DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.
SPOILER: Set in and around the events of "Divide & Conquer". Mentions of "The First Commandment".
Divide & Conquer
Who do you love?
By Celievamp
They had taken Martouf from her. Sam rubbed her tear-damp cheeks with the back of her hand. Jack was saying something to her but she could not concentrate on his words. They slipped past each other. Something in her lack of focus must have alerted him. Suddenly Janet was by her side, shouting for a gurney. Sam realised that she was trembling as if she was cold, boneshakingly cold. This was worse than the Antarctic, worse than being dead.
Jack lifted her onto the gurney and covered her with a blanket. "She's in shock," she heard Janet say. "Hardly surprising if you consider what she's been through the last couple of days and the amount of sedative she still has in her system." Someone slipped an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. Sam let herself drift away.
She woke up in the Infirmary. No great surprise there. SG1 did not have their own beds – yet – but Janet kept threatening it, for Daniel anyway. He ended up in here way too often, but he also seemed to have more lives than the average cat. A pity the same could not be said for Martouf.
She had never asked him how old he was. He had let slip that Martouf/Lantash and Roshna/Jolinar had been together for nearly a century. And she had brought it to an end.
"Hey, Carter." He spoke softly, so he must have sneaked in past Janet and her ever vigilant staff.
"Sir," she replied.
"How are you feeling?"
"Peachy," she snorted and turned away from him. "If you don't mind I really would prefer to be alone for a bit."
"Okay. Just don't beat yourself up to much about Marty, okay? He begged you to end it for him. And you had the guts and the heart to do it."
"I remember having this conversation with you before, sir; when we went after Jonas. He begged me to kill him and I could not do it. You told me to be proud of myself – that I wasn't a killer. Well, I am now."
"Carter… Sam, it's been a shit of a day. We've all been put through the mill what with the zatarc retesting and you nearly doing a Sleeping Beauty and then both of us doing the getting in touch with our emotions gig and then the thing with Marty. Look, I'll stop by again, later. But you did what had to be done, Sam. That's the only way you can look at it and live with yourself. Take it from one who knows." She felt his hand rest briefly on her shoulder and then he was gone.
Sam closed her eyes, tried to sleep but images kept reappearing. Being restrained in the chair as Anise looked at her as if she was some lab rat – which in effect she had been – the strap across her forehead that had scared her more than anything, the memory scanner implanted in her temple. Having to relive over and over again the moment when she realised that Jack O'Neill really did love her. The realization that she could not let him die for an emotional attachment that she did not share.
"I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter… because I care about her a lot more than I'm supposed to."
Well, as a declaration of love it left a lot to be desired. But since any kind of declaration of love from Jack O'Neill was SO beyond what she needed in her life right now Sam supposed she should be glad he was as taciturn as ever.
And then he had to stand and listen to her say that she knew that O'Neill would never leave because he loved her. But she wanted him to go because she didn't love him. She cared for him as a comrade, as a brother, but she did not, could never return his love.
And then that bitch Anise had to rub the salt in and ask the question. "Who do you love, Major Carter?"
The light was still red. She had to answer truthfully. Janet was standing next to Teal'c, a little behind Jack. She nodded, smiled encouragement. It was okay to tell. Whatever the consequences for them both it was better than Sam being condemned as a zatarc.
"I love Janet Fraiser." As the words left her mouth she saw Jack's face fall as if he had been gut punched. And the light on the zatarc machine turned blue.
Janet wanted to do nothing more than to take Sam home and hold her tight and never let her go. She had been through so much in the last couple of days. She would need careful handling for the next few days at least. Samantha Carter could be as emotional as the next person – but only ever on her terms. She was intensely private individual and Janet knew how much the revelations of her heart would have cost her today. And to cope with Martouf's death on top of everything else.
She knew O'Neill had slipped in to the Infirmary to see Sam a few hours earlier. She only hoped that he had not made matters worse. God knows he must be hurting as well. He had not stopped by her office to see her, which was unusual. Under what laughingly passed for normal circumstances in this place he would have been at her with questions about his team's condition within minutes of his entry into the Infirmary. There was going to have to be a lot of fence building.
All parties involved had agreed to leave it in the room. Even Anise. Though that might have had something to do with the revelation that it was open season on Jack O'Neill. The Tokra had been quite open about her attraction to the man.
Sam was curled up on her side under the blankets. Janet let her fingers touch the soft bright hair that curled around her neck. "Sam?"
The young woman shifted, opened overbright eyes to stare at her. "Hey. How are you doing?" Her voice was flat, inflectionless.
"Better than you, by the look of it," Janet replied, letting her free hand gentle Sam's pale cheek. "By rights I should keep you in overnight for observation, but I think you'd be better off at home." She dropped the change of clothes on the bed beside Sam's feet. "Get changed. As soon as you're ready, I'll sign you out and we'll go home."
Sam nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Janet leant over and softly kissed her brow knowing that any more than that just now would send Sam over the edge emotionally. After all, she knew the truth now, from the depths of Sam's own psyche. Sam Carter loved Janet Fraiser. All Janet had to do was let Sam know that that love was returned, tenfold. "We can talk or not talk, whatever you want for as long as you want, Sam. I just want you to feel safe. And to know that I love you too."
Sam looked at her and Janet's heart lifted for in her eyes, as blue as the clear zatarc light, beyond the fear and the grief, there was hope.
The End
Sequel Divide & Conquer 2