DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, Showtime haven't returned my emails begging to buy the characters off them. But we could have so much fun!
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILERS: For season one.

Dear Tina 2
By tigerDE

Dear Bette,

I read your letter. Well, at first I threw it in the bin, because I recognised your handwriting on the envelope. But a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream later I got it back out, and read it.

I'm glad you've realised how much influence your upbringing has had on you. I tried to make you see it before, and so has Kit, but you needed to see it for yourself. And I'm glad that you're starting to let people in, because it's a lonely world when you're by yourself.

You can't be perfect Bette, I never asked you to be. And, as for emotionless – that's the last thing I'd ever want. But you seem to have discovered that for yourself, and I'm proud of you.

I don't hate you. I could never hate you. But right now I am so angry. I gave you seven years of my life, I gave you my heart, my soul, my trust, and you betrayed me. You took away my pride and feeling of self-worth. It's a constant battle to keep images of you and her out of my mind, and its emotionally and physically draining.

But however angry I am at you, I am at least ten times angrier at myself. Because, despite it all, I still love you. And I hate it.

I find myself wondering what you're doing and where you are. I worry that you're not eating right, or that you're not getting enough sleep, or that you're over working. I hunger for your touch at the end of the day, and I hate it. I hate myself for being so weak.

I can't see you yet. I'm scared that I will just give in and come back, because I don't think I'm strong enough to resist you. Even though I know that if I did forgive you I would lose all my remaining dignity, I still don't think that I could refuse if you asked me.

If you want to save our relationship, we have to move forward. If we don't progress, then it will just be the same cycle over and over again. I have to find respect for myself first. I want to be Tina Kennard again, not 'Bette Porter's wife.'

I'm going to start work again, that should help. I've got a job back at my old place, but for a lot more money. I'll have a lot more creative freedom to do what I want, and I'm really excited about it. I hope you'll be pleased for me.

I'm going to rent my own apartment too. Me and Alice went to look at some yesterday, and there was a really nice one, couple of blocks from Dana. It's small, but it's got a study and a balcony, and it's nice. I'll be taking some money out of our account for rent and utilities.

I'm not going to throw away seven years of my life. When we stood up and said our vows in front of our friends I meant them, and I know you meant them too. I just need some time apart to get myself sorted out. Then we can work on us.

Don't call on Thursday, I'll call you. Oh, and say hi to Kit for me.



P.S. Don't be mad at Alice for not telling you about our apartment hunting – I asked her not to tell you. I thought it would be easier for you to hear it from me.

The End

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