DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are
property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was inspired by an OT discussion on the OliviaAlex list.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Damn Legislature!
By ralst
Olivia looked down at the sheet of paper, a perplex expression clouding her face as she took in the fuzzy pictures. Somehow she'd never expected Alex to be the sort who handed out memos on butt plugs and rampant rabbits.
"As you can see from the memo," Alex began, "the New York legislature has decided to adopt the Georgia model of prohibition on immoral objects."
"Immoral objects?" Olivia wasn't sure what was immoral about nipple-rings, unless you counted that time she got hers caught on a hangar in Bloomingdale's. "Is this a joke?"
"Unfortunately not." Alex removed her glasses and attempted to wipe the weariness from her eyes. "And it's only the beginning."
"The beginning?" Olivia noticed they'd also put a ban on whipped cream from a can and spreading chocolate. "How much further could they take this?"
Alex hesitated, but she knew she couldn't keep the full horror of the regulations from her friend. "They're trying to pass a law that will limit the number of acceptable sexual positions to two," she sighed, "the missionary and... doggy style."
"Morrison?"
Alex nodded. "Apparently he insisted."
Olivia slumped down into the nearest chair. "What about, you know, oral?"
"Punishable by two years imprisonment, unless performed on a male member for court certified medical reasons." Alex sat on the arm of Olivia's chair. "Peterson's idea."
"Don't tell me, he's court certified?"
"Something to do with his prostate," Alex agreed, absentmindedly twirling her fingers in Olivia's hair. "There's also a total ban on multiple orgasms."
"What!"
"Ninety percent of the legislature thought they were a myth but the other ten percent persuaded them that they should be included." Alex's hand migrated from Olivia's hair to her neck, gently massaging the pliant flesh. "Suffice it to say, not a single one of those ten percent had experienced one personally."
"Naturally." Olivia relaxed into the massage, her face instinctively turning into Alex's body. The feel of an erect nipple brushing her cheek prompting another question. "Foreplay?"
"Yes, definitely," Alex purred.
Olivia sat up straight, the barest glimmer of a smile etching her face. "You mean they've let us keep the foreplay?"
"Oh, you mean..." Alex fought against her blush. "No, sorry, all forms of foreplay are strictly prohibited."
"All of them?"
"Uh huh," Alex pulled Olivia back into her embrace, "no hugging," then began a slow caress of her back, "no stroking," before her hand changed position and began unbuttoning the detective's blouse, "and definitely no fondling of breasts."
"Oh my!"
As Alex's fingers wandered, Olivia crumpled up the memo, her last coherent thought one of retribution against the morons that were trying to mess with her fun...erm, civil rights. Those bozos wouldn't know what hit them.
The End