DISCLAIMER: The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended, absolutely none what so ever. This is just a fanfiction using the characters that were created by some wonderfully imaginative people, brought to life by some wonderfully talented actors purely for entertainment. Oh yeah another note this story depicts a relationship of a loving and sexual nature between two consenting adult women.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
By Elizabeth Carter
She's having another nightmare. I wake to the sound of her moans, the slight flutter of her arms as they curl around me as if to grasp the very essence of my being to hold her to the ground. And I let her. I know she needs this.
Her nightmares are darker then mine ever could be. And I know my own nightmares scare me even when I am awake. Gods I wish I could take this pain from her, to heal her but it isn't in my power.
The only thing I can do is to hold her, support her give her love. I can tell her the nightmares aren't real that they can't hurt her. But somewhere deep inside of this remarkable woman she believes that they can. How can I fight that?
I coax her awake shaking her lightly, stroking her wonderful arms, I kiss her cheeks her soft silky lips. "Love wake up come-on it's a nightmare. Wake up."
She moans softly her body folding into a fetal position, a position taken to secure one self. The safe position.
"My love wake up, Hun come on wake up," I shake her again.
Oh God those eyes. Those wonderful bright eyes open in a flutter. She looks at me, then the tears fall and her grip on me tightens.
"Oh God!" she cries and she hangs onto my body, I don't tell her, her nails neatly manicured for once are cutting into my skin. I don't tell her, her grip is so tight I am bruising. I don't tell her that she is making it difficult to breathe. I hold her tight
This I can do.
"Want to tell me about it?" I try.
She shakes that beautiful head of hers, the softness of her hair tickling my naked flesh. Her tears dribble onto my skin across my breasts as she pillows her head upon me. Her entire body closes in on me like a blanket, but it is my body that gives her the warmth she needs.
I stroke that muscular back, cooing nonsensical words into her ears.
Words of love.
Words of reassurance.
Does she hear them? I don't know, it's the tone of my whispers that strengthen this remarkable woman. Soon her tears stop falling.
"I I ..I .." her voice catches and she stops for her breath is shaking and she draws in a long sigh and doesn't finish what she was going to say.
"Its okay lover, I am here okay? I am here."
"Don't leave me."
"I won't. I promise."
"Oh God." And the tears start all over again.
I don't know what I said but something made her cry again. I can't stand it when she cries. Especially when I make her cry. She is so full of compassion and depth. She tries to be detached but I know differently, I am her lover. It fills me with pride to be able to proclaim that, regulations be damned, this woman in my arms I get to be her lover. Me, the most unlikely person gets to be her lover. I get to see a side of her no one else does. Oh they daydream about her. Half the base wants her. And she is oblivious to it. She doesn't know how many souls male and female alike pine away for her. But it's me she allows to touch her, to make love to her, to know her most intimate secrets. Me, I get to be the one.
"Please tell me," I urge. "Tell me beloved what is it."
"If I tell you it might become real," She utters in a weak voice.
"Tell me then I will know what to avoid." I try to reassure her.
And for a moment there is silence. I can hear the traffic outside the window. Someone honking a horn along way off, some dog barking at what ever it is they bark at this time of night. I hear our daughter asleep in the next room, her music playing softly thinking her parents are oblivious to the fact that she lets her radio go all night on the lowest volume setting and still hear it.
We were teens once. Been there, done that. It doesn't matter
Most of all I hear the soft hiccupping that comes from deep sobs coming from the woman I love. I feel / hear her heart beat hammering against my chest until I swear it is my own that is doing the thunderous beating.
My hand trails through her hair. She cut it again. But I still like it. It's long enough to run my fingers through and enjoy the texture. There was a style I don't t care for. We love each other deeply enough not to get offended if we don't like the style we choose. So occasionally we fall into a stupid pocket of fashion choices. There was a cut that was too short on her and it didn't look good at all. I like it when it has some length to it. Like it is now.
Her breathing has deepened and I wonder if she is asleep once more.
Then suddenly as I find myself falling into that depth, that blissful place between fully asleep and awake her voice startles me back to the waking world.
"I dreamt I lost you Sam," Her voice cuts me as deeply as a knife. "I couldn't bring you back this time. I couldn't it was too late and you died."
"Janet .my love I'm right here. You didn't lose me."
"Sammy I .."
"Baby-girl . I am right here. And I am not going anywhere. You are stuck with me for always and always. The powers that be may try their damnedest to separate us, but it isn't going to happen." I kiss her lips and draw her tongue into the wet cavern of my mouth; I hear her moan or was it me? I don't care. I know only my head is rushing with the thunder of hearts beating. Mine, hers forever entwined. And I would have it no other way. Not ever.
This woman's soul is as soft as water, but who can withstand the raging flood? And sometimes she lets me see a side so vulnerable that I am amazed it is there at all. How can one soul be so strong and so vulnerable at the same time? It stymies me.
My arms hold the tiny body next to my lanky one. And I know that I have been blessed. I don't know how. I don't know why, and I don't care. I do know that I am with her as she is with me. And that is all that matters.
And so I hold her tightly and let her know in that single touch that it's okay that she doesn't have to be the forever-brave woman she is on base. That she can let herself go and leave her guard completely open.
And you know what? I am lucky because she does. That's how much she trusts me. That is how much she loves me. She loves me enough to see that vulnerability.
She is always picking me up after the darkness of this mission or that mission.
After Jolinar, after the bomb I was ordered to make because some damn ship was going to scorch the earth of a planet and destroy all of its inhabitants after we found the planet for them. After I turned the sky red and nearly destroyed the lives of a planet. After I killed Martouf. After the Za'tarc test when O'Neill admitted his feelings for me. After I let Narim kiss me and I kissed him back in the lab and after I turned my back on him and let Tanith destroyed Tollana. After the solitude of the Arctic, and after Seth. After I nearly forced O'Neill to copulate (there was no other word for it) during the Broca Syndrome. After I nearly left Cassandra our daughter to die alone in that frigging vault. After I thought Danny had died in the planet of fire and ice, and when I thought my name was Thera. When my dad blurted out he had the worst kind of cancer then left me alone in that room, then yelled at me later that week, because I called him up to see how he was. Of course she was there to put me back together when I was kidnapped and about to be dissected, out of some lunatic's desperate measures to live longer. His girlfriend was like Lady Macbeth without the sincerity. Janet's always been there to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and help me put them back together again.
I hold this treasure of a woman feeling overwhelmed by the scope of her love for me. God I am so lucky.
"No matter what comes, no matter what happens know my beloved that I love you for always." I whisper.
"Make love to me." She utters almost too quietly.
And I do.
Not the rushed heated passion sometimes we have where we can't get enough of each other, like that very first night we made love. Not the hungry I missed you making love. But slow, nurturing taste every part of you touch every part of you type of love making.
I am so lucky I get to make love to her. So lucky to hear MY name being called out in all of its variances . Sam Sammy . Samantha. I love it when she hyphenates Samantha when the climax hits her. The sound of it ripples in my soul down to my toes. And I smile so large no one would believe it to see it.
"I love you Samantha Carter." My beloved Janet says to me as sleep overwhelms her. Tonight I take watch. Not because I need to, not because I am a tough soft-butchy soldier, not because people think I am the stronger one of the two of us, not because I am a Major in the airforce, but because I want to. I want to watch over her as she has always watched over me. I am so lucky she lets me do that for her, without either of us feeling belittled. The truth is she is far far stronger than I will ever be. But because I am the one carrying the P90, everyone thinks I am stronger.
She has to see blood and death of friends and co-workers all the time. She has to put us all back together, knowing we are just going to go get busted up again. She watches as we traipse through that gate to this world or that world not knowing if a System Lord is going to torture us and kill us. And she has to let us. And it takes a hell of a lot of courage and strength to do that. A lot more than any of us have.
And I am lucky because she chose me to love and be loved by. And so I watch over her so she can sleep without being trapped by nightmares.
I love her. And she's mine.
She loves me. And I belong to her.
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