DISCLAIMER: Murder in Suburbia and its characters are the property of ITV. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to darandkerry for the beta.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

By atfm



"What?" came the slightly sleepy and clearly grumpy question from the bedroom. Ash racked her brains for any rules regarding conversation in the middle of the night but was too drowsy to put much effort into it.

"I need you here." Scribbs sounded somewhat desperate.

"You need me there? Isn't the bedroom enough for you? If you're suggesting we have sex in the – "

"Believe it or not, getting off is not all I need you for. Now, would you please move your arse here?"

"Since you asked so nicely," Ash grumbled and forced her eyes open. With a sigh, she scrambled out of the sheets and a moment later emerged from the bedroom. Squinting, she shielded her eyes from the sudden brightness of the lit hallway with her hand. "Where are you?"


Ash slowly shuffled down the carpeted hallway and found Scribbs standing on the threshold of the toilet in her pink pyjamas and with tousled hair. No precarious situation was immediately obvious to Ash.

"What do you need me for?"

"I have to pee," Scribbs declared.

"And where exactly do I come in with this certainly very urgent but, as I can assure you, completely natural need which you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself?

"I can't go in."

"Why the bloody hell not?"

Scribbs pointed inside and above, and only then did Ash realise that the blonde had fixated towards a spot on the ceiling. Taking a step closer, she peered over Scribbs' shoulder at the ceiling and chuckled.

"It's just a grasshopper."

Scribbs' head jerked to the left to face Ash. "Just a grasshopper? It's a giant, six-legged, green monster blocking my way to the loo."

"It's not blocking your way. It's all the way up there."

"But it might drop to the floor and block my way."

"You could try stepping over it. You did notice you're considerably taller than a grasshopper, right?"

"I'm not going anywhere near that thing. Please tell me you have a rule for this."

Ash was mildly amused. "A rule for a grasshopper in the loo? That situation is quite unprecedented. And somehow I doubt an insect would care very much about a rule concerning grasshoppers in inconvenient places."

"Well, I don't care very much about your rules either, but I –"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ash cut in, raising an eyebrow.

Never taking her eyes off the offending creature, Scribbs replied, "Just what I said, but the point is that even though I don't care about your rules, you make me adhere to them anyway, and you can do the same with that thing threatening me."

"Scribbs, it's a grasshopper!"

"No rules then?" Scribbs sighed hopelessly. "Catch it?"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little on the short side. I can't reach up there."

"Use a broom or whatever to squash it then."

"And leave a stain on my ceiling?" Ash scrunched up her nose. "I may not have a grasshopper rule, but I do have a rule about cleanliness."

Scribbs shot her an annoyed look. "If I don't get to the loo in the next two minutes, I'm gonna be breaking that rule plus probably various others."

After thinking for a moment, Ash smirked.

"What? What are you thinking? I don't like that look on your face." Scribbs pouted.

Ash squeezed past Scribbs still standing inside the door frame. Once in the room, she stepped close to the blonde, facing her.

Scribbs eyed her suspiciously. "What are you –" She was interrupted mid-sentence by Ash's lips making contact with her own in a light kiss.

Ash trailed her tongue teasingly over pink lips and playfully nipped at them before breaking away and taking a small step backwards.

Scribbs whimpered at the loss of contact and instinctively moved to close the distance between them once more in an attempt to reclaim Ash's mouth. Her right hand slipped easily under the brunette's shirt.

Ash hooked both forefingers into the waistband of Scribbs' pyjama pants and slowly manoeuvred her across the room, never interrupting their heated kisses. Once they had reached the toilet, Ash pulled away reluctantly.

"There," she said breathlessly.

Scribbs looked confused; then it dawned on her that she'd been tricked. She wheeled around and glared up at the grasshopper, which hadn't moved and was merely stirring its legs feebly. Turning around again, Scribbs glowered at Ash.

Ash, in turn, looked pleased. "It's so easy to bait you. Now go ahead."

Unable to resist nature's urge any longer, Scribbs forewent shooting daggers at Ash with her eyes and instead proceeded to relieve herself. When she was done, she continued to scowl at the brunette indignantly.

"How am I gonna get back? I'm not falling for the same trick again."

"You're not, huh? In that case, you might have to stay here for awhile if the grasshopper doesn't budge. But, look on the bright side – you're right next to the loo now, and the sink is here, too. You can survive for a few weeks and hope that the grasshopper dies of starvation first."

"Very funny."

"I'll be in the bedroom." Ash leaned in, pecked Scribbs on the cheek, and then made for the door.

Scribbs looked decidely panicked. "Wait! You can't leave me here! Surely, there's a rule against abandoning loved ones in the loo with voracious herbivores?"

Placing a finger on her lips, Ash pretended to think hard. "No," she eventually beamed, enjoying the torture far too much for Scribbs' liking. "Looks like you do indeed have to pitch camp here. Unless of course…"

"Unless what?" Scribbs sounded eager and at the same time scared of what she would hear next.

Ash smiled seductively and slowly dragged her fingers across her chest. "Unless you'd like to continue what we started earlier?" With one last intense look at Scribbs, she slipped from the room.

For a moment, Scribbs remained rooted to the spot, looking back and forth between the insect on the ceiling and the door, the expression on her face alternating between fear and longing. Then, she took a deep breath, dashed across the bathroom, and bolted down the hallway.

A grasshopper would not stand in her way of ravishing Ash.

The End

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