DISCLAIMER: Rizzoli & Isles and its characters are the property of Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT television network. I wish they weren't, but oh well.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you haven't heard yet, The Second Sister is being published. It's in copyediting limbo right now, but you can get excited for me anyway!
SPOILERS: VERY SMALL spoilers for season 1 finale. Part of the 'Denial' universe, but no spoilers for that storyline.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To raedmagdon[at]yahoo.com
Don't You Know
By Rae D. Magdon
"Does it ever bother you? Being with another woman?"
It was a confusing question, one that didn't have any easy answers.
"Sometimes it bothers me, yeah," Jane admitted as she toweled off her hair, using the fabric to hide her face as she spoke. She didn't want to look couldn't look. She was afraid of what she would find in Maura's face. "I mean, I've spent most of my life being called a dyke and everything, so finding out that it's true stings."
On the one hand, Maura couldn't understand why Jane would still be upset about this, about naming what their relationship meant, after all these months as a couple. On the other hand, she knew how cruel humans could be. As the naked detective continued drying off from her cold shower (cold showers were a habit that Maura was determined to break her lover of sooner rather than later. She wanted to be able to join Jane in the shower as often as possible), Maura let her eyes trace the streaky scars along Jane's back. Every time the ME looked at them, her breath caught slightly. The bullet's exit wound was perilously close to Jane's spine...
Feeling Maura's eyes on her, Jane finished drying her hair and tossed the used, damp towel onto the floor. Maura clicked her tongue in rebuke, bending down to pick up the towel and tossing it back into Jane's arms. "You know better than that. Now, what were you saying?"
"I don't know," Jane said, tossing the towel into the hamper and giving her lover a nice view of her naked behind. Knowing that Maura wanted her, having such a beautiful woman looking at her with lust, helped rebuild her confidence enough to continue. "I've always been one of the guys, you know? But I was still a girl. I never fit in with either group. I felt isolated..."
Overcome by the sudden urge to touch Jane's skin, Maura pulled closer to her lover, wrapping her arms around the taller woman and holding her tight. "I understand. I spent most of my childhood feeling isolated, too."
Enjoying Maura's closeness but definitely not enjoying their current conversation, Jane tried to slide her hands under the hem of Maura's sleep shirt, humming with pleasure as her palms met bare skin. Maura made a soft sound of approval in the back of her own throat before pulling away. "Is it really so bad?" the blonde continued, taking in the sight of Jane's bare form as she ran her own hands up and down the outside of her detective's arms.
"Is what really so bad?"
"Being with me?"
The flash of hurt in Jane's eyes was both painful and reassuring to Maura. "Of course it's not bad. It's wonderful! Maur, being with you it's the best thing that I've ever had. I just don't like all the other baggage that comes along with dating another woman. That has nothing to do with you."
Sensing that Maura was still unsure, Jane cupped her hands beneath the doctor's chin, brushing over the points of her cheeks with both thumbs, moving in small circles. "Hey... I promise. It's the rest of the world with the problem, not you."
"Do you really believe that?" Maura's eyes were glistening slightly, and Jane knew that she needed to tread carefully not just for Maura's sake, but also for hers. She felt like she was balancing on a tightrope, arms flailing around, trying to steady herself before she tipped past the point of no return.
"I used to think I had a problem because I thought too much like a guy, felt too much like a guy... caught somewhere in between." She hesitated. Maura waited. Jane let her hands slide down Maura's throat and caress her shoulders, exploring her collarbone above the hem of her tank top. "Sometimes I still think that."
"Jane..." Maura couldn't keep the hint of longing from her voice. The tips of her breasts strained against the cotton of her shirt, causing Jane to give her a crooked smile. "Jane," she tried again, hoping her voice wouldn't break, "we're all different. Society tells us that some personality traits and feelings are... more masculine, perhaps. But that doesn't mean you can't have those traits and feelings as well. In fact, maybe you should learn to enjoy them."
"Hmm?" Jane asked, distracted by the sight of Maura's excited breasts. She wanted to see them uncovered. Wanted to take the hard points between her lips...
The medical examiner could tell exactly where Jane's focus was, but she didn't stop. "You should try to enjoy who you are, Jane. All of yourself. Enjoy the parts that are masculine, the parts that are feminine, and the parts that are just Jane. Just enjoy it." She reached out and settled her hands around Jane's bare waist, pulling their pelvises closer as she whispered, "I know I do."
Jane was taken aback by how quickly she reacted to Maura's touch, how much her body ached to be closer to the blonde in any way possible. Instinctively, Jane pushed forward, guiding the shorter woman back towards the bed until she felt Maura's knees hit the side of the mattress. Maybe the ME was right she just needed to relax and enjoy herself. All of herself. And there was no better person to enjoy herself with than Maura.
"Maura," Jane said brokenly, trying to explain as they both settled onto the bed, "I"
Maura silenced her with a kiss. It was their first kiss, and it was slow and warm and sweet, mouths opening to each other in gentle understanding. When the need to breathe finally forced their lips apart, Maura prevented Jane from continuing her thought. "You don't need to explain anything to me. Just love me."
That understanding was all the encouragement Jane needed. Suddenly realizing that she was naked while Maura was still clothed in her sleep shirt and panties, the detective hurried to even the score, tugging at the hem of Maura's tank top. This time, Maura allowed her to pull the garment over her head and toss it somewhere out of the way. Jane started to caress Maura's hips, pressing short, quick kisses to her lips and chin as her hands slowly crawled upwards to cup Maura's breasts in both hands.
Wanting to look into the eyes of the woman who was making her feel so many amazing things, Maura pulled back slightly from Jane's kisses. She was unsatisfied with what she saw. Even as Jane tried to distract her by pinching the tip of her breast and twisting, Maura noticed the small line of concentration and worry that creased the detective's forehead and the tight set of her jaw.
"Mmhmm?" Thinking she had been too rough with Maura's nipples, Jane immediately removed her hands, looking at the blonde with concern. "Did I"
"No, you didn't do anything wrong... but I can't tell you're not with me. What are you thinking about?"
Sometimes, Jane hated that Maura knew her so well.
"Do you ever miss being with men?"
The question, although not entirely unexpected, still made Maura feel a little hurt. "Have I ever given you any reason to think that?" she asked. Her voice was sad rather than angry or accusatory.
Maura leaned in and brushed a kiss against the soft skin of Jane's cheek. "When we make love, it's just us. Everything I feel, I feel because of you. I can't recapture that experience with anyone else, man, woman, or well... anything in between."
The medical examiner was pleased when she felt Jane's body relax on top of hers, allowing her to take more of the detective's weight. "That's a girl," she murmured soothingly, combing her fingers through her lover's thick brown hair, content to take things slowly. But Jane had other plans. Maura's soft, tender touches and reassurances were having a strong effect on her, and even though she didn't always have the words to tell Maura how much she cared, Jane knew that there were other ways to show her.
Jane kissed her lover again, this time deeper, her lips gliding against Maura's with well-practiced familiarity. Even after several months, kissing her still felt new and exciting to the detective, although there was a sense of familiarity and comfort as well.
"Is this okay?" Jane asked in a low, strained voice as she reached for Maura's panties again, groaning aloud as her fingers found them soaked through with wetness. Not even bothering to take them off yet, she started a soft, gentle circular motion over the fabric, pleased when Maura's hips bucked in appreciation.
Maura let out a whimper of approval at the new stimulation, pleased that Jane seemed to have gotten over her temporary bout of insecurity. "Ummm... more than okay." Jane guided Maura further up the mattress until the ME was reclining against their pillows, staring up at her with bright green eyes. Jane wanted to watch, to see every flutter and twitch of Maura's facial muscles as she touched her.
When Jane's hand finally slipped underneath the elastic of her underwear to graze through swollen, wet flesh, the deep moan that escaped from Maura's throat nearly made Jane lose control. She braced herself with her arms, trying to steady both of them as she forced herself to abandon Maura's deliciously sensitive inner folds and strip her completely.
As the detective settled back into position, she looked up to see Maura smiling at her, and the sight took her breath away. Maybe Maura was right. Wouldn't everything be easier if she just let go and enjoyed herself...?
Taking advantage of Jane's distraction, Maura tangled their legs together and used the momentum to flip her over. Jane let out a shout of surprise, but she grinned and pinched the back of Maura's thigh when she realized that the smaller woman had gotten the best of her. "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Hmmm. You're a detective," Maura said, nuzzling Jane's throat and placing a line of kisses down her chest, pausing to tweak a sensitive nipple to hardness. "You figure it out."
"Shh... I want to show you something."
For the next several minutes, Maura lavished attention on Jane's body, kissing the insides of her wrists, rubbing her shoulders and sides, outlining each rib. She found the spots that were ticklish, the sore places, and the sensitive spots that made Jane quiver beneath her. "Just what are you trying... to show me...?" Jane panted, the first words either of them had spoken in a while. The sounds of heavy breathing, soft sighs, and kisses had taken their place.
"That I think you're wonderful," Maura tried to explain. She rubbed up and down Jane's inner thighs, never letting her hands glide quite high enough. "That I appreciate all of you." Jane gasped as a hot tongue traced the outline of her navel and dragged down. "I just want to make you see what I see, and feel what I feel when I look at you," she murmured into the detective's skin. "You're so beautiful..."
Before Jane could offer any kind of disagreement, Maura parted her legs and leaned in close, making her freeze, anticipating the first contact. She closed her eyes, all too aware of Maura's intimate examination. Then, a soft sigh, and the feeling of a kiss on each of her outer lips before Maura's tongue spread them apart.
Suddenly, Jane understood. This was what Maura had been trying to tell her. She was so worried about labels, about not being good enough for anyone society, her family, Maura she had lost sight of what she had in this very moment. A beautiful woman who loved her. A beautiful woman who loved her, and was currently doing wonderful things between her legs.
If this was what 'being a lesbian' really meant, the rest of the world could go to hell as far as Jane was concerned. It was amazing.
That thought made her laugh, partially in amusement and partially in relief, but the laughter broke into a sob, then a deep groan. All of her hidden emotions and worries seemed to melt away under the sure strokes of Maura's tongue.
Feeling Jane's body shift as she hit her emotional release, Maura set about driving her lover toward a physical release as well. It was a relief to see Jane so unguarded, the medical examiner thought as she dragged her tongue through her lover's folds again and again, sweeping up to suck at the straining point above her entrance. She nibbled around the sensitive nub, delighting in the way it made Jane writhe beneath her, unable to decide whether it was too much or if she wanted more.
The question was answered when Jane's inner muscles locked around Maura's fingers, which had slipped inside of her at just the right moment with a single, sharp upward stroke. "Maur aah..." She screamed, well past caring what Maura or any of her neighbors would think, feeling herself shudder apart and spill over before collapsing back and beginning to rebuild.
Slowly, Maura began cleaning Jane's thighs with her tongue, moaning softly in the back of her throat at the clean, warm taste. Jane was limp beneath her, still breathing heavily and twitching with aftershocks.
As the red haze cleared from her eyes, Jane struggled to sit up, dislodging Maura from between her legs. The medical examiner squeaked in surprise when Jane used what little strength she had left to urge Maura onto her back at the other end of the mattress, not caring that they were facing the foot of the bed.
"That was beautiful, sweetheart," Jane whispered as she leaned forward to brush her lips against Maura's. They tasted like her, and she smiled into the kiss. "I'm so lucky." She had always known, of course, but this reaffirmation made her feel truly grateful for the wonderful woman in her arms, who was currently trying to coax one of Jane's thighs to rub between her legs. Obviously, it was Maura's turn for some well-deserved and much-needed attention, and Jane was more than happy to give it to her. "So incredibly lucky."
Maura let out a soft whimper as Jane's hand cupped between her legs, grazing through slick, sensitive folds until they flicked against her rapidly hardening point. Sometimes, the way Jane touched her was possessive, even a little rough, but now, as the detective's fingers explored every sensitive spot, it almost seemed like she was hesitant... searching for something. Perhaps Jane didn't even realize she was doing it, but that softness, the hesitancy of her touch, only fueled Maura's need.
"Jane, please. I need you."
Need you. Those words rang in Jane's ears, filling her with a warm glow that started somewhere deep inside her chest and spread out to her fingers and toes. Maura needed her. Still, there was that lingering doubt, that dark blot of insecurity on her heart...
"Oh God don't stop now," Maura pleaded, her eyes stinging with tears at the thought of being left like this, so close to the edge, but unable and unwilling to tip over herself. Somehow, she knew that Jane needed this as much as she did, needed proof of how much Maura loved and wanted her. "Please..."
Jane chewed on the corner of her mouth, her heart hammering so hard that she could feel it low in her stomach. She was certain that Maura could feel it beating too where their bodies were pressed together. "Is it selfish for me to want to be better than anyone else you've ever been with?" Even Jane wasn't exactly sure what she meant by that question. She just wanted to be enough for Maura sexually, emotionally, spiritually and there were so many ways that she considered herself sub-par...
Suddenly realizing that her hand had stopped moving, Jane noticed the look of need and something like pain on Maura's face and resumed her tempo. Even while the swirling motion of Jane's fingers brought her body to a slow burn and made her skin flush, Maura managed to find an answer. "I love you, Jane," she whispered, running the tips of her toes along her lover's calf. For a moment, Jane flinched and laughed before settling back into the seriousness of the moment.
"You love me?" The brunette curled and twisted her fingers, finding the sensitive ridges at the front wall of Maura's entrance and stroking them expertly. She was rewarded with a fierce shiver and a quiet sob of encouragement. "Maur?" Jane's voice broke, and for a moment, she stopped, simply resting inside of her lover, completely overwhelmed. She hadn't known it was possible to feel so much at one time... not until Maura.
"Don't you know I love you?" Maura soothed, running her hands along the muscles of Jane's back, feeling them twitch beneath her fingers as she offered reassurance. "Don't you know that everything you are amazes me? Thrills me? Arouses me?"
Above her, Jane's forehead was creased in concentration, her eyes slightly unfocused as she tried to coordinate everything that she was doing. Maura knew that Jane was fighting her own pleasure, pushing down her own physical need to fill an emotional need. Jane wanted this to be for her. Jane needed this to be for her. Jane needed Maura to need her.
"Everything you do feels so good..."
Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck, fingers tangling in the detective's dark hair as each stroke pushed deeper inside of her. Since her hands were already there, she pulled Jane's head down for a kiss, longing for more of the intimate but aggressive contact that Jane's lips were so good at providing.
The muscles of Jane's left arm stood out in a contrast of lines as she supported her weight on one elbow, sending burning tension up through her shoulders, but she didn't care. The rest of it, the other feelings her body was experiencing as she pushed inside of Maura, were too good to give up. She couldn't stop. Never. She didn't even think it was possible.
Maura made a low, encouraging sound deep within her chest and pushed back, squeezing her inner muscles tight around Jane's fingers, wanting to share her reaction with the brunette. Then, she shifted her weight back, forcing Jane to withdraw part way before slamming back down. At this rate, it wouldn't take much more for either of them.
Jane groaned as she rocked harder against Maura's thigh, grinding down on the tempting ridge just above the medical examiner's knee, overwhelmed by how good it felt to be enclosed in tight, clutching warmth. She hadn't meant to be so demanding, so assertive, but as she felt Maura push back against her, respond to her tempo, she couldn't help but drive both of them higher. She wanted to fill Maura, take her, claim her, make it impossible for the doctor to remember anyone or anything else. Nothing but Jane.
This was right.
The absolute "rightness" of the moment was so powerful that Jane almost forgot to breathe. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she fit together with someone else, that she was a part of something beyond herself. Maura loved her. Maura knew her, all of her, and she accepted everything Jane had to give, everything she felt, everything she was.
Instinctively sensing what Jane needed without words, Maura opened herself even further, hooking her knees around Jane's hips and locking her ankles at the small of her back, pulling her deeper, closer.
"Oh Christ..." the detective hissed through gritted teeth, feeling herself lose control.
"Jane," Maura sighed, hearing the name echo in her head even when her lips couldn't form the words. All she could do was cry out something unintelligible as Jane took her mouth in a raw kiss, trying to consume and possess. It was that kiss, and the strong body shuddering in her arms, that sent her crashing down.
Gradually, the waves of pleasure became eddies, then ripples, and the heat between them cooled just enough to let them take in fresh air. Their breaths came and left together. Blinking to refocus her eyes, Maura finally stared up into Jane's face. Her expression was open, trusting, and perhaps for the first time in a long time at peace.
"Hmm?" the medical examiner murmured brokenly, still focused on the sensation of Jane's body gliding on top of hers.
Maura sighed, shivered, and began moving her hips again, surrendering to the ancient, familiar rhythm.
Return to Rizzoli & Isles
Return to Main Page