DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Proctor & Gamble. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have a friend who is going through a special level of hell with her ex-girlfriend. I think this was a way for me to work out some of my mixed feelings about it all. It's a little darker than I usually write, but I hope you still like it.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To Geekgrrl.firstname.lastname@example.org
Even In The Darkest Moments
The bottle of whiskey sits half empty on the farmhouse kitchen table. Your gun sits next to it, loaded. Just like you are.
You were stunned when she said she couldn't do it any more. She couldn't sit there and watch you drink your life away, drink our life together away. She refused to keep trying to hide it from the girls anymore, wouldn't make any more excuses for you with your friends and family.
You snorted at her naiveté. Who was she trying to kid? They all knew anyway. Emma gives you that sad little face before she disappears with her friends from high school before they can see you. Sweet little Francesca squirming away from you when you would hold her too close, too hard, your sour breath and clumsy hands scaring her a little.
You run a frustrated hand though your hair and pour another glass of liquid courage, trying to forget the hurt, trying to numb the feelings burning so deep inside you. You always did feel too much, didn't you? Jeffrey broke you and it's never been right since. Natalia has given you the closest slice of heaven you've ever had but even that couldn't save you. Now, just like that, she's giving up on it all, on your family on you.
Fuck it all.
You knew she wouldn't stay with you. You're too toxic. You tried to warn her that day so long ago in the cemetery, when you revealed your heart to her, but she didn't listen. Love can save the world. Blah, blah, blah and you believed her.
You fool, you're no better than she is.
And now, how many years later, there she goes running away from you again. You should have known it wouldn't last. It never does. New heart, old heart, it's still just the same old you beating away inside, screwing things up. And you thought this time it would be different, this time you would do it right.
Yeah, not so much.
Well, she can have her precious Church and that man that's been sniffing around, biding his time. Waiting for you to throw it all away when things got tough. You pour yourself a little more and try not to think about them, laughing, smiling, touching.
You have pictures of them together. Laughing and teasing each other. He was just a friend, she said, dimples flashing, a warm hand laid across your arm to soothe your fears. She said he was someone who understood her love of the Church, helped out on some of her committees. But you saw the way he looked at her, and the way she looked at him. You're not an idiot.
You pull out your phone and can't stop yourself from texting something you'll most likely regret.
I saw you kiss him last night. Whore.
You pause, your thumb raised as you think hard about actually doing it. You hit send anyway. You pour another glass of whiskey and throw it back, the burn feeling good as it hits your stomach. It's the only thing you can feel these days after all
And in a wave of despair you know the time has come. No more pussy footing around, the misery needs to end for all concerned. She's found someone new to love, a man to take your place.
You never had a chance, she needed normal and you knew it when this all started. You never wanted to end up like this, hurting each other like this. It's time for you to move on. You didn't even hear her come home, until she turns the lights on.
You still have a key to the farmhouse, even though you moved out weeks ago. It's where she finds you now, sitting in the dark, one hand grasping your drink, the other clutching your gun. You're ready to use it and she knows it. She stands stock still, watching you.
She's so beautiful like this, like your very own angel.
Your heart breaks a little more because she's not yours anymore, is she? She's his now. The barrel of the gun is cold against your skin, the chill from the metal oddly comforting as you bring it to your temple. Your time is up, without her your life is pathetic and nothing.
"Olivia, what are you doing?" She says oh so carefully, stepping closer to you. A tear trickles down your cheek as you shake your head and you can't stop them once they start. It's like a raw gaping wound, where your heart once was, bleeding out and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
"I love you. Please don't do this " Her voice sounds so far away.
"I love you too." You look at her one last time.
God, you love her
Her eyes never leave yours and you can't do this, and you know it. Defeated, you drop the glock to your lap, weeping as she rushes up to you, wrapping you up into her arms, embracing you in her love and light. Her hand wraps around yours, warm and alive. Her eyes are so dark, afraid and yet full of love, tender and forgiving.
"God, I'm so fucked up."
Technically you're both right, so you just shrug.
She pushes the hair off of your forehead, just like she always used to do after making love. Her fingers push through the long strands, soothing you with the movement. You want to lay with her, and snuggle together, watching the sun come up after making sweet love, but that's not to be anymore. Whose fault is that?
"You have to promise to stop following me, leaving me those angry phone messages, and texting me at all hours, okay?" She whispers sadly against your cheek and reality crashes back in. You just nod, knowing that you will forget the promise the next time you've had too much to drink or the next time you see her with him. Anger bubbles deep down inside again and you latch onto it, needing to feel something other than pathetic.
"You're fucking him, aren't you?" You can't stop the words from spilling out. You can't stand the thought of his hands touching her, stroking her, making her
"Peter is just a friend. How many times do I have to say it?" She sighs and shifts slightly away from you.
You pull out the picture you took outside of Peter's house, shadows in the window, tangled together. The evidence slides over the table top, irrefutable. Her eyes close in regret, or is it shame? Doesn't matter, your heart is shattered anyway. The pain is unbearable. The whole thing is excruciating.
"Friends with benefits, Natalia?" You sneer and pour out more whiskey.
"I dropped him off after our meeting and he asked me in for a drink. And we talked, that's all. Then he hugged me before I left to go pick up Francesca from Frank and Blake." She says so quietly you almost can't hear her. You want to believe her, but a picture says a thousand words. Which version is the truth? You don't even know anymore.
"I wouldn't do that to you. I still love you." She leans forward, foreheads touching affectionately and you smile sadly.
"I love you too." Your voice cracks.
"Olivia, you need help." Natalia's eyes seem to burn into you like an angry fire, with fear and something more lingering there, something deeper. "And I can't do it for you. God, I wish I could." Her soft hands cup your cheek and the tears start to gather again, blurring your vision even more. "More than anything, sweetheart, but I can't. You have to want it and until you get yourself straightened out, I can't live like this anymore. I'm sorry."
Her dark eyes fill with tears and you want to kiss them away and tell her it's all going to be okay. But you know you can't and deep down you know it's not going to be okay. Her hand drops to your lap and she grabs the gun, taking it from your loose grip.
You watch as she stands and puts it on the counter by the sink, before leaning against the counter and sighing, her head drooping in relief. You just cry a little harder and something inside cracks.
You don't want to be like this anymore. You're tired of feeling like this, out of control, lost and adrift.
"I I want to do it." You finally spit out, and for once it's the truth. You've felt like this forever it seems like, struggled against the current for so long. Suddenly she's in your arms, holding you close. You've got a long way to go, but for the first time you feel like you've taken a step towards the light.
And for now, you'll take it.
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