters," said Helen.

"Tighter shirts," said Lisbon.

Olivia gave the matter some thought. "I've heard about this unit, out of Washington, called the BAU, that I'm sure we'd need to consult at some point in time, and there's this new agent, very pretty, who showed up a couple of episodes ago, and I think she's coming back." She looked at Lisbon. "I tried parading around in a wet sports-bra, but Astrid still didn't jump me, so I don't think a wardrobe change will help."

Three pairs of glazed eyes looked back at her, and Olivia suddenly knew what the rats in Walter's laboratory felt like. "Thank you for the help, ladies." She inched away from the door. "It was lovely meeting you." She checked to make sure her gun was still sitting snugly in its holster. "We must do this again sometime."

Before any of the women could make a - decidedly risqué, in Lisbon's case - suggestion, Olivia had vanished.

"Great! That's another one you've scared off!" fumed Claire, her finger pointing dangerously in Lisbon's direction. "Haven't you heard of subtlety?"

"Subtlety? That from the woman who tried to tie the last new recruit to a table and perform a cavity search."

"Ladies, ladies!" Helen forced the two women apart. "Arguing amongst ourselves is pointless." She looked off in the direction Olivia had disappeared. "Especially when a beautiful blonde is only minutes ahead of us and if we hurry we can catch up with her and lure her back to the club."

Lisbon and Claire exchanged a look of agreement, before bounding after Helen and chasing off after their latest recruit.

The End

Return to Spoofs

Return to Main Page